Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Actually, I found two things this morning after staying at BF's place last night. I'm analyzing, yes. So what. BF and I had a great time together last night, and have "special date" plans for this weekend. By way of background, as many of you know, I'm stressed right now at dealing with the uncertainty of his job and where he'll end up geographically once that decision is made. I've told him that I care about him a great deal, and will support him no matter what he decides, but hope that whatever he decides avails me of an opportunity as well someday if things continue to progress as they are. I've told him that I am not "stuck" in our area, and that me moving someday is negotiable if he finds something he really loves. Anyway, he seems interested in gathering as many options and offers as possible (which makes sense), but has kinda put his nose up at the opportunities in our area, which has made me think him leaving is inevitable. When I got there last night, I noticed he a certain application packet on the dining table in plain view, on the very top of the pile of all of his job-search stuff. It was for an opportunity he originally said he wouldn't be all that interested in because of what the training entails - one of the ones he was kinda snobby about. It's in our city. If I had my choice of all the options available to him - for both selfish reasons of staying here, as well as what I objectively think would make him happiest in the long-term - this would be it. I almost smiled when I saw it, but he was looking at me so I just pretended to not really notice. It was printed from the internet it looks like, just two days ago. Anyway, this morning I was just hanging out with my morning coffee, and saw one of his books sitting on the shelf as though it had been picked up and read recently. BF is somewhat anal and keeps everything in its place, this was out of place, so he must have read it either this morning [odd] or sometime yesterday. I figured it was worth a brief perusal. It was a relationship book. I flipped through it and found a particular page had been dog-eared. The marked page was in the section where it says one of women's greatest needs from a man is conversation. I've mentioned to BF how I love that he calls me often because it makes me feel connected to him, and that he's thinking about me. I've also expressed to him how important conversation and sharing are. These issues were in this section. The particular marked page discussed how men don't "get" that women like to talk often times just to talk, and that they need to make the effort to maintain communication and conversation with the women in their lives, continuing to learn and share things with them, that it's akin to affection in many ways. It suggested calling the woman often to show her how much he cares. BF calls me often, I never have to call him. It also suggested how to converse with a women so she feels appreciated, understood, loved, cared for, etc. I was amazed while reading it because I've often found that BF's manner of speaking with me always leaves me feeling that way. Basically, he's clearly following the book's instructions. But more importantly, the page also discussed the importance of communicating and conversation when one partner travels a lot for work. It reiterated how important communication is under those circumstances, but the author also hinted that when one partner chooses a job that requires a lot of travel, he does so at the expense of his relationship. That part jumped off the page at me. It was the main little paragraph section on the page. Could the two be related? The part about choosing a traveling job being detrimental to the relationship and the new application for a local job? I'm a little excited, I must admit.
sb129 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Detective SG at work! It certainly sounds like he is interested in making this R work, if he is looking at local jobs and consulting a relationship book!
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Having a relationship without communication is futile SG... You need to be asking him about these things.. You need to be open and honest about how you feel. If you don't open up to him and he doesn't open up to you then you will think all kinds of things about him and he will think mall kinds of things about you.. I think you need to have the all out talk with him.. I'm not the only one on LS that thinks so either.. almost all of us think so.. When are you going to have a heart to heart with him ?
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 SG, relax. He is interested in making this work while acquiring as many options as possible, which is exactly what he should be doing and you would do as well. Create opportunities, evaluate which ones are best for you, then evaluate how they might effect the relationship, then include you in the discussion. It sounds like this is his plan. You've got a great guy. This is "good" news but I think the only real good news is that you had a good night with him last night and have a great date planned for this weekend. That is the good news. You survived your first conflict. I'm happy for you.
sb129 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 You've got a great guy. This is "good" news but I think the only real good news is that you had a good night with him last night and have a great date planned for this weekend. That is the good news. You survived your first conflict. I'm happy for you. Me too. Glad the other things blew over.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I just wanted to know whether you guys thought the same thing - that it seems like he's really interested in making this work, that he's including me in his decision-making process. After last night, I'm feeling more comfortable with my emotions. I think I'll have a heart-to-heart with him this weekend when we're both away from work and relaxed...
