In need of friendly voices

[carrotgirl]

It's been a gruesome day, not related to GD, my once and future, yeah, my once and future. Who'da thunk it?

 

But mostly unrelated stress and a little bit of related stress have me at a cracking up point. Any friendly voices out there?

 

Carrot

[randuff]

I have had those days all too often. The great thing about it......TOMORROW!

[melodymatters]

*sings* I love you, I love you, I love you tomorrow, it's Onllllllly a daaaaay away " !!!

 

Ow carrott-ness, big hugs ! Sorry things are sucky, this has NOT been a good year !

 

I'm not sure what the exact problem is, but since your only request is a friendly voice : Ya got one !!!! :love:

 

plus....:bunny::bunny:

 

" And a partridge in a pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

[carrotgirl]

Mel, the cheesecake avatar isn't hurting either.

 

Thanks. I feel rather like i'm hanging on to sanity by a thread. The work situation is unbearable. I'm still working now if you can believe it.

 

I lost it with my boss today when he suggested that I take on some of a coworker's workload because he was "really overloaded". Well, I lost it for me. The same guy overwrote a very important set of results some time ago and then NEVER told anyone. It smacked me in the head today and my CEO is peeved. It wasn't my mistake, but it's my responsibility. I'm screwed. But to then tell me to take on this ape's workload? Bullshiit!

 

For months, I've been working off of what I'd considered to be my files, my perfectly good work only to find out the very hard way, no. MONTHS of research in the toilet plus, I came off looking like an idiot because I didn't know. And then my boss tells me it would really be unfair to expect the person in charge of quality assurance (the guy who overwrote my work) to actually do his own job when "Carrot, it would be so much easier for you to do it since you're so familiar with it."

 

So I said he should just fire me because we had a fundamental difference of opinion that wasn't going to change. That the reason why we have checks in place is BECAUSE people get too close to their work and don't notice or don't think to notice things like other people overwriting their fewking work! And I was damn tired of working around the clock for years and not being appreciated, but by all means, let's make sure that the exec in charge of testing isn't overloaded. That's what's really important.

 

So then he said people complained that I don't like help. Which blew my mind since people who don't even work for me help me and since I've worked with my boss for a gajillion years and when have I ever turned down help from him? He said it's never been his experience. To this I said, If I am turning away help, perhaps it's because I find the offer isn't particularly helpful. Please go listen to Free To Be, You And Me.

 

Yah. I was in rare form.

[carrotgirl]

And for the record, I like being a girl-woman-woman-girl. Woman. I LIKE being a scientist. I don't just like, I love research.

 

I am sick to freaking death of small-minded, sexist, bigoted men who have, I'm sure, brains smaller than their testes.

 

Carrot

[cant let go]

hey carrot,

 

your boss is an ass. hang in there! i'm not sure of your location but i hope you aren't in the same time zone as me and still at work! whenever you finally get home, take a nice bubble bath...or just a really long relaxing shower. hope you feel better soon.

 

clg

[carrotgirl]

Thanks sweet CLG. My boss is great. Honestly. He's one of the good ones. We're still arguing and still working. Mostly arguing. Mostly working? Hard to say anymore. How many people do you know who can get down and dirty arguing with their bosses? It's a give and take argument. We're both already the loser. No where to go but up.

 

We've known each other a long time and I know that as pissed as he is at me, he's pissed as much at himself because even if I'm wrong, which this time, I'm not, even if it's my responsibility, which it is, it's ultimately HIS responsibility TOO. So my bad for not noticing someone swapped out all of my study base? His bad too because he didn't notice EITHER.

 

My mistakes are front and center in the damned newswires. There is no hiding and I've only got one good name. Lately, I am just perpetually stressed out and it's time to admit this isn't from the breakup, more like I'm seeing the breakup was at least partly related to my stress levels.

 

And interestingly enough. Probably partially related to me and GD working things out too. Keep your fingers, toes and eyes crossed... GD is getting that his stress levels aren't all me. Though we've agreed that during certain times of the year we will NOT spend time together. Final exams being one of those certain times. And I am SO okay with that.

 

It's late and I'm still working. But did anyone notice this good anger? Not my usual! I'm almost enjoying it.

 

I'm dead dog tired. My hands hurt. My bladder hurts. I think I'll go do something about that one. Just been working straight through.

 

Carrot

[sedgwick]

wow carrot...that's awesome that you guys are getting back together. i wish the same could happen for me! sigh...it's so tragic!

[carrotgirl]

Baby steps. Baby steps.

 

Sed, it took some difficult honesty on both our parts to get to from then to now. It took me taking even more responsibility for myself. He had to do the same.

