Star Gazer Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I need to build some sort of wall or shield between me and my BF in order to protect my vulnerable little heart. Why? Because he's leaving our area in a month to move home until he lands the position of his dreams, and who knows when (if ever) he'll be back. His job options are numerous, but unfortunately it seems that few of them provide me with any sort of an option as far as eventually following him is concerned. For example, the traveling-work (to Iraq) option seems to be more and more of a possibility, and now it's for an even longer period of time (not just a year, but FIVE). In other words, I am bound to be seriously distraught when he leaves and during the course of his absence until he figures out where he's going to really end up. I'm in love with him, so I don't want our relationship to end. But I need to start building up a resistance to him NOW so that I'm not as hurt as I will be if I don't develop some sort of coping strategy. How do I do this?
allina Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 But what's the point of that? To have a semi-detached relationship until he leaves? Is this what you want with someone you're in love with? Isn't there a chance he will come back after the month and a half of being home to have a happy relationship with you? Does he have any options that include him getting work in your area? I don't see you as the type to build walls SG and I don't think it's the best idea.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Aww, Im sorry SG. Have you guys talked about what is going to happen to your relationship with his job changes? It's hard to "build up a resistance" to someone your in love with..actually it's probably impossible. I think you need to talk this guy, and tell him your concerns. Communication is EVERYTHING, believe me I've found that out recently. You guys could try to do long distance and all, but being that you've been together such a short period of time and you aren't seriously involved yet, that might be hard on both of you. I would talk to him though, and figure out where HE is.
Keara Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 You know, a lot of couples have this problem when military are sent to Iraq. Maybe you could read some of the partners posts regarding how they dealt with the pain of losing someone they love, who may never come home. There are a lot of military forums out there devoted to just partners and spouses of military personnel. It might help you cope better with the impending seperation. It might also allow you to appreciate the time you do have with him now. When you build up walls, it creates confusion and pain in the other person. And causes a lot of pain in yourself. You need a better way to deal with this then creating a wall.
shadowplay Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Aww, Im sorry SG. Have you guys talked about what is going to happen to your relationship with his job changes? It's hard to "build up a resistance" to someone your in love with..actually it's probably impossible. I think you need to talk this guy, and tell him your concerns. Communication is EVERYTHING, believe me I've found that out recently. You guys could try to do long distance and all, but being that you've been together such a short period of time and you aren't seriously involved yet, that might be hard on both of you. I would talk to him though, and figure out where HE is. Believe me, I've tried it, and it is impossible.
underpants Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Star, That just sucks. I am sorry. So many times it seems like love is some power play. Who says "love" first. Who calls first. The whole thing is so stupid and stressful....and as I live and breathe it just does not ever seem to get past that. When and if it does then so many times the end is in sight. Why? Star, you love him. I have read this twice from you. Have you told him that you love him? Have you shared a desire to be part of his life now, during silly job transitions and later? Yes, it might scare him off. However, I think if you don't honestly share how you feel with someone then you might regret it. If he can't step up or gets scared off then, well, you dodged a bullet. Either way, open communication has to be better then stressing over unsaid things. Just be honest with him. You two should validate each other's importance in your lives on occassion. Maybe write some practice letters. I have never regretted telling someone how I genuinely feel about them. Even if it did not lead to the hoped for conclusion. I can say I was true to myself and open to love. Don't build a wall, build a bridge. (you can always blow those up later if need be )
polywog Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 SG, You guys need to talk... spill your guts.... learn what's what. 5 years away over there is Huge. Worth a big scary conversation, don't you think? You need to know where you stand, and make some big giant decisions one way or another. So does he. "Distancing Yourself" is game-playing and avoiding the real questions. But I have to say, I'd be tempted to do that myself... except that I've gotten to realize that life is short, and I'm starting to know what I need and am seeking it. God, I make it sound easy.... but I know it's not! Anyways, best of luck and courage to you, SG.
