loveinlife Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 How does one deal with the friends zone if the dumper wants to be friends and the dumpee wants more. will there ever be a spark left to reignite the relationship?
carrotgirl Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 will there ever be a spark left to reignite the relationship? Maybe. Carrot
Author loveinlife Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 thanks carrot thats a cute answer haha. very true. this is what she told me after our break up. I want to be friends with you, start from the beginning, and take things slow. I want to be single right now so i can hang out with my friends and concentrate on school. I hope there a chance left on her behalf with me. =)
polywog Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Oh loveinlife.... That's a Danger Zone! I mean, I've stayed friends with exes, but not (successfully) until there was a lot of distance to give the dumpee (sometimes me, sometimes him) the chance to move on. Otherwise, the dumpee just holds out hope and wishes that the dumper would come to his senses while hanging out and being pals. Bad Idea. Tempting, of course, but not good for the soul. Plus the dumper has often emotionally detached before the break-up, so it's not as if they can be "won back". They've moved on (stupid jerks, don't know what they're giving up....). Thus, if they're the ones suggesting the "friends" thing, they have the tactical advantages of: 1) being detached already, 2) assuaging their guilt for breaking it off with you, 3) keeping you, who still wants them, as an option after all. None of this bodes well for the dumpee. So stay away, for now.
carrotgirl Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I want to be friends with you, start from the beginning, and take things slow. I want to be single right now so i can hang out with my friends and concentrate on school. There are times when this particular reason is both honest and valid. I don't believe there is a love so wonderful that it makes blowing the investment on university and blowing off friends acceptable, let alone desirable. Sure, it happens, but I think that's obsession and not love. And listen to her carefully, because what I'm reading isn't the kiss of death. Far from it in fact. She's saying she wants to take things slowly... with you in her life. It's not the type of thing people say to let someone down easily. It's got potential yet she's not leading you on either. In your shoes, I would shrug, say, Okay with as much cheer as possible and act like this doesn't bum you out a bit. Treat HER like she's just a pal for a while, a few months, until about April-May time and see what develops... All good things in time. It sounds like she has enough sense of self to spend her time where it counts - committing to her education first! This is very commendable. If the situation was reversed and you needed to pay attention to school, wouldn't you hope she would understand your decision? And if she really did, that would maybe mean something to you? Carrot
Author loveinlife Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks for looking out poly, i miss her. I really thought she was a good gf, but it was those memories that i wont forget. We had great sex, lots of holding hands, and kissing. sigh i just want to make it the same again..
polywog Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Thanks for looking out poly, i miss her. I really thought she was a good gf, but it was those memories that i wont forget. We had great sex, lots of holding hands, and kissing. sigh i just want to make it the same again.. Sigh... I hear ya, LIL. My best vibes streaming your way..... The great sex, the romance,... I've had that and lost it more than once. But after the grief of losing the partner, someone better comes along. Really. I think that it's the way of the universe, and if you keep reading threads on LS you will see proof. Not much comfort to you now, I know.... but trust.
randuff Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 How does one deal with the friends zone if the dumper wants to be friends and the dumpee wants more. will there ever be a spark left to reignite the relationship? Trust me on this because I am going through this at the moment. My fiance and I split up 4/27/07. Found out she cheated, forgave her and she still dumped me. She tells me the reasoning is that she has too many problems and doesn't really have a real answer to why... I took it as she just fell out of love with me. Point being, I still want more, she just wants to be friends. I am her best friend and she is mine. She can talk to me and share things with me that she can't with anyone else. She still loves me (very much) I know this but it isn't the same. And for the past 7 months I have been trying to be her friend wanting more all the while knowing she wanted nothing more than to be friends. You CANNOT do this if you have emotional feelings for the other person. It will do nothing more than cause you grief and heartache and pain. You really don't want to hear about who is in their life and what they are doing! You can't handle that! I have been putting myself through hell for the past 7 months and can't seem to get away. Do yourself a favor and don't start trying to be friends because it will suck you in and you will be miserable. As a matter of fact she came over last night and we talked about us... I told her about the counseling appointment I had on Tuesday and she asked if the counselor told me to stop talking to her. I said yes and I could tell that she didn't like that. She did however tell me that if she needed to leave me alone and not talk or text me anymore she would. she wouldn't like it but she wants what is best for me so tonight we are having dinner together for the last time (I hope) until I am completely over her or until she wants to try things again. Anyways I am rambling on now but I just want to tell you that the "friend" zone will not work if you still have feelings for her and it isn't reciprocated. Maybe you just try to act as if it isn't a big deal for now be her friend and if in a few months you see no changes then bail. Just my 2 cents.
