stepheine Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hello, I am a new member. I was dating this man who was 35 for 5 months, things seemed to be going very well for the most part. He and I spent most weekends together, he introduced me to his mother and friends, told me he loved me, and that he was trying to build a good relationship with me. There were things I questioned along the way like why was such a great man single and 35 I thought a lot of women would have caught him by now. I am 28 by the way. He seemed so considerate and caring all of the time but in the back ground I did feel he was taking his time with things, but I did feel he cared about me. He never complained about little things I did like past boyfriends had and he said he loved me for me. To me I thought he may be the one because with him everything felt right and I thought it was mutual. He is a fairly successful man with what seemed like a good head on his shoulders which I respected. Well, last Tuesday he got laid off of his job that he had been at for 8 years. At first he seemed ok because he said he got 8 months severance pay but by Friday he was a completely different man. He asked me for some space to figure things out and told me that he did love me. I told him I was leaving for the weekend so he could have space and that I would be back. He seemed concerned but by Sat. His demeanor toward me was even worse and he had never been so mean to me. He said he didn't want to talk about Xmas because he lost his job and had no money and that he had a lot on his mind. Sun. I tried to call him but his cell phone was off all day and his home phone he never answered. I was hurt and very concerned at this point. So mon. I called him from work and told him I was hurt and I was trying to understand him but that he would get another job and that he had 8 months to find one. He said he had no time for a relationship right now because of everything else he was dealing with. He said he has to refinance his house, trade in his cars for one new car, and get some house repairs done. He said he did not know where he wanted his life to go from here and that this was a big deal. I told him I wanted to be there for him and he said he didn't want me to. It hurt pretty bad and I was shocked!! I made the mistake of going over to his house mon. night cause I wanted to see him one last time. Big no no. He yelled at me for coming over and told me I was pushing him away. I told him he had already ended things with me and that I was worried about him. He made some comment about me checking up on him. He told me I was forcing him to end things with me b/c it was the only way he could get space he needed. He took his key from me. I tried to talk to him but he did not want to talk to me, he said there will be a time to talk but not now. Finally he calmed down a little bit and he hugged me then tears started to pour down his face and it broke my heart!! I knew there was something terribly wrong but I am trying to understand!! It was hard to walk away from someone I cared about when they are having a rough time b/c I was always taught to stick by the ones I love during these times. But he wanted me to go and he left me no choice. He even said "If you care about me at all you will just go" He did tell me that he loved me and that it hurt him that I was there. He told me he knows how to reach me and when he is ready and has things taken care of he will. Why can't I go through this with him and why is he acting this way?? Is he seeing someone else and doesn't have the guts to tell me, it would be easier if I knew he just wasn't interested anymore. Does anyone have any insight for me please!!!! Even does he like me as a friend, I feel like I must have done something wrong with the way he is treating me. I am so shocked in disbelief.
Author stepheine Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 I know this thread is long but can someone please read it and give me their opinion on the matter.
kymberann Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Sounds like there is more to the story than he is letting you to know. Could be he sees it as protecting you, when it is only making it worse and confusing for you. My ex did something along the same lines. Told me he didn't want to get me involved in his affairs with his ex wife. SO my ex would rather give up one good thing and stay stuck with his problems. THat is one reason he didn't want to take our relationship to the next level after 8 months of dating! I think men tend to think of themselves as failing or not strong enough when these issues come up. When they are vulnerable they would rather heal their wounds on their own than admit they need help and support. I could be wrong, but men tend to revert and isolate when crises happen that has anything to do with their "manness". I don't mean to sound sexist but it is. I would give him the time he needs. I know that does not help, but it will push him away if he is dealing with his stuff. Anyone in certain crises tend to exacerbate or make the issues seem a lot worse then what they are at the time it happens. Meaning, he could be blowing things too out of porportion. Let him do what he needs to and see what he does. He said he knows how to get back with you. When he is ready he will I hope this helps! Best, Kim
norajane Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 He's freaking out b/c he lost his job and his whole lifestyle has to change. Clearly, he hasn't been saving, etc., since he has to sell his cars and all, and he probably feels like a failure, powerless, unsexy, and depressed...and he sure doesn't want any woman around to see his demise!! Basically, he has had the rug pulled out from under him and has nothing to give to you while he gets his life back on track, nor does he want you to see him that way.
underpants Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 That sucks. I agree with NJ on all her points. Some people just flake when one thing goes wrong. That is not a good trait. You could call him on it and maybe reassure him that you love him regardless of bad things that might happen, and that you would want the same. It is not fair to you or to any love that was created to just toss it aside when some obstacle shows up. The best relationships bask in the good times as well as get through the hard times...together. Right? Although, if this is his pattern then it might have been a dormant flag. He just might not be able to handle it when wrenches are thrown.
