cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 My H holds a lot of resement and anger towards me as well as past issues. I have tried to get him to get past some of these OLD issues for years now, but he just seems to hold them over my head, especially to justify something he is doing I do not approve of....so, my question is how can I help him or can someone help you with type of problem. Everytime we fight for example WHY he does not come straight home after work almost everyday to his wife and child, instead he hangs out with his best friend until he feels like coming home. When I get upset and ask him why he does this everyday he said because when I was coming home everyday (which lasted about 5 years and that was 7 years ago) you did not care then... it should not bother you, you know where I am and I am just drinking a couple of beers, what is the nig deal....I am a grown man and YOU will not tell me when to be home and you will not tell me what to do.... My argument is, I get off of work and come home everyday and clean your clothes, take care of bills, dogs and house, while you are hanging out, you do nothing around here. I also get off to come be with you, why do you not want to hang out with me and your son? He gets mad and starts bringing up anything and everything in our past to justify ! I am so tired of calling him everyday with the same fight over and over again and he does not care....he tells me as long as I call him and do that, he will not want to come home, but he does not see that I ONLY do that because he will not come home ! Never ending battle as always. He hangs out with a 24 year old man, my H is 38 at his friends parents house ( he lives with them, gettig a divorce) he has more fun with him and his baby sister ( she is 16 and has a severe heart problem) than me and his son who needs him desperately and has told him he wants him to come home too, he just yelled at him as well....he is immature and will not grow up !
Mustang Sally Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 CJ - Sounds to me like you two need to get thyselves to counseling. And not a moment too soon. As far as letting go of resentment...it is my opinion that no one can make another person "let go" of anything, resentment included. That is up to the person who has the bitter feelings. For me, it takes getting utterly exhausted of the energy that emotion sucks out of me, for me to let resentments go. YMMV, of course. Good luck.
Author cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks MS, but he will not go to counseling....he is the type, I do not need it, you do....very stubborn and holds a grudge even against his child (16) that disagrees with him......he has major issues with anyone he has a conflict with at all !
Ariadne Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hi, RESENTMENT, how to you get past it ! It's very simple. Leave him alone to do whatever he wants. Just do your own thing, joyfully, and if you see him be plesantly surprised. Ariadne
Mustang Sally Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Gee. That's a tough one, hon. What you describe gives me a not-so-good feeling regarding the prognosis of your relationship. Could you go yourself? Just for YOU? It might be tremendously helpful to clarify your own thoughts with some experienced guidance. Then you can determine whether you are up for this kind of "challenging" relationship, or not. And, of course, keep talking with us here on LS.
Author cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I have been going to IC for over a year now and he said that given what we have been through for 13 years and what happened this year (he may have had an A, never admitted to it) that he is the only one that can deal with this right now. But, he said that it take a lot of patience and love on my part although I have every right to leave him, in my case. I guess it is all up to what I can handle. I just HATE that his frustration with US keeps him away from his son, but them again it is not surprising considering he has never been a REAL dad, but thinks he has......it is not my child, but I have raised since the age of 2 as mine and we are very close and that alone, pisses him off more. Our closeness threatens him instead of making him want to be close as well. He is a sweet child and deserves better. He has a horrible mother and then he has me, his real mother in life. I will not abandon him ever. He wants to live with me if we split, his dad will make sure he does not. I have just moved my own son to college this weekend, so I am dealing with that as well.....I am overwelmed right now
Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 CJ, you wrote... I guess it is all up to what I can handle. I just HATE that his frustration with US keeps him away from his son, but them again it is not surprising considering he has never been a REAL dad, but thinks he has You are not making his choices for him HE IS! His frustration with you is because he is guilty of something so he is trying to justify it. Don't blame yourself for the relationship he has with your child - that is his fault. He needs to come clean with you. Tell you if he had an affair or not. If he doesn't want to do counseling then what will he do to make your situation better? Is he even willing to try. You want this to work, right? He says he does...well actions speak louder than words. Make him prove he wants this. You are doing all you can but a marriage is not one sided! Keep that head up!
Author cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 That is funny cinfused, we are on each others threads giving each other advice.....great minds and women do think a like !
Confused9 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 haha. I know. I just want you to know you have my support as well. I am sort of still trying to read up on your situation...but, at the end of the day I guess they are all the same in a way. One's heart is broken and one is a complete ARSE!
LakesideDream Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 CJ, you have neglected to mention what the "issues" you had in the past. Those "issues" may be the root of the problem. What might those "issues" be?
get.mos Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 someone once said, "it takes years to build up trust, yet only a moment of doubt to break it down." this is so true.
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Lakeside, thanks I will tell you what the issues are.... 1) He wanted more sex than me for years 2) We faught a lot and I said a lot of harsh things (so did he) 3) We were not married, lived together 7 years, he moved out, I moved on and started seeing someone else, he never got past it (biggest issue) 4) He does not understand WHY I want him now as much as I do but did not as much in the past when he did....explained it to him, he was not at home a lot and when he was it was late and he was drunk, sure I want to spread my legs for that 5) He spends most of his time now after work with his friend instead of coming home, I get mad, he does it more.... So, you see it seems to be a game for him. Now I want sex more (older, in my prime) he does not, I want to be with him more, he said I am selfish and want him shoved up my butt.....he is stubborn and thinks he has done nothing wrong and I have done it all wrong.....my point is if we are going to make this work, he has to be home and want to make it work or move on ! He claims if he did not want to be there he would not, but he is not so what is the difference...he is with his friend all day, they ride together and then he wants to spend another 4 hours at his house getting high....then come home to me and his son at 7PM, go to bed at 8PM.....WOOOOOHOOOO that is just so nice of him ! He is not affectionate at all and said it is because I am overly pushing the issue etc.....he has an excuse for everything !
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