cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Hello Everyone, I am having a great day and had a GREAT night. For over a year now as you all know I have been sitting here letting my H gaslight me, be mean, distant and cold.....well last night, he again put off sex (he was tired and said we have all weekend) anyway, I said " Maybe we need a break" he did not like that at all.....I said I will move to the lake house for a couple of weeks considering my insecurites and my aggressiveness towards you and wanting to be with you is making you nuts, we can back off for awhile regroup and talk later. He said " No, if you want a brak, then we might as well divorce, I am not going through that again" You see HE moved out in 2002, we were fighing a lot, I moved on started seeing someone else ( we were not married at that time) and he has never got over that, so he is afraid I will move on again. What he does not understand is that I AM NOT A CHEATER and if we split for a while it may be good for us both to THINK and do some soul searching. His best friends wife did this recently and she never came back and his friend is crushed, so I guess he thinks I will do the same, which I might. I feel good because I finally found my balls so to speak (I know I do not have any) and stood up to him and his s---- ! I told him I was not happy with his distance, lack of affection and not coming home after work etc....I said, If I am down there (14 miles away from my other house) you can stay out do what you want and not have to worry about me b---- at you or waiting for you to come home. I can read and relax and you can do what you always do, what the h---- you want.....he still refused and told me if you say you want a break again, I will file the papers....I said that is sad that a break means divorce for you, but do whatever, we need to do something or it will lead to divorce anyway....you have to join me in this marriage or I am gone....he told me that he is tired of my insecurities and that I need to relax and let US happen naturally....I said it has been a year and you are the same, what are you waiting for? He said, for you to chill out and let it happen and stop forcing it.....I said, if you think I am forcing you to be with me, then I do not want it and that is your answer...I should NOT have to force you to be with me, s---- or get off the pot SOON or I will ! He said, please let me just go to sleep, I said go ahead and laughed.....so you see it will all be over soon....the crazy s---- or WE will be over....I just want one or the other at this point, I am ready ! Does anyone think I was wrong for asking for a break?
curiousnycgirl Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Of course it wasn't wrong - look at how good you feel. And how liberated. You've taken the power back here, and you appear to be feeling great! Good for you!
OpenBook Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I feel good because I finally found my balls so to speak (I know I do not have any) and stood up to him and his s---- ! I told him I was not happy with his distance, lack of affection and not coming home after work etc.... I should NOT have to force you to be with me, s---- or get off the pot SOON or I will ! He said, please let me just go to sleep, I said go ahead and laughed.....so you see it will all be over soon....the crazy s---- or WE will be over....I just want one or the other at this point, I am ready ! Does anyone think I was wrong for asking for a break? Good for you CJ!! I think EVERY woman should grow a pair!! I also think it is natural for your man to resist the change in you... Men tend to REALLY HANG ON to that "edge" they've always enjoyed over you, they won't give it up without a fight. He's used to you not standing up for yourself. And now that you finally are, he's going WTF?!? Who does she think she IS?!? Well, it's beyond time to SHOW him who you really are. He's gotten away with way too much for far too long. I hope you jerk a knot in him -- not literally of course, but changing your behavior patterns so that (end result) when you walk into the room, HE SITS UP AND PAYS ATTENTION!! He is trying to manipulate you, playing into your fears that he KNOWS you have. The ironic thing is, his very attempts to manipulate you are bringing to light HIS OWN fears and insecurities... something about you being the one to move out (maybe not being there for him & doing all those things you do for him anymore??) is freaking him out. Bottom line - don't give in to his manipulations!! Go ahead, move into that lakehouse. Show him you're serious -- either something drastically changes, or you're outta there!!
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 You beat your a--- it feels good.....I am on my way back and for the first time in a long time I can smile again.....only bad part is that he will not agree to take a break, we need it bad ! I know I do !
Kasan Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I am so happy for you--I was going to ask you in a post yesterday, how much longer were you going to hang on. I am glad that clarity has been achieved!!!! Been a long time coming!
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 What is funny about all this is that the person he saw last night was the one he feel in love with 13 years ago. He loved that I was a strong, independent woman that did not take crap.....but after he realized it was more fun to be in control this year, he hates that about me now....too bad.....I am back. I got up this morning, fixed my hair in a sexy way (the way I was before all this) put my size 5 sexy jeans on and a low cut top....I look good and feel good. I was not plannig on moving in ( we are moving there in March anyway ) just staying for a couple of weeks with little or NC. Just to chill out from the daily drama, but NO he will not have that.....I am going to do it anyway. He needs an eye opener and so do I..... I love him, but I am tired of this life and so is he.....I am willing to change, he is not and that is not a marriage and not going to get it in my book ! I will be single and alone, I am now anyway ! What is the difference?
