Almost There "wishing upon a star"

[Concerned]

I had been dating my fiancee for 4 years, after we had met at the college we were both attending. I had a sense the whole time that we would be destined for marriage, but never cherished the thought. What I mean by that is, I never saw her as someone I would want to marry, but somehow from the start I knew I would and should, call it intuition. Now it's less than a week before the wedding and I am confused and concerned about our future together.

 

I never really had that in-love feeling with her in the beginning, and in fact our first date she was so reserved, I do not recall having that great of a time. I continued to date her more or less I think for lack of anything else to do. She went home for the summer after seeing me for a few months, we communicated by email and I figured by my dread of her return we would not continue to be an item any longer. The problem I had then and have always had with her is our ability to connect. I would like to connect with her on a spiritual level that transcends love (realistic thought isn't it) while she is happy to just spend time with me. I figured this would doom us as a couple. However, she returned a more vibrant open person, which I found out later that she had decided she had to let down her guard and be more into the relationship if it were to continue and she really did wanted to be with me after all. I was overwhelmed by this new opportunity to get to know her, so we stayed together to see where it would go.

 

I suffered from lack of stimulus from her as conversation continued to be "dull" in my opinion. I found myself watching TV to pass the time when we were together until I could be free to do what I really wanted to do. To make a long story short, it continued like that (2 years with some good times, and a lot of the previous) until 7 months ago when she broke it off with me. She had started seeing another guy a few weeks before she did it and stayed with him until she was able to break it off with me, apparently using him as a brace, never really interested in a relationship with him (BTW this is out of her character and surprised me).

 

I knew it was lack of companionship that was driving me mad in the following weeks, but life really sucked without her. So, after a month apart with no communication, we started talking and came back together, and knowing I did not want to go through life without her again, I proposed and the date was set. These last 6 months had been surprisingly good. I was not so concerned with the things that she lacked, nor was I absorbed in a lack of meaningful conversation. We talked, not about the endless universe, or fantasies about freezing a single moment in time as naturally I would like, but nevertheless she was there to hear my rants about my day and be comforting. I have always feared that I would not get that spiritual connection with her I have always dreamed of, and it plagues me out of the blue again now after I thought I had put that demon to rest, here it is less than a week from the fateful day.

 

I have been thinking back on how I did not want to talk about the wedding since I did not want to think about how close it was. I like seeing my friends, I like my single life outside of her, and I am worried that all of that will come to a screeching halt, and I will be forced to get ALL my joy in life from the various parts of our marriage. I love her, but think I have never been in love with her. She is a wonderful woman whom I am lucky to have in my life let alone be marrying, and I am not really wanting to cancel the wedding. I just want to find a way to spark my heart for her and find a connection that is worth dedicating a lifetime to, not about emotions but dedication and commitment.

 

I lived my life thinking love was all about tears, and joy, and warm fuzzies, and all to recently I am getting the true picture of love which is not about those things at all but about the example she is showing me, commitment. The fact I am writing about this makes me sick, and I despise that I feel concern at all. I always wanted to go to the altar knowing my future was bright because I was marrying the woman I love, but cold feet has turned this dream into a fantasy. The woman I had dreamed of standing there with me was perfect in every way, and I was determined to find that fantasy life, but it is just that a fantasy. I have been trying to adjust how I am looking at this whole thing. I have been trying to see things realistically, to put to rest these childish thoughts of a perfect relationship. But in the end, my thoughts always come back to a selfish drive I cannot kill, which is "what will I get out of this, how will this affect MY life." I have spent far to long wrapped up in selfish desires and I really want help getting past them. I know that will hurt this marriage if I can't.

 

I have searched the Internet for advice and talked to people about it, and from what I have read and heard I have come to the conclusion marriage is not so much who you marry, but why you marry and realistic expectations. I see it is about giving and cherishing. But for some reason I cannot get over this desire to have that fairytale ending with the lifetime of warm fuzzies, never a fight, and line of thought I dwelt on for 13 years of "when I get married it will be different for me, I will be so in love nothing else in life will matter" I can't get passed this concern for MY happiness.

