fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I got a situation. Guy asked me to watch a movie at his place this Saturday night and well without really thinking through it I said yes (conversation was via phone). But thing is, it's only date #3 and I'm not going to do anything more than makeout. So now I regret it. What should I do? Should I: 1)Just go and if he makes a move explain I don’t want to go further. 2)Avoid going by explaining to him that I'm not ready to go to his place and suggest a movie at a theatre instead (but ofcourse he will be annoyed at this plan change). But at least he wont get his hopes up high. Help needed as I want to call him about this tonight! Thanks.
Krytie TV Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I vote hands down for DO NOT go. Too soon. You lose all sexual anticipation if you go over there. Let it build more. Give it another 2 weeks or so. That's when it gets really fun.
blue.butterfly Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I agree with Krytie. I'm not saying this is always the case, but I've learned that "You wanna watch a movie at my/your place" often translates to "You wanna get it on?" I would definitely go to a theater. Just make it seem like you really want to see a movie that isn't on DVD yet if that helps. Having to explain you don't want to go further at this point may be awkward.
Author fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Ok i wont go but how do i explain? He might think I'm flakey unless im honest with him n explain why i choose to not go to his place. But explaining is awkward. ugh. confusing.
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Actually, I would pick a movie you want to see and say "I really really want to see this movie, so rather than watch one at your place, would you like to go see it with me?"
blue.butterfly Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Exactly. Then he's most likely going to feel good about the fact that he has a chance to please you, and join you in doing something that you really want to do.
Author fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Yea i thought bout what oppath said except the bad part is that he actually SPECIFIED a particular dvd he wanted to watch, so he will think im being bossy for changing the plans. Maybe I will do that then just *hint* at my reason for doing it?
Sunblast Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Follow men's advice on this, because with all the women trying to figure men out, they obviously don't know. If you like this guy and wanna keep him interested, call and explain. Say that you maybe wanna make out but no more than that, and if he's cool with that you can come over. And say, if he says he's cool with it but tries pushing it further you'll feel like he lied and you wouldn't hang out with him anymore. This way you see a movie, get to make out, and get to see how this guy deals with limits set by you. ** By the way, "see a movie at a theatre instead" = "I am not sexually interested." Friend zone. What normal guy will wanna go out with you after that??
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Follow men's advice on this, because with all the women trying to figure men out, they obviously don't know. If you like this guy and wanna keep him interested, call and explain. Say that you maybe wanna make out but no more than that, and if he's cool with that you can come over. And say, if he says he's cool with it but tries pushing it further you'll feel like he lied and you wouldn't hang out with him anymore. This way you see a movie, get to make out, and get to see how this guy deals with limits set by you. ** By the way, "see a movie at a theatre instead" = "I am not sexually interested." Friend zone. What normal guy will wanna go out with you after that?? Not if it is a date. It's Saturday night. Say "I really want to see movie...ohh, and we can do dinner before. A dinner and a movie date!" I'd be more than willing to go out on an actual date saturday night if a girl asked. I'd honestly prefer it to sitting at home watching a DVD. It does not suggest disinterest. An afternoon matinee would, but not a date.
blue.butterfly Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Fray, listen to Krytie and Oppath. They are guys. What Sunblast's post translates to to me is - Go ahead and put yourself in a situation where you may be uncomfortable. But hey, if he pushes it too far then at least you know he doesn't respect your limits. Just because you ask him to go to a theater does NOT throw him in the friend zone! At the very least, you can explain why you would like to go to theater. You can also say you're really interested, but just not comfortable watching movies at his place yet. If he chooses to go to the theater THAT shows he respects your limits.
wizer Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Honesty can sometimes work really well, believe it or not. How about "I've been thinking about it, and I am just not comfortable going back to your place after our 3rd date. Let's catch a movie out this time, and leave the 'at home movie watching' for another time.
littlepiggy1 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Bring a hot friend and just let things happen. Then post vids.
scratch Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I got a situation. Guy asked me to watch a movie at his place this Saturday night and well without really thinking through it I said yes (conversation was via phone). But thing is, it's only date #3 and I'm not going to do anything more than makeout. So now I regret it. What should I do? Should I: 1)Just go and if he makes a move explain I don’t want to go further. 2)Avoid going by explaining to him that I'm not ready to go to his place and suggest a movie at a theatre instead (but ofcourse he will be annoyed at this plan change). But at least he wont get his hopes up high. Help needed as I want to call him about this tonight! Thanks. This is a tricky situation. If it makes you feel any better, you didn't really exacerbate the problem by initially agreeing to go to his house. The fact is, guys don't like to have our suggestions nixed, regardless of the circumstances. Here are three alternative suggestions for you: 1. If you ask for an outside date, be proactive about paying. If I suggest staying in and she asks to go out, having to pay makes me feel like she's more about the activity than spending time with me. It still might come off as insulting, but you can't un-ring a bell. 2. Invite him to your house instead, because you're cooking dinner. You can control the physical situation a lot better, or have the people with whom you live (if applicable) stay nearby. 3. Go to his house, and when it gets to your stopping point, shut him down in a positive way. I have a girl who does this; we fool around, and when it goes as far as she likes, she pulls away, sighs and says "whew," and we take a break. This is dangerous if you don't trust the guy to stop, but other than that, it's the closest either of you can get to an ideal outcome.
Author fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Ok I'm going to listen to you guys and suggest the movie theater I really appreciate all the feedback. You know, I really LOVE loveshack! btw, anyone know any good movies out right now? I prefer comedies but anything good is good too =).
