Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hello, My fiance who cheated on me about 3 months ago says he wants nothing to do with me and says he never loved me and never wanted to marry me. Now he says he loves this other woman and he wants me to leave him alone. I am doing that...but I don't understand how he can be okay with what he has done. How can he be happy with her? There were no signs that he wasn't happy with me and he was always always telling me how much he loved me and that he couldn't wait to be my husband then he cheated and everything changed. He was mean, nasty and just cruel. Was his love never real? I just can't understand how he is the one who threw us away and he is the one who gets to be happy while I am here picking up the pieces. Is he just trying to fill a void? Is he mean on purpose to make himself feel better? Was I blind? I just can't process any of this. It's like a slap in the face that he is starting a new life in a new state with a new woman and I am stuck here to try and make the best of my life after he just ran over it.
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I am so sorry you are going through this, I know it hurts like H---....sometimes I wonder if anyone is IN LOVE or are they just attracted to you and when they find another, they are IN LOVE with them until the next. Love is not a feeling baby, it is a choice. Just sit back and wait, it will not last and you will get a guilt call in a few months. Let him try to sleep at night when it all sinks in and see who is confused and crying then Keep your head up, been there done that !
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I just don't understand. We were together for 7 years!!! We were getting married in Oct 08 and now he is just so awful to me. He has wripped my heart out. A week ago he text messaged me...'here's some closure I am going to be a dad' so he got her pregnant!!! I just don't get it. How can he run away from me. He went out there to work and to pay for our wedding...now he found someone to love him and treat him how he always wanted to be treated and I am mean. Why would he stay with me for 7 years if I was mean? I just don't get it. I am stuck in our old life and he is in a new place with nothing to remind him of me. I used to live with his parent's before I moved in to my own place last month...he just left me there to pick everything up and never talked to me on the phone or in person...all was done via text and email. How is that even normal. What happened to the man I knew? If he comes back or tries to...I hope I am strong enough to tell him to go f*** himself.
jj2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 A week ago he text messaged me...'here's some closure I am going to be a dad' OMG WHAT A PRICK! If he comes back or tries to...I hope I am strong enough to tell him to go f*** himself. I am so so sorry for what you are going through! I am a BS and I feel your pain. Please, please, please DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO TAKE THIS SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MAN BACK!!! I know it hurts but over time it will hurt less and you will find someone who deserves you! Be glad you didn't marry him! Hold your head high! You can do much better!
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I know how you feel baby.....I have been with my H 13 years and we just got married last year.....shortly after he was acting strange and I accused him of having an affair and ever since he has been mean as you know what, wanted to leave me all the sudden for 5 months and treated me like crap.....blamed me for being crazy and said I was MEAN and hated him ! So, you see what is love, not that for sure. It is all about WHO makes them feel better at the MOMENT. True love cannot be turned on and off like a light switch, if so we would all be single and the divorce rate would be 100 times worse than it is now. This is a man that worshiped me for 11 years and it took just 3 months to change that and he claims to this day, nothing happened !
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I really hope I can get past this I really do. I come from a broken home and never had a relationship with my father. He knew that and he promised me he would never hurt me like that. He always was so mad at my dad for what he was doing. He was my support system. My everything...now he left me with nothing. It's like...LATER. I think it might be easier since he is now 1,000 of miles away but it kills me. I just don't understand how he is the one who gets to be happy. I am SOOO glad I found this site!
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Look at it this way, he did YOU a favor.....think about if you had married him like I have done and then find out he is a piece of s--- ! Also, I do believe what goes around comes around, he will get his !
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I hope so...This is so frustrating. He just changed so bad! I am so hurt by him.
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 My husband is not the same at all.....like a stranger now, cold, distant, does not care about my feelings at all most of the time. I am preparing to leave him now and feel pretty good about that now....it is hard because I love him, but I have learned over the last to love ME more, you will too. I will not lie and tell you this is easy, it is NOT, it is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, but it does get easier! If you ever need to talk I am on line at work all day ! I know what you are feeling
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Love is not a feeling baby, it is a choice. i have some issue with this statement. can you please explain what you mean by this so i can understand it a little better and why you think this is true? to confused, i'm so sorry for your pain. i don't think you're missing much by not being this man. even if he decided tomorrow that he wants you back and is so so sorry and loved you and all that, do you really want to be with someone who cheated on you, and then added the insult of saying he never loved you? would you forgive him completely and have a normal relationship after all that has happened?
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hello Kenzie, as my therapist explained to me, you can be in love with many....your family, friends etc.....when you love you choose to care about that person and their well being, it is not just a feeling inside that tells you to do this....it is a choice as to whether you are good to someone or not....not a feeling that makes you do that......when you are in romantic love, that is just another form of love with sexual attraction in the mix. So, for those who tell you I am NO longer IN love with you, all that means is that I am no longer attracted to you in a sexual manner. Did that explain it !
hippiechick Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I think that is the worst part of it. The "how's" and "why's" of it all. You can drive yourself crazy wondering. I certainly did after my husband's EA. It definitely hit me out of nowhere. You know I call it "the grass is always greener syndrome". I am sure this affair started out of complete fantasy (sneaking around, not living in the real world). Now it will hit him with all of the reality. Especially if she is pregnant, I think the fantasy will be gone for him. Just think mood swings, hemarrhoids, and stretch marks (bye, bye fantasy girl!). He'll probably try and contact you in a while with a changed tune, be strong. I know it stings. But time will be your best friend and you will get over it and one day you'll realize that you are better off and better than that.
cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hippie are you still M and if so, how did you find out about his EA? Did he deny or admit it ?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hello Kenzie, as my therapist explained to me, you can be in love with many....your family, friends etc.....when you love you choose to care about that person and their well being, it is not just a feeling inside that tells you to do this....it is a choice as to whether you are good to someone or not....not a feeling that makes you do that......when you are in romantic love, that is just another form of love with sexual attraction in the mix. So, for those who tell you I am NO longer IN love with you, all that means is that I am no longer attracted to you in a sexual manner. Did that explain it ! i think i get what you mean. i still think the 'love is not a feeling, it's a choice bit' is a little off, because to me, you love who you love and you sometimes can't help who you love--if it that easy to choose who you love, there wouldn't be so many hurt people out there, and on here. but i get the whole 'choosing to treat people a certain way because you love them' bit. sorry, i hope that didn't bother you that i asked about that (and sorry to the OP for invading your thread, i was just really curious about that, as maybe you were too.) thanks!
