Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Mornin'. I am sick of the this rollercoaster of emotions. My fiance cheated on me and broke it off because he's in 'love' with the other woman. He has been nothing but MEAN to me and all of this was via text and email basically. He never had the b*lls to say any of this to my face or over the phone. Perhaps because he couldn't bare to hear or see my pain, who knows? I am struggling everyday to not put him first and think about what he's doing and how he can be happy. I know this is something I need to do but for some reason it's so hard. I imagine where he is and what they are doing. He says he's happy and found a woman who knows how to treat him and I just think what did I do wrong for 7 years to make him so mad at me? How can I even blame myself? I know it's wrong, but I still do. How can someone who loves you (or used to???) leave you and not look back. How can he be mean to me and how can he be happy with someone else? If I were him I would be so guilty I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror - yet there he is drinking, having a good time (I saw pictures) and falling for someone else. How does HE get to be happy first?
Wibble Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 His guilt will come, and you won't even have to wait until his current "love" fades before he comes to realise that he has simply ended up exactly where he was. Obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your situation, but believe me, it is a well trodden path that he is treading, and the destination is ALWAYS the same. He will feel guilty even though he may never admit it to anyone but himself. Unfortunately that path is right over you, and you get trampled whether or not you like it. It will take time, and lots of it, to get past what has happened to you, but get over it you will. I have been doing so for 2 years, and it does get easier.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks Wibble. Part of me wants him to come crawling back to me so I can tell him where to go shove it. I want him to feel the pain I feel. He abandoned me and left me without ever looking back. And here I am picking up the pieces. That is just cruel.
Sierra Sunrise Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Karma is a real pain Confused. Trust me he does not feel guilt now but he will and when he does you will have moved on. My only suggestion to you is get involved with YOU. Do something for yourself. Take up a new hobby, see old friends, make new friends, join groups. Plenty of exercise, good nutrition is essential (though I know you don't feel like eating), and plenty of sleep is all good for the soul and the body. I would also suggest taking up some form of counseling for yourself and getting yourself back on track. There are plenty of affordable counselors out there. I hope that you get to feeling well soon, but take it from me he will regret it. They all do eventually and by then it's usually too late.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 He is just being so mean. how can he be mean to someone he loves? he told me he was still in love with me...now weeks later...it's leave me alone. I am in love with someone else and having a baby. how is that even possible? how can't he miss me? I ***hate*** this. I wish he was unhappy and feeling this pain...not me.
michaelk Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I can't advise you on how to get past this. I understand that it's incredibly hard for you. I can give you a perspective from the other side of marriage, so to speak. My wife and I have been together for nearly 20 years. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by the fact that neither of us wanted to rock the boat. We'd keep inside things that were bothering us in the relationship, largely for fear of driving the other away. But you can't do this forever. Eventually, if you don't talk to your partner about what's wrong, the number of wrong things between you will overwhelm you. This is why people say (and rightly so) that marriage is work. I tell you this because your complete surprise and bewilderment, and his unwillingness to talk after the fact, speaks volumes. Your ex is a man who was able to be with you for seven years, yet never tell you that there were shortcomings in the relationship. He was unwilling or unable to work on things, instead taking the coward's way out by waiting until an opportunity came for him to jump ship and leave his baggage behind (in your lap). Knowing that about him, what are the chances that a marriage to him would have worked out? Be glad that you found out now, and feel sorry for the girl he eventually does marry, because she's going to end up unhappier than you.