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Confused.....now it is your turn.....stand up and be proud....IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG !
foreverchanged Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 CJ, you are doing the right thing, stand up for yourself. He is so used to pushing your buttons, he thinks he can counter with the "divorce" threat and you will fold. Odds are, if it comes to you leaving and going to the lake house, he will finally have to face that fact that YOU can live without him, and he has got to make a decision, her or you. You said it best - you are alone now, so what's this difference. STAY STRONG! I wish you happiness
harleygirl92156 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I don't understand why you have to have his permission to have a break!! If you need a break, take it. Don't ask him, tell him! If you taking a break for a couple weeks causes him to file for a divorce then that is what he wants anyway and who wants to be with someone who doesn't want you. You deserve better. Pack your things today, let him know where you will be, and assure him you will not be dating while you are there (geez) and tell him you will not be accepting phone calls from him, but that he can leave a message IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY ONLY! Go and enjoy your quiet time.
Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I know. I have not spoken to him in almost 2 weeks. That's not to say I don't want to. I am having a hard time today. I am sick of the rollercoaster.
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Honey I know you are, it makes you sick at your stomach, cannot sleep or have an appetite.....BUT IT WILL PASS.....as you see I am doing it now a little at the time....I am sure I will be on here with bad days again, but today is not one of them....so you see thank GOD for the few good you have and hang on through the bad.....you will soon start having more good than bad, I promise !
Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I hope so. I am just struggling to focus on ME and not him.
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Hello Everyone, I am having a great day and had a GREAT night. For over a year now as you all know I have been sitting here letting my H gaslight me, be mean, distant and cold.....well last night, he again put off sex (he was tired and said we have all weekend) anyway, I said " Maybe we need a break" he did not like that at all.....I said I will move to the lake house for a couple of weeks considering my insecurites and my aggressiveness towards you and wanting to be with you is making you nuts, we can back off for awhile regroup and talk later. He said " No, if you want a brak, then we might as well divorce, I am not going through that again" You see HE moved out in 2002, we were fighing a lot, I moved on started seeing someone else ( we were not married at that time) and he has never got over that, so he is afraid I will move on again. What he does not understand is that I AM NOT A CHEATER and if we split for a while it may be good for us both to THINK and do some soul searching. His best friends wife did this recently and she never came back and his friend is crushed, so I guess he thinks I will do the same, which I might. I feel good because I finally found my balls so to speak (I know I do not have any) and stood up to him and his s---- ! I told him I was not happy with his distance, lack of affection and not coming home after work etc....I said, If I am down there (14 miles away from my other house) you can stay out do what you want and not have to worry about me b---- at you or waiting for you to come home. I can read and relax and you can do what you always do, what the h---- you want.....he still refused and told me if you say you want a break again, I will file the papers....I said that is sad that a break means divorce for you, but do whatever, we need to do something or it will lead to divorce anyway....you have to join me in this marriage or I am gone....he told me that he is tired of my insecurities and that I need to relax and let US happen naturally....I said it has been a year and you are the same, what are you waiting for? He said, for you to chill out and let it happen and stop forcing it.....I said, if you think I am forcing you to be with me, then I do not want it and that is your answer...I should NOT have to force you to be with me, s---- or get off the pot SOON or I will ! He said, please let me just go to sleep, I said go ahead and laughed.....so you see it will all be over soon....the crazy s---- or WE will be over....I just want one or the other at this point, I am ready ! Does anyone think I was wrong for asking for a break? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! Stick to your guns.. You HAVE to. What's the worse thing that can happen? something that seems inevitable anyway? OR, could it go the other way? YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW!!!
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I am going to do it, what do I have to loose anyway.....if he wants to D me because of that, go ahead.......he is just afraid I am going to move on, he should be afraid.... I WILL NOT cheat, but I could decide I like it without him now and move on, or he could as well. I think it will be very good for US either way !
Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 CJ, i hope this works out for you. Whatever it is you are hoping the outcome will be...I hope you get what you want. Just know that whatever happens...you will come out on top!
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I am going to do it, what do I have to loose anyway.....if he wants to D me because of that, go ahead.......he is just afraid I am going to move on, he should be afraid.... I WILL NOT cheat, but I could decide I like it without him now and move on, or he could as well. I think it will be very good for US either way ! AMEN! Just keep thinking: YOU WILL FINALLY HAVE AN ANSWER AND FREEDOM TO MOVE FORWARD (one way or another, but forward). Don't be afraid, be strong. GOD, won't let you fall, or if you do, HE will pick you up and dust you off. You WILL be OK!
