Would you date someone who is still friends with an ex?

[lexi29]

I'm learning that my situation isn't the norm. I may start dating again so I just wonder if this would bother anyone. I am good friends with two of my exes. One is one of my best friends. We dated about 12 years ago and only for five months. It was a very innocent thing- we never even slept together. But technically he IS my ex. We've been great friends ever since. I see him maybe five times a month. He has no problem meeting/becoming friends with anyone I date seriously. I've had 3 serious relationships that lasted awhile and he was friendly with two of the guys and the third didnt' care for him but they tolerated eachother. I look at him as sort of a girlfriend- we go shopping together, share secrets, gossip, go out to eat, etc. He's someone who was always there for me. I can count on him. He is dating someone now so if I started dating someone new we could go on double dates.

 

The 2nd ex is one I dated for almost five years. We were engaged and planning to get married. I left him. After a few months we started talking again and became friends. We both figured we shouldn't let the time we spent together go to waste. It has been six years since we broke up and we've been friends ever since. He lives 2 hours away so we only see eachother maybe three times a year. But we talk probably once every two weeks, email eachother often, sometimes IM. Talk on the phone maybe once a week at most. He asks me for advice on women he's dating or wants to date and I talk to him about some details of my relationships. We also go out to eat, shopping etc when we see eacthother. I've only dated two guys seriously since him and he's met both of them. One didn't like that I was still close with my ex (but he got used to it) and the other didnt' mind at all. He has dated a lot of women casually since being with me and two seriously (for more than 6 months) He is currently single now though. Ex #2 has expressed regret at various times (not lately though) that we are not together- there is no way we will ever get back together for various reasons- we live too far away and I'm not willing to relocate and neither is he. So no worries about that.

 

I have no interest in getting back with either of these exes. They are just really good friends now. Both guys flirt with me occassionally, give me compliments etc but its harmless. We are just friends. I never hide the fact that I'm talking to or hanging out with either of them from anyone I'm in a relationship with. If the guy I was dating really wanted to- he could listen to our phone conversations or go with us if we went somewhere. there is nothing inappropriate going on. Still would it bother you if the person you were dating was still close with an ex (Or two)?

[a4a]

yes it would.

[Kamille]

I'm the opposite of a4a. I actually find it reassuring when the guys can maintain good relationships with their exes.

 

Maybe this is because I come from a small city, where you have no choice but to be civil with your exes, since you'll be running into them everywhere.

[BeautifulMystique]

Yes because it only shows he can't move on from his past...

[Art_Critic]

With the closeness that you all have then yes it would bother me some..and I wouldn't date them...

 

You sometimes have to make a clean break and move forward from there placing your past in your past..

 

I'm not jealous at all and have great self esteem but it would be a slight.. or a mildly disrespectful act if my wife was still close to her exes.

 

If she just had the occasional email contact to catch up every now and then it wouldn't be a problem but in your case you seem to be emotionally attached to both of your ex's and that might detract away from anything real that you might happen to come across with someone else.

 

I think your most recent ex of 5 years you need to make a clean break if you get involved with someone.. your other ex may really not be an issue if you are just friends and don't really spend any time together.

[lexi29]

Actually, the ex of five years isn't the most recent. I've dated two guys seriously since him and I'm not close with either of them. It has been six years since I dated that ex and there have been no relapses. I don't think I'm that emotionally close to him, the first one yes, becasue he is one of my best friends. I've actually had two relationships since them where I devoted myself totally to my partners, being friends with my two exes (my good friends) didnt' take anything away from my relationships.

 

My thoughts are I wouldn't mind if a guy I was dating was friends with an ex- maybe if she was a very recent ex it would bother me but one from his past if they had shown they were friends for awhile without anything inappropriate happening I wouldn't have any reason not to trust him. Now on the other hand if a guy I was dating suddenly became friends with a NEW woman that he had no past with I might get suspicious if that makes sense.

[blue.butterfly]

It would make me uncomfortable. If you ever know you're going to get serious with someone, it may be respectful to not talk to your exes for awhile. That way you can focus your energy on the relationship you are building.