Author stepheine Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 I want to thank everyone who replied to this. It makes me feel a lot better b/c I was feeling like I had done something in this entire situation that he wasn't wanting to tell me. Do you think if he wasn't interested in me he would just tell me he wasn't interested in me? I was thinking of sending him a card with a letter in it b/c I never got the chance to tell him how I feel about how he handled things. I never got any real closure and that really makes it difficult to move on. All these questions run through my head.... I keep wondering if I will ever hear from him again. Thanks everyone!!!!
cant let go Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 As a warning, even sending that letter probably wont give you the closure that you anticipate. When I went seeking closure from my ex (who also seemed to just switch off into crazy overnight), all I really got from him was mean words that seemed to be meant to kill any hope I had of reconciliation. My ex also cried when he broke it off. I still don't understand that. It wasn't even just a few shed tears; He cried the night he broke up with me and the next morning he was still crying. He even went into work crying and people saw this. My ex was not the crying type either. In fact he is the stereotypical stubborn guy that always needs to look strong and smart in front of everyone. The next day when he packed up his things and left, he cried even more. I'll never know what he was really feeling because I can never truly believe the reasons that he gave me for our breakup. He wont say that he still loves me. He wont even really admit that he was in love with me probably for fear of leading me on any more. He's also not said that he didn't. I've stopped trying to understand because he only got angry with me the more I told him how I felt. He feels his reasons are justified even if I don't think they are based on any truth. He moved on to someone else within a day of breaking it off and part of me thinks it was just so he could prove that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Whether he was only try to prove it to me or also to himself, I don't know. My reason for re-stating my story is just to let you know that sometimes what the dumper does just doesn't make sense to anyone but himself or herself. Although I find the men are more likely to break up for "logical" reasons and are less likely to act on their emotions. For me, love is my logic. I do everything from my heart. My ex said to me "Sometimes you just need to be smart about things." Searching for closure may seem to help you temporarily but in the end you will never be satisfied with any explanation he can give you. It just hurts like hell and there is no guarantee that he will ever come to his senses. I thought that pushing for more reasons from my ex would help him see the senselessness in the reasons he had given me but it only convinced him even more that his reasons were enough. It also angered him that I couldn't just accept things as he laid them out. By questioning his decision, I was disrespectful to him. Like I said, sometimes the "logical" mindset makes no sense to anyone but he who created it.
norajane Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I was thinking of sending him a card with a letter in it b/c I never got the chance to tell him how I feel about how he handled things. I never got any real closure and that really makes it difficult to move on. All these questions run through my head.... I keep wondering if I will ever hear from him again. If you actually do want to hear from him again, your odds are much better if you do not send any cards or letters or try to contact him. He has been clear with you: He asked me for some space to figure things out and told me that he did love me. He said he didn't want to talk about Xmas because he lost his job and had no money and that he had a lot on his mind. He said he had no time for a relationship right now because of everything else he was dealing with. He said he did not know where he wanted his life to go from here and that this was a big deal. He yelled at me for coming over and told me I was pushing him away. He told me I was forcing him to end things with me b/c it was the only way he could get space he needed. he said there will be a time to talk but not now. He did tell me that he loved me and that it hurt him that I was there. He told me he knows how to reach me and when he is ready and has things taken care of he will. You were together 5 months and that's not long enough for him to be able to turn to you to lean on during this time. Sometimes even 5 years isn't enough for a guy to want to lean on his woman...their pride does not allow it! Men rest their very identities on their jobs and he's suddenly lost his. As he said, it's a big deal. He may get in touch when he gets his life back on track, but not if you keep contacting him. You saw how he reacted when you went over there after he told you he needed space! Give him the space he asked for.
