CAT100 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Ok well my MM lives abroad at the mo which is hugely difficult but anyway, he has really kept in touch, sent me emails, texts & calls every day Last week he was really distant etc & just 'curt' and brief with me. When I questioned him he said he had very big problems at work & was just in 'work mode' where he couldnt really concentrate on anything else because he was so stressed. Now I know this is fairly characteristic behaviour so I wasnt overly worried But 4 days later he was still weird & I was feeling really low (due to other reasons) and I texted him goodnight saying 'Hope work was ok & you are getting closer to resolving the issues, I really miss you right now, goodnight, love you xxx' and he replied ' work was ok. goodnight sleep well' I then said 'whats up with you that you cant even acknowledge I said I miss you & love you??' he said 'what is this, a bloody word examination or something??' It then escalated into a text argument & he said to me 'why is it that whenever I am not on top form you seem totally unable to handle it & always take it personally? Im stressed due to work, not you. But now you are adding to my stress!' I said 'ok fine, ill just be neutral until your work problems are over & until then Ill accept you will be a bit distant' Next day he text me saying 'look, sometimes I wonder if you know what you are getting yourself into with me. I can be difficult & stubborn at times. Im older than you, and set in my ways. and also, with my track record how do you know you can trust me?' I was like WTF?? I replied saying that I know very well what hes like to live with, we've spent huge amounts of time together. I know he can be difficult but I still want to be with him. Its been like 5.5 years, I know him well by now. Since then, hes not as distant but says he wants to talk to me to 'explain' why he was the way he was. I am really worried hes trying to put me off & dump me. Am I being ridiculous & over reacting? Maybe I should just have not interrogated him & just put it down to genuine work stress Just dont know what to think & dont know how a small argument seems to have caused a week episode:confused:
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Is this guy really worth all this drama and heartache? Maybe you need to stop and think about it...seriously. He has a life with someone else and a busy life at that. Just makes me feel for you as he puts you on the backburner alot and that's not doing any good for you. Give him space and time off. Focus on you for a while and don't rely on him for anything. It's obvious right now he isn't into the romantic touchy feely thing due to his moods and work issues. If in a month or so you're still feeling the distance from him and feel he is holding back, then talk to him, until then leave it be otherwise he'll turn a 180 on you and break it off because of too much pressure. Good luck and I hope you one day gain the strength to end it, heal and find a man who is worthy of your love and affection. This guy just seems to have alot of baggage, let alone a wife, (and possibly) kids too.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I've been following your story and am not surprised to see how this is going. He was probably planning on the slow breakup from the minute he moved overseas with his family. He probably isn't quite ready to give up 100%, but I'd say he is over the halfway mark and climbing. It sounds like he is hoping at this point that you will break things off with him, hence his behavior toward you. I would not be surprised to find out that he has an OOW over there. You will want to take this time to do some distancing of your own, in order to protect your heart when he finally reaches the point where he is ready to completely let you go.
Mino Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 No,, why is everyone always so negative, Gee, MM is always wanting to break it off.... I dont get it. No , As ow, we read inbetween the lines, and I know I get oversenitive. MM maybe under stress, we pick that up, because he may not have said something that we are expecting, and then slam, we are making things up in our own head, then come back and question mm. Adding more stress to the mix. We them post to vent and then we are told mm is slowly breaking up with us. WTF???? He is in contact with you daily. So he is having a bad week. That happens, thats life. Dont take it personal. If he wasnt contacted you daily I would say something elses, but he is. CHILL!!
norajane Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Well, he moved abroad with his wife and children so they could start a business together. I imagine the combination of moving abroad and trying to get a business off the ground, plus the challenge of getting children and themselves acclimated to a new country, are extremely stressful. So it's not a huge shock that anything else (you) that adds to his stress is going to fuel an already short temper, which is why that argument has stretched this long. Also, consider that being away from you (and knowing that it will be probably for at least a year) creates distance in and of itself. Long distance relationships, under the BEST of circumstances, are hard to make work. I think you have to face the fact that you are in for a very tough road. This is very likely the first of many communication problems and other arguments and stresses you will have to deal with while he is away, if you choose to continue in this situation.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 No,, why is everyone always so negative, Gee, MM is always wanting to break it off.... I I'm only basing it on previous posts, not a general negativity. Every post I've read seems to get worse, and it sounds like MM in this case is pulling out slowly and probably has been since before he bought a business with his wife, and moved his family overseas with him (because he would miss them too much to leave them behind and only visit them every few weeks). Based on this, and his increasingly poor, mean and dismissive behavior toward Cat, it isn't too much of a stretch to see what is going on with this guy. He not only does not show any signs of actually breaking with his family, but he is showing increasing signs of pulling out of his R with Cat, using "stress" as an excuse. I get this entirely from the posts I've read, and nothing else.
