I need to build a wall.

[Star Gazer]

It's at this point I would wonder if maybe he has or is going to start "checking out" of the relationship. Because only he knows what his plans really are, and who knows how firm they truly are.

 

I'm wondering why you're always the constant negative reminder on my threads.

 

I can't deal. I'm out. 'Night.

[johan]

Ask him to stop brushing his teeth or dressing up for you. Also to stop changing his underwear. And to pass gas whenever he feels like it. Basically to simulate marriage after a decade. That should make it easier for you to distance yourself.

 

I think you should force yourself to fall out of love. It's time to start listening to your brain instead of your heart.

[whichwayisup]

he thinks nothing of moving really.

 

Going out on a limb here, but you want him to stay and give up what he wants to stay and be with you? If it was possible for him to stay with you, I'd wave a magicwand and make it happen...

 

Another thing just to keep in mind, if this guy is "it" and he sticks around, you're going to have to get used to him leaving alot, especially if he is deployed to Iraq. It's not easy being an army wife, or being with someone who's career always has to come first. (aka, Dr, police, fire, etc..)

[Krytie TV]

I'm wondering why you're always the constant negative reminder on my threads.

 

Only because reality can sometimes be a sonofabitch. Me saying it doesn't make it happen, but everyone knows these things happan ALL the time. Ignoring the possibility also doesn't make it not happen.

 

*shrug* There's no way to help, just to offer possibilities.

[melodymatters]

Awww sweetheart, I know your checking out for now, but if you check back in, you're the cats pajamas star !

Timing can be so brutal and DEADLY in relationships. If you met him a year ago, it would clearly go one way or another, now, with only two months under your belt, It's like your hands are tied.

 

I SO feel for you !

 

I'm really trying to think what I would do here. I would not act too feminine as in crying and being too emotional, but I WOULD speak my heart, because that COUNTS, your feelings are IMPORTANT, and as I always say: " It's better to know"....even when you don't like the "knowledge".

 

That way you can decide to invest, or start building that wall.

 

My heart is with you on this one honey. I'm living vicariously through you and Kamilles new relationships !

[Kamille]

Ah Melody you're a sweetheart.

 

Star I don't think you need to take some distance from him so much as you need to focus on finding your own balance and strenght right now.

 

This isn't about him, this is about you and how you want to go about developing your relationship, dealing with its challenges, and learning from it all.

 

Put it another way: think about something else sweetheart. Go to the gym, do yoga, go hiking, go out with friends (rule don't talk about boyfriend). Step away from all the emotions, if only for one hour. You time. You need space.

 

Not saying tonight (besides you're out). Tonight I hope you have a wonderful time with your bf.

[Lauriebell82]

Aww, SG don't leave us! We are all here to help you. I still say that putting up a wall and pushing him away isnt the best way to go about this. Why are you scared to tell him you love him? Do you think he's going to get freaked out? That's understandable, but even though you havn't been together all that long in the grand scheme of things, I still think that you need to talk to him about all this. LDR are tough, but if there is love there it can work out if both parties are willing. Please don't push him away though, it sounds like he really cares about you!

 

Don't worry though, we are here for you! PM me anytime girl!

[spookie]

Oh, Star.

 

You're so nice, smart, pretty, fair; such a good communicator.

 

And your boyfriend sounds like a really great guy. A great catch.

 

Look at it this way.

 

He's moved a bunch of times in his life, he doens't feel rooted to any place physically; and yet he's rooted to the people in his life that are important to him. He knows how not to let distance get in the way. Cause nowadays, it's so surmountable.

 

You guys are in love and are going to be seperated at the perfect time. When you're in love because you've seen the good sides of the other person, have ennumerated them in your mind to be amazed at how lucky you are, but don't know each other so well that the bad sides show.

 

Look at it romantically. You've found someone whom you wouldn't mind spending the rest of your life with, and he's going to make an effort to keep you important (which means, he feels the same about you, otherwise he wouldn't have bothered saying he wants to try to stay together) If, as you get to know each other, you still feel it's right, you'll be together again. And not just together, but together because you want to be, because you've decided on each other as the one.

 

And LDR's can be fun. Visits to new places that you look forward to with all your being cause you'll be able to see him, to touch him. Thinking of each other through the distance. If you want to make it work, you'll have to learn not to fight for stupid reason (and if you really love each other, you'll feel so precious to each other that you won't WANT to fight), which will keep your relationship so positive. It's an exercise in strength, a test of endurance, but if you can do it (and you can, you're so strong Star) think of how much better your relationship will be. How much more durable.

