lilmia Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 my husband and I have been together for 7 years and been married for almost 4. He is 13 years older than me. I was 19 when we got married and now we have two daughters aged 3 and 1 and a half. I have realized that i do not love him as a wife is supposed to love a husband and at the time that i married him, it was for the wrong reasons. i married him because i felt like i had nobody else to turn to and nowhere else to go and my mother did not help because she was always talking bad about him which drew me closer to him. So now at 23 I have realized that I do not love this man and that I have no desire to be with him sexually or in any type of romantic way. I have felt like this for about 3 years but I am just now beginning to own up to my feelings and try to fix the unhappiness that I have been feeling. I do not want to hurt him because I know how much he loves me but does that mean that because marriage is a covenant betweeen God, man and wife that I have to stay married to him when I have no desire to. If I had to go back and do it again, I would not have married him, I would have waited but then I would not have my two beautiful daughters. I just want to break this off and start building up a friendship with him so that we can raise our daughters but he feels like he is too old to be getting into a new relationship and if he cant get me then he is gonna fight for full custody of the kids becuase he thinks i must be crazy to want to divorce him. Any advice out there.
cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Sorry to hear that.....too bad for him and you. You have to be honest now and tell him the truth. That you are 2 different people now and you need to change your life to be happy....
Mr. Lucky Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Well, you've made your own bed here, both in the literal and figurative sense. In life, you don't get to "go back and do it again", you have to live with the consequences of your decisions. Here's the deal you're offering your Husband: "Even though you're a good man and spouse, I've decided on my own that I don't love you (and, to add insult to injury, maybe never have). Sine this is all about me, I'm going to tear apart our happy home while I chase after some figment of romantic love. You get to separate from me and your 2 young daughters, pay for our expenses in transition and then support us while I date other men" I'd be suing you for full custody too... Mr. Lucky
bish Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Well, you've made your own bed here, both in the literal and figurative sense. In life, you don't get to "go back and do it again", you have to live with the consequences of your decisions. Here's the deal you're offering your Husband: "Even though you're a good man and spouse, I've decided on my own that I don't love you (and, to add insult to injury, maybe never have). Sine this is all about me, I'm going to tear apart our happy home while I chase after some figment of romantic love. You get to separate from me and your 2 young daughters, pay for our expenses in transition and then support us while I date other men" I'd be suing you for full custody too... Mr. Lucky harsh words, but they hit the nail on the head. It isn't fair to him to have to be without his kids on a daily basis because of your mistake. lilmia...do you think its fair to him to deal him this kind of blow? You are the one that wants out and already say through no fault of his own....so will getting custody of your kids be fair to him since it is you that wants out? Mr. Lucky's words ring too true here.
Mustang Sally Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Ok, all. I really do appreciate the posts before mine. And I think they make some very timely and valid points. OP, you should take them to heart. But, I've also seen many people make the following point, as well. If she (OP) can't love her H like she "should" (whatever that is, I'm not even sure I am qualified to answer....), doesn't she owe it to him to cut him loose and let him find genuine happiness and reciprocity with another partner? Maybe the answer is for her to seek joint custody with him and de-emphasize his monetary obligations in such a parting of ways? Just some food for thought...
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 But, I've also seen many people make the following point, as well. If she (OP) can't love her H like she "should" (whatever that is, I'm not even sure I am qualified to answer....), doesn't she owe it to him to cut him loose and let him find genuine happiness and reciprocity with another partner? Maybe the answer is for her to seek joint custody with him and de-emphasize his monetary obligations in such a parting of ways? As usual, your 'Stangness, you make some good points. But I would hope that she would exhaust ALL avenues of committment, counseling and effort to try and keep her family intact. Two things that seem get lost in these kinds of situations: 1). The OP is only 1 of 4 parties that have a huge stake in the outcome. Her H and kids are going to pay a terrible price if she acts selfishly. 2). Oftentimes in a marriage, "love" is more of a verb than a noun, relying on actions rather than feelings. Making a decision to act lovingly to your partner beats the heck out of sitting around waiting to feel love in return. I hope she at least considers everything involved... Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Well, here is my two cents. They started dating when she was 16! He was .... 29. Thats borderline predatory in my opinion. Her parents didnt like him... warning sign. I'd bet money that the guy is controlling. That he is not a good husband. Late 30's is not the end of your life. He can move on. She is not cheating on him... more than likely she has just grown up and realized that perhaps she deserves more. So, LilMia, go get an attourney... you are justified in wanting a new life. If he cant be the man you need... you did give him 7 years to become that. No point in living in misery. Divorce is hard on the kids... but so is a crappy marriage!
