Immature?

[LoveLace]

I'm not saying I've been drama-free in my life (I'm a girl!) but how mature is it to have your girlfriend answer the phone and say "Please don't call my boyfriend anymore"....

 

Marty treated me like sh*t our last weekend together, basically broke up with me by text and despite all that I've told him I forgive him and friendship is totally cool with me. The few times I have contacted him was only to say "Happy Halloween" or "hope your doing well", without ever asking him to call back.

 

If our mutual friends were aware he has a new GF, they didn't tell me about it. The other night I was just really upset about something school-related and wanted someone to talk to, not necessarily about that, just someone to chat with. It was really late though. I thought of Marty because he only works nights and stays up pretty late. Yea I know the NC rule, but that's beside the point. I hung up without leaving a message. There was an instant return call and when I picked up, it was the GF....I was totally caught off guard (although surprisingly it didn't bother me or hurt me) I just said "Oh...ok..." in a smart-ass kind of tone, matching to that of her's.

 

That's when trying to be nice finally stopped. He's always been too chicken to say anything for himself. As if I'd still call knowing he had a GF!! Did he assume I knew this already? I hung up and texted them: "Your boyfriend sucks in bed"...I don't know why I laugh everytime I repeat this part....

 

Ok that coulda been too much; anyway I went to sleep after. The next morning I get a text back (but don't know who typed it) that says "If that's your attitude you suck as a person"....it took them all night to come up with that? I thought you know what, I'm not about to indulge in Text Wars, I don't have the time or care enough about this to do so.

 

So I replied, "ha ha ha ha....ok you win, whatever."...I could have gotten real, real mean at that point but that was my way of letting them know I could care less what they think of me and I wasn't wasting more time to come up with a better insult because I'm not 16 and I haven't done anything at all to deserve being ganged up on like that. What exactly was my "attitude" supposed to be when she called? "OH, I'm so happy for you two?"....would that have been more sufficient?

[oppath]

Well Lovelace, it sucks to find out someone has moved on, and ideally if you were in any sort of contact, he'd tell you, right, but let's think about this...

 

what would he say?

 

"I'd rather you not call me. I have a new girlfriend and it's not fair to talk to you because I want to focus on her and give her a fair chance."

 

Would that not hit you hard initially too? Sounds like his new girl intercepted things and told you herself before he got the balls to do it. That does hurt and I feel bad for you.

 

At the same time, did they really do anything wrong? For you to say "he sucks in bed" was rather lame. Part of being supportive on LS is calling people out and I have to. I know you were hurt. I know this was like a slap to the face that came out of nowhere. I know how difficult it is to be in that situation. It's horrible.

 

But him and his gf didn't do anything wrong, and their comeback was justified. If my ex tried to insult me to my new gf yes, she would suck as a person, even though I am well aware that if I run into my ex, I'm going to insult her, which would make me suck.

 

Best to just walk away with your dignity intact and understand, this does suck and it should hurt, but Marty and his new gf have done nothing wrong.

[LoveLace]

Right, but nor did I do anything wrong (Before the sucks in bed part) or even make any attempts to get him back as a boyfriend. Friendship was my only intention. He could have called at one point to have a friendly conversation and mention that he had a girlfriend, at that point I would have said that's good, and probably wouldn't have called him again....

 

I also emailed him once and asked what's new in his life, and does he have a new girlfriend, but he never wrote back, so that could have been his opportunity if he really wanted me to know. The way her smart-ass attitude was about it, was treating it as though I've been begging for him or something, which is way off.

 

I'm not even hurt that he has a GF (I'm dating someone else at the moment that I can't stop thinking about - so why'd I call I don't know)....but I felt disrespected in the sense he just could have handled it differently, considering up to this point I've been nothing but very civil to him. So yes, I got disrespectful back, yes it was lame, and I can't say that I care...I think if I was truly hurt I'd have pathetically been apologizing by now...but I have no desire...why? Should I?

[jayelle88]

to be honest i thought the "your boyfriend sucks in bed" text was funny as hell. i might use that one on mine.

