Gwyneth Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 My married friend is currently cheating on his wife with a former gf. He and his wife have two children. Anyway, I asked him to please consider his children before he goes and has an affair with his hot ex gf from 20 years ago. He and wife have been having problems for quite some time now. He says that the children will be fine and that it would be better for them if he and his wife were not married and fighting all the time. Thing is, there is no separation yet and yet he is cheating on his wife and children. I don't get that at all. Children are about 5 and 9 years old--old enough to know that mom and dad are having problems.
reboot Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Hey OB, While I agree that there are SOME BSs like that, there are also many who are not. I'm not going to list names here - I might inadvertantly leave someone out and cause hard feelings - but I've found that besides a few who are either too emotional to engage rationally or just on permanent PMS, most are decent human beings who reciprocate respect with respect and can be constructive even while disagreeing. But then, some OW posting here can be toxic too, and not just in self-defence. I think many of the BSs who post here come to have a closer look at that strange creature, the OP, who "did" that to their M, to get some kind of insight or closure, and then find themselves drawn into the conversations because they can relate in some way. (OK, yes, some just see an opportunity to restate the same old mantra, but I suppose that's also a symptom of where they are, and how unheard they feel in other aspects of their lives). And, in some cases, the perspective they share sheds a different light on the situation, which can be helpful.OW, that was a very nice post. Thank you. It's nice to hear someone tell the truth about what goes on here.
OpenBook Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Openbook, I came to LS a long time ago looking for advice from the other women here. I gained alot of insight and truth, which is what I sought. I made alot of friends with the OW's here. I did not come seeking to "bash" or belittle those who I asked the questions of. I was told truth, with the ows not holding anything back and I appreciated it more than you will ever know, even if sometimes I didn't like what I was told. So please don't place all bs under the same blanket. Just like OW, we are all not alike. Justice, I stand corrected. I did make a blanket statement, speculative though it was. It was not an accurate statement, and I apologize. BUT when I read something intelligent, respectful, thoughtful, and straightfoward that isn't dripping with sarcasm, attitude, or hostility...well I freaking L I S T E N to the dang thing...imagine that!!! A-MEN JMC!! Love you too honey! :D
justice Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Justice, I stand corrected. I did make a blanket statement, speculative though it was. It was not an accurate statement, and I apologize. A-MEN JMC!! Love you too honey! :D It's all cool.
OWoman Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I am emotionally fine. I do have a problem with the OW who seem to use any and everyone(children) to get what ever it is they want. I just think that some things and people should be off limits when destroying lives. O.k. so the BS supposedly is this horrible banshee from hell who drove her man away, so what did the kids do for dad to spend less time and energy with them. That is the only time I get emotional and pissed off. <offtopicalert>Bent, paradoxically this isn't always the case. I've noticed in several of my As the MM actually lands up spending MORE time with the kids during the A, usually out of guilt. (These guys also tend to be the ones who start becoming attentive to their BWs, too.) My current MM works slightly differently. He's become closer to his kids as they've gotten older - they're teens - and is far closer to them than his W is, and our R has given him the opportunity and perspective to reflect with them on family stuff, allowing the kind of open and honest conversations he'd never have considered having with them. And yes, had I not been on the scene, those conversations would still have been necessary. </offtopicalert>
OWoman Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Did he spend as much time with them when they were younger, or did the bulk of that job fall to the wife? Did he wait until he could deal with them, or was he there the whole time? apologies for the threadjack, but to respond: He didn't want kids - and neither, originally, did his W - they'd agreed that at the outset. Then she suddenly hit bio clock stage and wanted wanted wanted and he was still not keen, so she did the expected and stopped taking the pill, and fell pregnant. And from there it was easier - "two is easier than one"... He was always there and did all the stuff like nappies and bottles and playing and reading and all that, but only when his W let him near them as she was very smothering around them, wouldn't let even the grandparents hold them, and criticised everything anyone else did "you're holding him wrong!" "You shouldn't read her that" etc if they did get near. Including him. He always felt like an outsider around them because of that. As they've gotten older they've pulled away from their mother and sought him out. And now that they're teens - well, I'm sure you know what teens are like!
noforgiveness Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 apologies for the threadjack, but to respond: He didn't want kids - and neither, originally, did his W - they'd agreed that at the outset. Then she suddenly hit bio clock stage and wanted wanted wanted and he was still not keen, so she did the expected and stopped taking the pill, and fell pregnant. And from there it was easier - "two is easier than one"... He was always there and did all the stuff like nappies and bottles and playing and reading and all that, but only when his W let him near them as she was very smothering around them, wouldn't let even the grandparents hold them, and criticised everything anyone else did "you're holding him wrong!" "You shouldn't read her that" etc if they did get near. Including him. He always felt like an outsider around them because of that. As they've gotten older they've pulled away from their mother and sought him out. And now that they're teens - well, I'm sure you know what teens are like! Gosh weren't you just bragging yesterday that the married man you are with with has never said a bad thing about his wife? Wow he even went as far back to trash how they had kids and how awful she was to people when they were babies. That's some serious trashing. What an ass this guy is.
OWoman Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Gosh weren't you just bragging yesterday that the married man you are with with has never said a bad thing about his wife? Wow he even went as far back to trash how they had kids and how awful she was to people when they were babies. That's some serious trashing. What an ass this guy is. Gosh, wouldn't it help if you read just a little more carefully? Where did I say in any of this that HE had said these things? What asses people who jump to conclusions without checking facts first are!
OWoman Posted December 9, 2007 Posted December 9, 2007 I must admit that I was pretty smothering too, since I had such difficult pregnancies. So I'm not sure I could hold that against her. As far being an involved dad, Mr. Messy Pants was for awhile, when they were younger, but as they grew and their needs grew, he left most of that to me. So I always wonder how much involvement MM really have with their children or is it what they think they have done. Just a reoccurring thought. Bent I can't speak for my current MM - I've known him only with older kids - but some previous MMs of my acquaintance, as well as Hs of friends, etc who have (or had, when I knew them that have since grown) smaller kids.... well, some do, some don't. They're all different. One guy's wife had pretty band PND so he had to be father and mother to each of the kids (they have 3) until she could bear to touch them - usually once they were out of nappies, walking and talking and almost ready to graduate school - as well as being there for his W, trying to connect her with reality, dragging her off to doctors and counsellors and friends and family. Yet he STILL found time for an OW.
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