My girlfriend has romantic feelings for a workmate.

[Man_in_Black]

I posted this a few days ago, please read my initial post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137752/

 

After accusation and baiting on my part, she admitted she does have feelings for him, best described as a crush. She insists she doesn't want to feel the way she does, and only wants to be friends. She has said that I've been pushing her away from me with my intense insecurity, and this has made her see him in a more romantic light. I don't know if that's true or not. I can't trust her, because we've discussed him before and she insisted she had no feelings, but now admits she was lying. She's never lied before. She says she did it with the best intentions, to not worry me, "knowing" that her feelings will subside.

 

Anyway, my question is, what kind of position am I in? Let's say that I have caused this by being a bad boyfriend, but what can I ask for? Would I be out of line asking her to not have contact with him anymore? Or to tone down her playfulness with him? She insists she just needs me to be more understanding and she'll only see him as a friend, but I'm scared she'll just lie to me again. I don't know what to do.

[Tripper]

Hi MIB,

 

I followed your other post but didn't respond. However 2 things stuck out. You've said you can be a bit of a bastard and you've gained some weight and are not very stylish.

 

Can you change any of the above. I know losing weight is hard because I fight that battle constantly (I'm winning). Dressing stylishly means different things to different guys. It doesn't have to be expensive.

 

I also had the thought that maybe she's sending you a message saying "Look what I can get, if you don't clean up your act". The brother thing tho' sends up red flags to me.

 

Far away hills are always greener but reality ain't always so hot when you get there. I know you've got some worries re:insecurity etc., can you clean yourself up re: clothes, hair.. work on the weight?? I guess you want the male equivalent of a make over. Perhaps that will help with your own self esteem.

 

Just some random thoughts...

[Tripper]

Sorry.. your original question..

 

You're in a tough spot. You ask her to have NC or tone down and a) she may resent it and b) she may lie to you.

 

I think you need to have an open and honest rational discussion telling her how you feel. At the same time I would be asking her what is it she needs you to do or from you to make sure your relationship continues to grow. Possibly there is some unhappiness on her part but she doesn't acknowledge it.

[Jasmine8719]

Set aside your feelings of insecurity,jealousy etc.Ask yourself; How much do you trust her? Do you trust that she will just be friends? Has she given any reason in the past that you shouldn't be able to trust her?...I think (obviously) there is a line that shouldn't be crossed in an opposite sex crush/frienship. Maybe she just admires him but knows what she has(you) means more than what he could ever (ultimantly) give her. You know her more than I do. Does she have that kind of control not to cross the line? She's has been honest with you thus far. If she wanted to cheat on you or be with him, dont you think she wouldn't have said anything? There would be late night calls, sneaking behind your back etc. If she ends up wanting too hang out with him outside of work and she's like hey Im going to hang with "bob". It should be cool. but again theres that line. If she starts making up excuses like "oh I was too drunk to drive home so I spent the night on his couch" stuff like that I think you have reason to be worry...Also maybe she needs a relationship refresher to insure that you love her and want to be with her..Surprise her make her remember how you make her feel. Drop flowers off at her work...Have rose pedals all around at home and dinner waiting..Do something romantic..Be sweet show her that side if you want to keep the relationship stron...Nothings lost.Yes its not an easy situation, but it can reasonably compromised between you two. She seems to be upfront and yeah she didn't tell you that she had a crush on him because she didn't want to make you worry which I think is a rational excuse. Maybe you need to sit down and have a long talk with her (without sounding like an ass) and compromise..If you really love her there are ways to make it work.Remember surprise her!

Good Luck

-Jasmine