FireandIce Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you guys have kids? Hopefully you don't. I would count my blessings if you don't. I know that doesn't help much now but it will in the long run. You need to find someone who appreciates you and isn't a selfish piece of crap who only thinks about himself. Don't worry, his world will come tumbling down sooner or later. You just won't be there to pick up the pieces.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 He obviously is caught up in affairyland and new crush-like feelings with the OW. If he feels what he has with her is 'true love' well, there's nothing you can do about it, sadly enough...Just know that NONE of this is your fault, you've done nothing wrong. Something is either broken inside of him, whether it be he wasn't really ready to settle down and get married, want to make a full committment to you and this is his way out, or he's just a big fat jerk-off who's true colours are now coming out of the wood works.. I hope you feel better soon and have some good days.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 but, he always said he was so happy. If he wasn't happy...why wouldn't he have said anything? If he fell out of love with me...why would he have 'pretended' to be so in love with me. I really don't think he was unhappy with us. If he was...he REALLY REALLY fooled me. You are in his shoes so to speak in terms of you cheating, correct? If he fell out of love with me and was really truly happy with his decision...would he be acting so bitter and resentful towards me? Would he tell me how HAPPY he was. It was almost like he is trying to push this in my face. He isn't talking to anyone in our old life. He isn't even calling his best man. If he did this to get out...wouldn't he explain that? He wouldn't even tell his best friend what he did...he just said we broke up because we weren't getting along...he lied to him. He's lying to himself. I would love to hear more about what your thoughts are...maybe they will help me since he won't speak to me.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 You say he is also an alcoholic, so that is a reason too. Something inside of him is broken. He is messed up in the head! Him avoiding everyone is a sign that he IS running away, into a fantasy-land. He's run from responsibility, run from taking accountability of his actions, he is scared to face you, his family, his closest friends...I actually wonder now if it's a combo of his drinking and maybe some depression?? HE said he was happy but happy people don't do a 180 like this and all of a sudden pull a stunt like he did. Unfortunately, it's some like him who seem happy on the outside, try their best to keep that persona going as long as possible, but inside he is dying and can't get out, so the OW seems to be his way out of it. Maybe he'll wake up, realize WTF am I doing! Maybe he won't...All I know is, from reading what you've said, the best thing now is to leave him be because he is like a cancer, he's poison and nothing you or anyone else does to try to help him will work. He doesn't want help because he doesn't want to face himself and deal with life PERIOD.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 No kids...thank god! He suppossedly ahs one on the way now, nice huh? Thanks for your advice fire and ice.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 he definately is depressed whichway...he always was. I also found out he is a liar. He was lying about things...like how much money he makes, why we were living where we lived, etc. He just is nothing like I thought he was. I just can't believe he is happy. It just doesn't seem possible. I don't understand how he can eat, sleep, and live on knowing that he has made a fool of me and left me 1,000's of miles away to pick up the pieces and fix his mistakes. He always sent me text messages saying that he can't wait to be my husband and he is so proud of who he gets to marry. He was always so open about how he felt towards me. He has shocked everyone. I honestly think he made a mistake...couldn't deal with it because of his addict/emotional issues already and just continued to make it. I just don't understand why he would be so mean to me if he was so happy...you know?
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Because he isn't thinking about anybody but himself. The depression and the alcoholism has made him very very selfish and he's on a bad path right now... You are right, he has made a mistake, many of them, and he cannot deal with real life anymore. The thing that HE cannot see though is, bringing a child into this world won't help. He may be pretending to be happy, or he's got a high right now because of the crush-like feelings with the OW, but just know, sooner or later ALL that will come crashing down as he'll be put into another situation of having responsibility thrown at him, and he'll run again. Between the drinking and depression, you know he CANNOT handle it...Only a matter of time before he hits rockbottom.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I just hope one day he will apologize for what he's done. It's very hard to imagine being able to move on from this with him walking away without any remorse or saddness...makes you feel worthless. you know?
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 After he hits rockbottom and gets to AA, does the recovery steps he will have to give you an appology. Right now he isn't sorry as he isn't seeing things clearly at all. This is not the man you fell inlove with.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I know. I want ***that*** man back!
michaelk Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I know. I want ***that*** man back! Well, you can't get him back, because he didn't really exist. But you can go out and find one like him! Once you have some time to deal with your hurt, of course.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I am so scared I won't trust anyone again for such a long time. BEcause of everything that happened. I am in therapy trying to work that out...but this man played me for a fool.
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