They always come running back, don't they?

[vcrandom42]

It's funny, I'd never HEARD of people swearing by "NC" before finding this board - Well, I'm 2 months out of having ended a 4-month relationship, and I can safely say... it works.

 

(By that I mean it works *both* for allowing the hurt party to move on and do positive things that reinforce their wellbeing and general hotness w/o the ex, as well as...it creates distance and when the ex comes running back, it REALLY allows you to see their true colors!

 

The background info on my story is in this thread (kinda long): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136506/

 

My ex was the most charming, compassionate snake of a man you could possibly imagine. I came into the r/s with insecurities, and he did nothing but uplift me with words - telling me it was SAD I didn't see my own self-worth, because he did, and that I made him not want anyone else. All that came crashing down when I discovered he had ads on two different sites the entire time we were together...you know the drill - his game plan was DENY, DENY, DENY, and then amazingly enough he he flipped the script and tried to break up with ME.

 

We work together so TOTAL NC has been hard. I didn't reply to his texts last month, even though they were harmless compliments. I joined a gym right after the breakup and have been feeling great! (side note: Cardio Kickboxing should be recommended to everyone after breakups, it's the best!). He said "whatever you're doing, keep it up, because you look great!"

 

Nice, right? This is in keeping in line with him serving as a quasi-mentor to me in many ways and always making me feel good.

 

He ALWAYS greeted me at work, with at least some eye contact and a "hey, how ya doing?" I followed suit, keeping things civil, but I think I still looked upset to some extent. This week that all changed... I felt good (partially because I met somebody interesting over the weekend, just a friend, but he's a very nice distraction!), so I gave the ex a HUGE smile on Monday and said hello. Next day, he asked me why I was smirking all the time at work... I said because I was feeling happy.

 

...and BAM! Last night the flood gates opened, starting with a text from him saying "I'm very happy for u." (again, he explained the looking great & carrying myself very well). I told him thanks, told him about the kickboxing, and figured we could leave it at that, but the conversation continued. It was sad, because he was literally begging for validation and compliments. Then I said "You don't need admiration, C., because you are in love with yourself!" (To which he said "Ah, so true, but I wasn't always just in love with myself, tho, remember...").

 

This is a guy who doesn't throw the L word around often, and he claimed he'd been falling in love with me after our breakup. I've always taken it with a grain of salt. My "BS" shields went WAY up during our texts, because I kept thinking - he's just trying to reel me in, he knows I want someone to love me, he's hoping it will make me weak!

 

Me: "Taken with a grain of salt, as always. You taught me a lot about human nature, C., and for that I thank you!"

C: "Glad to have taught you something. Love you, my little violinist..."

 

I don't get it. Is this a power play? What is he after? I'm thinking it's a case of Wanting-what-you-can't-have-ITIS, but I'm not sure. If you really loved somebody, you would want to be with them, and not troll for other women online, and then lie about it.

 

Anyway, I feel like I won that battle. Because I didn't let him get to me. Saw him at work again today and I smiled and made some banter, so he'd see I wasn't fazed. He looked unhappy and standoffish. I don't think he likes *not* being in control.

 

Bottomline: NC is great, I'm so happy I at least emerged with some dignity, instead of being the one beating down his door all these weeks!

[Leoni]

Bottomline: NC is great, I'm so happy I at least emerged with some dignity, instead of being the one beating down his door all these weeks!

Empower thyself. Well done.

[Krytie TV]

There's probably no way I can say this without being offensive, so I'll just say it.

 

Yes, weak/indecisive people and those without conviction will come running back.

 

Those who know what they want and are in touch with themself will not, because when these people make decisions, it means something.

[bustertypsy]

Hey,vcrandom,congrats on doing the NC so well.I am a true believer in NC and it is so great to see you come out the other side with your dignity intact.I will never understand people who don't do,or break NC.They are just making their lives so much tougher than it has to be.Sure at the begining it's so hard not to pick up that phone and beg for another chance.

 

Your experience of NC proves that you heal regardless of the outcome.In your situation it helped you heal to the point where you healed,but now he is coming,chasing you.Oh,it must feel good!! I bet you've been going around with a grin on your face since(he he)

 

It's so uplifting to read your story,I am now into week 7 of NC,and the fruits of it are starting to show.I can feel the healing.I'm not at the stage where I would't take my ex back,but I am starting to see that life without her is extremely plausable.

[franny_s]

There's probably no way I can say this without being offensive, so I'll just say it.

 

Yes, weak/indecisive people and those without conviction will come running back.

 

Those who know what they want and are in touch with themself will not, because when these people make decisions, it means something.

 

Yes, I agree. Indecisiveness is something that comes from those that don't know what what they want and insecurity within themselves. Lovsickness is the worst and completely takes over your life especially early on.

 

I don't think we should slam vcrandom42, she's doing the right thing and getting on with her life. There's nothing wrong with a little self satisfaction when it's still a little raw.

 

So I am with Leoni's post - well done girl. It will get better, don't focus on him, look after you, it does get easier everyday when you keep busy

[kitkat289]

great to read,it uplifted me mood instantly! I had broken my 7days NC last night and Iam not sure about the results as yet but I guess I should admit that it didnt do any good.Iam just waiting for his call today and if he doesnt call me today,Iam not going to attend any calls of him for the next few days.I wish I had a little more patience.I surely wanna kick him one day and I dont know why I feel insecure after some days of NC.2 weeks has been the max duration of my NC.