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks CJ. The thing that stinks is that I have NO closure. Most of this was done via text messaging and email. He would NOT say any of this to my face or over the phone. He has just been so awful. It's like...enough all ready. How much more can one person take...you know? Hippie, I do want him to come back...but not because he knows I will take him back...because he wants to...then when he does I hope I am SOO SOOO strong - strong enough to say H*ll NO! As much as I love him and I DO love him what he has done to me is just brutal and I feel like we could never go back. I mean...cheating is one thing - if it was just one time and he admitted it from the beginning and admitted his mistake but blaiming it on me, never fully coming clean, being mean to me, and not giving me the respect I need it another. Plus, he's in a full blown relationship now. He is in another state making people believe he is something he isn't. Falling for his lies. It just makes me sick.
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I never thought he wasn't s*xually attracted to me anymore. Maybe I am blind but I don't buy that for one bit. She will do things with him that after 7 years we just didn't do...that is the difference I am sure. It's just so hard for me to imagine that he wasn't in love with me because if that's true...he played me for a FOOL along with everyone else. The deposits were down on everyting for the wedding and we were talking about kids, etc. Thsi just came to a shock to everyone in our lives. It's just hard to understand how he can be happy and not miss me.
jj2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 As much as I love him and I DO love him what he has done to me is just brutal and I feel like we could never go back. I mean...cheating is one thing - if it was just one time and he admitted it from the beginning and admitted his mistake but blaiming it on me, never fully coming clean, being mean to me, and not giving me the respect I need it another. Plus, he's in a full blown relationship now. He is in another state making people believe he is something he isn't. Falling for his lies. It just makes me sick. If he does come crawling back please think these thoughts over and over in your head to keep you strong. Good luck hun, I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.
skeeter420 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I totally understand how you feel! My ex left me (October 20), but had been cheating since July, and two weeks after he left, he moved in with the other woman! I don't think that he is "happy" but it's probably too much of a reminder for him of what he did, to talk to you. If I were you, I wouldn't call him at all!!
Author Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I am not going to call him. I tried to hard to 'win' him back in the begginning. I Feel like such a fool. I was like, it's okay...I love you...whatever you need...blah blah. Now he's living the life with some fug a** girl. I just hope he realizes what he lost...I mean...you just don't do that to someone. IT's just so awful. I can't believe that people can be so cruel. 7 years...we had a life together and he's going to throw it away for some *hore who slept with him without protection even though she knew nothing about him and now thier having a baby! IT's just sick!!!
michaelk Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 i think i get what you mean. i still think the 'love is not a feeling, it's a choice bit' is a little off, because to me, you love who you love and you sometimes can't help who you love--if it that easy to choose who you love, there wouldn't be so many hurt people out there, and on here. but i get the whole 'choosing to treat people a certain way because you love them' bit. sorry, i hope that didn't bother you that i asked about that (and sorry to the OP for invading your thread, i was just really curious about that, as maybe you were too.) thanks! If you could choose who you love, why wouldn't we just choose to love everyone?
hippiechick Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Hippie are you still M and if so, how did you find out about his EA? Did he deny or admit it ? We have a joint cell phone account and yes I do go through the numbers when there are overages on the minutes. I didn't know this particular number. So I looked in his phone and it was under a name I didn't know. i asked him about it. At first he played it off as nothing, "just talking or BSing with her". So I called her to see what was going on. She said they were just friends. So basically I told her i didn't approve. And I gave my husband the ultimatum. Stop this now or I am gone. After we talked about it he was very guilty and remorseful. But he never understood why I got so upset when it was nothing physical. When I said EA's turn into PA's, he said it would never have gone that far So needless to say we are on a waitlist for marriage counseling. I have good days and bad, days when I think about it and days when i don't. What hurts the most is that he chose to talk to someone else during that period of time and not me.
hippiechick Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Hippie, I do want him to come back...but not because he knows I will take him back...because he wants to...then when he does I hope I am SOO SOOO strong - strong enough to say H*ll NO! As much as I love him and I DO love him what he has done to me is just brutal and I feel like we could never go back. I mean...cheating is one thing - if it was just one time and he admitted it from the beginning and admitted his mistake but blaiming it on me, never fully coming clean, being mean to me, and not giving me the respect I need it another. Plus, he's in a full blown relationship now. He is in another state making people believe he is something he isn't. Falling for his lies. It just makes me sick. Believe me honey, I was not assuming you would take the JERK back. I was simply stating that when he realizes this "new life" is not all its cracked up to be he will try and squirm his way back.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 oh I know. I guess writing it helps me understand that is what I need to do if he does try and come back! I just hope I am strong enough to say no. I want him to regret what he has done.
littlekitty Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 My gut feeling is that he got this women pregnant while he was cheating on you while away, and now he feels he has to step up to the mark and be a father etc. Perhaps he's treating you so badly as it's the only way he can deal with it.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Well, what about stepping up and being a fiance? We had a life...we had debt...we had a wedding we were planning. Why did he chose her and not me? You know? That's so hard to understand.
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