Support thread got me thinking ....

[virginiagirl]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a couple of weeks trying to figure out where I should read and post. I've been an OW in the past but now I'm divorced and my guy is also single so I suppose I'm not "technically" an OW. I've learned lots from reading all the boards but I'm not sure I understand the way this forum works . If the moderators don't mind I'd like to ask a few questions and maybe we can even have a good discussion on the topic!!!

 

I see many betrayed spouses in the threads here and I wanted to borrow a page from Owl's "what is support" thread but in this case I have questions for the BS who post here:

 

What exactly are you looking for when you post here?

 

Are you looking to bash/educate people who are in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you objectively looking to understand the viewpoints of those in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you looking for advice from the other side of the fence?

 

And finally to quote the previous thread:

"Bottom line...what is it...exactly...that you're hoping to find by posting? What do you hope to gain from your time spent here

 

Thanks and nice to meet y'all

[IWALH]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a couple of weeks trying to figure out where I should read and post. I've been an OW in the past but now I'm divorced and my guy is also single so I suppose I'm not "technically" an OW. I've learned lots from reading all the boards but I'm not sure I understand the way this forum works . If the moderators don't mind I'd like to ask a few questions and maybe we can even have a good discussion on the topic!!!

 

I see many betrayed spouses in the threads here and I wanted to borrow a page from Owl's "what is support" thread but in this case I have questions for the BS who post here:

 

What exactly are you looking for when you post here?

 

Are you looking to bash/educate people who are in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you objectively looking to understand the viewpoints of those in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you looking for advice from the other side of the fence?

 

And finally to quote the previous thread:

"Bottom line...what is it...exactly...that you're hoping to find by posting? What do you hope to gain from your time spent here

 

Thanks and nice to meet y'all

 

You know, I've wondered the same exact thing.

 

Are you from the south? I am assuming you are, from the "y'all" and such. Welcome to LS!

[OpenBook]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a couple of weeks trying to figure out where I should read and post. I've been an OW in the past but now I'm divorced and my guy is also single so I suppose I'm not "technically" an OW. I've learned lots from reading all the boards but I'm not sure I understand the way this forum works . If the moderators don't mind I'd like to ask a few questions and maybe we can even have a good discussion on the topic!!!

 

I see many betrayed spouses in the threads here and I wanted to borrow a page from Owl's "what is support" thread but in this case I have questions for the BS who post here:

 

What exactly are you looking for when you post here?

 

Are you looking to bash/educate people who are in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you objectively looking to understand the viewpoints of those in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you looking for advice from the other side of the fence?

 

And finally to quote the previous thread:

"Bottom line...what is it...exactly...that you're hoping to find by posting? What do you hope to gain from your time spent here

 

Thanks and nice to meet y'all

 

I love it, virginiagirl! Great thread! Of course, I'm not surprised you haven't received many responses. The BS's figure, "These OW's are deceiving others in my shoes - so why should I be up-front with them?"

 

But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, I always say... So I'll speculate --

 

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

The ironic thing is... IT'S NOT WORKING. They are hurting no one but themselves. It makes them look sad and pathetic. And the very person they really need to take their issues up with - THEIR H'S - is... unavailable, I can only assume.

 

Again, this is my speculation, from what I have gleaned from their vituperative posts. If I am wrong, I would be interested in hearing why.

[Tony T]

This thread is eerily similar to another one recently posted: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t137804/ I guess after all this time we ought to get clear on these issues.

[jj2007]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been lurking for a couple of weeks trying to figure out where I should read and post. I've been an OW in the past but now I'm divorced and my guy is also single so I suppose I'm not "technically" an OW. I've learned lots from reading all the boards but I'm not sure I understand the way this forum works . If the moderators don't mind I'd like to ask a few questions and maybe we can even have a good discussion on the topic!!!

 

I see many betrayed spouses in the threads here and I wanted to borrow a page from Owl's "what is support" thread but in this case I have questions for the BS who post here:

 

What exactly are you looking for when you post here?