[lexi29]

I guess the point I am trying to make is that these two exes are my FRIENDS. Just like my close girlfriends (except that they are all married) Honestly would you give the same advice to someone- that they should be respectful and not talk to any of their friends for awhile when they start dating someone new? Just curious? And when I'm actually in a relationship I don't hang out with the two exes excessively and I would never blow off my SO to spend time with either of them.

[Art_Critic]

You sound like you are trying to talk yourself into believing that it will be okay..

I think you know that you are somewhat emotionally attached to them and just don't want to move on to someone new..

 

That is cool...Nothing wrong with doing what you are doing if it makes you happy..

 

But you need to not get all out of whack when a new guy that you start to date has a problem with it..

I think most people would have a problem with it considering how close you are to both of them..

[shockandawed]

Lexi,

 

As a male, if you were honest and up front about them with me at the beginning, then I would have absolutely no problem with them at all. I think it says volume about you that people want to remain friends with you.

 

I have had relationships with three people that have lasted over a year. I can say I have good friendships with two of them. My high school girlfriend looked me up last year after not hearing from her for 25 years. We immediately reconnected and eerily are at similar points in life, mainly early 40s and now single. While it would appear we are naturals to get back together, there is about a 1,000 mile difference between us now. A year ago, I may have had some thoughts about that, but since then, we have become great friends. She has given me some great advice and hopefully I have been able to do the same. We talk about once a week or so and since neither of us have that significant other right now, we tend to call each other first with the good stuff. The thing is, in the last year, this friendship has put her in a position I could never imagine being romantically involved with. She knows about all my dating exploits and would hopefully be involved in knowing about anyone I develop a relationship with.

 

The other is my ex-wife. We have been divorced for 4 years after being married for 18. We have two teens together which neccessitated communicating. We have been able to get along great since then and can talk about other things besides the kids.

 

The third is the ex-fiance who sent me to these boards a year ago. It would be impossible to be friends with her. I truly no longer have any respect for her as a person and she brings no value to any place in my life. She tries from time to time to chat online. I am polite but get away as quicky as I can.

 

Lexi, you sound like a great person who adds value to peoples lives. If any potential boyfriend can't handle the fact you are friends with ex's, then move along. You deserve someone who is comfortable with it and can appreciate the value you bring to your friends. It is not fair to turn your back on friends who have been there for you because some new guy is too insecure to appreciate you.

[Art_Critic]

Lexi, you sound like a great person who adds value to peoples lives. If any potential boyfriend can't handle the fact you are friends with ex's, then move along. You deserve someone who is comfortable with it and can appreciate the value you bring to your friends. It is not fair to turn your back on friends who have been there for you because some new guy is too insecure to appreciate you.

 

This is a great post and reading it made me rethink my advice..

I happen to agree with shockandawed with one addition.. and that is that there is no romantic connection between you all and that if you do get into another relationship then the flirting would need to stop and a boundary set that they would need to keep..

[blue.butterfly]

I have no interest in getting back with either of these exes. They are just really good friends now. Both guys flirt with me occasionally, give me compliments etc but its harmless. We are just friends.

 

I guess the point I am trying to make is that these two exes are my FRIENDS. Just like my close girlfriends (except that they are all married) Honestly would you give the same advice to someone- that they should be respectful and not talk to any of their friends for awhile when they start dating someone new?

 

Just wondering, do you flirt with your girlfriends? See what I'm saying? I believe you're enjoying the attention you get from your exes. I can almost guarantee you this will become an issue if you decide to start a relationship with someone.

 

By the way, when someone states so adamantly that they are JUST friends, it sends up a red flag for me. May just be me, though.

[a4a]

I have to keep one of my EXes in my life. I have zero desire to flirt, I don't give compliments, and I would be very very uncomfortable if anything beyond a simple "congratulations" was passed between us.

 

I suppose if I did still have romantic feelings for this person or desired to linger in our past R I would be warmer toward the EX.

 

Nice person, no hate, no desire, and I have moved on.

 

Allowing firtation between friends and EXes is a respect issue in my view - when it comes to having a serious interest in a person you do love and respect.