 

I had to be willing to put myself on the line and say difficult things, ask difficult things.

 

I'd like to say it was all magic and romance, but it wasn't. It was plain, old talking and listening and admitting we both can suck and saying sorry for the underlying things we really got wrong and not for the more superficial bad outcome part. Though there were apologies for that too.

 

And for everyone who says it shouldn't very hard or so hard or even just hard, well, just being honest is hard. But it's so much easier than dealing with all the angst and hurt and dejection and negativity.

 

No promises. Okay. Maybe a promise or two. Time will tell.

[carrotgirl]

Yah. I was very, very wrong.

 

My boss went the opposite way and is blaming me for everything. If you're experiencing bad weather where you live, it's probably my fault. If your toast got stuck in the toaster this morning? Yah. Just blame it on Carrot.

 

I heard his points and he didn't even acknowledge mine. Worse, he ducked me all day until I called him and then we argued some more. It's a very unhappy day in Carrot land.

[sb129]

Oh carrot, I had one of those days today too. You know when your shoulder muscles feel like ropes full of rocks and all you want to do is get drunk but you know you will regret it.

 

EVERYONE at my work bitches about everyone else TO ME. I am beginning to leave at lunchtime because I don't know what to say to people without being disloyal or bitchy about everyone.

ARGH! Not to mention that the lead up to christmas sends everyone into a panic and they MUST get their teeth done before xmas..... my appointment book is booked solid till Jan 8...

[carrotgirl]

Thanks SB, insurance coverage for teeth ends at the calendar end eh? How are you managing your stress?

 

Yah. I've been having a difficult time of things. I'm walking around with pain in my chest that I know is stress but it still feels like a heart attack.

 

I lost the 4kg I'd worked so hard to gain this year. Which I guess isn't a big deal for me since I don't mind being thin. There's just even less of me to love if you get my meaning.

 

Oh, I'm full of absurd humor right now. I'm finding the most inappropriate things extremely funny.

 

This is sad but funny. Poor GD, I figured by now he'd heard all about the issues going on so I let him know I was coping and well, he hadn't heard. Now he's coping with my shyte too. He's gone into hiding. His stress levels are through the roof probably as much as mine. I'm not upset with him, just sorry to have the stress in my life in the first place and sorry to have unnecessarily added to his stress.

 

But what do I like to say?

Everything will be okay. Yah. That's it. It all could be so much worse .... and..... I'm ready for things to be better.

 

Carrot

[sedgwick]

carrot, i so wish i knew how to talk to him. i'm so terrified to at this point. i've totally ignored him for three and a half months now, except for sending him one text telling him not to contact me before jan 15 (book due date) but that if he wanted to contact me after that he could. i kind of feel stupid for even sending that. i feel like he just hates me. the last time we talked he seemed so done with me. i wish i knew if he ever missed me but i can't believe he does.

[sb129]

Sleeping alot. Trying not to get drunk! Thinking about nice stuff like our holiday to Egypt for Christmas and our wedding next year. AND knowing I am only in the job till June.

 

Sorry for ranting on your thread.

[carrotgirl]

carrot, i so wish i knew how to talk to him. i'm so terrified to at this point. i've totally ignored him for three and a half months now, except for sending him one text telling him not to contact me before jan 15 (book due date) but that if he wanted to contact me after that he could. i kind of feel stupid for even sending that. i feel like he just hates me. the last time we talked he seemed so done with me. i wish i knew if he ever missed me but i can't believe he does.

Awww Sed,

 

You and I are just on the same vibe. I just posted to you in another thread. Of course he thinks of you and misses you at times.

 

Everyone, yes, of course your ex still thinks of you.

 

That doesn't mean your ex wants more of you than nostalgic musings, only, yes, you are thought of and missed from time to time.... at least.

 

Back to Sedgwick!

 

Any hate you think he has for you is all a reflection in the mirror of yourself baby. You aren't in contact and have no idea what he thinks or doesn't think. I am willing to bet that the worst thing about what he thinks and doesn't think is probably only that he isn't thinking as much as you are.

 

And no more with the I feel stupid. It's done. It probably was what you needed at the time. It's not what you need at THIS time so it seems silly now. But you needed it for you then so it wasn't stupid.

 

Less Ex More Sedgwick! You have got AND I MEAN GOT to put yourself first more. If you think this is too selfish, try thinking of it as an investment in the future. Whatever it takes, but you have got to start putting yourself first. I think you're already doing this with your commitment to NC. It's certainly not a gift you're giving him. You are doing it for you.