Art_Critic Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 SG, You guys need to talk... spill your guts.... learn what's what. 5 years away over there is Huge. Worth a big scary conversation, don't you think? Truer words have never been spoken before.. If you don't one day you will wish you had spilled your guts
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 But what's the point of that? To have a semi-detached relationship until he leaves? Is this what you want with someone you're in love with? Isn't there a chance he will come back after the month and a half of being home to have a happy relationship with you? Does he have any options that include him getting work in your area? I don't see you as the type to build walls SG and I don't think it's the best idea. There's a chance, yes. But I don't think it's that big of a chance. There are options around here, sure. But they aren't what he really, really wants to do right now. He's thinking about his short-term career happiness instead of the long-term too. So if/when he tires of the short-term thing (such as the Iraq option), he'll move on to the next option, and he'll go through this uncertainty yet again. It might also allow you to appreciate the time you do have with him now. That's part of why I got so upset yesterday when he needed some time for himself last night. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, "I need to crunch as much time in as possible before he leaves." When you build up walls, it creates confusion and pain in the other person. And causes a lot of pain in yourself. You need a better way to deal with this then creating a wall. I'm not sure he's even notice if I put up a wall at this point. I mean an emotional wall inside myself, not anything that's perceptible. Have you told him that you love him? Have you shared a desire to be part of his life now, during silly job transitions and later? No to the first part, yes to the second. I've opened up to him, I've cried, I've said I'll support him no matter what. But I just cannot bring myself to tell him I LOVE him... I'm certain it would freak him out and make him feel even more pressure to try to stay here as best he can, to do something he doesn't really want to do, and then end up resenting me. I can't ask him how he feels about me. I'm 50/50 on what his response would be, and I'm not ready for one of those 50's.
polywog Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Why not take the leap and tell him you love him? Do you love him? Life is short, girl... see what happens if you tell him, that is if you Do Love him. Maybe it will make some magic stuff happen.
allina Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I know that you're trying to be calm and supportive but you have certain rights here as well. HE chose to make you his gf knowing all this. What is he saying now? Is he just telling you "I'm leaving in a month and don't know when/if I'll be back"? It's great that you've given him space but you have the right to some answers. He doesn't owe it to you to stay or chose a career he won't be happy with but he does owe it to you to let you know what will happen. You can't be strung along not knowing where he and the relationship will be in a month or two, that would drive anyone mad. At this point just putting everything out there may be worth it.
Trialbyfire Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 You have to do whatever you feel is right for you, Stargazer. Do you really want to uninvest while he's still here, wasting the time you can have with him? Which is worse? Never telling him and watching him go, or telling him and seeing where it does go? You know him and your relationship best. We can only wish the best for you.
underpants Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 No to the first part, yes to the second. I've opened up to him, I've cried, I've said I'll support him no matter what. But I just cannot bring myself to tell him I LOVE him... I'm certain it would freak him out and make him feel even more pressure to try to stay here as best he can, to do something he doesn't really want to do, and then end up resenting me. I can't ask him how he feels about me. I'm 50/50 on what his response would be, and I'm not ready for one of those 50's. Hugs girl. I don't think it would freak out the right guy to have a respectful yet honest and open discussion. Share that bolded fear with him. Then maybe you two can come up with a compromise that would be beneficial to him, you and both of your careers. Bend but don't be a doormat...you are way too smart for that Star. If a career decision is worth the potential loss of a relationship with you. That would be a bigger loss later (however, I like you and am biased). Regardless it is good to know how things stand. I don't think you should feel like you have to spend every moment with him and cram in time. That is pressure. You want to give him quality, not quantity. That stress and desire is your insecurity. Be cool. I know he is sweet and romantic with you but this is sounding like a point where the big guns come out. This is when you learn about people's character, fears and commitment levels. I believe this is when you begin to seperate the wheat from the chaff so to speak. Get in there and find out what you need to. Never be afraid of the truth.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 What is he saying now? Is he just telling you "I'm leaving in a month and don't know when/if I'll be back"? Pretty much. He USED to say he would do whatever it takes to stay in NorCal. As his discharge date gets closer and he doesn't have any real offers on the table, he's more and more about looking at all options and not making any promises. Putting everything out there WILL push him away. He's not going to choose ME over doing what he really wants to do after only two months.
