destinetohurt Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I can't believe I have put my self in this situation, but I have. I met a man that I fell madly in love with forty years ago. At that time we were both young and single and madly in love. I left my home state to be close to him and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. Once near him things went down hill. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I was devastated. I ended up being in a serious automobile accident which left me in the hospital for several weeks. After being released from the hospital I went back home to live with my family. I married two years later and divorced and remarried again. Recently I heard a song which reminded me of him. I surfed the internet getting information about him and his whereabouts. I found him and have been in contact with him the last three months culminating in me seeing him and sleeping with him. He is married (happily of course) and I have been willing to take whatever time I can in his busy life. Within the last two weeks something has changed. He has started distancing himself from me and the conversations have become cold on his part. The sweet talk and emails have disappeared. I imagine that this is the beginning of the end which I am not prepared for. I just wonder why? What has gone wrong or what has changed. I know it is not me because my feelings are the same. I love him just as much as ever. Why can't people be more honest about their feelings. I don't understand the male behavior. I am trying very hard to stay strong, but I still have that hope that things will be okay. This will be the second time I am hurt by him. I would like anyone to share some thoughts regarding this.
bish Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I can't believe I have put my self in this situation, but I have. I met a man that I fell madly in love with forty years ago. At that time we were both young and single and madly in love. I left my home state to be close to him and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. Once near him things went down hill. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I was devastated. I ended up being in a serious automobile accident which left me in the hospital for several weeks. After being released from the hospital I went back home to live with my family. I married two years later and divorced and remarried again. Recently I heard a song which reminded me of him. I surfed the internet getting information about him and his whereabouts. I found him and have been in contact with him the last three months culminating in me seeing him and sleeping with him. He is married (happily of course) and I have been willing to take whatever time I can in his busy life. Within the last two weeks something has changed. He has started distancing himself from me and the conversations have become cold on his part. The sweet talk and emails have disappeared. I imagine that this is the beginning of the end which I am not prepared for. I just wonder why? What has gone wrong or what has changed. Because the guilt of him cheating on his wife is probably setting in....if he has any guilt at all. I know it is not me because my feelings are the same. I love him just as much as ever. Why would anyone love a cheater? Why can't people be more honest about their feelings. I don't understand the male behavior. You are having a fling with a married man who is cheating on his wife...what is there to understand? You put yourself willingly in this situation....hell, you sought him out on the internet, knew he was married, and didn't care. Someone could say the same thing, that they don't understand YOUR behavior. but really...you sought him out and he cheats on his wife....is being with a cheater really what you want? You said he was happily married. I am trying very hard to stay strong, but I still have that hope that things will be okay. This will be the second time I am hurt by him. I would like anyone to share some thoughts regarding this. I know I sound harsh...but I'm really not ragging on you. I am really asking a question to answer your question....what is there to understand? You know he is a cheater...why the hell would you want a cheater? sounds like he is feeling guilty and doesn't want to destroy his marriage....but he should have thought of that in the first place.
Passionate69 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Find someone else. if not, you missed the big part of your life in this world. can't you see he is a happily married to someone and your not. so, forget him find your life,renew your life and you are not going to be lonely for the rest of your life.
Owl Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I'd agree (somewhat) with previous responses. He's probably feeling guilty for what the two of you have done, and has decided to focus instead on his marriage instead of his affair with you. Its also possible that he's trying to keep his wife from finding out. Does your H know about your affair? What do you plan to do about your own marriage?
Author destinetohurt Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 No my husband does not know. I have never been happily married. I don't really want him to leave his wife nor do I want to leave my husband. I was hoping we could enjoy each other and see each other occassionally. I guess I would hope to have a relationship like in the movie "Same Time Next Year".
writeon Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Hi destined, I'm sorry but life is not a movie. It just doesn't work that neatly... eventually you would want more of his time or he would want more of yours, or his wife would find out and end up hurt, or your husband would, etc. Just think of all the bad consequences that could come from your actions. (I'm not trying to judge as I was once an OW, just provide some perspective). I don't understand why you say you've never been happy in your marriage but you want to stay in it. Nothing that is worth having is easy. Perhaps you should go to marriage counseling and try to work on having a happier marriage? If you're not happy perhaps you should divorce (you didn't say whether or not you have children?) so that you can find your happiness as a single person with another single person, and your husband can also find his own happiness. Those are just my suggestions... I think that getting out of this stage of pain and confusion will take a lot of deep thinking and hard work on your part. Otherwise you will just continue to look elsewhere to fill the emptiness in your marriage/ life. I hope I've helped, I'm not trying to sound harsh. Best wishes.
Author destinetohurt Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I loved him before he met his wife at which time he was not cheating.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I loved him before he met his wife at which time he was not cheating. Nevermind, I just realized that you haven't been the OW for 40 years. At any rate, it should never surprise you when a MM loses interest in the OW. Maybe he just realized that he loves his wife too much to risk losing her, that's all.
