stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Yes and you did a great job pumping up her ego along the way...Not saying she doesn't deserve those nice things you've done for her, it's just this is what her husband should be doing for her, not you! I can see now why she's having a struggle of letting go of you and trying to work things out at home with her husband... She has tried, before me, she tried for years before me.. HE doesnt get that, and I wont pick on the guy, but he doesnt do it for her anymore.. And maybe really never has.. They've known eachother since they were 17/18 years old, and are now early 40's.. BUT, that is alot of history there...
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 BUT, that is alot of history there... And that history and what they share IS why they are not going to divorce. Is it right to stay married because of history? I don't know, but it is their choice to decide as it's their marriage. Maybe neither of them want to give up their lifestyle, their friends and family, inlaws etc...Too much to give up for the unknown future. And that old saying comes to mind - Better to stick with the devil you know rather than the devil you don't know....
a4a Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 She has tried, before me, she tried for years before me.. HE doesnt get that, and I wont pick on the guy, but he doesnt do it for her anymore.. And maybe really never has.. They've known eachother since they were 17/18 years old, and are now early 40's.. BUT, that is alot of history there... ahhh....... so she has been draggin' ass with him for 20+ years and draggin ass with you for 3.5 ? so do we see a pattern here? again she is the victim of her boring marriage.... she should have bailed at 19 then.
JMC Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Stampdaddy...Pm's are private messages...yours aren't enabled yet as you haven't posted enough. I know you are hurting, I understand that you are seeking advice from people who have been where you are. However NONE OF US know your MW personally. We've never met her, we don't know what the "good times" were like for the two of you vs. the now "bad times". We can only state our opinions. YOU are the only one who can decided if you've been used or done wrong. Often times people will make general statements that your MW can't possibly be a good person because she's a liar and a cheat. Only you know if that is true or not. A situation does not define who we are inside. She could quite possibly be torn between love for you and obligation at home. We can only guess what the situation truly is. Also you are the only one who has control over how you feel about it and what you do about it. Do not look for specific answers from strangers as they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Some of us have been in similar situations and can tell you what we've experienced but you will unfortunately find that the "real" OP here will no longer post their situations for fear of being judged and or flamed for thier "lack of morals." The best advice I can give you is to be very careful about how much you put out there for all to read. Right now it seems that everyone is on your side and would like to offer you comfort and support because you are at a crossroads of ending your A. But that can quickly change as your sitution changes. Notice that no one is telling you to hang in there, if you truly love each other things will work out. You are only being told that you're being used by a manipulative, lying "cheater". Meaning if you and MW decide to keep going because you truly love each other. You will no longer get the "support" you've been getting. Just be carefull. So many of us OP have put our feelings and thoughts out there when we were vulnerable and in need of support. Then thinking we've found a safe place to vent and get good advice along come those who would love nothing more than to tear you down more for the choices you've made out of love for another human being. I'm sure I will get flamed for this which is why I wanted to PM you. Just be carefull how much information you post here. I stopped posting details about my situation a while ago and there are many many others in our situation that have stopped posting as well. A2L W H O A !!!! I love this post.....damn!!!! Thank God for people like you A2L. Aside from loving this post....it is just freaking W R O N G as hell and pxsses me off to no end (as I'm sure it does people who've been here way longer than me) that we can't even use our own forum for which it was created and intended. It's been taken over by the thought police. So what do we do? Where do we get our much needed support, the likes of which isn't completely available upon T H I S H E R E B O A R D named "Other Women/Men"?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JMC Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Stampdaddy...Pm's are private messages...yours aren't enabled yet as you haven't posted enough. I know you are hurting, I understand that you are seeking advice from people who have been where you are. However NONE OF US know your MW personally. We've never met her, we don't know what the "good times" were like for the two of you vs. the now "bad times". We can only state our opinions. YOU are the only one who can decided if you've been used or done wrong. Often times people will make general statements that your MW can't possibly be a good person because she's a liar and a cheat. Only you know if that is true or not. A situation does not define who we are inside. She could quite possibly be torn between love for you and obligation at home. We can only guess what the situation truly is. Also you are the only one who has control over how you feel about it and what you do about it. Do not look for specific answers from strangers as they haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Some of us have been in similar situations and can tell you what we've experienced but you will unfortunately find that the "real" OP here will no longer post their situations for fear of being judged and or flamed for thier "lack of morals." The best advice I can give you is to be very careful about how much you put out there for all to read. Right now it seems that everyone is on your side and would like to offer you comfort and support because you are at a crossroads of ending your A. But that can quickly change as your sitution changes. Notice that no one is telling you to hang in there, if you truly love each other things will work out. You are only being told that you're being used by a manipulative, lying "cheater". Meaning if you and MW decide to keep going because you truly love each other. You will no longer get the "support" you've been getting. Just be carefull. So many of us OP have put our feelings and thoughts out there when we were vulnerable and in need of support. Then thinking we've found a safe place to vent and get good advice along come those who would love nothing more than to tear you down more for the choices you've made out of love for another human being. I'm sure I will get flamed for this which is why I wanted to PM you. Just be carefull how much information you post here. I stopped posting details about my situation a while ago and there are many many others in our situation that have stopped posting as well. A2L I still can't believe how much I love this post....A2L, for those of us here who haven't been here long enough to have PM use, how long does it take to get that? There's so much more I want to say but don't wanna T/J.
