mo.m427 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 On October 27 while away on business, my wife tells me that she likes the way things are and is not sure she want to be with me anymore. I do not know what to do, she now has it convinced that our marriage of 11 years, 13 together is a mistake! She says that it is her, but yet she has made references to things about me. I do not understand,why she want to just let everything go. We have NEVER had any discussions before about her "feeling unhappy". We always looked like the happiest couple when others saw us. I was away on business to help our family, which she encouraged, and now, that we had never been away from eachother for 3 weeks, my business is closing and I have no job, and she tells me that she will go to her moms with our two girls 5 and 2 on x-mas and leave me to be just like she did on new years! She won't go to counseling together, and keeps saying that she will go, but has done nothing and now she says once the hollidays are over, she is going to take the girls and move to her moms! Why would someone not share their feelings and then just say"surprise", and by the way your a nice guy, I am not going to try becasue I already have, share no emotion,affection, or intamacy, and just say its over. I do not know what to do, its been a number of weeks now, all i do is take care of the kids and lokk for jobs, while she works, and when she comes home late from work everyday,its like everything is fine, but when the kids go to bed, she does, probably to avoid me. I am so hurt,lost and lonely.
polywog Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 (((Hugs))), mo. Ouch. It sounds to me like the thread of your relationship has been lost from lack of communication, for whatever reason.... happens so easily! You lived your lives, went on, and then Bam. Sounds as if there has been so much unexpressed between you, and I'm not blaming anyone here, you or her. Keeping a running line of open communication is a skill that we aren't taught, unfortunately. I'd recommend checking out marriagebuilders.com, or divorcebusting. The latter is a book, can't remember the author. There is also a website connectd with it. Maybe her action is a plea. Maybe more. But maybe, just maybe, this is a chance for you both to face stuff and make something stronger, together. Check out those sites, maybe it will help. Best of luck, and I send my heartfelt best vibes your way.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Because of those two kids, she has to try to fix things, get to marriage counselling with you. It's too bad she isn't a big communicator because now she has clammed up even more and just wants to bolt. That is selfish of her to do, without a real explanation. Maybe she feels different after having children and is having trouble focussing on being a wife and a friend to you, instead of just being mommy. It's unfair of her to take the kids away over Christmas and leave you alone - That is unfair TO the kids, they're too young to understand and right now she can't just think about herself and what's best for her. Find a therapist who can help, make the appointment and go together. Sorry for your pain.
polywog Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Because of those two kids, she has to try to fix things, get to marriage counselling with you. It's too bad she isn't a big communicator because now she has clammed up even more and just wants to bolt. That is selfish of her to do, without a real explanation. Maybe she feels different after having children and is having trouble focussing on being a wife and a friend to you, instead of just being mommy. It's unfair of her to take the kids away over Christmas and leave you alone - That is unfair TO the kids, they're too young to understand and right now she can't just think about herself and what's best for her. Find a therapist who can help, make the appointment and go together. Sorry for your pain. I do agree with WWIU that the taking away the kids for the holidays seems punishing. Geez, it is an angry gesture! You have a few weeks left to tackle this stuff. Maybe plunge in and check it out.
redblack66 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 On October 27 while away on business, my wife tells me that she likes the way things are and is not sure she want to be with me anymore. I do not know what to do, she now has it convinced that our marriage of 11 years, 13 together is a mistake! She says that it is her, but yet she has made references to things about me. I do not understand,why she want to just let everything go. We have NEVER had any discussions before about her "feeling unhappy". We always looked like the happiest couple when others saw us. I was away on business to help our family, which she encouraged, and now, that we had never been away from eachother for 3 weeks, my business is closing and I have no job, and she tells me that she will go to her moms with our two girls 5 and 2 on x-mas and leave me to be just like she did on new years! She won't go to counseling together, and keeps saying that she will go, but has done nothing and now she says once the hollidays are over, she is going to take the girls and move to her moms! Why would someone not share their feelings and then just say"surprise", Apparently this is a common pattern. I recommend going to marriage counseling yourself and start reading about relations. and by the way your a nice guy, I am not going to try becasue I already have, share no emotion,affection, or intamacy, and just say its over. I do not know what to do, its been a number of weeks now, all i do is take care of the kids and lokk for jobs, while she works, and when she comes home late from work everyday,its like everything is fine, but when the kids go to bed, she does, probably to avoid me. I am so hurt,lost and lonely.Do not beg, cry, convince her, etc. Do not do anything that puts any pressure on her. Your situation is not that unusual. Start learning about relations, take care of yourself, and leave her alone for a while.