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Me too. Glad the other things blew over. How did things blow over ??.. She didn't tell him she loved him.. She mentioned that she cared a great deal about him.. She obviously still isn't in the loop about his decision making process because she doesn't know about any of the stuff she found on the table... While you having your talk and mentioning that you support him is better than it was a few days ago it still isn't the whole story SG.. How can you expect to have a relationship with someone that will last years if you can't tell him how your feel?.. If he wasn't moving or changing careers then I wouldn't be saying this kind of stuff but my bet is that he may very well feel the same love you feel and you need to be working on the foundation of your relationship and building the communication bridges you both need to go the long term.
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 He sounds very interested in making this work, and I've inferred that ALL ALONG!!!! I really get the feeling that he is going to acquire as many options as possible, evaluate them for himself, and then sit down with you and say "here are my options. I want us to work. I would prefer option a or b, but which options do you feel are best for us to work, as you are a priority." Have fun this weekend.
Kamille Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I just wanted to know whether you guys thought the same thing - that it seems like he's really interested in making this work, that he's including me in his decision-making process. Funny but I just realized that this has been the core of what has been unsettling you these last few days. Yet, there was never any doubt in my mind, from what you were writing, that he was including you in the decision making process. I still maintain you need you time, to complement these good feelings and have our old Star Gazer back.
sb129 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 AC- Stargazers stressout session about BF wanting some space has blown over, thats what.
sb129 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I thought you had been talking to him about it SG?
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 AC- Stargazers stressout session about BF wanting some space has blown over, thats what. Ahh.. got it..
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Funny but I just realized that this has been the core of what has been unsettling you these last few days. Yet, there was never any doubt in my mind, from what you were writing, that he was including you in the decision making process. I still maintain you need you time, to complement these good feelings and have our old Star Gazer back. I think you're right. That's what's had me all bent out of shape. I felt really disconnected him him, like he was slipping away from me all because I didn't really know what was going on or where his head was at. We haven't had a detailed conversation about this, but just seeing what I saw shed a lot of light. How did things blow over ??.. She didn't tell him she loved him.. She mentioned that she cared a great deal about him.. She obviously still isn't in the loop about his decision making process because she doesn't know about any of the stuff she found on the table... While you having your talk and mentioning that you support him is better than it was a few days ago it still isn't the whole story SG.. How can you expect to have a relationship with someone that will last years if you can't tell him how your feel?.. I told him last week that I care a great deal about him and will support him no matter what in a long love letter. Then he left for a long weekend with his family. Opening up the way I did (even if you feel it wasn't enough) made me feel very vulnerable. And then he was gone and I felt disconnected, and freaked out even more when he came back and wanted a day of "space." See the progression? From where I stand, when I open up to him, he pulls away a little (albeit briefly, and then comes back). If he wasn't moving or changing careers then I wouldn't be saying this kind of stuff but my bet is that he may very well feel the same love you feel and you need to be working on the foundation of your relationship and building the communication bridges you both need to go the long term. So do you mean because of the uncertainty and the potential for him moving that I should lay it all out there, whereas if he weren't potentially leaving I should keep my feelings to myself?
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 So do you mean because of the uncertainty and the potential for him moving that I should lay it all out there, whereas if he weren't potentially leaving I should keep my feelings to myself? In simple words.. Yes If he wasn't leaving then you would have time on your side to let things form on their own.. Right now I feel things might need a push because of the value of what's at stake.. your new relationship. By the way.. opening up and being vulnerable is a normal feeling.. it feels that way to us all.. You know that they love you back when they open up as well and take some of those feelings away and let the feelings of security come in.
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