Author loveinlife Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 There are times when this particular reason is both honest and valid. I don't believe there is a love so wonderful that it makes blowing the investment on university and blowing off friends acceptable, let alone desirable. Sure, it happens, but I think that's obsession and not love. And listen to her carefully, because what I'm reading isn't the kiss of death. Far from it in fact. She's saying she wants to take things slowly... with you in her life. It's not the type of thing people say to let someone down easily. It's got potential yet she's not leading you on either. In your shoes, I would shrug, say, Okay with as much cheer as possible and act like this doesn't bum you out a bit. Treat HER like she's just a pal for a while, a few months, until about April-May time and see what develops... All good things in time. It sounds like she has enough sense of self to spend her time where it counts - committing to her education first! This is very commendable. If the situation was reversed and you needed to pay attention to school, wouldn't you hope she would understand your decision? And if she really did, that would maybe mean something to you? Carrot i totally agree with you. from the start of our relationship i told her school is very important, don't fall for me and watch everything else tumble. She said it was okay, so i gave her the undivided attention of mine, which lead to more clingyness from me, and i showed all the lovie duvie stuff. I know bad thing to do if a person is already so busy with her life, but i thought she was okay with it. I never stopped her from hanging out with her friends, was always supportive. Even with the break up i told her that it was okay, whichever works out the best for you. thanks for caring carrot =) i appreciate how you leave me the feedbacks and come back to check to see how im doing. much love Sigh... I hear ya, LIL. My best vibes streaming your way..... The great sex, the romance,... I've had that and lost it more than once. But after the grief of losing the partner, someone better comes along. Really. I think that it's the way of the universe, and if you keep reading threads on LS you will see proof. Not much comfort to you now, I know.... but trust. Cool poly, yep i was grieving over the sex thing for about 2 weeks already.. now that its sorta coming to an end. My mind is floating with thoughts of what we used to do and how much happiness i was in with her while she was still lying on my couch sleeping while im watching tv and looking at her sleep so much like a baby... =*( everything, so many thoughts so little time has passed, i really loved them. oh how i am going to miss those moments that i cherished. sigh, feels good to vent this out right now haha Yeah this girl was better than my ex, she treated me really well, i loved it. Like you said and the proof that is shown on LS that maybe there is a better fish in the sea. I remember i spoke to my cousin a long time ago after i was again the dumpee from my other ex. he said its sad that people don't be with one because no relationship is perfect and people always think that there is a better fish in the sea. good luck to you bro, how is your situation going? =) Trust me on this because I am going through this at the moment. My fiance and I split up 4/27/07. Found out she cheated, forgave her and she still dumped me. She tells me the reasoning is that she has too many problems and doesn't really have a real answer to why... I took it as she just fell out of love with me. Point being, I still want more, she just wants to be friends. I am her best friend and she is mine. She can talk to me and share things with me that she can't with anyone else. She still loves me (very much) I know this but it isn't the same. And for the past 7 months I have been trying to be her friend wanting more all the while knowing she wanted nothing more than to be friends. You CANNOT do this if you have emotional feelings for the other person. It will do nothing more than cause you grief and heartache and pain. You really don't want to hear about who is in their life and what they are doing! You can't handle that! I have been putting myself through hell for the past 7 months and can't seem to get away. Do yourself a favor and don't start trying to be friends because it will suck you in and you will be miserable. As a matter of fact she came over last night and we talked about us... I told her about the counseling appointment I had on Tuesday and she asked if the counselor told me to stop talking to her. I said yes and I could tell that she didn't like that. She did however tell me that if she needed to leave me alone and not talk or text me anymore she would. she wouldn't like it but she wants what is best for me so tonight we are having dinner together for the last time (I hope) until I am completely over her or until she wants to try things again. Anyways I am rambling on now but I just want to tell you that the "friend" zone will not work if you still have feelings for her and it isn't reciprocated. Maybe you just try to act as if it isn't a big deal for now be her friend and if in a few months you see no changes then bail. Just my 2 cents. Sounds like a lot of things going on for you. i understand, i did the friends with an ex thing before, it didn't do much good except to make me feel that the ex is the only and most beautiful girl in the world. I am happy that i became more confident and i guess some how i broke free from my ex and met this new girl who just affected my heart. I will try my best to not get hurt.. i will try to stay away for awhile, she has her own life, so do i. wish me luck. thanks =)
Ashbash11 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 If you are the dumpee, 3 words for you: DON'T DO IT! You will regret it later, when the friendship turns horribly ugly and crumbles away.