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 God has been with me so far all this way and I made it when I though t I could not.....I know I can make it now. For some reason, I am not afraid at all......just want it to go one way or another. I believe now I will be able to make a choice without regret......love is blind, but I am not ! My grandmother told me " If you hang around s--- long enough, you start to smell like it" well, I was starting to smell ! No more !
LifesontheUp Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 God has been with me so far all this way and I made it when I though t I could not.....I know I can make it now. For some reason, I am not afraid at all......just want it to go one way or another. I believe now I will be able to make a choice without regret......love is blind, but I am not ! My grandmother told me " If you hang around s--- long enough, you start to smell like it" well, I was starting to smell ! No more ! Good for you You were at stalemate. I'm happy that you've made a decision to resolve the situation one way or other.
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I never thought I was capable of being alone (have been tied down since I was 18) but now I have had time to think about it and I may just like it after all......Everyone I know that has been single or that is single loved it. They cannot believe that at my age I have not been alone yet. Now that I have my son off to college (GO BULLDOGS) I can concentrate on me....he just left this weekend and that for some reason made me feel different? I have not figured that out yet, how him leaving helped me start wanting to move on in my marriage ! He was my life and still is, but now it is time for me I guess......never had that before !
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I never thought I was capable of being alone (have been tied down since I was 18) but now I have had time to think about it and I may just like it after all......Everyone I know that has been single or that is single loved it. They cannot believe that at my age I have not been alone yet. Now that I have my son off to college (GO BULLDOGS) I can concentrate on me....he just left this weekend and that for some reason made me feel different? I have not figured that out yet, how him leaving helped me start wanting to move on in my marriage ! He was my life and still is, but now it is time for me I guess......never had that before ! Maybe you and your H will have a BETTER relationship when this all said and done.. I know I do, as the children will always be there to keep us "united" so to speak..
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Well, my son is gone and we have no children together, so I guess that may be one reason I feel so free to go now. I do not have my son at home, but still take care of him (college, more needy now LOL ) so I feel I am able to take care of ME now and not have to worry about him watching the change and worrying about it.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 CJ, fantastic!! I'm really proud of you and I know this has been building up inside for a long time. The bottomline is, your H is screwed up in the head - What he did and what he won't admit to is messing him up even more and fact that he STILL cannot consider going to marriage counselling or seeking therapy for himself just means that he is not ready to admit to himself the mistakes he's made and the choices he's made is the reason things are sh*t right now. Maybe leaving will end to divorce, or maybe it will wake him up and get him going to actually fix his life, so he can help fix the marriage...But, until that happens, just go on as you are! Enjoy your peace, put yourself first and find that woman inside you that's been buried alive due to alot of pain and heartache.
Mz. Pixie Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 You know, he's going to use this as an excuse to file for divorce and be the good guy. He'll be telling all your friends "Well she wanted time apart and she left me". :sick: He's not going to admit to incest ever- I feel that most people never will. Just like a child molester will deny it to the end-even when you have them dead to rights. He's sick and needs some professional help. If he really wanted to stay married he would be doing whatever he could to make it work. A break would be fine with him, going to counseling, etc. You seem to be doing better but have you considered counseling for yourself?? I mean, to examine why you would even want him considering what he's done. This is not normal infidelity here.
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I love you WHICHWAY, yes I was buried alive and so was my H so to speak, but as his own son said to me last night.....he can ruin his own life, but WE do not have to let him take us down with him. He encouraged me to leave and find whatever it is I need for me and to actually move on without his father, saying he does not deserve you or me....we are better than that ! He is is so sweet and I feel so bad for him, he is STUCK, I am not....unfortuantely you cannot chose your father, but you can a partner. I know I will be fine now and am so looking forward to the beginning of a new life either way with or without him in it. I told him just last night, I will be happy and want you in my life, that will be up to you, but I will decide in the end. He said, I will do the same...I said I hope so, time is precious and we both deserve to be happy in life....we are not right now. I can accept I need to change things about me and will, for me. But he is the opposite, he will admit he has issues inside, always has, but he has it all under control, I do not! The only difference and I told him this is that I do not hold things in, he does....he said you need to try....I said NO I am not you and you are not me.....live with it or do what you have to do, I will be doing the same. I can bet you a million dollars right now, he will be up my b--- this weekend, attentive and all over me.....but UNLIKE my H I will appreciate the effort and be there with him, not be mad and resent ! I am 41, he is 38, I am mature, he is not, bad mix.....the only thing about us that has not changed is we LOOK good together (outside) Ken and Barbie thing (that is what people call us) but on the inside, we are night and day. I am sober all day, he is stoned and drunk, now WHO is the stronger person here and always has been for 13 years. Yes, I can be a pain in the butt, everyone can, but I take care of my family and my business...he does nothing !
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