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I loved him before he met his wife at which time he was not cheating. And it didn't work with him back then either. At that time we were both young and single and madly in love. I left my home state to be close to him and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. Once near him things went down hill. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I was devastated. Recently I heard a song which reminded me of him. I surfed the internet getting information about him and his whereabouts. I found him and have been in contact with him the last three months culminating in me seeing him and sleeping with him. He is married (happily of course) and I have been willing to take whatever time I can in his busy life. Within the last two weeks something has changed. He has started distancing himself from me and the conversations have become cold on his part. The sweet talk and emails have disappeared. He changed his mind. And, he has every right to do that. I'm sure he decided that what he was doing with you was wrong and he felt it would be best to end it so he wouldn't continue to hurt, lie and betray his wife. His coldness to you is his way (once again, 40 years later) of ending it and disappearing again. If you are unhappy in your present marriage, do something to rekindle that romance. You obviously loved the man, your husband at some point as you married him. Ask yourself what is missing from your marriage, what needs your husband isn't meeting and talk to him. Give things a chance to work. Go to marriage counselling together and focus only on your husband, not the MM. The MM is not part of your life, never has been and unfortunately never will. The few months you spent with him were past memories of who you 'think' and 'thought' he is/was. Honestly, the guy doesn't sound much of a catch seeing as he broke your heart many years ago...Don't know why you'd want that in your life again.
reboot Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Just because you had some starry-eyed visions doesn't mean he did. Sounds like you were just a quick fling. Sorry.
whichwayisup Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 No my husband does not know. I have never been happily married. I don't really want him to leave his wife nor do I want to leave my husband. I was hoping we could enjoy each other and see each other occassionally. I guess I would hope to have a relationship like in the movie "Same Time Next Year". Another angle to look at it is this - Wanting to have your cake and eat it too. To stay married, hide this from your husband so you can still have the comfort of your lifestyle, roof over your head, family and friends - Normal as possible, yet have a little extra someone on the side. Is that fair to your husband? Imagine him doing this to you - I bet it would hurt and you'd feel betrayed. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh, but with your actions, there are other innocent people who don't need to get hurt by selfish choices. Please talk to your husband and let him know you're unhappy. Who knows, maybe he'll forgive you for your cheating and give you a chance. Or maybe this will end the marriage once and for all if you're looking for a way out.
addicted2love Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hi, you and I have very similar stories... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t105409/?highlight=slave2love I posted this a while ago. Since this happened to me my MM has been back in my life again. We have a great friendship and decided that we will keep it comfortable and easy going for now. Maybe your MM freaked out like mine did and is pulling away for many reasons. Not because he doesn't care but because he does. He's in a possition to hurt you and his W and that is a very scary place to be. Mine has pulled away and come back again a few times. It doesn't mean he doesn't want me in his life it just means he has a hard time handleing it sometimes. Hope this helped. A2L a.k.a. slave2love
IWALH Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I can't believe I have put my self in this situation, but I have. I met a man that I fell madly in love with forty years ago. At that time we were both young and single and madly in love. I left my home state to be close to him and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. Once near him things went down hill. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I was devastated. I ended up being in a serious automobile accident which left me in the hospital for several weeks. After being released from the hospital I went back home to live with my family. I married two years later and divorced and remarried again. Recently I heard a song which reminded me of him. I surfed the internet getting information about him and his whereabouts. I found him and have been in contact with him the last three months culminating in me seeing him and sleeping with him. He is married (happily of course) and I have been willing to take whatever time I can in his busy life. Within the last two weeks something has changed. He has started distancing himself from me and the conversations have become cold on his part. The sweet talk and emails have disappeared. I imagine that this is the beginning of the end which I am not prepared for. I just wonder why? What has gone wrong or what has changed. I know it is not me because my feelings are the same. I love him just as much as ever. Why can't people be more honest about their feelings. I don't understand the male behavior. I am trying very hard to stay strong, but I still have that hope that things will be okay. This will be the second time I am hurt by him. I would like anyone to share some thoughts regarding this. All I read was the title of the thread. Wow. That's all I have to say (regarding the title)l;
frannie Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I can't believe I have put my self in this situation, but I have. I met a man that I fell madly in love with forty years ago. At that time we were both young and single and madly in love. I left my home state to be close to him and that seemed to be the beginning of the end. Once near him things went down hill. Eventually he stopped talking to me and I was devastated... ... I found him and have been in contact with him the last three months culminating in me seeing him and sleeping with him. He is married (happily of course) and I have been willing to take whatever time I can in his busy life. Within the last two weeks something has changed. He has started distancing himself from me and the conversations have become cold on his part. The sweet talk and emails have disappeared... Hello destinetohurt. The first thing I noticed about your story was the similar way things had gone 40 years ago and recently. You followed him, or looked him up, and as soon as you were 'his' he began to distance himself. Unlike others I don't think it's anything to do with him being married, guilt, or anything else, but probably something deep-seated within him which means you almost certainly would never have a happy relationship with him. On the other hand, you say you envisaged just an occasional meet-up to supplement what you have with your husband, so you're obviously not looking for a 'real' relationship. And I ask myself why that is... why is it not possible for you to have something deeper and more intimate and special with your own husband..? Surely that would avoid all the hurt with this MM..?
get.mos Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Just because you had some starry-eyed visions doesn't mean he did. Sounds like you were just a quick fling. Sorry. dahling, i hate to say it, but i agree with this comment. before i read any of the replies, my thoughts were: he wants to have his cake and eat it too. (not to be so cliche)you invested more emotion than did he.((( hugs )))
niceirishfella Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Its Hard. I'm sorry to hear your going through this. I have personally and still go through a similar ordeal in my heart. We all hanker for the good times of the past and I think this is what you are doing. ........and its totally natural. Though I do think you need to be honest to yourself and agree with your mind that nothing will ever come of this. Try to cut yourself loose............hard i know........all too well, but move on - and try to carve yourself out the best life you can without him. I wish you the best sweetheart. NIF.
NoIDidn't Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I think you should move on and forget about him. He doesn't seem to share the same feelings that you do. And since he didn't seek you out, he probably wasn't looking for whatever it was that you are seeking. I don't think he feels guilty at all. I think he saw an opportunity and took it. I think you are making the mistake of thinking that he feels or felt the same way that you do/did. If you continue to pursue him or closure, things may take a turn for the worse.
Recommended Posts