Author CAT100 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks for the replies I have been thinking for a while now that he is planning a gradual distancing from me that will culminate in me being dumped But Ive asked him a few times, Ive said 'If you are not coming back next summer just tell me now so Im not waiting for you' and 'If you want it to be over just tell me, Im not going to do anything stupid!' and hes always been like 'No no its just very tough and I swear to you I am coming back & when I do we will be together' He called me this morning & said he was so sorry for being weird, he just had a very difficult situation at work & was totally preoccupied. He has arranged to see me for a week this month & will see me for 7 nights. Apparently hes planned some really good nights out. I had a really heavy chat with him & he said that he feels a lot of guilt regards me & wants me to only be with him if I am totally sure. I told him thatafter 5.5 years I am sure!! But that doesnt mean he should be complacent with me either. Its a fine line between re assuring someone that you do want them, but not overdoing it so that they feel toooo secure, like they dont have to make any effort. I absolutely love him to bits & am praying that things will be ok. I cant really work out if his recent weirdness is genuine work related stress or not. When we spoke earlier he was very loving & back to his normal self, and as I said, has booked flights to see me for 1 week. Im thinking- would he do that if he was trying to distance himself? I just dont know
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 as I said, has booked flights to see me for 1 week. Im thinking- would he do that if he was trying to distance himself? I just dont know I dunno Cat. He actually moved in with his last OW before running back home to his wife. As long as his wife knows about his affairs and condones them and allows him to come running home, he will. The only way he will leave his wife for good and not run home is if she throws him out and forces him to stay away. As it is, she just opens the door for him to leave knowing that all she has to do is open it for him to come back. I don't see this guy leaving at all. Even if he does, he will likely do to you what he did to his last OW. As for distancing behavior, they don't usually do it all at once if there is still some benefit to be had or if they feel too guilty or obligated to break up all at once. His distancing behaviors are right in line with someone who is ready to walk away, but still feels some obligation to stay. If he is taking a flight back, then it will be for one of two reasons: to break things off permanently, or to persuade you to stay until he is ready to let go for good.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Ok well my MM lives abroad at the mo which is hugely difficult but anyway, he has really kept in touch, sent me emails, texts & calls every day Last week he was really distant etc & just 'curt' and brief with me. When I questioned him he said he had very big problems at work & was just in 'work mode' where he couldnt really concentrate on anything else because he was so stressed. Now I know this is fairly characteristic behaviour so I wasnt overly worried But 4 days later he was still weird & I was feeling really low (due to other reasons) and I texted him goodnight saying 'Hope work was ok & you are getting closer to resolving the issues, I really miss you right now, goodnight, love you xxx' and he replied ' work was ok. goodnight sleep well' I then said 'whats up with you that you cant even acknowledge I said I miss you & love you??' he said 'what is this, a bloody word examination or something??' It then escalated into a text argument & he said to me 'why is it that whenever I am not on top form you seem totally unable to handle it & always take it personally? Im stressed due to work, not you. But now you are adding to my stress!' I said 'ok fine, ill just be neutral until your work problems are over & until then Ill accept you will be a bit distant' Next day he text me saying 'look, sometimes I wonder if you know what you are getting yourself into with me. I can be difficult & stubborn at times. Im older than you, and set in my ways. and also, with my track record how do you know you can trust me?' I was like WTF?? I replied saying that I know very well what hes like to live with, we've spent huge amounts of time together. I know he can be difficult but I still want to be with him. Its been like 5.5 years, I know him well by now. Since then, hes not as distant but says he wants to talk to me to 'explain' why he was the way he was. I am really worried hes trying to put me off & dump me. Am I being ridiculous & over reacting? Maybe I should just have not interrogated him & just put it down to genuine work stress Just dont know what to think & dont know how a small argument seems to have caused a week episode:confused: Well, I personally would have handled it differently... If he wants to play I'm busy and can't be bothered with you, I'd do the exact same thing... With that said, he can't treat you any way YOU DON'T LET HIM...You need the momentum in your favor; back off a little... As for why he started acting that way, does it really matter? He had plenty of time to explain and hasn't...Make him work for you...
writeon Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Well, I personally would have handled it differently... If he wants to play I'm busy and can't be bothered with you, I'd do the exact same thing... With that said, he can't treat you any way YOU DON'T LET HIM...You need the momentum in your favor; back off a little... As for why he started acting that way, does it really matter? He had plenty of time to explain and hasn't...Make him work for you... Make him work for you?? I'm sorry but this all sounds like game-playing to me. A real relationship is NOT about having "momentum in your favor" or playing "I'm busy and can't be bothered with you" just because he is. He should WANT to be with you and there for you all the time, and show you that. If you have to "play games" with him, he's probably not the one for you, IMO. CAT I think that if your needs aren't being met all the time (and it doesn't sound like they are), you should be honest with him and let him know things need to change, or you're out of there. Don't put up with that and don't lower yourself to his level by playing games. Be sincere, tell him what you want and need, and if he doesn't listen or pretends to but then doesn't follow through, then leave him. You deserve much better than somone who is too busy/ stressed to devote all of his energy to you. IMO. Good luck!!!
Gwyneth Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I don't think he is trying to push you away. I think he was just in a mood and mistekenly took it out on you. He then explained his frustration to you and I think that was his way of realizing he should not have done that and was apologizing. At the same time, he's telling you how he can be and making sure you realize that. I think that is his way of covering up his stupity for taking out his anger on you. Hang in there...we all have our bad days. He's in a different country though--for the moment. I would think it's time for you to detach yourself from him and start looking--Move on
GreenEyedLady Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Make him work for you?? I'm sorry but this all sounds like game-playing to me. A real relationship is NOT about having "momentum in your favor" or playing "I'm busy and can't be bothered with you" just because he is. He should WANT to be with you and there for you all the time, and show you that. If you have to "play games" with him, he's probably not the one for you, IMO. You don't need to play games, you set expectations and you follow through with them...That's how it works in any type of R if you want it to work...
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Cat, do you have alternate plans for what you want to do if this doesn't work out? I hope you do not have your future riding on this guy.
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