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 This is a tricky situation. If it makes you feel any better, you didn't really exacerbate the problem by initially agreeing to go to his house. The fact is, guys don't like to have our suggestions nixed, regardless of the circumstances. Here are three alternative suggestions for you: 1. If you ask for an outside date, be proactive about paying. If I suggest staying in and she asks to go out, having to pay makes me feel like she's more about the activity than spending time with me. It still might come off as insulting, but you can't un-ring a bell. I would say if this is the 3rd date, and he's forked out money on the first two, it's time for you to pony up and treat him anyway. I don't think anything needs to be explained to him about you being uncomfortable. Maybe go to icecream before or after. You plan the date, and be prepared to treat him. That signals interest. It wouldn't insult me on a 3rd date to go out...it would if I had paid for the first two and I pay for all of the third. In fact, I have a 3 date rule on that...I expect the woman to at least say "let me get the movie tickets since you bought dinner" if not outright say "you are my guest tonight." But bottom line is, you don't have to accept anything that makes you uncomfortable. As a guy, I would take no offense to a woman saying "you know, how about we save that DVD for another time. XYZ movie is out and I've really been wanting to see it. Will you go with me?" If a guy is interested he will not feel rejected or disappointed.
Krytie TV Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Excellent idea oppath. Fray, treat him to the movie at the theater. If you're concerned about giving him the impression you're uninterested, then just make sure you don't. There are hundreds of subtle ways to make it clear to a guy that are not in the "friend zone" that don't require you to make out with him. Touching, squeezing, that kinda thing. As far as how, just do it. There is no "trick" to this. If a girl called me before a third date and told me she was concerned about coming over and wanted to treat me to a movie, I would gladly go. Especially if she gave some indication along the way that there was romantic interest. But then, I wouldn't invite a girl over to my house on the third date.
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 But then, I wouldn't invite a girl over to my house on the third date. True, but I'd try to invite her in afterwards Maybe I'd have her over to cook dinner but then we'd go do something. Then...who knows!
popey Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 as usual (though i've been busy and out for awhile) i agree with Opath. no biggie. you shouldn't do something you're not comfortable with. Just say, you really want to go see X movie, and you want to treat him anyway. if that's not cool with him w/o explanation, good to know now, and therefor he's not worth it. btw, IMO, the issue is not that its dat #3, but what you want and are comfortable with.
Author fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 k i called n said stuff like i'd probably be more comfortable watching a movie in a theater for now but we can do the movie at his place another time n i suggested a movie....n he was prob disappointed but said 'yea thats cool' n he said 'thats ok, i dont want to...rush anything'... So guys, what's your take on 'rush anything'? Does that say anything about a guy at all? *gosh, i hope he's not reading this!*
Author fray718 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 also, i debated as to whether i'd mention the more comfortable in theater for now...but i mean i dont want to come off as bossy...this is a guy who thinks he might be 'too nice'....i want him to know im not just using him for attention/free dinner/etc...and yes ofcourse i will pay for this date...i can be too nice at times myself.
Sunblast Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 No WONDER why people on LS are mostly single -- they listen to other LS'ers' advice. This girl is gonna tell this guy about the movie, he will see she is "one of those girls" who looks at men like she can't have them over alone because men "can't be trusted" and he will get that. THAT'S a good foundation. Sheesh. EDIT: OP, he's reading it; come on; he sounds like a guy who'd visit LS. =)
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Fray, it's cool. Just put your hands in his lap at the theatre or hold his hand. If you demonstrate that even though you are more comfortable moving things physically slow, that you are still romantically interested in him, it will be fine. Mixed signals start when you won't make out with him, won't hold his hand, and aren't pursuing him too. I think you should do all three of those things on this date if you are feeling it. That doesn't mean you need to snog on his couch for an hour. It does mean, however, that when you kiss him, you kiss him like you mean it, like you want him, even if you want to date a while longer before becoming that intimate. As a guy, I do feel used and confused if after a 3rd date, our kiss is short. I want to kiss for a couple minutes. She can still cut it off then and not come inside. I just want to feel like she has a sexual interest in me. It is important to demonstrate that and a good way is to hold his hand, or lean into him at the theatre, etc, breaking a physical barrier. This will let him know that you are interested in him and are attracted to him. If he feels those things from you, he may be disappointed, but he won't hold it against you. I've had women not demonstrate those things and then only briefly kiss me goodnight so afterwards I was like "what's the point" even though they'd text a day or two later wanting to go out again. It was not about the sex, it was about feeling like she was attracted to me. A girl can make me feel that way without snogging on my couch if she is not comfortable.
Krytie TV Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Fray, now you're obsessing too much. You changed the plans. His comments were well with the standard deviation of what any human being would have responded with. Just chill and let it go and enjoy the movie. DONT PICK THIS APART!
lindya Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 No WONDER why people on LS are mostly single -- they listen to other LS'ers' advice. This girl is gonna tell this guy about the movie, he will see she is "one of those girls" who looks at men like she can't have them over alone because men "can't be trusted". However easygoing a woman might be, if she has any sense and self esteem at all, she won't let herself be bullied or ridiculed into trusting a guy she's not ready to trust. Getting angry, offended or mocking a woman because "you don't trust me" a short time into the acquaintance is unpleasant, manipulative and transparent behaviour. The belief is that a woman's trust is something you have automatic rights to, and that any woman who doesn't co-operate with that belief has some sort of problem, betrays an attitude that would put a lot of women on instant Rohypnol alert and encourage them to discreetly phone for a cab.
Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I guess I'm a lame girl because I would have said you should go over there and just make your boundaries clear if/when he tried to cross them. To assume that he wants to have sex is a little presumptuous, just as equally as if he were to assume you were willing to have sex just by going over there. BF made me dinner at his place on our third date. We didn't sleep together until date 10. I simply made him aware of my boundaries when he moved to go further, and he respected them. A good guy will do that, regardless of the date location.
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