 

My disillusions of love, sex, and what it is to commit to someone have clouded my judgment, and I no longer trust myself to find peace with this.

 

I guess I am more or less venting these thoughts that confuse me. I know I will not get the real answer I am looking for which is for just a single person to say "I've been through what you are going through and trust me, it all works out in the end, you must stay the course." I don't want to doom her to a life of my indecisiveness and catering to my selfishness, but rather I want to sack-up about this whole thing and see it work and douse these doubts and concerns. I pray to God this is all just cold feet, and am glad this is the last week of this as I am not sure how much more I can take of fondly looking to the future with this girl one moment, and dreading waking up the day after the wedding thinking my worst nightmares will come true the next. Anymore I am not even sure what worries me the most here, but I think it comes down not to her, or marrying her, but wrestling some very old demons that have controlled my thoughts far to long. I have gone on too long and by now I am certain I am looking like a nut to all of you. Thanks for reading this far.

 

Concerned

[Tony T]

Call your fiance and tell her the wedding's off. Then go get your invitation list and advise all that the wedding has been cancelled.

 

You are dead wrong for marrying a woman for whom you have little passion and little to talk about. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery...no, probably an early divorce.

 

Getting married is something you should have no serious doubts about. Sure, everybody gets nervous but your concerns go far beyond those. The woman you describe is NOT a woman that most men would want to marry. Oh, yes, she'd be very good for somebody and you should free her to find that person.

 

A loveless, flat marriage can be hell on earth. And don't expect it to get better later. It doesn't...never does. You wrote in your post, "I just want to find a way to spark my heart for her and find a connection that is worth dedicating a lifetime to, not about emotions but dedication and commitment." Those aren't the words of a man who is in love. That is NOT what a man writes who is going to be married in a week.

 

You have shut yourself off from life's core of beauty, from abundant love that is available, from passion and a lifetime conversation. You are going into a marriage fully knowing it's not the right thing to do.

 

Don't be embarassed to cancel this. It's far better that you piss a few people off and lose some money and deposits than it is to lose your life and soul to a flat existence you will regret all your days.

 

Never, ever settle for less that what you are passionately excited about....in life, in work, and in love.

 

Now, go get this thing cancelled. Poop on anybody who doesn't like it. It's your life, not there's. And go about the business of finding somebody who can be your life partner for whom you have the zest and fireworks necessary to take your future to the next level.

 

You current situation is pathetic and sad. You're a fool if you go through with this.

[cindy0039]

Whatever you decide to do, you should get yourself to some counseling to work on those "demons." Good luck!

[Tiffany]

What did you decide to do and how is it going?

 

-Tiffany

[km82794]

 

Although It makes me kind of gasp when I think of how your poor fiance is going to take the news, I fully agree with Tony.

 

When you're "in love", there are no doubts or questions. There's spark, theres passion, theres meaningul, deep conversations. It seems like you don't have any of those with her.

 

Sad to say, but I think you should cancel the wedding and let her find someone who is truly crazy for her. You also need to find someone who makes your heart soar!!!

 

Just from my own perspective, If I was your fiance I would rather you cancel the wedding, than find out a year later that you were never really "in love" and ask me for a divorce.

 

Take Care!

[Gray]

I've only been with my girlfriend for a year and a half (enough to know that she's my soul mate, which i never really believed in before), so i'm sure some of the married couples might speak more truth. But when we're together the sparks and tinglies are always there. They've never left us. We've never even fought, if you can believe that. I never get bored with her, and I know I could tell her whatever I'm thinking.

 

My girlfriend and I talk about the universe all the time. Whats beyond it and what made it. Why we're here and whats going to happen to us. And if she had a super power, it'd be to stop time so she could walk around and observe everyone in a frozen 3-d state.

 

I'm just saying its out there. And theres no reason you don't deserve it.