[lexi29]

I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to respond. I like the differing opinions. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the "flirting". To clarify, I consider flirting when one of them tells me "wow you look hot in that" or once my bf was saying I wanted to have sex too much and he kept complaining and I asked my exes for their opinion (and I also asked my gfs this too) and one of my exes (the one I dated for five years) said yeah he remembered "the good ol' days" and made a comment about our past sex life. Now THAT made me a bit uncomfortable but I considered that flirting in a way. My definition of flirting is probably not up to date as I haven't dated anyone new recently (was in a 3 yr relationship up until very recently). And this flirting might happen once a year if that. Mostly we just talk about work, family, mutual friends, tv and movies and common interests and just anything else you'd talk to with a friend of the same sex. The only thing I might talk to my exes more about than my female friends is recently I bought a new car and my ex (the one I dated for 5 yrs) is really big into cars so I asked his opinion on a few different models. But it was my bf that went with me to test drive the cars and when I actually bought one.

 

I think you can be warm/friendly to your ex without having romatic feelings for him/her. I am warm/friendly to my female friends and I certainly don't have any romantic feelings for them. So what is the difference?

[a4a]

The difference is that you are in control of your feelings. You are not in control of the motivations or intentions of your Exes.

 

There is a line to draw when considering the feelings of the person in your life -new partner.

 

I can be warm towards people including my X, but never would want a "flirt" comment from the X. Nor do I share the intimate details of my life with my X.

 

Some people are just happier moving on I guess.

 

I would never treat my X like I do my long term friends. Just not my way.

[underpants]

I was open to the whole "friends with ex's" thing in my last relationship. I thought perhaps I was close minded.

 

Boy was I burned. The most sad thing is that he is still stuck in ex land and the 'one that got away' is ever changing. I guess it is safer for him to pine for lost loves rather then invest in the present? Or for him perhaps more entertaining to carry on several superficial relationships then to have one genuine one? Who knows? All I learned was that 'friends with ex's is bad...mmmmkaay'.

 

So, the whole close friendships with ex's is a huge flag for me now.

 

As far as my ex's go. I have fond memories of them and if I bump into them I will say hello. However, I do not need to talk to them on a regular basis or hang out. Our relationship was tried and is over. That is the only way (for me) to invest fully with someone else.

[Cobra_X30]

I guess the point I am trying to make is that these two exes are my FRIENDS. Just like my close girlfriends (except that they are all married) Honestly would you give the same advice to someone- that they should be respectful and not talk to any of their friends for awhile when they start dating someone new? Just curious? And when I'm actually in a relationship I don't hang out with the two exes excessively and I would never blow off my SO to spend time with either of them.

 

Lexi,

 

This is a tough topic. See if I were a guy... and you seemed unwilling to let go of your ex's... that would bother me somewhat.

 

Here is what would bug me most. Here are two guys you have had intimate feelings for in the past... and you would be sharing our relationship details with them. That would make me upset.

 

Does that make sense?

[lexi29]

The 1st ex (the one I only dated five months and never slept with) we dated when I was only 17. I wouldnt" even consider him an ex (it wasn't serious) and don't normally refer to him as my ex (except for this forum) We are good friends but I wouldn't be comfortable not telling somone I was dating that I used to date him (even though it was 12 yrs ago) he is more like a brother to me now. I have NO sexual interest in him. I almost see him as asexual.

 

Ex #2 (the one I was engaged to) I just look at it as I spent a good portion of my life with him. We went through a lot together and he never did anything horrible to me (like cheating) and I never did anything horrible to him (except leaving him) so why waste all that time we shared? We can be friends and there is no sexual tension (been there done that, not intersted) and my feeling about exes is that you once loved this person and shared everything with them so as long as they didnt' screw you over or hurt you greatly then why not be friends if you both feel the same way. I should point out that this ex is also friends with the two women he dated seriously after me (one for more than 6 months, the other for about a year) and he has also said he will not date anyone who isn't comfortable with these friendships. I would never give up my friendships (any of them, male friends or female friends) to be with someone but I would cut back on the contact if it made someone I was serious about uncomfortable.