 

i understand how you feel, i would be taken aback if my ex's new g/f did that to me, because she didnt even know why you were calling him to begin with. you were threatining to her because your the ex and she figured it was her job to "take charge" which isnt really her right. if you guys were just friends and that boundary is a line you both havent been crossing, theres nothing wrong with calling your ex if u can still be civil with each other and really remain "friends". i feel it should be your ex's choice, not his g/fs, and if he was just telling her what to say on the phone to you, the hes a coward and you dont need someone like that in your life.

[LoveLace]

Jayelle I'm glad I"m not the only one who thought it was funny....maybe harsh I don't know but I don't care! It was actually my way of handling the siutation humurously...cuz it felt so high school to have a girl call back with an attitude like that...I found it humerous just as much as I found it immature on HIS part, not necessarily hers. And I agree that any one is a coward if they can't tell someone for themselves to stop calling. Especially when the caller hasn't even done anything bad to you; I think it was probably stroking his ego that a girl "still calls him" and gets off on this making his GF jealous. Then I guess he thought he'd get off on us "fighting over him" in a sense so he let her call me back like that.

 

Which is exactly why I ate their insult and just said "ok whatever", because why give them the satisfaction of going any further? Why make it look like he's great enough to fight over? Maybe when she realizes I gave up so quickly, that it's because he isn't so great!

 

I've just had a change of attitude about life lately -- ya gotta laugh about it sometimes. He was self-conscious about his sex skills anyway, so now I"m laughing while I think about him going "....did she really think I suck in bed?"....ha ha ha..

[Star Gazer]

I totally agree with oppath.

 

Your text was, as oppath put it, "rather lame." We all know how hurt you were by the demise of that relationship, and I obviously can sympathize with hurt feelings and feeling out of sorts. It sucks, but you must always control yourself and maintain your dignity.

 

Neither Marty or his GF did anything wrong, and their response to your childish text was reasonable and justified, and demonstrates that they are the better person here. Frankly, if I had been on the receiving end of your text, you would have received a very hurtful message back from me designed to make you feel even more insecure than you clearly are by sending the message to begin with. So yes, I know how emotions can get the best of you. But you must try to not let them.

 

Heartbreak sucks and hurts like hell, but the pain only continues when you allow people to get under your skin and act foolish.

 

Next time, take the high road, LL. No attitude, no text. Just peace.

[LoveLace]

Also, while dating him, there was a girl that kept calling and calling because he tried to break up with her without explanation (just like he did to me)....he kept acting annoyed by it, but when I offered to answer for him once, he said no. Yet, he never did just tell her to stop calling himself...but I was certainly not the type to say "let me call that b*tch back!" and take it upon myself like his new GF did. In fact I remember basically telling him it's his responsibility to let this girl know he's met someone.

[Star Gazer]

Also, while dating him, there was a girl that kept calling and calling because he tried to break up with her without explanation (just like he did to me)....he kept acting annoyed by it, but when I offered to answer for him once, he said no. Yet, he never did just tell her to stop calling himself...but I was certainly not the type to say "let me call that b*tch back!" and take it upon myself like his new GF did. In fact I remember basically telling him it's his responsibility to let this girl know he's met someone.

 

So?

 

You can't control him, you can only control yourself.

 

Again, it sucks what happened with him. It hurts. But you only make matters worse for yourself, karma-wise and healing wise, by acting like a biatch. So just don't.

[oppath]

So?

 

You can't control him, you can only control yourself.

 

Again, it sucks what happened with him. It hurts. But you only make matters worse for yourself, karma-wise and healing wise, by acting like a biatch. So just don't.

 

Absolutely. When my ex asked me to be friends with benefits after I asked for space, hells yes I reamed her out for it. She did not apologize, and I made the undignified mistake of involving what were at that point mutual friends because I wanted an apology. I did not control myself. It really only did make my healing so much worse and I am paying the price a year later.

 

Nothing is to be gained by the "bad in bed" comment, or assessing why he didn't tell the other girl off but you are told off.

 

His/her reaction was justified.