allina Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Pretty much. He USED to say he would do whatever it takes to stay in NorCal. As his discharge date gets closer and he doesn't have any real offers on the table, he's more and more about looking at all options and not making any promises. Putting everything out there WILL push him away. He's not going to choose ME over doing what he really wants to do after only two months. But if he's just going to leave either way you have nothing to lose, you'll just waste a month less of your time on him. I'm not trying to be harsh on him, it is a difficult situation but it isn't fair for you to have to completely step down and suffer in silence.
Krytie TV Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Has he made an effort to get together with you since yesterday Star?
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Has he made an effort to get together with you since yesterday Star? Yes, if you read the end of the other thread. We're seeing each other tonight.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I'm in love with him, so I don't want our relationship to end. But I need to start building up a resistance to him NOW so that I'm not as hurt as I will be if I don't develop some sort of coping strategy. Don't ruin your last month with him by distancing yourself emotionally and stopping who you are...Just have fun together and enjoy this time with him. Make the most of it! When he leaves, then be hurt and cry, post here and we'll help you...but until that time comes, try your best to just let go and be with him.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 When he leaves, then be hurt and cry, post here and we'll help you...but until that time comes, try your best to just let go and be with him. F*ck. That just made me cry.
oppath Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Putting everything out there WILL push him away. He's not going to choose ME over doing what he really wants to do after only two months. I love you SG but I'd be in the "nor should he" camp on this. I'd hope that you would not either. I think it's best to leave as many options open as possible. What you can do, however, is admit that this situation makes you vulnerable, that you understand it is his decision, but that you ask that he include you in his thoughts AS HE HAS THEM, meaning that he let's you know what he is thinking at every step along the way. His situation is going to be "I don't know what will happen." How would you feel in a similar circumstance? It would probably be the same. If you were dealing with a similar career decision, how would you be thinking right now? Encourage him to create as many options as possible, but that you want the relationship to work, and ask him that whatever his thoughts are, even if they are changing day by day, that he tells you them because you don't want to be left powerless.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 That's part of why I got so upset yesterday when he needed some time for himself last night. In the back of my mind, I was thinking, "I need to crunch as much time in as possible before he leaves." Just keep in mind though, that he has other people in his life too. Parents, siblings friends, that he needs to see before he leaves, so it can't just be about you. I'm sure he feels pressured because he has so little time left and he needs to spend time with everyone so their feelings won't get hurt.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 ...you don't want to be left powerless. But I am, period.
Krytie TV Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Yes, if you read the end of the other thread. We're seeing each other tonight. It's at this point I would wonder if maybe he has or is going to start "checking out" of the relationship. Because only he knows what his plans really are, and who knows how firm they truly are. I definitely agree that you should lay it out there once. It's hard to know what's going on in a man's mind in a situation like this.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 F*ck. That just made me cry. Aww, SG, I didn't mean to make ya cry..I know it hurts and all your emotions are on your sleeve - Maybe ever so slightly hide it abit from him, but don't stop being you. (Meaning, he doesn't need to hear certain things all the time, as he knows already...) You two need to do a FUN date. Let loose and do something really wild!
Author Star Gazer Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Just keep in mind though, that he has other people in his life too. Parents, siblings friends, that he needs to see before he leaves, so it can't just be about you. I'm sure he feels pressured because he has so little time left and he needs to spend time with everyone so their feelings won't get hurt. Actually, when he leaves, he'll be going home to those same people....UNLESS he does the Iraq thing. He's been deployed twice, been stationed in Alaska and on the east coast...he thinks nothing of moving really.
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