thewholeshabangg Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 so im in a bind.. have been for awhile. i was with a guy for about 6-7 months... never officially ended things.. they just progressed. i thought things were over, he'd contact me, and i ask why, and he goes off on me, asking why im asking that he's contacting me. blah blah blah. now, is no contact too harsh? i know it is a great tool to get over people with.. i just feel that it is a harsh way to just totally cut off a person. especially after you shared so much with them. i want to stop talking to him, but i care about him so much that i want to know what is going on with him, i want to talk to him, hear his voice, etc. and i know this is the part of me that still cares about him talking, but still... i just feel it is harsh way to go when you still care and have cared so much for a person for any period of time.
sedgwick Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 It is. It sucks. I haven't talked to my ex since Aug 29 and it's still hard every day. But I just feel like if he left me, if he "wasn't sure," if he "needed to be single," then fine, he's single. I am 100% gone. If he doesn't want to be with me, he doesn't get to know what happens in my life, and it is none of my business what happens in his. He knows where I live. If he wants me back he'll come find me. The only words I would accept from him at this point are "I love you and I want to be with you." Otherwise it's too hard to know him. We had an intense intellectual connection and physical attraction. If he doesn't know what he's missing, or doesn't care, then he doesn't get to be part of my life at all. It hurts every day, but it would hurt more to know. If he's with someone else, I don't want to know about it.
BalancenLuv20 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I am going to speak from a guy's perspective by saying that I didn't want to "just be friends' with my ex-gf of a year and a half after we broke up. It's either we date or it's nothing at all there is no in-between. I just don't like feeling "second best" to someone who once considered me the love of their life. I do still talk to one of my ex-gf's and we have a great time now, but that's because that r-ship ended several years ago and both of us were out of contact up until recently. I just think it's unhealthy keeping in contact. I started constantly thinking about what my ex was doing, why she wasn't calling me or iming me when she said she would, if there were any guys that came in the picture, etc. I'd call her and be pissed at her, "You said you were gonna call soon, but the whole weekend went by and I heard nothing from you." I was just wasting my energy on someone who might've cared, but certainly wasn't gonna go out on a whim to be in touch with me every second. Things might be ok between you talking for a few days and then one of you will say something that will just trigger that rush of pain and hurt. I remember after that happened, things just weren't the same and I realized being friends wasn't going to work. You can give it a try, but be WARNED!!
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 it shouldn't really be considered 'harsh' as it's not meant to be used as punishment for the one who ended it, but rather a means of acceptance and a way to move on more cleanly for the one who was let go.
carolinaboy Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 with what these people said wholeheartedly. its not too harsh to go NC, its just "is this realistic?" there are usually too many awkward silences and wondering what to say and what not to say. it's kind of like pretending nothing from the initial romance to the crazy end ever happened, which is bs, cos you cant get TOO intimate or TOO forgetful. either way will hurt you. im finding the obvious out which is that it is never too hard for the dumper. unfortunately, most of the people (including myself) on here are the dumpees. they get the vacation from the relationship/friendship, we get the cleanup. all i ever say is, do what you know you wont regret.
WhySkyCastles Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I think NC is harsh but it is necessary for really strong bonds. The problem comes in when someone breaks of contact without actually saying that NC is what they are going to do, and the reasons for it. If you were in a 9 month relationship that was going EXTREMELY well and you both shared your love with each other, then something is not the same and the one person mysteriously disappears or says "I'm sorry, I don't have time for you." and then disappears. ---This is very immature and screwed up as it means they really couldn't care for you. If they really cared for you and loved you as much as they said, they would tell you that it would be best not to contact each other, that it would be the best for both of you to know exactly what you are missing. You'd both be on the same page when you break up, and should both understand why it will be necessary. And if the feelings are not strong enough after that, then you both know that it was the right thing to do... and that you can both move on without any extra hurt. Some people couldn't care to spend this effort... at least then you know how they really felt about you.
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I think NC is harsh but it is necessary for really strong bonds. The problem comes in when someone breaks of contact without actually saying that NC is what they are going to do, and the reasons for it. But some people are incapable of understanding the reasons for it. I've had girls dump me and think "you're being immature" when I calmly told them on multiple occassions "the reason I can't be in contact with you right now is because I want a relationship with you and it will be too difficult. I need some time and space so I can heal, not because I am angry with you or hate you, not because of you at all, but FOR ME, so I can detach and move on. I can't be your friend until I can look at you with no attraction or desire, so I'm asking you, please give me that space. When I feel I can be friends, I will seek you out. If you don't understand or have any questions why I need this, this is your chance and I will gladly answer them." "That's just silly. There's no reason we can't be friends." No Contact is not best for everyone, and you are allowed lapses in contacting your ex. It's just that in general, before you have any kind of "friendship," you need to separate. Sometimes dumpers do not understand this because it makes them feel rejected. Anyone who has been dumped or done the dumping 50/50 several times realizes that if you dump someone, while you care about that person and want the good things about them in your life, all you are really doing is assuaging your own guilt for hurting them.
WhySkyCastles Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I agree with oppath, I had to tell someone the same thing, and at the time it was hard for me to explain, because I felt so strongly towards them. But some people are incapable of understanding the reasons for it. That is because they might not have learned the reasons for it in their past experiences. Someone, somewhere, has to explain to them why its necessary, or they have to read about why it is necessary. You did the right thing trying to explain it to them, at least you said something and not nothing before starting NC, it shows you actually cared.
carrotgirl Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 all i ever say is, do what you know you wont regret. This is the best bit of advice anyone can give. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and your decisions. This is your life and even the crummy bits are woven into the whole of you. If NC is what you must have, then so be it. If NC is not right for you, that's just as valid, and so be it. Carrot
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