 

underpants, I totally understand where you are coming from too because I tried this with somoene I dated and got hurt in the end (he wasnt' friends with his ex when we started dating but he met up with her after 13 years and I met her too and he swore up and down they were just friends so I was ok with him talking to her (he never hung out with her though) and he ended up falling for her and dumped me to date her (it only lasted 3 weeks ha ha and he found he couldnt' stand her but thats a whole other story) but I do understand that it would be hard for some who have been burned in the past to deal with this situation.

[shockandawed]

WOW...Art, you were one of the guys who was trying to whip me back in shape a year ago, one of my cyber mentors. Now I can get you to look at things from another perspective, that means alot.

 

I think this is going to be a great thread. It has now caused me to consider two other things.

 

First, I have been casually dating again. I say casually because I am less than enthusiastic about what I have been meeting. Anyway, one of the things I bring up early is the fact I am great friends with an old girlfriend from high school and that I get along well with my ex wife. I do this to establish some credibility to the fact that I am a nice guy. That is how I look at it, that it verifies that I really have no baggage and that people still like me even if we aren't romantic. That I never did something so horrible in a relationship that they wouldn't befriend me after the fact.

 

You know, now I am wondering if this in fact hasn't scared some off, or at least made them feel I am still hung up on my exes. I never thought that, mainly because I don't think of them that way. The ex wife for example, right after our divorce, things were pretty chilly between us. We communicated only what we had to. However, as feelings faded, we were able to communicate more and once I had no feelings for her in a romantic sense, I was able to truly befriend her. I can listen to her ramble about problems with her fiance without feeling resentment. To me, the fact I can be friends with them says I am truly over them.

 

The other thing I am pondering is the flirting. Honestly, I think some of you are way too sensitive here. I have read nothing from Lexi that indicates anything out of line. Maybe I am a little twisted, but yes, I have flirted innocently with members of the opposite sex, and to answer the one posters question about members of the same sex, then yes, I guess I have. First of all, I am as straight as they come, in fact, probably somewhat of a homophobe. Sitting in a bar with a good friend, discussing in a sarcastic way my singledom and lack of associated activity, I recently have said, "heck I am to the point I wouldn't mind taking you home, shaving your back and making crazy manlove to you". Obviously, that will never happen. Does it mean I have some inner gay thing, NO, it just means I have a dry and sarcastic sense of humor. I have sent out of the blue text to my high school friend that say things like "will you have babies with me?" or "wanna have monkey sex?" Usually, it is in the middle of the day when I am thinking she may be in a meeting or something. Twisted, maybe but no intentions.

 

If Lexi is having casual banter with these guys, then lighten up. Like I said, I appreciate the fact people like her and that she is up front and honest about it. Maybe I am just naive and that is why I end up holding the bag.

[lexi29]

Lexi,

 

 

Here is what would bug me most. Here are two guys you have had intimate feelings for in the past... and you would be sharing our relationship details with them. That would make me upset.

 

Does that make sense?

 

 

I totally understand this- I rarely share personal details- the example I used- asking my exes about my bf's complaining about too much sex- after we'd been dating for 3 yrs- was possibly out of line but I needed a guy's opinion about why a guy would do this. I didn't understand why he was complaining and both of my exes gave the pefect explanation (and it turned out to be true-that he was interested in someone else!) so that was a time when I really needed a male opinion. I don't share personal relationship details other than I might mention that we had a fight or tell them something fun that we did (not sexually or anything!) Just as I'd share with my girl friends (although I'd go into way more detail with my girl friends and I also share some sex stuff with my female friends)

 

I did have a bf once tell his ex (yes he was friends with her) about something I said about her husband being a loser and I was VERY upset that he chose to share my feelings with her. So I do understand that there are certain boundaries that need to be maintained. I guess my thing is I'll just have to find a guy who is ok with this and if someone is not ok with my friendships then yes, I may lose out on a good guy but I wouldn't be happy getting rid of my friends just to date someone who may or may not work out.

[underpants]

I am still on the fence about this.