 

Are you looking to bash/educate people who are in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you objectively looking to understand the viewpoints of those in affairs with MM/MW?

 

Are you looking for advice from the other side of the fence?

 

And finally to quote the previous thread:

"Bottom line...what is it...exactly...that you're hoping to find by posting? What do you hope to gain from your time spent here

 

Thanks and nice to meet y'all

 

I first came to this site after my H had an affair and I wanted to see what goes through the mind of OW. I wanted to know why they feel the way they do and why they think it is ok to be in a relationship with other people's husbands. I still haven't figured that out. I probably never will. I do like reading here because it is interesting. I post here when questions are asked that I feel I could contribute to or if I want to state my opinion. I also find that when it is slow at my work, LS is a good way to pass the time.

 

Nice to meet you too! Welcome!

[serial muse]

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

 

 

I can't deny that there are people who post angry, bitter, cruel things here. But of course this isn't true of ALL the BS who come here.

 

I originally came here, years ago, to try to understand what might be going on in the mind of the OW in my case. I still post occasionally because it's difficult to read assumptions about "the BS thinks" and "the BS is" without chiming in to point out that, like OW, all BS are not alike. And sometimes OW ask about what's going on in a BS mind - those are the threads (like this one) that I respond to. Seems logical to me.

[jj2007]

 

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

That could be true for some BS's but not me. My H gets exactly what he deserves. I scream, I yell, and sometimes I am just a b!!ch to him and he understands. He says, "do what you have to do to get it out!" I'm not saying I do this all the time, but any BS will tell you some days are better than others with dealing with the pain. My H is 100% to blame for the affair and the OW in my case is 100% to blame for her affair and sleeping with a MM. She is also on my sh!!t list because she called me every name in the book, called me at my job harassing me,and followed me to work a few times when I never did a thing to her. I have learned from some of the OW on here that you can learn from your mistakes and live a better life because of it. I have also learned that some women just prefer being with a MM because they don't want the whole package, they just want the fun but they could still find that with a single guy. Then there are some OW who do what they want and they don't care who gets hurt in the process. I guess it just bothers me because affairs cause a ripple effect of pain and suffering and it could have been avoided if it wasn't for the MM and OW or MW and OM. Plus I am a big believer in treating people the way you want to be treated and I wont get involved with someone married and I would like that same respect.

[noforgiveness]

Hi everyone,

 

What exactly are you looking for when you post here?

I was looking for an understanding of people who choose to do this to another. I came into this forum by accident. I was looking for support with infidelity and the ow was my best friend so I posted here first and got bashed something fierced.. I was teased and harrasses that my husband was with her right then etc etc. The ow were relentless in their anger towards me. I could not believe there were women like this. I found it fascinating and I still do. It is so against anything I believe in

 

Are you looking to bash/educate people who are in affairs with MM/MW?

When I first came here no. I was looking to educate myself about affairs. Find out their little secrets and so forth. Now possibly. I hate when I read a story of a young naive woman wasting her life waiting for her prince charming who's a toad. I just want to shake them till they wakeup. Bashing sometimes when it is an ow who is proud of her status as an ow. How could you be proud knowing that your relationship is based on lies and will leave behind a trail of destruction to innocent children.

 

Are you objectively looking to understand the viewpoints of those in affairs with MM/MW?

yes

 

Are you looking for advice from the other side of the fence?

no just insight.

 

And finally to quote the previous thread:

"Bottom line...what is it...exactly...that you're hoping to find by posting? What do you hope to gain from your time spent here

lately entertainment value. Like watching the jerry springer show. Shock often that people really are involved in this and really are willing to sneak around and have stolen moments with a man. Surprise that they don't see this man for what he is.

 

Thanks and nice to meet y'all

 

Nice to meet you too.

[noforgiveness]

I love it, virginiagirl! Great thread! Of course, I'm not surprised you haven't received many responses. The BS's figure, "These OW's are deceiving others in my shoes - so why should I be up-front with them?"