 

If it's right it'll last, Star. And with this guy, it seems, though the "timing" may seem bad for the obvious reasons, it's also fantastic, because you're both at that place where you're not afraid to commit, you're ready to find the right person. You're both at that time in your lives where you're racing to finish up the things you said you would before you had children, and if you stick it out with him, award him some patience and understanding, when you are *really* ready, it might be perfect.

 

So if I were you, I wouldn't focus on the details right now, the how and why of where he's going, but I'd try instead to remain positive. Think of how much you love him, and more importantly why (hopefully because he is wonderful for the way he treats you and not some stupid reason like "hot" or "smart"). Believe in the possibility of romance, which is love despite life, and necessary in a certain amount for ANY relationship to work long-term; and that you may have found someone with whom it can be possible. And let life take you where you need to go.

[Racquel Colette]

I don't think you should tell him. He is the man, he is the one who might leave, so it is his responsibility to make the right move, and if he loves you he won't go to Iraq, that is just the way it is. He has other options to stay, he doesn't have to leave, so you know if he leaves he didn't love you enough to stay and who wants mediocre love (not full-on love).

I think it is a good idea to let him call and pursue through this, it is true, yo do have to protect yourself, don't be at his mercy.

Good luck.

But....if he goes to Iraq you know he didn't love you and you can close that chapter.

[whichwayisup]

and if he loves you he won't go to Iraq,

 

if he goes to Iraq you know he didn't love you and you can close that chapter.

 

These two statements have nothing to do with love. If the man has made a committment to being in the army and is going to be deployed to Iraq, he'll go whether he's inlove or not because he has made an obligation to fight in the war.

 

Some people have jobs that come first, and those who get involved with people who have those types of jobs realize this and learn to deal with it and keep busy on other things like the kids (if any) or pursue their own satisfying career.

[Stockalone]

I need to build some sort of wall or shield between me and my BF in order to protect my vulnerable little heart. Why? Because he's leaving our area in a month to move home until he lands the position of his dreams, and who knows when (if ever) he'll be back. His job options are numerous, but unfortunately it seems that few of them provide me with any sort of an option as far as eventually following him is concerned. For example, the traveling-work (to Iraq) option seems to be more and more of a possibility, and now it's for an even longer period of time (not just a year, but FIVE).

 

I don't know what exactly his job in Iraq would be but in some line of work it could mean longterm career advancement. I take it you don't see it as a career decision, does he? And have you talked about it, now that it would be 5 years instead of one?

 

May I ask how long he served and if he has any previous education/job training or if he joined the army right out of school?

 

I ask because you said he has numerous offers but the Iraq option seems to be the favourite. Is it just the money, is he the guy that needs the kick? Is he considering it simply because he is good at what he does? The answers to these questions might help us better understand what kind of person he is.

 

 

I'm in love with him, so I don't want our relationship to end. But I need to start building up a resistance to him NOW so that I'm not as hurt as I will be if I don't develop some sort of coping strategy.

 

How do I do this?

 

I know that this is easy to say for me, and not to sound rude. But I am not sure if you can expect a decision in your favour when you want to start building up a resistance to him while he has yet to make up his mind.

 

Apart from that, I agree with Trialbyfire

 

Which is worse? Never telling him and watching him go, or telling him and seeing where it does go?

 

You know him and your relationship best. We can only wish the best for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These two statements have nothing to do with love. If the man has made a committment to being in the army and is going to be deployed to Iraq, he'll go whether he's inlove or not because he has made an obligation to fight in the war.

 

Some people have jobs that come first, and those who get involved with people who have those types of jobs realize this and learn to deal with it and keep busy on other things like the kids (if any) or pursue their own satisfying career.

 

As far as I remember from a previous thread, he is going to be honorably discharged and is leaving the army. He isn't going to re-enlist but may choose to work as a "civilian contractor" in Iraq to make money.

 

So his military status/commitment is not an issue in deciding whether or not he goes back to Iraq.

 

 

 

I don't think you should tell him. He is the man, he is the one who might leave, so it is his responsibility to make the right move, and if he loves you he won't go to Iraq, that is just the way it is. He has other options to stay, he doesn't have to leave, so you know if he leaves he didn't love you enough to stay and who wants mediocre love (not full-on love).

I think it is a good idea to let him call and pursue through this, it is true, yo do have to protect yourself, don't be at his mercy.

Good luck.

But....if he goes to Iraq you know he didn't love you and you can close that chapter.

 

 

I would say that is too harsh. I can see how he could opt to go to Iraq despite being truly in love with her. I am pretty sure not all of us men are able to put everything else aside and just follow our heart when having to make those kind of decisions. Especially not after only 2 or 3 months. At least I know I am not. There are many things he has to consider that have nothing to do with Star Gazer. His relationship with Star Gazer is surely an important factor but I doubt that is the only thing he will consider.