 

Here is the thing. The fact that you wanted to call HIM, instead of the current guy you claim to be thinking about, indicates that you need more space from him anyway. I don't doubt you are sincere in only wanting friendship, however, it is not possible, not now. If anything, since he ended things with you, you should be waiting for him to seek it out with you and should avoid contact until that happens. I understand wanting to keep him in your life in some way, but you are not ready yet.

[Star Gazer]

The fact that you wanted to call HIM' date=' instead of the current guy you claim to be thinking about, indicates that you need more space from him anyway.[/b'] I don't doubt you are sincere in only wanting friendship, however, it is not possible, not now. If anything, since he ended things with you, you should be waiting for him to seek it out with you and should avoid contact until that happens. I understand wanting to keep him in your life in some way, but you are not ready yet.

 

Very important point there. Your breakup with Marty was far too recent to really be friends with him (even if he were deserving of your friendship, which I don't think he is).

[LoveLace]

Again, I could care less that he has a girlfriend. This was not a security issue for me; this was a maturity thing that started with him being too immature to be man enough to talk for himself. So I insulted him and I was done. That's it. I think if I was that insecure, I would have kept the whole thing going even after being told I "suck as a person", but let them think that, I don't really give a sh*t. He obviously took my insult personally or he wouldn't have felt the need to come back with something worse; I let it be but they suddenly decided to come back at me 24 hours later. I expected to be insulted back, thing is I didn't care.

 

If an Ex keeps calling after YOU tell them to stop, then I can justify your new GF or BF having to do it for you. If it's known you have a new GF or BF and the Ex keeps calling, I can see why. But none of the above applies to me...not even close. If I've contacted him since breaking up, I've never once even asked him to call me back, nor did I get upset if he didn't.

[LoveLace]

I agree that wanting to call in the 1st place is a mistake...a human mistake we all make at some time or another, sometimes numerous times, and I've been guilty, but it's also a mistake that he didn't take the matter into his OWN hands instead of letting someone else do it. If he didn't want friendship, he couldv'e told me that but he never has. I'm no mind-reader.

 

Here's the truth though....Dan was the 1st guy I thought of calling...but I was just with him and we said good night...the thought of calling him an hour later because I was upset about something, wasn't appealing because we're starting new and starting good. I guess that's why Marty was next on my list of someone to call and talk to, given it was late at night and he's always up. So that idea backfired on me, and I fired back, so now I know better.

[oppath]

Here's the truth though....Dan was the 1st guy I thought of calling...but I was just with him and we said good night...the thought of calling him an hour later because I was upset about something, wasn't appealing because we're starting new and starting good. I guess that's why Marty was next on my list of someone to call and talk to, given it was late at night and he's always up. So that idea backfired on me, and I fired back, so now I know better.

 

Lovelave, I understand how you feel and why you would be hurt. We all do. I think I (and SG) are merely suggesting you stay away from Marty right now and just accept that drama is going to be the result of interacting.

 

And don't have an ex be your backup guy to talk to about upsetting things. He should be 100th on your list. Obviously, I understand the urge.

[LoveLace]

And don't have an ex be your backup guy to talk to about upsetting things. He should be 100th on your list. Obviously, I understand the urge.

 

 

Oh this I have learned...when really all I was doing was trying to avoid scaring off the current guy, I made another one think I was going after him. Oh well...but I'm seriously not hurt that he has girlfriend!! I was hurt when we broke up, but the GF doesn't bother me...it was his handling of the sitch...I've actually had 1 Ex that I remained friends with a long time, and watched him go through girl after girl...he was one I DEFINITELY wanted back so I felt hurt by the GF's at 1st...but after while I just became numb to it, and we'd still be civil if we saw each other. It's almost TOO easy for me to remain friends with an Ex...but Marty doesn't know that. So on his behalf I understand why my intentions appear serious.

[Kamille]

Sorry, don't mean to harp - but...

You're DATING Dan and you can't stop thinking about him????

 

Why? This guy told you he didn't want a relationship!

 

Finding a worthwhile relationship is all about good decision making honey.

 

Since when has dating Dan become a good decision?

[Star Gazer]

Sorry, don't mean to harp - but...