 

But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, I always say... So I'll speculate --

 

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

The ironic thing is... IT'S NOT WORKING. They are hurting no one but themselves. It makes them look sad and pathetic. And the very person they really need to take their issues up with - THEIR H'S - is... unavailable, I can only assume.

 

Again, this is my speculation, from what I have gleaned from their vituperative posts. If I am wrong, I would be interested in hearing why.

 

wow bitter much? project much?

[Owl]

If I had to guess, the reason that she hasn't had many responses was most likely caused by the fact that she posted this thread late at night.

 

I post here (and on other forums) with the sole purpose of helping someone to deal with the same kind of situation I went through. Most of the time, they're not 'armed' with much knowledge on how these situations play out. They don't realize that there really ISN'T anything 'unique' about their situation...its the same script that thousands and thousands (or more likely, millions and millions) of other people have gone through. Just because someone's name is Hubert in this situation doesn't change the basic dynamics of the relationships involved.

 

Having been through it from my perspective, and having spent a lot of time trying to learn more about how all of this works, why people do the things they do, etc... I have a different perspective than most of the people that are actually engaged in the situation.

 

I come here, and try to post so that whoever is posting here can gain an understanding of the dynamics of what's going on, so that they can see all THREE sides of the triangle they're engaged in, and can hopefully work through to a resolution that benefits all three.

 

I'm not here to bash, fight, persecute, etc...

[virginiagirl]

I'm back !!!Thanks for the welcome greetings from everybody, and TonyT you are correct, this thread is simply the mirror image of the thread from Owl asking why OM/OW post here. I searched the previous threads and could not find any explanations about BS posting here.

 

So far BS seem to be saying they are looking for insight into the minds of OW even if they don't agree. I totally understand that because I often visit political forums with a different viewpoint just so I can understand those who think differently from me. On the other hand, I really don't expect that I will convert anyone to my point of view or vice versa, so it's really just for my own understanding.

 

Bent it's nice that you pray for people who are hurting. I always hope that all involved can find the peace and happiness they deserve and I have no preconceived notions about how that should look.

 

I have to say the bashing posts confuse and frustrate me. I'm not confused about why BS are bitter, but just about what they hope to gain by posting it here. Noforgiveness said she sometimes feels the need to bash those who are proud of their OW status (I haven't got the quote thing down yet). Is the venting at nameless/faceless people therapeutic in any way, or are you actually hoping your vent will change the OW mind?

[noforgiveness]

I'm hoping it will wake them up and see how horrible their attitude and selfishness is and how what they do does affect other people.

[virginiagirl]

Owl I like your perspective. I can tell that you clearly think the best resolution is the one where the OW/OM walk away from their married partners, but you're pretty respectful about it and I think the people here can sense that even though they obviously think something different. Noforgiveness, please don't think I'm picking on you it's just you were honest enough to answer and I appreciate that. So my question to you is do you honestly think a vent from a BS in the OW/OM forum will cause someone to change their mind? It's just too easy to dismiss as the words of a "bitter" BS because of the way it's delivered. It's kind of like me going into a marriage forum and venting about the MM who won't leave his wife (I just know someone will flame me for that comparison).

[noforgiveness]

I don't know. If just one message gets through to someone then it's worth a try is it not?

 

I have read a few ow posters who haven't gotten out of their situation because of reading here. It was prob. an ow who woke her up but I'm sure the dialog of the bs does help to continue the discussions and make the ow think more as they are responding.

 

It does make me nuts when a poster says oh that's just becuase you are a bitter bs. No that often is not true. These affairs are frowned on by most of society and kept secret. Ow's don't announce their situations to their families and some friends because they know how they will be looked at. It's not just bs's who hold these opinions.

[Owl]

I would say that the vast majority of the time, my answer would be that I do feel its better for all three parties if the OP 'walked away'. As a matter of fact, that's the exact phrase I used to OM in my situation.

