In need of friendly voices

[carrotgirl]

Hey Aria, you were missed.

 

Yah. Eyes are open and looking around at everything everywhere. Career, love life, family life.... I'm sick and tired of everyone's mouth talking and talking and spewing BS.

 

WB, aka GD, and I spent quality time fighting some more tonight. I'll never get that time back. It's okay. I didn't behave as well as I could have or probably should have. He told me I was scaring him off by being too romantic. Yah.... I didn't realize shopping for a new kitten was the highly romantic activity of the season.

 

He got cruel and I cared enough to be hurt the 1st hour but my psyche is so fragile and corresponding carapace is so thick from the work shiit that well, bad timing on WB's part. I told him to go to hell.

 

He came back for a second and third round and the outcome didn't really change except that I got less and less interested in his upset with me.

 

When he ran out of any remotely legitimate plaints he half joked half accused me of cheating on him which was so far out there I wasn't even hurt. Then I got an earful about how, Every guy wants to DO you but I don't care because I think of you as my sister. Okay. That didn't make any sense at all.

 

Then he launched into the old saw of, You want more than I want to give and I said, No, I don't. 'Bye.

 

Bad timing on his part. Bad timing on my part. It's perfectly reasonable to admit fear. It's even preferable and I should have been a better woman about it. Instead I took it personally and things got blown way out of proportion. I'm just too tired to feel much more than a little amused at the absurdity of the argument tonight. I'm not upset though I expect to be a wreck tomorrow.

 

The Waffleboy name had me peeing in my pants

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

It's also possible I won't be crying in my cereal tomorrow. I feel like something snapped. I'm not angry. I'm not hurt. I don't think he can hurt me any more. I think he went too far with the preposterous cheating insinuation. He argued that wasn't what he said but when I asked him to recant, he didn't. I wasn't upset at that point. It's more like I stopped caring about caring if that makes any sense?

 

Funny, he was trying to tell me he thought I was being pushy and it was making him withdraw. And the more he talked, the worse things got. The more he talked, the more pushy and controlling I thought he was. The more he talked the weaker he seemed. The more he talked the more I felt sorry for him. So it all kind of came to a Gone with the Wind-ish finish.

 

I feel like my heart died. It's not bad. It's not good. It's void.

[carrotgirl]

A little sleep and a few hours brought some perspective. I'm still feeling pain free. I'm not too proud of shutting down but some part of my brain is taking care of the rest so I'm not fighting it. I know it won't last long.

 

GD was doing the right thing and I was the a$$$hole in this scenario. Or at least, I was the one who lost it first. He was telling me he was scared and instead of backing off I pushed him. Very bad form. I probably was insensitive in the first place too. I could have treaded gentler and I didn't. It doesn't change any of the outcome but he wasn't wrong in his initial point of view, I was pushing him. And then I pushed him some more.

 

Before you all jump on me telling me how wrong I am, well, you have a right to your opinion, but if he'd told me he was afraid to go in the water because he couldn't swim, I wouldn't have pushed him in just because I wanted him to go swimming with me.

 

I reacted badly. His cruel reactions to my insensitivity were very, very bad, so he's not getting a pass either.

 

I was going to say that I don't think there is any coming back from this but I had a big surprise with the work situation last week. I'm not making any predictions. Whatever happens, I know we'll find a way to put things right, whatever right may be. We're both good people. I'm a good person. In time, things will be okay.

 

Meanwhile, I'll enjoy my numbness while it lasts and set myself some new goals for the week ahead. And I'm still thinking about going to get a kitten.

 

Carrot

[Trialbyfire]

So it all kind of came to a Gone with the Wind-ish finish.

"Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn."

 

*Carrot strides away down the spiral staircase, never looking back*

 

Carrot, methinks this was a good conclusion. He's controlling you in a passive-aggressive manner. You push a little, he withdraws. If you don't push, and sit back passively, he feels happy, unpressured and...going nowhere fast... His needs are met, what about yours?

[carrotgirl]

The control thing wasn't lost on me. It came up a couple times during our fighting.

 

I really do think my brain turned the feelings off. I think I'm really out of the other coping resources and shutting down was all that was left.

 

GD said some things hurt me badly during the first round of fighting yesterday and after that first round I stopped hurting all together. I don't think he can hurt me ever again. I don't think anyone could hurt me right now (that's not a challenge! ) I don't even think I could do a guilty number on myself and feel pain. The brain turned all that off.

 

Everything is pretty much off. And perhaps that is how Rhett felt. I just knew I stopped giving a damn.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Yah. I knew my comfortable numbness wouldn't last long. NC didn't last the weekend either. We talked last night. I cried a lot. He said sorry a lot. The rest of the night I was in and out of slumbers while GD did chores.

 

I'm moving forward with LC and no initiating C (NIC?). The push/pull thing isn't ever going to work for me. Of course, even when he says he doesn't hold on, GD doesn't let go. And he reached for me again today.

 

So I took an LC time out to confer with a mutual friend who helped me with a crazy check over lunch. The highlights....

 

I'm glad to hear you two worked through a difficult spot. It's significant that the two of you are still trying, still bothering, still working through problems. People who don't love each other don't bother. You're both getting something out of the relationship. I don't know that what applies for other people will ever work with you two. You have an unusual dynamic.

 

The borders between your romantic and platonic friendships are blurred and the roles and responsibilities in either context are subsequently confused. The inclination to continue bonding is definitely occurring and it's not remotely one sided. He is abdicating any of his responsibility for the lines blurring. This isn't a case of you lacking perspective.

 

GD says he sees it differently because he does not want to admit that the lines have been blurred. It's much tidier for him if there is box A and box B. GD obviously enjoys being together with you -- but for whatever reason he can't internalize his desires to do so, so you see this rationalization on the external.

 

 

It's nice to hear someone else who KNOWS how crazy I can be tell me he doesn't think I'm crazy.

 

Carrot