You're DATING Dan and you can't stop thinking about him????

 

Why? This guy told you he didn't want a relationship!

 

Finding a worthwhile relationship is all about good decision making honey.

 

Since when has dating Dan become a good decision?

 

So right! I forgot about Dan! LL, c'mon now...

[LoveLace]

he he...me and Dan have been hanging out more. We got together the other night but didn't even have sex...we were making out in the car in front of his house...the windows were all steamy and we laughed and said we felt like we were in high school...I'm having lotsa fun with him. I don't know why, but after knowing him 2 years we're just now blending, as far as going beyond sex. He's never said he doesn't want a relationship...just said he doesn't want to be engaged again...that doesn't bother me. I do know that I'm more laid back than I used to be with guys back then, I've just been relaxing and going with the flow, and it just makes things better and easier. We seem to like each other a lot more than ever, that's all. It isn't like I'm totally attached...he doesn't smother me but he's all about making me happy when we're together and that's what I go by for now.

 

I exaggerate can't stop thinking about him...just have thought a lot about him today in particular...he's taking me out this weekend (so he says)...

 

but also, he isn't really that cute and I think it's affected my view of him in the past...it's like I'm finally looking past that and noticing things I didn't before about his personality..

[Kamille]

he he...me and Dan have been hanging out more. We got together the other night but didn't even have sex...we were making out in the car in front of his house...the windows were all steamy and we laughed and said we felt like we were in high school...I'm having lotsa fun with him. I don't know why, but after knowing him 2 years we're just now blending, as far as going beyond sex. He's never said he doesn't want a relationship...just said he doesn't want to be engaged again...that doesn't bother me. I do know that I'm more laid back than I used to be with guys back then, I've just been relaxing and going with the flow, and it just makes things better and easier. We seem to like each other a lot more than ever, that's all. It isn't like I'm totally attached...he doesn't smother me but he's all about making me happy when we're together and that's what I go by for now.

 

I exaggerate can't stop thinking about him...just have thought a lot about him today in particular...he's taking me out this weekend (so he says)...

 

but also, he isn't really that cute and I think it's affected my view of him in the past...it's like I'm finally looking past that and noticing things I didn't before about his personality..

 

Ok good for you.

 

Just make sure you don't ignore any red flags just because you're happy to have someone in your life.

 

I just walked home and on the way here I was thinking about telling you about my last year of dating in the hopes that you would better understand where I'm coming from with my advice.

 

Last August 2006 I met and fell really rapidly for a guy who was promising me the moon on a stick. I thought we were soulmates. I didn't heed any of the red flags he threw my way. In fact, that story reminds me of your story with Marty. He would make a point of insisting he was over his ex, he wanted to rush into things because there was no sense in playing games, etc etc.

 

Needless to say, the relationship barely lasted a month and he unelegantly walked out on me.

 

I was HURT. It took me months to go over it. But I decided that I was going to start being smarter about dating.

 

So I decided that I was going to be pickier, that I wasn't going to give my heart away unless the guy deserved it. That I wasn't going to chase or settle for scraps. I was going to stop making excuses for the guys I was dating, call them on them if they treated me badly and walk away from them if they didn't treat me how I wished to be treated.

 

You know what - enforcing those rules was a scary decision to make because they adressed my most fundamental fear - one that I think you also have: that unless I 'bended' a little (and in no sexy way), guys would continue to pass me by.

 

In other words, it adressed one of my most fundamental fears: that I didn't deserve Love. The Love I wanted.

 

And for a few months, things were shaky. No one was asking me out and I was working on 'putting myself out there' when, last April, I met Jason.

 

Jason was known as the hottie of the town and he let me know in no uncertain terms that he was interested in me. But he sent me mixed message, not calling when he said he would, not returning phone calls, so per my principals, I WALKED away.

 

And later found out he was still pining over his ex.

 

Somehow standing up for myself gave me more confidence and within a week, I was dating someone else. I think I must have dated 5 guys since Jason, always paying attention to how they treated me and measuring it against how I wanted to be treated. And the more I did it, the easier dating became and the more guys treated me well.

