jimmy20013 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Ok, After working through all the emotional breakup stuff, I am back in the dating field and I have a question. There is this girl in one of my classes who is fairly attractive. Our communication for the whole semester was pretty much limited to 'hi' and 'hello' but couple of weeks ago I saw her sitting alone on campus and started talking to her. I didn't have any feelings, I just saw her alone and approached her because I had free time. We talked for about a good hour. The same thing happened after two days and another two days. After one week I realized that she was my kind of a person and I would like to go out with her. Took me a couple of days to muster the courage to ask her out but I did and this is how the conversation went - Me: What are you doing on Saturday? Her: Umm, (some random talk), nothing, I am free. Me: Well, if you are free, would you like to go out on Saturday? Her: (Hesitation)... You mean like on a date? Me: Yes, on a date. Her: Umm....Can I think about it? Me: Sure. End conversation I saw her today and asked her if she had thought about it and she said that she did and she can't go out on a date but wouldn't mind hanging out as friends. I said ok and got her phone number and said that I would call her on Friday. Now a couple of questions: She doesn't seem like the kind of girl who wouldn't hesitate to reject a guy outright but somehow I feel that she rejected me. I just want a female's opinion on this. Did she reject me? Second, if she did then I don't want to hangout with her as a friend because I am attracted to her and I don't want this to be a case of unrequited attraction. Will it be ok or rather advisable for me to be honest with her and say "I asked you out because I found you attractive but you don't share the same feeling and it won't be wise for us to go out" or something similar. Third, should I go out anyway and hope that she develops an attraction for me? I will be honest and say that I am attractive and accomplished but very nervous when it comes to dealing with the fairer sex and I may have been a "nice guy" in the initial stages since at that point she was just a friend and nothing more to me.
pgam Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Don't ask a woman to go on a date. When you ask her on a date, you're asking her to be lead around like a kitten on a leash. Invite her to hang out with you. Be sure to have some others around. It takes the feeling of "being on a date" out of it. so many women are reluctant to go on dates because of the message she may be sending the guy. Too many guys get down right possessive after a date or two. A better approach (for the next time something like this happens) is to make your conversation a transition. Invite her to have a cup of coffee or something, straight out from the conversation you're having. Transition into going some place else. However, don't set a "date". When you simply hang out, a great deal of pressure is taken off. So often, dates turn into this bore-fest where the guy, who was so cool to talk with, turns into this mush of boredom. The problem is we guys want to impress the lady and we forget what impressed them to begin with. We go into talking about the mundane,"where are you from?" "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" When you are meeting, not dating, you are more "you". You are the person she became intrigued with in the beginning. Why? No pressure, no expectations. After a few times hanging out, if she's really into you, she'll let you know she wants some one on one time. Then you have to be ready to transition again. It's a different transition, but a transition all the same. See, when you want to kiss a woman, she already knows it. If you don't know how to make that transition, you spend eternity being awkward. Alas, I digress. That is another lesson of it's own.
Sand&Water Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 RE: The conversation alone says a ton of things about how she views you, Jimmy20013. The words she uses and the hesitation portray that she is in the process of digesting everything that has happened thus far between the two of you. She hasn't dictated your personality just by the small talk that has occurred over the last two weeks. One thing is for sure, she hasn't formed a clear image of you -whether be personality-wise, chemistry or emotionally. She doesn't know you well enough to decide for herself that you are a good catch. This flows into the next part: "I wouldn't mind hanging out as friends." She is protecting herself, here. She'd rather get to know you for who you are, and hang out as friends -and if you two don't click, she can just walk away -than to get attached to you at the hip on a date and have little space to flee the scene. She has shielded herself. The way you see it, it's a rejection, because you are a man -and that's how men understand things when a woman dumps them into the friend zone. But I wouldn't jump to conclusions, just yet. I don't think she rejected -she's just keeping her options open. Get to know her. Very well. Go with the flow. Then perhaps in time, you can ask her out again. Don't have any sort of talk with her. You will only appear weak, clingy, creepy, and maybe even "nice-guyish". Carry confidence. Moving on to other women and friends means that you are confident enough to explore all your options and have the time of your life. That's how I see the situation. Oh, one more thing, be yourself. Sand&Water
Author jimmy20013 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Don't have any sort of talk with her. You will only appear weak, clingy, creepy, and maybe even "nice-guyish". Carry confidence. Moving on to other women and friends means that you are confident enough to explore all your options and have the time of your life. Yeah, I thought about it and you make a valid point. I shall just call her and go out with her and try to have fun. I appreciate your insight on how women think.
Author jimmy20013 Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Ok, an update here. I did decide to "hang out" with her. I got her phone number and left a message telling her to give me a call so we can make plans. She is going up north on Monday and this weekend was not a good time for either of us since our finals are due Monday morning, she left a long message saying that maybe we can hangout on New Years if I want.
compassion42 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Unfortunately, this doesn't sound very promising. I think you might just need to move on-she doesn't seem interested.
sumdude Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Time to drop back and punt. Don't initiate any more contact, if you see her in passing just say hi and short small talk. If she's interested over time she'll let you know. Ball's in her court. If she really wants to hang out New Year's let her call you then you'll know if she's interested. Start looking elsewhere.
Author jimmy20013 Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Unfortunately, this doesn't sound very promising. I think you might just need to move on-she doesn't seem interested. Why do you say that?
compassion42 Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Because it sounds like she just wants to be friends. Also the wording that she used about hanging out on New Years"if you want" makes me think that it's not that important to her and also that it's weeks away. I may be wrong-just giving my opinion.
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