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 My gosh. No one is flaming anyone here. Certain people are so entertained by conflict they keep inventing it when it isn't even happening.
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Tough love and harsh advice is not meant to be cruel, mean or rude. I hope most can tell the difference between being rude to someone and giving them harsh advice. To me, anyway, there's a big difference.
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Tough love and harsh advice is not meant to be cruel, mean or rude. I hope most can tell the difference between being rude to someone and giving them harsh advice. To me, anyway, there's a big difference. Just so you know, I do get the difference, so keep it coming.. I am a big boy...
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks reboot! That was a whole bottle of water went out through my nose there! my monitor is dripping!Disclaimer: I am not responsible for damaged peripherals or other electronic components. Glad I could give you a chuckle.
White Flower Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Wog, most of the OW here believe the SOB story their MM's have told them about the wife being awful too...This isn't gender specific - This is the big golden LIE that most MM/MW put out there during the affair.... This phrase is very interesting in that no one really knows for sure if the "story" is indeed a lie or the truth. I do believe that when a WS first decides to cheat there is definitely a true sob story. That is not to say that there aren't little and insignificant stories to help fuel the original, but I think for someone to begin cheating just because they want their kicks is not worth the risk unless they are serial cheaters. For most, I believe there is true pain that needs to be allieviated. I am not excusing their choices, but I think the "golden lie" usually comes from the serial cheater who just likes to get his or her jollies.
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 This phrase is very interesting in that no one really knows for sure if the "story" is indeed a lie or the truth. I do believe that when a WS first decides to cheat there is definitely a true sob story. That is not to say that there aren't little and insignificant stories to help fuel the original, but I think for someone to begin cheating just because they want their kicks is not worth the risk unless they are serial cheaters. For most, I believe there is true pain that needs to be allieviated. I am not excusing their choices, but I think the "golden lie" usually comes from the serial cheater who just likes to get his or her jollies.There's a lot of truth to this, although I think that once someone gets embroiled in the fog of such a situation, they often wind up "remembering" their relationship and their spouse very differently than how it really was. And in order to keep their conscious as clear as possible (and this may often be subconsciously), they may invent more "sob stories" than ever actually existed. JMO. But you are right WF, we do all need to remember that "always" and "never" seldom apply in real life.
White Flower Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 There's a lot of truth to this, although I think that once someone gets embroiled in the fog of such a situation, they often wind up "remembering" their relationship and their spouse very differently than how it really was. And in order to keep their conscious as clear as possible (and this may often be subconsciously), they may invent more "sob stories" than ever actually existed. JMO. But you are right WF, we do all need to remember that "always" and "never" seldom apply in real life. So true, and that is why I stated that, "That is not to say that there aren't little and insignificant stories to help fuel the original". This is essentially the reason I decided to end it. The little and insignificant stories are meant to fuel the A and seem so trite to the point you're not sure you can believe the I love yous anymore. Good luck to Stamdaddy. It was LS that helped me to see this A wasn't going anywhere. And so many people think this forum validates affairs.
scaredinlove Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 This is not a thread to bash the OW or any of that but if many of you actually got what you wanted from these men you would get bored within a year and would be looking for greener grass. You date MM because a real relationship scares you and a MM is safe. That being said you are still human and you do have a heart so you fall in love which is why you tear yourself apart emotionally. Going back to the initial question...... I have no problem with being a "real" relationship. My first boy friend istayed with him for 4 yrs, than i was married to myex H for 10yrs and I was with hi for 14 yrs all together. I have been with MM for the last 5 yrs, as you can see I have more trouble leaving R than staying on them. The grass is not greener , I see my MM for what he is and I know all his bad and good qualities. i stayed with him fo all this yrs cause i love him. If for some crazy miracle (that is what it is gonna take ) he becomes single my intentions are to stay with him until death parts us. I love him and what the future holds no one knows . By the way our R may not being the mainstream sort of a thing butit is Very Real. To be honest it is more real than his marriage.
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 So true, and that is why I stated that, "That is not to say that there aren't little and insignificant stories to help fuel the original". This is essentially the reason I decided to end it. The little and insignificant stories are meant to fuel the A and seem so trite to the point you're not sure you can believe the I love yous anymore. Good luck to Stamdaddy. It was LS that helped me to see this A wasn't going anywhere. And so many people think this forum validates affairs. Thanks for the "goodluck", I'll be OK, I think.. She really never gave a sob story, other than just no joy.. She wouldnt beat him up.. They just grew apart and really didnt have much in common as they got older, except the kids.. She had a lot of resentment built up from raising the kids basically alone.. Heck, just up until recently has he really spent any quality "one on one" with any of them.. Not saying he's a bad father at all, by the way.. When she was about 38 is when she started to realize, "what am I doing? am I happy?", which is common.. And I'll say this, there are NO pictures of them in the house, no "US" things, in 18 years of M, they have bought 2 pieces of furniture (he makes decent/good money), NO GROWTH as a couple (her words). It's like when the kids were born, the marriage stopped... Typical "I'm the man, I work at my job, EVERYTHING else is up to you..." I'm venting I guess..