 

I also feel that not all marriages can or should be saved. But that's impossible to determine while an affair is going on. An affair skews the situation so greatly that ending the affair has to be the FIRST step to determine what really needs to happen in most situations. While engaged in an affair, the WS normally fights to maintain BOTH relationships, and refuses to consider anything further than that.

 

And given that the WS is so mentally "checked out" during an affair, anything he tells the OP during the affair about that marriage is HIGHLY suspect at best. They lie to their spouse, they lie to the OP, and they ESPECIALLY lie to themselves most of all. Its how they justify to themselves what they're doing.

 

If the marriage ends...well, THEN the WS is free to establish further relationships with whomever they chose.

[justice]

I love it, virginiagirl! Great thread! Of course, I'm not surprised you haven't received many responses. The BS's figure, "These OW's are deceiving others in my shoes - so why should I be up-front with them?"

 

But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, I always say... So I'll speculate --

 

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

The ironic thing is... IT'S NOT WORKING. They are hurting no one but themselves. It makes them look sad and pathetic. And the very person they really need to take their issues up with - THEIR H'S - is... unavailable, I can only assume.

 

Again, this is my speculation, from what I have gleaned from their vituperative posts. If I am wrong, I would be interested in hearing why.

 

 

Openbook, I came to LS a long time ago looking for advice from the other women here. I gained alot of insight and truth, which is what I sought. I made alot of friends with the OW's here. I did not come seeking to "bash" or belittle those who I asked the questions of. I was told truth, with the ows not holding anything back and I appreciated it more than you will ever know, even if sometimes I didn't like what I was told. So please don't place all bs under the same blanket. Just like OW, we are all not alike.

[OWoman]

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

Hey OB,

 

While I agree that there are SOME BSs like that, there are also many who are not. I'm not going to list names here - I might inadvertantly leave someone out and cause hard feelings - but I've found that besides a few who are either too emotional to engage rationally or just on permanent PMS, most are decent human beings who reciprocate respect with respect and can be constructive even while disagreeing.

 

But then, some OW posting here can be toxic too, and not just in self-defence.

 

I think many of the BSs who post here come to have a closer look at that strange creature, the OP, who "did" that to their M, to get some kind of insight or closure, and then find themselves drawn into the conversations because they can relate in some way. (OK, yes, some just see an opportunity to restate the same old mantra, but I suppose that's also a symptom of where they are, and how unheard they feel in other aspects of their lives). And, in some cases, the perspective they share sheds a different light on the situation, which can be helpful.

[JMC]

I love it, virginiagirl! Great thread! Of course, I'm not surprised you haven't received many responses. The BS's figure, "These OW's are deceiving others in my shoes - so why should I be up-front with them?"

 

But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, I always say... So I'll speculate --

 

The primary reason why BS's post in the OM/OW forum is to exorcise their demons out on the OW posters here. They cannot get angry at their H's because they're trying to work it out with him - and I'll wager the H is totally fed up with their b*tchfest and has told them "If you don't like it, get out." So where do they vent all this anger? Here on a public, anonymous forum seems to be the safest bet.

 

The BS's have absolutely no interest in receiving advice from the OW. The only thing they're interested in obtaining from the OW is her public display of remorse and humility. The more we beat ourselves up, the kinder and gentler the BS's posts are to us. If we do not show the appropriate amount of remorse (deemed by them, of course), the BS's become hell-bent on maiming and destroying what is left of the OW's self-esteem.

 

The ironic thing is... IT'S NOT WORKING. They are hurting no one but themselves. It makes them look sad and pathetic. And the very person they really need to take their issues up with - THEIR H'S - is... unavailable, I can only assume.

 

Again, this is my speculation, from what I have gleaned from their vituperative posts. If I am wrong, I would be interested in hearing why.

 

God I love you Open Book!

 

Aside from loving what you wrote, I'm really coming to like some people on here. I feel a strong kinship with some of you that I haven't experienced online in a very long time, if ever.

 

I wish I could even meet a few of you. I'm wondering if what we have in common (this OW/M issue thing) bonds us stronger than some other things might, cuz I am definitely feeling it.

