gullible Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Is it lying when you say something that is probably technically true, but was probably intended to convey a different meaning. For example, my wife has been communicating secretly (or so she thought) with a man for over 4 years. She claims that he's just a friend. I finally talked to her about it last summer and told her that if he was just a friend that it was OK to communicate with him as long as she didn't try to keep it a secret. I thought that she agreed, and apparently the emails stopped for a few months. However several months ago she send him an email stating that she was wanted to get together for drinks. They met at least twice that I knew about. I finally talked to her again about a week and a half ago. She assured me again that they were just friends, and asked if I'd like for her to arrange a meeting between the three of us so that I could see that they were just friends. I said 'Sure', and she said "I'll contact him tomorrow and set it up." That was on Sunday. On Monday she probably said "A week from Wednesday would be best for him." I said "Why so long, why not this week?" She said "That's just the best day for him". That would have made the meeting yesterday. I assumed that she had talked to him and that he suggested Wednesday, although in looking back I don't remember her exact words, so she probably never actually said that she had talked to him. Monday of this week she said "Would you still like to meet with J on Wednesday." I said "Sure". She said that she would contact him and try to arrange it. I said "I thought you talked to him last week and arranged it for Wednesday". She said, "No, I didn't talk to him." I said "But you said that he said a week from Wednesday would be best for him." She said "I didn't talk to him - I just figured that would be a good day for him." I said "so you didn't even contact him last week." She said "I called him but he hasn't returned the call yet." Yesterday I got an email from her saying "It's going to be next Wednesday instead of today. So, assuming that I'm correct and that her original comment to me was intended to make me think that she had contacted him and that he said Wednesday was best for him, when in reality she chose her words carefully and never said that she contacted him, is this lying? Or is this just being smart like a lawyer would do? She would say that I just didn't listen carefully and that she never intended to imply that she had contacted him.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Uhhh, it should be this, "Hey XXX (Insert his name here) these are days WE (as in my husband and I) are available to meet up with you. Please decide which of those two dates are better for you and let us know." Something just feels really wrong here - Whatever it is between them isn't good for your marriage or your relationship as a whole. She is getting something out of it, selfishly. It may not be a full-on affair, but emotionally something is there. I'm sure when you meet him, you'll be able to tell if they are 'normal' or if he (or she) seem nervous and act weird. As for the lies? Well, who knows...Maybe she is just confusing the times, or she is losing track of what she said and when she said it. I don't know.
michaelk Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Whether she's misleading you or not on the meeting dates, it seems like she's having some real trouble making this meeting happen. Is it because he's really busy? Or because she's trying to put off the meeting as long as possible? I think it's fine to have opposite sex friends, but it's got to be out in the open. If she's going to some activity with him, why hasn't she asked you along? If everything's on the up and up, and you've got a good relationship, shouldn't she want you to meet and know her friends? You need to get to the bottom of this - don't let her continually drag things out.
ToddDad Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 My wife just adminted to me a couple of days ago that she was having an A. It started pretty similar. What I regret was not following my instincts. I know what I know. --this is an important fact. I didn't have any proof, but she was acting differently, I had suspicisions and I let the A happen for 9 mths. It didn't come to a head until I confronted her on her behavior and she admitted all of it. If she isn't committed to your relationship, and you being the primary relationship - TAKE ACTION. Also - admint to yourself that she is having an A. It might only be an EA, but her having that connection is powerful if not controled. Why the hiding it? You know what you know!
BeautifulMystique Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 As whichwayisup and michaelk have said it - something doesn't seem right here, only michaelk said it in some other way but it all comes down to - something is wrong somewhere. I don't see the need to put off the meeting if they are just friends. On top of that, why can't she just make the call in front of you? Most liars can't keep up with their lies so perhaps the inconsistency in your wife's story is because of that - she probably has been lying to you more often than not.