oppath Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 How does one deal with the friends zone if the dumper wants to be friends and the dumpee wants more. will there ever be a spark left to reignite the relationship? Maybe, but you are powerless over it. Rather than viewing it as a flame that must remain lit, view it that if you are right for each other, you can walk away and the flame will die, but if it is right, the flint will always be there. this is what she told me after our break up. I want to be friends with you, start from the beginning, and take things slow. I want to be single right now so i can hang out with my friends and concentrate on school. I hope there a chance left on her behalf with me. =) I'd say there is a better chance that she is trying to spare your feelings by not outright saying "my feelings for you have changed and I don't feel we are right together to make this relationship continue." Sure, it's possible by going slow and being friends everything will work out hollywood. But it's also possible she's over it and does not want to hurt your feelings, so she gives you what you feel are mixed messages. Because honestly, you can balance school, friends, and a relationship if you truly want the other person. You can certainly see your bf 2 times a week.
confusedneighbor Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 sorry to threadjack.. created my own
carrotgirl Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Because honestly, you can balance school, friends, and a relationship if you truly want the other person. You can certainly see your bf 2 times a week. oppath, your sweeping statement means only that you think YOU could manage all that. And I'm sure you meant to add that's while staying off the hooch and the smack, while not getting knocked up, while being a wonderful, adoring lover, fabulous friend, taking part in at least one sport, playing the flute and of course making the dean's list, right...? Come on. Can we please stop pushing this kind of if he/she loved you enough then he/she would overcome any obstacle to be with you mindset? It's weak. Very weak. Carrot
AriaIncognito Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 And I'm sure you meant to add that's while staying off the hooch and the smack, while not getting knocked up, while being a wonderful, adoring lover, fabulous friend, taking part in at least one sport, playing the flute and of course making the dean's list, right...? The only thing on that list that I didn't do in college, was take up a sport - but i was in the theatre so that could count. Honestly, it IS possible for people to make time for those they love, if they want to. I have to agree with oppath. As for the original thread... Being friends is typically dangerous when you want more and they dont. Basically the friendship is a double edged sword for you. On one hand, you are getting the contact you crave, on the other, you're not getting the kind you want in particular. And in being open to being whatever it is they want at the time, you are making yourself out to be very available to their wants and needs. You might want to spin it around, be available to your own wants and needs in life (outside of this relationship) and see how the ex responds. If they pursue you, then maybe they truly want something like you want. If they don't, you'll be too busy living life to notice the difference...
Yamaha Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I want to be single right now What do you think she means by this statement? She is going to college and doesn't want to be tied down with a guy when there will be so many others to date. The best way to act in these situations is the same way your ex is; she wants to be single so you should behave the same way and you'll probably find someone more worthy of your affection.
oppath Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 oppath, your sweeping statement means only that you think YOU could manage all that. And I'm sure you meant to add that's while staying off the hooch and the smack, while not getting knocked up, while being a wonderful, adoring lover, fabulous friend, taking part in at least one sport, playing the flute and of course making the dean's list, right...? Come on. Can we please stop pushing this kind of if he/she loved you enough then he/she would overcome any obstacle to be with you mindset? It's weak. Very weak. Carrot What's weak, in my opinion, is ending a relationship just because you are stressed and don't have much time. It's easy to say "these other things are important to me. I want us to continue our relationship but I won't have time to see you 5 times a week. Is there a level where we can compromise and still have your needs met?" I'm not making a sweeping generalization, I'm only saying that I think there is a better chance that she is just trying to spare his feelings by not telling him "I don't love you and realize I never will." It is possible for something to happen in the future, certainly, but "going slow, being friends for now" is often said because the dumper does not know how to fully let go and feels guilt over hurting someone. Regardless, as long as he wants more, he should distance himself. Why accept less than what you want? I'm not saying No Contact, it's not for everybody, nor am I advocating burning a bridge. I'm saying he has no control here and I think he is in for a world of pain if he hangs out with her in hopes it will bring her back.
Star Gazer Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 What's weak, in my opinion, is ending a relationship just because you are stressed and don't have much time. It's easy to say "these other things are important to me. I want us to continue our relationship but I won't have time to see you 5 times a week. Is there a level where we can compromise and still have your needs met?" I agree with this completely. If there's real feelings there, you find a way to make it work, including through finding compromise.
carrotgirl Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Honestly, it IS possible for people to make time for those they love, if they want to. I have to agree with oppath. You and oppath have opinions that you think would work for the two of you. So that's good for you and other people who like to think that love is worth any price and if you care enough you can and should do it all. And contrarily, that if you aren't doing it all, then obviously you don't care enough. That sort of attitude gets old pretty fast don't you think? Carrot
oppath Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 More importantly, I want a woman who could manage all that. I deserve a woman who can manage all those things and include me. My ex dumped me and gave me the "I need to be single; I'm hardly going to have time for myself let alone another person." And it was true, she booked her schedule FULL. However, that didn't mean she couldn't reserve friday or saturday night for me, and I wouldn't have been opposed to her friends being invited along too, and that we couldn't have one night during the week where we'd arrive late to each others houses and just sleep in the same bed. I deserve someone who could make those compromises. Of course, I wanted a relationship with MORE than that, but rather than end the relationship, if real feelings were there, the ones she claimed to have while ending it, she could have just explained "these things are important to me; I don't have much time; is there a compromise that we can both work with?" I knew all american cross country runners getting degrees in engineering who had plenty of time for relationships with girls outside of the track team, and they were traveling every weekend. I'd suggest being friendly with this girl, but taking some time off from being friends. No contact is not best for everyone, and I think is sometimes bad in a college environment. However, do not hang out as JUST friends when you want more. If you resolve that you do not want the person, that you don't feel desire for them romantically, renew the friendship.
