i bow my head in shame

[lovesparis]

after my bf broke up with me about 4 months ago, i vowed to myself to go NC with my friend that got in the way of the relationship.

 

i have grown so much since we broke up, and though i hate being w/o him, i know it was a good thing that we broke up (now, can we get back together?)

 

anyway, i broke NC with my friend. well, he broke NC and i went along with it. i had a purpose in agreeing to it, but things are back to normal with him. i feel so stupid and selfish.

 

i know i'll never get my ex back as long as this guy is in my life... i know our friendship is unhealthy. but it's so much easier.

 

i feel so stupid.

[polywog]

Explain exactly why you feel stupid, if you don't mind. To me it sounds as if you are being too hard on yourself.

[norajane]

Did your bf break up with you because of this friend of yours? If so, why? Are you too close and your bf was uncertain whether you were cheating? Or is he a bad influence...someone you 'party' with and go too far in terms of alcohol/drugs? Or was your friend trying to break the two of you up b/c he wanted all your time?

[lovesparis]

nora,

yes he broke up w/ me b/c of my friend. or rather my unwillingness to admit that there was anything wrong with our friendship.

we had been friends for about 3 yrs. he's married. one of those "stay tog for the kids" situations; i'd never met his W. i had gone through a lot of really difficult times and he was always there to support me, guide me, entertain me, you name it. he was able and willing to help me though that time in ways my other friends didn't know how to/couldn't/wouldn't.

when i met my ex, i knew he was someone special. and i cut down the amount of time i spent with my friend, how often we spoke on the phone, etc. we did have some things planned, and tickets bought for things, that were planned before i met ex, but he thought i should give them up. he felt that our friendship was unhealthy b/c i was "the other woman" and that he was having and EA with me, etc etc. we NEVER crossed that line. he was a best friend, a father figure, a sugar daddy. he kissed my forehead, the way a father would his daugher.

i admitted that our friendship was unconventional, but not unhealthy. after we broke up, i did a lot of thinking, crying, and hurting. i wanted to get him back & vowed to do whatever it took. and if that meant giving my friend up, so be it. i had a talk with him and told him that i wanted my R with bf, and that meant we couldn't be in contact anymore. that i was sorry it had to be that way, that i wished, and tried, to have it both ways, it wouldn't work out, and i wanted my bf. my friend was very upset about this, naturally, and told me i shouldn't let my bf choose my friends (which is how i felt about it to a great degree) but i told him that if nothing else, i needed time away from him and to figure out why i couldn't have both. so we parted ways. and my bf didn't come back.

while i was doing all that thinking, a big realization came to me. and that was while i was going through the most difficult 3 years, i shut down, i went into survival mode, i ceased growing and developing as a person. i simply existed. and my friend made it easy for me to do. he provided me with anything i wanted or needed, or anything that he percieved i wanted or needed. he distracted me, entertained me, fixed my problems, whatever it took. and by him doing that, it made it easier for me to stay stagnant and undeveloping. and i also realized that my friend wanted me to stay that way, and stay dependant on him, b/c he relishes being needed. and that is why our friendship is in fact, unhealthy.

 

i think that my bf realized my lack of growth and development, but couldn't put his finger on it. he knew that my friend was the source of the unhealthyness, but saw it on a more superficial level; as an affair. and since i was unwilling to admit that it was unhealthy (which would mean that i was wrong and would have to actually work on myself) he gave up. i can't say i blame him, but i do wish he would have paid more attn to the circumstances instead of the superficial.

 

polywog,

as to why i feel stupid, i love my ex with all my heart. my soul aches for him. i miss him everyday, i still cry about him on an almost daily basis.

knowing how i feel about him, knowing what i've started to see with my friend and how unhealthy he is for me... i still break NC with him, and we're actively friendly again, like no time had passed. and i hate it. and i hate myself for being so weak and going back to a situation that isn't a)what i want, and b)isn't healthy for me. and yet, i agreed to break no contact as a way to fix a problem that i had, in a way that was financially significantly better for me... i didn't set proper boundaries with him, and now i'm right back to where i was, and i don't want to be there, but i don't feel that i can end the friendship again and still solve my problem.

 

if my ex is really as important to me as i say he is, wouldn't i be able to withstand the pressure of my "friend"?

 

::tears::

[norajane]

It's easy to lean on someone who wants to take care of you. You have to be strong enough to stand on your own before you can really be with a man as an equal partner.

 

You've already lost one bf to this married man, who will never really be YOURS in an honest and full sense. How many more bf's and wonderful men are you going to pass up in favor of staying mired in deep with a married man?

[lovesparis]

but it's not about him being married.

 

i don't (and never have) want to date him, have a relationship with him, or consider myself in love with him.

 

he's a friend.

 

How many more bf's and wonderful men are you going to pass up in favor of staying mired in deep with a married man?

 

which is not what i want to do. absolutely not. i want to stand on my own and be a damn independent liberal woman, like i used to be before the fit hit the proverbial shan. which is why i'm disgusted with myself, and why i posted about this in the first place.

 

i love my ex, and i want to be with him, but i know i have so much more work to do before i can make it back there. but for all teh work i've done on myself the past 4months, i stumbled and fell back down the slippery slope of self-improvement... not all the way, i haven't lost everything i've been working on. i also know that trying to change too many things at once will only overwhelm me and cause me to fail. identification of the problem is easy, implementation is the hardest part of changing.

 

it's like LIST OF CHANGES TO MAKE:

*eat better

*get more sleep

*exercise

*stop seeing friend

*drink more water

*clean house more regularly

*work on your prioritization skills

*re-tile your bathroom

*keep up on day-to-day tasks

*plan your garage sale

*decide who are, who you want ot be and what you have to do to get there

*a

*b

*c

all of those can be implemented, but if you try to implement them all at the same time... you're (i'm) asking for failure. well, step 1. eat better. and once you eat better on a regular basis and it's part of your lifestyle, then added step 2, is only adding 1 thing, b/c step 1 in already in your day.

 

i failed on adding a step. and i am mad at myself for it, i feel like a failure, not just that i failed a task. i feel like i failed myself. i feel like i failed my ex. b/c lets say he did take me back, and we were dating again and everything was great. if i started talking to my friend again, it would end the R all over.

 

 

omg.... is this post as all over the place as i think it is? i'm sorry if i've tangented to the point that i'm impossible to follow. if you've managed to read this far, i thank you. i should go to bed now before i stop making sense at all.

[Trialbyfire]

lovesparis, your "friend" has created a dependency. He's not your friend. This is exactly how many affairs start.

[lovesparis]

i know he's not good for me. i def see that since we broke NC. that's why i'm here. and it's why i'm angry at myself.