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 The 'meeting' is the last of your worries. You don't honestly think she's not going to coach him on what to say and what not to say, do you? To me, a meeting is pointless. The only thing it will prove is whether the guy actually has the cajones to meet you face to face - but alot of lying, selfish cheaters are quite adept at earning Oscars for their convincing performances when they want to. So meeting the guy really doesn't prove much of anything. I don't know too many guys that will remain 'friends' with a woman for 4 years running - with absolutely no "payoff." Sorry, I don't. Men aren't hardwired that way. This so-called 'friendship' has been nothing but a big, fat SECRET for a few years now - and there's a reason why. It simply doesn't make sense that it's been a secret and YOU had to confront her about it. It simply does NOT make sense that it's "innocent." When something doesn't make sense, it means it's just not true. Go ahead and meet the guy if you think it's going to make a bean of difference to their willful deceiving of you over the last 4 years. And isn't it 'odd' that once you confronted your sneaky wife about her invisible 'pal,' all of a sudden the emails supposedly just stopped on a dime? Isn't the timing on that just plain ODD? Most times these things don't just stop - it just drives these people further underground and makes them work harder at not being caught, is all. She probably found an alternate email or alternate method to keep in contact with him. That's all. If she had nothing to hide, she wouldn't have been deceiving you 4 years running. There's a REASON for it. If she's being shady about the supposed meeting of the minds between you three, I'm not surprised by THAT either. I expect behavior like this from liars and sneaks. It's standard stuff.
norajane Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Is it lying when you say something that is probably technically true, but was probably intended to convey a different meaning. Yes, it's a lie. The 'techinically true' part is just so they can defend themselves and say they weren't lying, and so they can shift the blame onto you for 'misunderstanding'. But their intention is to mislead you into believing something that is not true, and that's deceptive, dishonest, and a lie. And people who do that, tend to be manipulative and tend to do it OFTEN. They don't just mislead you once, or about one thing. They do it all the time about a lot of things. They're very practiced at deception. "I haven't talked with him" can mean she never spoke with him, but they've emailed, or it can mean she never mentioned setting up a meeting but she's been yakking with him every day. The Wednesday thing...to me, that suggests she KNOWS Wednesdays are the day he can meet, probably because Wednesdays are the days they DO meet, usually, or when they usually talk. Is he married? Maybe that's the day he usually 'works late' so his wife won't wonder why he isn't home...
AHIWON Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Straight out lying or withholding information is the same thing to me. It has no part in a healthy relationship.
Bryanp Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I am afraid your name is quite appropriate. You know what has been happening. Why are you in such denial?
michaelk Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 And people who do that, tend to be manipulative and tend to do it OFTEN. They don't just mislead you once, or about one thing. They do it all the time about a lot of things. They're very practiced at deception. It's funny because I just had a conversation with my therapist on this topic last week. He said that all people manipulate. It's part of what human beings do to try to control their environment and fulfill their needs. He wasn't providing a moral justification, mind you. Just pointing out that manipulation isn't somehow relegated to the immoral amongst us. Now, having said that, there are various degrees of manipulation and it's definitely unacceptable to tell half-truths to your spouse so you can hide an affair!
michaelk Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 I don't know too many guys that will remain 'friends' with a woman for 4 years running - with absolutely no "payoff." Sorry, I don't. Men aren't hardwired that way. I've had a number of female friends, some for many more than four years. And, no, I haven't gotten a 'payoff' from them. When something doesn't make sense, it means it's just not true.No, when something doesn't make sense, it means you don't understand it. I agree that you're probably right about the situation, but I think he should gather more facts rather than assuming he knows what's happening. And you might be right that a single meeting might not tell him what's going on. But if this guy's really a friend, then his W should be okay with having the H around whenever they meet. That is the real litmus test.
michelangelo Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 Lies, deception, half truths, omissions, all are part of a cheater's arsenal. If i were you I'd try to just show up at one of their so-called "innocent" lunch dates -- unannounced and just join the party to see what transpires. Make them uncomfortable an uncoached. Do not let your wife know you are to do this. Have your own excuse for going to where they are to be. Even if it is not really the flippin local deli.
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