[JMC]

That could be true for some BS's but not me. My H gets exactly what he deserves. I scream, I yell, and sometimes I am just a b!!ch to him and he understands. He says, "do what you have to do to get it out!" I'm not saying I do this all the time, but any BS will tell you some days are better than others with dealing with the pain. My H is 100% to blame for the affair and the OW in my case is 100% to blame for her affair and sleeping with a MM. She is also on my sh!!t list because she called me every name in the book, called me at my job harassing me,and followed me to work a few times when I never did a thing to her. I have learned from some of the OW on here that you can learn from your mistakes and live a better life because of it. I have also learned that some women just prefer being with a MM because they don't want the whole package, they just want the fun but they could still find that with a single guy. Then there are some OW who do what they want and they don't care who gets hurt in the process. I guess it just bothers me because affairs cause a ripple effect of pain and suffering and it could have been avoided if it wasn't for the MM and OW or MW and OM. Plus I am a big believer in treating people the way you want to be treated and I wont get involved with someone married and I would like that same respect.

 

jj2007....there's something about the way you wrote and expressed yourself that I really like. Maybe cuz you express yourself to your H is why you don't seem overflowing with hostility here A T A L L.

 

See, because you wrote so objectively, I as an OW, am far more inclined to listen to what you say. And I am definitely thinking about what you said.

 

That old adage is totally right, that how people say things is very important in getting things across to others.

[jj2007]

jj2007....there's something about the way you wrote and expressed yourself that I really like. Maybe cuz you express yourself to your H is why you don't seem overflowing with hostility here A T A L L.

 

See, because you wrote so objectively, I as an OW, am far more inclined to listen to what you say. And I am definitely thinking about what you said.

 

That old adage is totally right, that how people say things is very important in getting things across to others.

 

Thanks!

I don't know your story or situation but I wish you the best of luck!

[JMC]

Openbook, I came to LS a long time ago looking for advice from the other women here. I gained alot of insight and truth, which is what I sought. I made alot of friends with the OW's here. I did not come seeking to "bash" or belittle those who I asked the questions of. I was told truth, with the ows not holding anything back and I appreciated it more than you will ever know, even if sometimes I didn't like what I was told. So please don't place all bs under the same blanket. Just like OW, we are all not alike.

 

Justice, I'm so glad you pointed that out (your last sentences). I want to have some good, informative discourse with BS's. I didn't know they weren't all waiting to claw my eyes out (shoot, before I came on this board I've never even had contact with any).

 

Looking forward to discussion with you and others in your mindset.

[OWoman]

I want to have some good, informative discourse with BS's. I didn't know they weren't all waiting to claw my eyes out

 

Don't worry JMC, you'll find out quickly who does discourse and who does clawing...

[JMC]

Don't worry JMC, you'll find out quickly who does discourse and who does clawing...

 

LOLLLL!!!!

 

But really, the funny thing is, when I feel pure hostility and meanness directed towards me, I'm human and I feel mean back.

 

BUT when I read something intelligent, respectful, thoughtful, and straightfoward that isn't dripping with sarcasm, attitude, or hostility...well I freaking L I S T E N to the dang thing...imagine that!!!

 

Like jj2007 and Justice, and Owl too....what they wrote in this thread is now brewing in my head. I am now thinking about how my MM's family really is affected by all this.

 

Course, it could also be that I'm more ready because more time has gone by, but still.

[justice]

Justice, I'm so glad you pointed that out (your last sentences). I want to have some good, informative discourse with BS's. I didn't know they weren't all waiting to claw my eyes out (shoot, before I came on this board I've never even had contact with any).

 

Looking forward to discussion with you and others in your mindset.

 

 

YW. I'm no longer a bs because I'm divorced, but I'll be glad to answer you as honestly and as candidly as I can. Also feel free to pm me.

[Gwyneth]

I too would like to know why BSs are in here when they are only further hurting and aggravating themselves by reading what OW are saying (or OM). I don't think this is really a place--emotionally--for BSs.