Star Gazer Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 You and oppath have opinions that you think would work for the two of you. So that's good for you and other people who like to think that love is worth any price and if you care enough you can and should do it all. And contrarily, that if you aren't doing it all, then obviously you don't care enough. That sort of attitude gets old pretty fast don't you think? Carrot You're making an either-or generalization that neither oppath or aria were suggesting. No one says you have to pay "any price" or that you have to "do it all" for love. The point is simply that if you love someone, if you want to be with them at all, you will find a way to make compromises and changes to make that happen. If you want to see someone, you find time. It really is that simple of a concept.
oppath Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 You're making an either-or generalization that neither oppath or aria were suggesting. No one says you have to pay "any price" or that you have to "do it all" for love. The point is simply that if you love someone, if you want to be with them at all, you will find a way to make compromises and changes to make that happen. If you want to see someone, you find time. It really is that simple of a concept. I'm not suggesting that you see that person every night of the week or give up something big. Would I want to only see my gf on Friday nights? No, I'd want more, but if she truly loved me and thought there might be a future, and was genuinely swamped by everything else, I'd like to think she'd ask "can you be satisfied with this arrangement, what compromises can we make" before ending the relationship. Basically, I'm saying that if real feelings are there, she should include me in a discussion about the relationship first, before breaking up with me unilaterally. If we discuss it and it really appears that her stress and unavailability would be too difficult or unsatisfactory for me, then we could mutually end the relationship. I would not end a relationship without first explaining "this is my life right now. I don't have much time for you, that is a reality. This is the time I think I can manage for you. Is that acceptable for you?" that is not paying any price to make the relationship work. It's not that hard for my gf to show up at 11 pm just to spend the night with me. If that's all we can manage during the week, I'd like the option.
carrotgirl Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I'm not making a sweeping generalization, I'm only saying that I think there is a better chance that she is just trying to spare his feelings by not telling him "I don't love you and realize I never will." It is possible for something to happen in the future, certainly, but "going slow, being friends for now" is often said because the dumper does not know how to fully let go and feels guilt over hurting someone. That's right. It's often said for this reason, not always said for this reason. We all speak from our own experience. Forgive me but it is very weak to present opinions as if they are rules for living that should apply to everyone. When it was me in this situation GD told me flat out he didn't love me. Why? Partly because he felt pain and guilt from not being able to do it all, be it all. He thought it would be sparing me being cruel to be kind. He did what so many people wish their exes would do. So what? How did that change his feelings for me? Evidently, it didn't. He still cares for me, still is attracted to me, still wants to spend time together, still wants to explore and grow together. He cut out the portions of the relationship that he Could Not Manage at the time. There isn't enough love, beauty or money to make someone be with you if he doesn't want to be with you. Why not just accept that when your ex or your prospective partner is with you, it's by choice. loveinlife, take what you need and leave what you don't.... here on the boards and in your relationships too. And for what it's worth. The only person that's really very important in any of this is you. Do what is the best thing for you and will leave you without regret. Carrot
Crestfallen_KH Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Yep, I completely agree with oppath. If someone really wants to be with you, they will find a way to work you into their life. The "I just want to be single and concentrate on school" is a nice way to let you go to alleviate that person's guilt. Frankly, if someone wants to be with you, there isn't anything that is going to get in his/her way.
Author loveinlife Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 Thanks for everyone's opinion, i see both sides of the arguement. I really hope maybe one day we can get back together and not understanding the situation right now can cause some emotional weakness. Im trying to give her space as this is what she wants, something i don't have control of. I need to respect what she meant. I also agree that if she did really love me she would want to work something out. I remember her saying that very morning, when she woke up, she felt no chemistry. sigh I want to get her back, but its going to be up to her if she really wants to give it another try..
Author loveinlife Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 loveinlife, take what you need and leave what you don't.... here on the boards and in your relationships too. And for what it's worth. The only person that's really very important in any of this is you. Do what is the best thing for you and will leave you without regret. Carrot Thanks, i want to just go to her house and just keep things the same.. go over there and sleep with her on the same bed. Thats what i want..
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