 

I was close friends with an ex (on/off) person in my twenties. It did prevent me from having a full on relationship with other men that I dated. He was my emotional fall back guy from time to time. Then he got married and severed our friendship. A childhood friend only did the same thing when he got married. I thought (at the time) that it was a silly thing to do. However, if that was part of their commitment then I respect that. Actually, losing the friend/ex from my twenties sparked me to grow up a bit and take my relationships more seriously.

 

I have some male friends now. Most are married on involved in relationships. I make it a point to befriend both parties in those circumstances. That is what I consider a respectful friendship.

 

One thing that bothered me about my ex and his 'friendships'. He is 'friends' with a couple of married ex's. I did ask him about one. I asked if he was friends with her husband. He is not and his reply was that the wife (his ex) said "what my husband does not know won't hurt him". That to me was just sad. (especially considering that he helped her cheat on her first husband)...maybe my ex is just scum.

[shockandawed]

I am still on the fence about this.

 

I was close friends with an ex (on/off) person in my twenties. It did prevent me from having a full on relationship with other men that I dated. He was my emotional fall back guy from time to time. Then he got married and severed our friendship. A childhood friend only did the same thing when he got married. I thought (at the time) that it was a silly thing to do. However, if that was part of their commitment then I respect that. Actually, losing the friend/ex from my twenties sparked me to grow up a bit and take my relationships more seriously.

 

I have some male friends now. Most are married on involved in relationships. I make it a point to befriend both parties in those circumstances. That is what I consider a respectful friendship.

 

One thing that bothered me about my ex and his 'friendships'. He is 'friends' with a couple of married ex's. I did ask him about one. I asked if he was friends with her husband. He is not and his reply was that the wife (his ex) said "what my husband does not know won't hurt him". That to me was just sad. (especially considering that he helped her cheat on her first husband)...maybe my ex is just scum.

 

Underpants, he does sound like scum. I totally agree with you on your post. I want to clarify my support of Lexi being friends with her exes is based completely on the fact she is upfront and honest with any potential new relationship.

[blue.butterfly]

"heck I am to the point I wouldn't mind taking you home, shaving your back and making crazy manlove to you"

 

:lmao:

 

I have some male friends now. Most are married on involved in relationships. I make it a point to befriend both parties in those circumstances. That is what I consider a respectful friendship.

 

Lexi, if you do decide to maintain friendships with your exes, just make sure your partner is involved in all aspects of the friendships. I think that will make your partner feel respected and much more comfortable. Hopefully everyone involved could be friends.

[underpants]

Underpants, he does sound like scum. I totally agree with you on your post. I want to clarify my support of Lexi being friends with her exes is based completely on the fact she is upfront and honest with any potential new relationship.

 

Yea, it's funny the things you find out ...later.

 

I can understand the neccessity of having a good relationship with an ex if there are children involved.

 

Other then that I just really feel like a close (emotional) friendship with an ex/or close opposite sex friend, can be...dangerous to a new relationship or even a primary one.

 

It is just too easy during stressful times to reach out to that ex or friend, and that I think can be detrimental to the primary relationship.

 

But then again, what do I know?

[oppath]

If they were a recent ex, no way. And I have conditions.

 

(1) As soon as we are exclusive, agreeing to become BF-GF, if they are in contact with the ex in a friendship context (call, email, group hangout), that ex knows they have a new boyfriend.

 

(2) Individual hang outs are not permitted until I've met the guy a couple times in group situations and I can witness they are just friends. If after that, I am not comfortable with them hanging out, it is not irrational on my part.

 

(3) If we are having relationship problems, no going to the ex with them.

 

I also know many people -- mostly women -- who think of their ex's as a backup plan, and they even talk to them "what would it take for us to date again if we were both single" -- and they don't see anything wrong with it. For me, if the ex is removed from your life, it signifies that you have room for me to enter your life.

 

I could tolerate your friendships if #'s 1-3 are met.

 

No matter what, Lexi, any guy would be stupid not to be a little bothered and observant. Trust is earned. You need to make a guy feel visible, his feelings a priority, and any friendship you have with an ex transparent.