Stockalone Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Lexi, you sound like a great person who adds value to peoples lives. If any potential boyfriend can't handle the fact you are friends with ex's, then move along. You deserve someone who is comfortable with it and can appreciate the value you bring to your friends. It is not fair to turn your back on friends who have been there for you because some new guy is too insecure to appreciate you. I agree that she should look for someone who is comfortable with the situation. However, I don't think that insecurity has anything to do with it. As for me, I never stay in touch with ex's because there is a reason those relationships didn't work out. There are friends and there are former lovers. To me, those are two separate things. Hence I don't date women who have such close friendships with their ex's.
oppath Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 And after my last gf -- whose ex bf proposed to her 6 months into our relationship and 1 week before our breakup and she did not tell me about it -- I am not going to be comfortable with a close friend ex for a LOONNNGGG time. "We're just friends." Granted, I should have been more aware. They had just broken up before me. I ignored lots of red flags. Lexi, in your case, these ex's are more distant. I guess it doesn't matter to me how long I've dated a girl. If we've agreed to be exclusive at 6 weeks, for example, if she's friends with an ex I want to be there and be involved and be introduced as your new bf, regardless if our relationship has become serious yet. To me, it's all about earning my trust, making me feel visible, and making your life transparent, and demonstrating that you have room for me in your heart and will make me a priority.
Author lexi29 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 "I do this to establish some credibility to the fact that I am a nice guy. That is how I look at it, that it verifies that I really have no baggage and that people still like me even if we aren't romantic. That I never did something so horrible in a relationship that they wouldn't befriend me after the fact. we were able to communicate more and once I had no feelings for her in a romantic sense, I was able to truly befriend her. I can listen to her ramble about problems with her fiance without feeling resentment. To me, the fact I can be friends with them says I am truly over them. " This is exactly how I look at it! I would think being friends with exes is a positive thing because I've heard so many people (even when there are kids involved) that just bash their exes and hate them and don't have one nice thing to say about them. I understand in extreme cases where there was an affair or something but otherwise- YOU chose to be with that person. They must have had some redeeming qualities when you met them and YOU chose to be a part of their life and now you don't have one nice thing to say about the person you CHOSE? Now, I wouldn't want to date some guy who just broke up with an ex a few months before and was possibly still hung up on her. But as I said, my two exes (and one I laugh at calling an ex) were a long time ago- the most recent I broke up with six years ago. I have no desire in dating either of them (I know ALL of their faults) and neither is my "backup plan" so no guy that I date would have to worry about that. Also I am very up front with bfs about these two guys. The one I only see maybe three times a year at most but if my bf wants to tag along he is more than welcome. Also when I first start dating someone I usually spend all my time with them and don't see either of my exes. I don't have anything to hide regarding my friends so anyone that I date will know any time i talk to them or plan to spend time with them. I dont' do anything behind my bf's back cause that is where I have a problem with guys I date being friends with exes or other women. As long as everything is out in the open my guy can have as many women friends as he wants. But the second he hides something from me about talking to one of them or seeing them- either he has to lose the friend or I'm not sticking around. I had this happen with one of my exes (one I dont' talk to) he had several women friends and I was fine at first with them but then he started talking to one behind my back and seeing her without my knowledge and that was NOT ok with me. And of course as soon as I started dating someone new of course I would tell my exes about him and introduce him as my boyfriend I'd probably be excited and end up telling them about him BEFORE we became official.
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Depends on what your interpretation of “dating” is. Sure, I’d hang out with someone like that on occasion ... on a platonic basis only. Wouldn’t get serious, intimate or make any promises of exclusivity as long as the situation remained the same. And I wouldn’t be all too eager to start distancing myself from my opposite sex acquaintances, either. I just learned through my own personal experiences that people who have more ex-bonks-turned-platonic-buddies than serious relationship partners are just better at maintaining friendships than serious long-term relationships. They also seem to give their friends more time and attention than they do their romantic partner. So, I’ve always found it just better to remain one of their “buddies”, too! At least until someone who has better ‘potential’ comes along and steals away all your time and attention.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I did have a bf once tell his ex (yes he was friends with her) about something I said about her husband being a loser and I was VERY upset that he chose to share my feelings with her. So I do understand that there are certain boundaries that need to be maintained. I guess my thing is I'll just have to find a guy who is ok with this and if someone is not ok with my friendships then yes, I may lose out on a good guy but I wouldn't be happy getting rid of my friends just to date someone who may or may not work out. I just noticed I missed an important word in my last post. I meant to say... If I were YOUR guy. Instead I said If I were A guy. Which I am! Anyway, I understand that you have some nice boundaries drawn already... but your asking a BF to trust you on that right out the gate. The best trust is earned. The worst comes from apathy. I'd say your going to be gambling hard. Honestly, why would a guy want to get serious with you, when he isnt even as important as someone you already dumped? That said... I do not believe you are wrong in keeping these guys as friends. It's just the kind of friends... and thier overall importance.
oppath Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Cobra makes a good point. Lexi, you have some great boundaries and behave in a great way to your new bf's regarding your ex's. Yes, I would date someone who has those boundaries. I would not, like Cobra mentions, however, fully trust right out of the gate. I would be looking for signs that my feelings come first over those of the ex. Every indicator is that you make your friendships transparent anad they come secondary to your primary relationships. I would date someone who did that...but the trust still needs to be earned. It sounds like through your actions, you are capable of earning that trust. However, if you are dating a guy and he feels uncomfortable, do not dismiss him as being insecure, jealous, or controlling. It's not an irrational fear, to be wary of a close ex friend, even if it was long ago. I read on these boards and see in life, not just recent ex's, but ex's from years past interfering with relationships AFTER it was established they were just friends. And I know many women who talk to their ex's as friends but they do joke "if we were single do you think we'd date?" which in my opinion, is way over the line and means they are not just friends. Your boundaries are great and keep these men as friends. Just don't dismiss a guy if he feels a little apprehensive. In fact, if you say "I'm friends with my ex's" right away, you could scare a guy off. "why is she telling me this?" he'll probably think.
Author lexi29 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Cobra makes a good point. I would not, like Cobra mentions, however, fully trust right out of the gate. I would be looking for signs that my feelings come first over those of the ex. Every indicator is that you make your friendships transparent anad they come secondary to your primary relationships. I would date someone who did that...but the trust still needs to be earned. However, if you are dating a guy and he feels uncomfortable, do not dismiss him as being insecure, jealous, or controlling. It's not an irrational fear, to be wary of a close ex friend, even if it was long ago. That is some great advice! In the future I will be more aware of making someone I date feel that they are #1 and if he feels uncomfortable I need to realize that I have to EARN his trust. I guess I've always looked at it as I KNOW 100% that I'm not going to go back to either of these exes who are now friends. I can totally promise someone that. I have NO interest in either romantically and I just figured that I"d already proven that by being just platonic friends with both for so long (13 years and 6 years) but I see how some guys may still have doubts and its only fair that I realize thats not irrational.
Recommended Posts