Lostitonce Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I am having a serious trust issue, that therapy isn't helping. I also have sort of a two-fold problem with that, but some background on it first. When I was 17 I met, and shortly after married, a man 23 yrs older than me. He was (is) also a schizophrenic. I didn't even know what that meant then . But I figured out soon enough I was miserably unhappy and left. But not before I had our daughter. A year later, I met a great guy and fell in love. We moved away together, the three of us. But his mother hated me. So he let her send me away . I wound up back with my husband. He came back a couple weeks later, but I couldn't see trusting my daughter's future (and my own) to a guy who got rid of me cause his mommy didn't like me. A month later I found out I was pregnant. I tried to get ahold of him to let him know - he wouldn't talk to me. Anyway - I never heard from him again, and I spent the next 14 years believing that my younger daughter was his, and believing that I lost the love of my life. Until early last year. He shows up at my doorstep out of the blue after all those years, and I thought he was the answer to my prayers (especially after an 8 yr. relationship that was very emotionally abusive). I was a fool. It started out well . And things began to degrade rather quickly. It would take too long to write everything that happened. To try to make it short, what he did was manipulate all of us, lie to all of us, brainwash my children, started getting them high and drunk, and ultimately, started having sex with my oldest daughter (whom he had known as an infant!) every night while I was at work. Lastly - he took both of them and ran off to Texas. (Oh - and this was after we had a paternity test done and found he was NOT my younger daughter's father). Long story short , my children are home safe, and he is behind bars. Now comes my double problem. Six months ago I started dating a wonderful man . He is the real deal, the kind of guy a girl could grow old with . There is no doubt in my mind that he would ever pull any of the crap that my ex did ! And yet...Sometimes, a situation comes up, it just reminds me of the past, not by his behaviour, but the circumstances . And he can feel my mistrust. And it bothers him . He feels like I am comparing him to a pedophile, and I'm not. But I can't help the feelings I still have at times - and they are soooo not directed at him . The other half of the problem is my daughter . She's 16 now, and can be a trial for no other reason than her age, much less what we've gone through. The thing I'm most having difficulty with , though, is not only do I have the feelings of a mother outraged and hurting for her child, but also the feelings of a woman betrayed, except I have no way to vent that, because the other "woman" is my own daughter . And I will never, ever say anything to make her feel for one second like any of it was her fault. But the feelings are still there. Might be easier if it were truly finished - but as of now, he is supposed to be sentenced tomorrow morning for the first of his charges, unless it's put off again, like it has for months and months and months... So - any advice , please, on how to move past this monumental issue of trust ? Also - guys, is there a way to make my bf understand that the trust thing I am going through is not about not trusting him ? If that makes any sense... Any help would be appreciated.
spooty Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 there is no other way to explain to him that it's not because of him, other than to say it isn't. tell him it's difficult to separate from the past with the sentencing coming up, and that it takes a long time to heal. i think you just need to do a lot of talking with your boyfriend, it will build your trust and help him to understand why you feel the way you do. and for comparing him to your ex, just tell him that when something that bad happens to you it's natural to be cautious. it's difficult to explain without making you seem "damaged" or something like that, but think of it this way, a puppy has an owner that beats him, then the dog ends up at the humane society and no one can adopt him because he bites because he doesn't trust people. it's nothing that any of those well-meaning people have done, but the dog has LEARNED not to trust and is only trying to protect himself. you know your boyfriend is a different person, but you have fears, and fears can be irrational. tell him that your lack of trust is just protecting yourself, tell him that he must accept that it takes a lot of time and effort to earn your trust, but it is by no means impossible, and you are not jaded to the point that you refuse to trust any man. the feelings you have about your daughter are natural, but you have been vigilant in controlling them, so you have done nothing wrong. next time you get those feelings tell yourself that it's ok, and they're natural, but dismiss them like you've done before.
blue.butterfly Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I really feel for you. I have been on the side of the fence, where I have been the one that wasn't trusted. As for the sentencing and justice for what this man has done to you and your family, I sincerely wish you the best of luck. Sometimes, a situation comes up, it just reminds me of the past, not by his behaviour, but the circumstances . And he can feel my mistrust. And it bothers him . He feels like I am comparing him to a pedophile, and I'm not. But I can't help the feelings I still have at times - and they are soooo not directed at him. I'm going to assume that if he can feel your mistrust, you are not being open with him when you are having distrustful feelings. It is my personal opinion that this is building a wall between you two. I am also going to assume that he had some clue to your situation when he came into this relationship, and that he really wants to help you and be there for you. You are not going to be able help your feelings through this. Right or wrong, they are still your feelings. My advice is to talk to him when you're feeling this way. Be very gentle. Don't accuse. Lead in lines like "I know this is not your fault, I'm not blaming you, this is not directed at you" are great ways to start this kind of conversation. This lets him off the hook and allows him to be there for you. This also means being vulnerable, and with trust issues that can be very hard! As for the situation with your daughter and ex, I'm not sure. I would suggest continuing therapy and venting there. Talk to your boyfriend about it when no one else is around. Don't hold all inside, but be sure to vent in appropriate circumstances. I'm afraid if you hold it all in you're likely to explode! Hope this helps. Good luck!
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