 

SO whatever you do LL, please make sure men treat you the way you want to be treated, else they're out. Don't settle for scraps and don't waste time and energy on scraps.

 

The right guy will be more then willing to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[LoveLace]

Wow thanks Kam! (can I call you Kam?) I have to say I've acted differently towards Dan than I used to. For one thing, I've got him chasing more than he did in the past, because I have a busier life and am less available...and I wait a day or 2 to return his calls if I'm busy...I used to get mad at him and over-react about things...and now I'm seeing the important thing to just enjoy it and not judge too quickly.

 

It all seems to be working wonderfully, at the same time I'm unexpectedly finding myself more intrigued by him as a person. I'm feeling like we're on the same level for once, but it's not a very high level, I'm trying to treat it as though it's a brand new guy even though it isn't. This is not the time to expect a call every day or anything like that. We used to see each other very sporadically; we've seen other 3 times in the last 2 weeks which is a lot for us...and a lot considering my schedule.

 

I did learn something from my "soulmate" story as well...I learned that going too fast can easily make ya think "...so what now? what excitement is left?"...so I'm being very patient with Dan and hopefully with any other men. However, if it gets to the point when feelings should be addressed, his reactions or intentions will determine if I stay or go. Until then, I really like what we got going on...it's comfortable because I've known him, but it's also exciting because we're acknowledging how much fun we've had together and it's opening up a new door of possibilities.

 

Who knows I could be totally wrong and he may not feel as I do at all. But if that's true, I'll find out soon enough. In my gut I feel something...the other night I actually felt butterflies with kissing him...OMG I don't know if I even felt that with Marty...I know butterflies don't mean "he's the one" or anything...but maybe he's MY Jason!! He he...

 

sorry..the thread goes from being about one guy to being about another....!!!

[oppath]

Excellent Story, Kamille. As a guy, I'm supposed to "treat the lady" as the pursuer (not talking $ here), but I too have decided to pay careful attention to how someone treats me. I've been walked over in some past relationships and while I'm not perfect and surely had my moments of treating them less than perfect, I've really been zeroing in on "what makes a relationship healthy" and "what behaviors do I expect" and I am becoming less flexible.

 

Basically, my boundaries are always liberal but it's black and white on the sides of them. I decided to tighten them up a lot, but allow some shades of grey.

 

Hasn't worked for me yet but it comes down to: make smart dating decisions. that means (in general) don't date girls out of LTR's that ended 1 or 2 weeks earlier, for example, a pattern I am notorious for, or if I do date them, pay attention that they give me signs they are ready. In the past I've ignored signals that should scream stay away and I paid the price for it healing.

 

I've realized I need to make good choices. I have control over that. I made some unwise choices in the past that have allowed me to grow. Time to make good choices.

 

Lovelace, Dan may or may not be a good choice. Just don't let sex confuse you and don't get on the on/off train like you were with him for a while.

[norajane]

Marty treated me like sh*t our last weekend together, basically broke up with me by text and despite all that I've told him I forgive him and friendship is totally cool with me.

 

For me, this is where you went wrong - you should not accept crap behavior from people and want to be friends with them. If they treat you like crap, why do you want to maintain a 'friendship'? I'm sure you know friendship is a relationship where people respect each other, trust each other, care about each other, and treat each other well. Considering how he treated your break-up, why would you think he'd be a 'friend' to you after your break-up?

 

My suggestion would be to think loooooooong and hard about why you would even consider being friends with him, much less why you would WANT to. You can forgive people (letting go of your anger and hurt) without accepting their crap (allowing them in your life).

[LoveLace]

Your absolutely right Nora Jane! But as I've said, I've sustained pretty civil friendships with a few ex's so I guess it feels like the norm for me, I don't know. Out of nowhere last night, out of the blue, I got another text that was probably from the GF: Please don't contact this number....um ok....I replied "Same to you...thanx"...I had already sent the last text over 24 hrs. earlier that basically said Look you win and I don't care....it's as though she's obsessing over it if you ask me...I don't want her freaking boyfriend!!

 

Dan also called me last night, I don't know what his complex is with my roommate...new thread...