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Do i just quit? Today, just quit, is she NOT coming? Have I been used all of this time? Is there NO TRUTH?? No hope, no chance, no fate? Do I just say "Screw it, she's a lying, dirty, cheating no good person?" OR, do I have HOPE? Only you can answer this...What do you want from her? Can she meet you halfway? What's your R like? Is she worth it to you?
scaredinlove Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks for the "goodluck", I'll be OK, I think.. She really never gave a sob story, other than just no joy.. She wouldnt beat him up.. They just grew apart and really didnt have much in common as they got older, except the kids.. She had a lot of resentment built up from raising the kids basically alone.. Heck, just up until recently has he really spent any quality "one on one" with any of them.. Not saying he's a bad father at all, by the way.. When she was about 38 is when she started to realize, "what am I doing? am I happy?", which is common.. And I'll say this, there are NO pictures of them in the house, no "US" things, in 18 years of M, they have bought 2 pieces of furniture (he makes decent/good money), NO GROWTH as a couple (her words). It's like when the kids were born, the marriage stopped... Typical "I'm the man, I work at my job, EVERYTHING else is up to you..." I'm venting I guess.. She is getting you o involved on her problems, my MM does too. Not good for you. Pull away a little. Best wishes.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I know I can drive myself crazy with all of this, and at some point I have to say, "she's not here, she's not coming, she will be selfless and stay in the M for the kids and YES, SHE WILL MISS ME, SHE SHOULD!!!!!" So why drive yourself crazy? What do you enjoy about your R? Why are you still there? Focusing on the negatives will only shorten the R life...Is that what you want? And I'm not telling you to go either way, but decide what it is that YOU want...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I try not to come across like mine is the most special, and that most people wouldnt understand, but we are all adults here, and we ALL know only how WE feel... Yours is special to you and guess what? That's what it's all about... Is that any different than anyone person's M being special to them? No, it's not... So stop apologizing for your feelings...You have them and it's what you do with them that matters...
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Interesting, Maybe all these situations boil down to: Competition, Conquest and Escape. Wow, kinda sounds like M, doesn't it?
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Interesting, Maybe all these situations boil down to: Competition, Conquest and Escape. Wow, kinda sounds like M, doesn't it?Your marriage maybe.
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Only you can answer this...What do you want from her? Can she meet you halfway? What's your R like? Is she worth it to you? OH MY GOD YES! She IS worth it to me!! What do I want from her? FREEDOM. Freedom, just an "every other weekend", a phone call to say goodnite, etc.... Our R has been very good, nobody has ever understood me like she does. Whenever we have had a "problem", we have spent great effort to understand what and why.. What do you mean about meeting me half way?
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 OH MY GOD YES! She IS worth it to me!! What do I want from her? FREEDOM. Freedom, just an "every other weekend", a phone call to say goodnite, etc.... Our R has been very good, nobody has ever understood me like she does. Whenever we have had a "problem", we have spent great effort to understand what and why.. What do you mean about meeting me half way? Well why can't she do some of those things? You're not asking for very much...And by halfway, maybe not all of what you're asking for, but part of it, that would make you happy... Have you ever told her what it is that will satisfy you, while she figures things out? Because quite frankly, I don't see her maintaining NC if she's in love with you... If she does, then you'll know how the story ends... GEL
stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Well why can't she do some of those things? You're not asking for very much...And by halfway, maybe not all of what you're asking for, but part of it, that would make you happy... Have you ever told her what it is that will satisfy you, while she figures things out? Because quite frankly, I don't see her maintaining NC if she's in love with you... If she does, then you'll know how the story ends... GEL I dont either, BUT, your right, IF she does.... We need to get this over with, one way or another.. SO, the journey has begun..
frannie Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Well why can't she do some of those things? You're not asking for very much...And by halfway, maybe not all of what you're asking for, but part of it, that would make you happy... Have you ever told her what it is that will satisfy you, while she figures things out? Because quite frankly, I don't see her maintaining NC if she's in love with you... If she does, then you'll know how the story ends... GEL GEL I don't know whether you've read stampdaddy's thread, but both his MW and her husband have asked SD for NC during this time while they work on what they're going to do with their marriage.
frannie Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 From what I have seen and read and how these women have treated commited relationships in the past. How do you know how OW have have treated commited relationships in the past? There are a lot of OW who have had long marriages. I think you're making assumptions here. In fact I'm not sure I see the point of the whole thread (well the bits of it that aren't about stampdaddy's situation), which seems to be about armchair analysis of people in the OW/OM situation. Fair enough, but does it get anyone anywhere? JMHO, not intended to step on any toes.
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