 

More of that kind of determination and self-centering. If you want to bake your ex cookies, you bake the cookies for yourself. If you want to buy your ex something, you buy it for yourself. If you want to look beautiful for your ex, by all means, doll yourself up for YOU. And we all like to look at you dolled up too...

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

Sleeping alot. Trying not to get drunk! Thinking about nice stuff like our holiday to Egypt for Christmas and our wedding next year. AND knowing I am only in the job till June.

 

Sorry for ranting on your thread.

Piffle. You're cordially invited to rant away.

 

Carrot

[sao2]

Hi Carrot, been a while. I have been out of commission. A combination of internet being down at home and trying to "not feel sorry for myself" anymore. Anyways sorry to hear the last couple of days have sucked for you. <<Hugs>>.

[carrotgirl]

Hey Sao,

 

No need to 'splain. I'm muddling-coping. Chest still hurts. GD popped out of hiding long enough to be human and then popped back away. I'm proud of him for not getting sucked into my drama. I'm extricating myself from it as best I can too.

 

There was some scrambling for safety this afternoon when I said if my work couldn't be relied on then I probably shouldn't be the person doing it. Yah. There was some, Carrot! How could you think that?

 

What Carrot thought, Oh, probably when you blamed me for someone else's muck-up and said I couldn't be trusted to be thorough and implied that I was too lazy to check all 37 BILLION (that's right) records stored.

 

What Carrot said, Oh?... Did... I... misunderstand?

 

The executive response was along the lines of, Er, we think so.

 

Yah. Whatever.

[carrotgirl]

Yah. There was an emergency board meeting over the weekend and the result was..... I'm unemployed. I'm surprised. I'm. . . ... . I don't know what I am.

 

Carrot

[melodymatters]

Oh wow !!! Are you ok ??? Is this going to be crippling, or was it something that you always figured might happen and already have a Plan B ?

 

Again, so sorry my pal, sounds like you are having a rough month !

[carrotgirl]

Yah. I never considered I would take the fall this way, that I wouldn't have a job.

 

I guess I'll be okay for a month or two. I have money saved but it won't last indefinitely and it would make more sense for me to sell my place and rent something smaller.

 

My car is long since paid off. It's very old but still runs and that's all that really matters for the time being.

 

Health insurance will be tough since it's very expensive here but I can't see being without insurance.

 

I guess I'm mostly distressed and worried. I've worked my whole adult career with these people and now I'm fired with no recommendation. My profession is narrow. Word travels fast and far.

 

My whole professional life is pretty much destroyed.

 

Carrot

[cant let go]

I'm so so sorry Carrot. I really wish I knew something else to say.

[carrotgirl]

I'm foul. I'm cutting off GD. We had a date tonight but I'm not really in the mood. I've had this awful headache all day and I'm miserable.

 

He texted me this morning . (Sorry all you text folks but I am really not a fan of texting for more than little love notes and I'm running late sorts of messages.) I responded. He never responded back. I broke our date. Not in the mood. He of course didn't respond.

 

Yah. I know I'm being ridiculous. He made me dinner last night and held me and gave me a back massage and listened to me being sad and told me hysterical jokes to make me feel better and gently mocked me for being a total over achiever who only has marketable skills and extra degrees. And I'm trashing it because I'm cranky and he pulled back.

 

So looks like I get my chance at NC after all..... starting.... now. LOL. This really isn't how I thought it would all be.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I'm so so sorry Carrot. I really wish I knew something else to say.

Don't worry about it. I don't know what to say either. I got railroaded in large part due to lack of a penis. GD had a point with that. I suppose I shouldn't have been so surprised at this farce.... But then GD is on my "People I want to throw meat at" list so I don't really care what he says anymore.

 

Carrot

[carrotgirl]

I boxed GD's things and dropped all that off at his door. I rang him to let him know I'd dropped his stuff off and he answered. That was slightly unexpected but no big deal. I said what I had to say and said nothing more.

 

The giant douche tried to engage me. That was a bit of a mistake and he heard the danger voice. Yah. I've got one. He has one too. Anyway he heard it and kept talking. What was he thinking? I didn't exactly hang up on him, but after I said 'bye I didn't exactly wait to hear him say good bye.

 

Yah. I know I'm being horrible and I even know this is a stupid attempt to try to control SOMEthing in my life right now. I know this will hurt me badly very soon. Call me irrational but I don't really care. And it occurs to me this is exactly what he did to me those months ago.

 

I finally gave in and took some meds for my throbbing head. Maybe I'll sleep. I don't remember the last time I slept.

 

Carrot