Author mo.m427 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 (((Hugs))), mo. Ouch. It sounds to me like the thread of your relationship has been lost from lack of communication, for whatever reason.... happens so easily! You lived your lives, went on, and then Bam. Sounds as if there has been so much unexpressed between you, and I'm not blaming anyone here, you or her. Keeping a running line of open communication is a skill that we aren't taught, unfortunately. I'd recommend checking out marriagebuilders.com, or divorcebusting. The latter is a book, can't remember the author. There is also a website connectd with it. Maybe her action is a plea. Maybe more. But maybe, just maybe, this is a chance for you both to face stuff and make something stronger, together. Check out those sites, maybe it will help. Best of luck, and I send my heartfelt best vibes your way. I have been on divorcebusting and read the book, but i am lost.
Author mo.m427 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I cannot convince her to go to counseling. She says she will go, but not together, but she still hasn't. I went once and did not feel good about.
LakesideDream Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Same story as losthusband also current in this catagory. Sad, very sad.. especial cruel for you at the holidays. Read the other threads, there is lots of advise. Know there is nothing you can do about any of this, she is in control, she will do what she wants to do. Your needs, and wants, are no longer importand. Try to keep it together. It's not easy but it's possible.
Author mo.m427 Posted December 11, 2007 Author Posted December 11, 2007 How can a woman just say its over? I am willing to throw away 13 years becasue i have already tried even though i never told you how i felt! that it is all about "me"(her) and that it is best for her not me or the kids! Now she is telling me that I will only spend half a day with the kids on x-mas for she and that she will then take them to celebrate with her family vs all of us together! why is she doing this, stilll here, not going to counseling as promised yet, i have told her that i am staying and keeping the house , yet she still supports improvements? Its been a tough year with work, and now becasue of her i am left with no job and a kick in the.... , and all she says is sorry? She has agreed to go to me holliday party tonight but has yet to decide if we will go together or drive separately even though we live in the same house and do not sleep in the same bed. She has previously made it clear that we will have no intimate relations and that she does not want me to see her in the bath when showering. I have decided to forget the latter, and if i need to get in, she will have to deal with it, its not like we have never seen eachother before and now she wants to change our daily routine!
redblack66 Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 How can a woman just say its over? I am willing to throw away 13 years becasue i have already tried even though i never told you how i felt! that it is all about "me"(her) and that it is best for her not me or the kids! Nothing surprising in my opinion. My wife is in the same mode: it is all about her. Now she is telling me that I will only spend half a day with the kids on x-mas for she and that she will then take them to celebrate with her family vs all of us together! why is she doing this, stilll here, not going to counseling as promised yet, i have told her that i am staying and keeping the house , yet she still supports improvements? Its been a tough year with work, and now becasue of her i am left with no job and a kick in the.... , and all she says is sorry? She has agreed to go to me holliday party tonight but has yet to decide if we will go together or drive separately even though we live in the same house and do not sleep in the same bed. She has previously made it clear that we will have no intimate relations and that she does not want me to see her in the bath when showering. I have decided to forget the latter, and if i need to get in, she will have to deal with it, its not like we have never seen eachother before and now she wants to change our daily routine!Your situation is like a copy of mine or vice versa. My wife also wants to take the kids for the Holidays to her parents, but I got a court order that nobody can take them away without the written permission of the other parent, and the radius of permission is pretty small. You may want to consider the court order option. It is painful, but give you more control. My wife used to take the kids away for the Holidays and put me in the situation you come or if you don't, I will be angry about it. Not anymore.
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