SadShamrock Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I think that the hardest part of my break up is the feeling that I took nothing from him or our entire relationship. He and I were friends for so long before, and four years ago, we finally jumped into a whirlwind and fell madly in love. We have been broken up for almost 2 months now. Each day is getting somewhat easier. However, each day, something like a song or even a commercial triggers a memory. I can't say that I'm over it, because sometimes I have to bite my lip and roll my eyes to push back the tears. Honestly, that's most times. It was such an ugly break up. He broke up with me. I did wrong. He did wrong. I have tried to be friends with him since. Some days he is kind to me, and we talk like friends should. Other days, he is angry and has nothing but snide comments and put downs. Other days, he just won't answer my calls because he is not in the mood to talk. I know he was hurt. He hurt me, too. I guess the point is that by trying to be his friend now, I'm letting the hurt continue for both of us. I do not think I am letting myself move on. He still has anger about things that happened. Maybe he will forever. So here I am. Lost my lover and my best friend. I feel our relationship resulted in nothing. At this point in my life, I feel like neither of us took anything good from our time together. If we did, how could there be so much hate, sadness, apathy, indifference, and anger if we once really cared or loved each other. I question if we ever did care or love for one another, and I think that is what strikes me as most painful. How do you get to where he and I are now? I know I will eventually heal. I know that eventually I won't cry daily about the death of us. I will stop mourning. It just is so painful to know that I am mourning the death of two people who are still living and breathing. None of this makes sense. I want closure and I want us to both move on and be happy. But I want something more than nothing with him, because I don't want to believe that love is so fruitless. Is that selfish?
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