LakesideDream Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I have known a couple of good guys, stable family men who went to pieces when they lost long term employment. In those cases their business success was a large part of their personality. Both men had never had major setbacks at work before, they were bright and successfull enough to have written their own scripts. This guy may be the same, and he may snap out of it quickly if he finds employment in his field. Stability is his linchpin. It sounds like his life starts with his job and flows from there. Bery common in the 1950's more unusual now. He'll remember you.. not to worry. When he begins to feel good about himself, my bet is that you will notice him hanging around waiting to see your reaction.
Author stepheine Posted December 9, 2007 Author Posted December 9, 2007 Thank You everyone. I have not contacted him since he got angry but it is so difficult not to speak with him. Thank you all for the support!! So you truly believe that this is all about his job and nothing about me? Do men usually give excuses to break up with women? You think I should believe him when he says it is all about his job? My mother who is very cruel says I am stupid to even believe this has anything to do with his job and if he really cared for me things would not be this way. That this definetly is his way of saying he is not interested in me. And that anyone who tells me other wise is just lying. I just want the cold hard truth!! Is it that he just doesn't care for me and I don't want to be the "stupid girl" I rather take the truth and get over it. Thanks everyone!!!!!
countingufosagain Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Wow, this sounds like you were dating me! I had the same exact thing happen to me and I too wanted my girlfriend to go away. Men typically equate their self-worth by the job they have or the money they make. the uncertainty of of what was going to happen next was enough make me go nuts. I wanted to go and hide in my cave to figure things out. losing a long time job takes more than your ability to make money, but the thought of having to start over is just overwhelming. The feelings I had was that I was not valued within my company and that hits the ego hard. We do not like to talk about our problems with the woman in our life. We do not want to hear that everything is going to be ok. Once the shock of the matter was finally absorbed, I called and asked her to go to dinner. She knew not to ask of what my plans were but to just sit and listen to what I had to say. Her just listening and giving no opinions unless asked made me want to be with her more. I think right now that he doesn't feel worthy of anything right now and though we don't necessarily show it, you are the most important thing in our life. He needs you right now to show him his value, but only after we reach out to you.
norajane Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Thank You everyone. I have not contacted him since he got angry but it is so difficult not to speak with him. Thank you all for the support!! So you truly believe that this is all about his job and nothing about me? Do men usually give excuses to break up with women? You think I should believe him when he says it is all about his job? My mother who is very cruel says I am stupid to even believe this has anything to do with his job and if he really cared for me things would not be this way. That this definetly is his way of saying he is not interested in me. And that anyone who tells me other wise is just lying. I just want the cold hard truth!! Is it that he just doesn't care for me and I don't want to be the "stupid girl" I rather take the truth and get over it. Thanks everyone!!!!! I don't know how many more ways to say it: it's about his losing his job and feeling like a failure. It has nothing to do with you. Leave him alone until he's ready to contact you. Geez, the man CRIED in front of you! Do you know how crappy he must feel, not only for losing his job, but now also for being seen CRYING in front of his woman?
child_of_isis Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 What do you know of his past? Maybe he has some past issues (or crisis) that are resurfacing due to the job crisis? I am asking because his reaction seems a bit extreme. He is young, no family to support, 8 months severence pay....in all likelihood, he has very good job probabilities...it's just not clicking....something is off. Not so much his shutdown, but the way that he is pushing you away. This sounds like a man who has suffered through more than one major crisis and it is catching up to him. The proverbial straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.Thank You everyone. I have not contacted him since he got angry but it is so difficult not to speak with him. Thank you all for the support!! So you truly believe that this is all about his job and nothing about me? Do men usually give excuses to break up with women? You think I should believe him when he says it is all about his job? My mother who is very cruel says I am stupid to even believe this has anything to do with his job and if he really cared for me things would not be this way. That this definetly is his way of saying he is not interested in me. And that anyone who tells me other wise is just lying. I just want the cold hard truth!! Is it that he just doesn't care for me and I don't want to be the "stupid girl" I rather take the truth and get over it. Thanks everyone!!!!!
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