[vcrandom42]

I think they're in need of some ego-stroking, so that's why they come back.

 

I wish I could say it's because he genuinely cares - and there may be SOME truth to that - but in general, I think he's testing the waters to see if I'm still pining after him. This is a guy who's handsome and a part-time bouncer and gets tons of validation from women all the time...so he's probably pretty used to past flames sticking around to some degree, as FWB, or worse, booty calls.

 

He's friends with all his exes, including his ex-wife, and I know he misses me as a friend...he opened up to me about a lot of things, and we had a great connection. I had to explain last month that there would need to be a LOT of time before that could happen on my part.

 

I'm seeing him ALL DAY today for rehearsals. Part of me wants to ask him what he wants, or what he hoped to accomplish with the texts. He's not being remorseful or trying to get me back, so what's the point of telling me he loves me if it's not a power play?

 

I don't want to jump down the throat of a guy who's just genuinely trying to be nice and wants me to be happy...but like I said, once you've been played, your BS detectors tend to work overtime!

 

Oh, but I'm wearing a killer black dress & boots today. Can't wait to shoot him a huge smile and see his reaction.

[Leoni]

Be careful. What I read here is that you're still riveted by his response to your disinterest. It's a game. Stop playing and focus on walking away.

[Phateless]

It's funny, I'd never HEARD of people swearing by "NC" before finding this board - Well, I'm 2 months out of having ended a 4-month relationship, and I can safely say... it works.

 

(By that I mean it works *both* for allowing the hurt party to move on and do positive things that reinforce their wellbeing and general hotness w/o the ex, as well as...it creates distance and when the ex comes running back, it REALLY allows you to see their true colors!

 

The background info on my story is in this thread (kinda long): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t136506/

 

My ex was the most charming, compassionate snake of a man you could possibly imagine. I came into the r/s with insecurities, and he did nothing but uplift me with words - telling me it was SAD I didn't see my own self-worth, because he did, and that I made him not want anyone else. All that came crashing down when I discovered he had ads on two different sites the entire time we were together...you know the drill - his game plan was DENY, DENY, DENY, and then amazingly enough he he flipped the script and tried to break up with ME.

 

We work together so TOTAL NC has been hard. I didn't reply to his texts last month, even though they were harmless compliments. I joined a gym right after the breakup and have been feeling great! (side note: Cardio Kickboxing should be recommended to everyone after breakups, it's the best!). He said "whatever you're doing, keep it up, because you look great!"

 

Nice, right? This is in keeping in line with him serving as a quasi-mentor to me in many ways and always making me feel good.

 

He ALWAYS greeted me at work, with at least some eye contact and a "hey, how ya doing?" I followed suit, keeping things civil, but I think I still looked upset to some extent. This week that all changed... I felt good (partially because I met somebody interesting over the weekend, just a friend, but he's a very nice distraction!), so I gave the ex a HUGE smile on Monday and said hello. Next day, he asked me why I was smirking all the time at work... I said because I was feeling happy.

 

...and BAM! Last night the flood gates opened, starting with a text from him saying "I'm very happy for u." (again, he explained the looking great & carrying myself very well). I told him thanks, told him about the kickboxing, and figured we could leave it at that, but the conversation continued. It was sad, because he was literally begging for validation and compliments. Then I said "You don't need admiration, C., because you are in love with yourself!" (To which he said "Ah, so true, but I wasn't always just in love with myself, tho, remember...").

 

This is a guy who doesn't throw the L word around often, and he claimed he'd been falling in love with me after our breakup. I've always taken it with a grain of salt. My "BS" shields went WAY up during our texts, because I kept thinking - he's just trying to reel me in, he knows I want someone to love me, he's hoping it will make me weak!

 

Me: "Taken with a grain of salt, as always. You taught me a lot about human nature, C., and for that I thank you!"

C: "Glad to have taught you something. Love you, my little violinist..."

 

I don't get it. Is this a power play? What is he after? I'm thinking it's a case of Wanting-what-you-can't-have-ITIS, but I'm not sure. If you really loved somebody, you would want to be with them, and not troll for other women online, and then lie about it.

 

Anyway, I feel like I won that battle. Because I didn't let him get to me. Saw him at work again today and I smiled and made some banter, so he'd see I wasn't fazed. He looked unhappy and standoffish. I don't think he likes *not* being in control.

 

Bottomline: NC is great, I'm so happy I at least emerged with some dignity, instead of being the one beating down his door all these weeks!

 

While you're doing well, you are still engaging him, which is not nc. He's got some kind of reaction out of you, which is what he wants, and that makes you think about him again. The best thing to do is be civil but that's it. Stop it at hi/hello/fine/good/you? and that's it.

 

If he texts you, don't even respond. The point of nc is to forget and move on, not take back power. Conversing with him (especially about your relationship) keeps all the crap at the forefront of your mind and prevents you from moving on.

 

Hang in there girlie! Keep doing those positive things for yourself. DON'T TALK TO HIM!