Zona76 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I agree with Cobra. As far as him getting full custody, he'd have to do a lot of work with a GOOD lawyer to prove you're an unfit mother. Normal situations, courts give custody to the mother. I hope you have a job and the means to do so. Set anything aside? A lawyer will help you prep your situation.
Curmudgeon Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 but he feels like he is too old to be getting into a new relationship and if he cant get me then he is gonna fight for full custody of the kids becuase he thinks i must be crazy to want to divorce him. Any advice out there. He's 36. Big deal. That's not the end of his life and certainly no reason to deny you the children, especially if you've been their primary caretaker. That he even threatens it is as much an indication of his character as is the fact that he went after you when you were way too young compared to his age at the time. Advice? Get a good attorney! It's always unfortunate when a family breaks up but it happens, and even adults deserve happiness.
Author lilmia Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Might I also add that he has been from job to job since we have been together and currently I have been supporting the family paying all the bills and rent and everything else since july 2006 and he has been spending money getting his wants as well as his needs which has put us into a lot of debt and im basically fed up with that also. I think I am also starting to resent him for being with me at such a young age. I feel like he was old enough to realize that although I may have been mature, that I was not ready for marriage and he wanted me so bad that he did not care and just married me anyway.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Terribly sad to see this happen to both of you, good luck.
hooghie Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I have 0 respect for a 29 year olf man that goes after a 16 year old. That is REPULSIVE. He is lucky you didn't leave him sooner. Go and enjoy being young! He got to. Don't let him bully you through the divorce proceedings. Given his age difference and obvious attraction to the young an innocent- he will try. Get a good lawyer- trust me, it's worth the $. Do not settle for less that what you want and deserve. Mr. Lucky: clearly you are not so lucky. You sound like a pathetic loser who has had at least one woman leave him. Don't take it out on the poster. She was 16 and he was 29 when they met. He should have known it would come to this and deserves everything he gets.
sally4sara Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I have 0 respect for a 29 year olf man that goes after a 16 year old. That is REPULSIVE. He is lucky you didn't leave him sooner. Go and enjoy being young! He got to. Don't let him bully you through the divorce proceedings. Given his age difference and obvious attraction to the young an innocent- he will try. Get a good lawyer- trust me, it's worth the $. Do not settle for less that what you want and deserve. Mr. Lucky: clearly you are not so lucky. You sound like a pathetic loser who has had at least one woman leave him. Don't take it out on the poster. She was 16 and he was 29 when they met. He should have known it would come to this and deserves everything he gets. I don't think Mr. Lucky sounds pathetic. We got one set of info that sounded pretty selfish. We didn't know if any attempt at counseling had been made, and we didn't know it was about a 29 year old man going after a 16 year old girl. Without these new aspects, it did sound selfish and like the OP didn't care that vows had been made. Attitudes like that are part of the reason divorce rates are so high.
hooghie Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I don't think Mr. Lucky sounds pathetic. We got one set of info that sounded pretty selfish. We didn't know if any attempt at counseling had been made, and we didn't know it was about a 29 year old man going after a 16 year old girl. Without these new aspects, it did sound selfish and like the OP didn't care that vows had been made. Attitudes like that are part of the reason divorce rates are so high. But you did know...in the original post, she said: "my husband and I have been together for 7 years and been married for almost 4. He is 13 years older than me. I was 19 when we got married" So, maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions and attack someone without reading the thread.
Storyrider Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Well, she has to be honest with herself about what is really going on. Only she can know whether she's giving up too easily or not. But better after three years than after ten.
annabelle75 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Yikes. I can't believe I just read posts inferring that she has no right to her own happiness and should stay in a loveless marriage. It must be very lonely being that bitter. Life is too short to be unhappy. Ask him for a trial separation and see if this is what you really want. You don't have to rip his heart out to make the break. This isn't a race. You were way too young when you made the choice to marry. You were still a child practically. You've become a woman now and are discoverign who you really are and what your wants and needs are. You're not a bad person fro wanting this. You've just grown up and figured out this relationship isn't right for you. You always have the right to choose what is best for you. Ignore the guys that want to guilt you into staying in a miserable marriage. I personally don't understand why they would feel that way. Guess they are so needy and dependent they would rather have a woman stay with them out of guilt and pity than leave them. To each their own.
sally4sara Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 But you did know...in the original post, she said: "my husband and I have been together for 7 years and been married for almost 4. He is 13 years older than me. I was 19 when we got married" So, maybe you shouldn't jump to conclusions and attack someone without reading the thread. Hardly an attack. Besides, I wasn't the one calling anyone pathetic for their opinion.
sally4sara Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Yikes. I can't believe I just read posts inferring that she has no right to her own happiness and should stay in a loveless marriage. It must be very lonely being that bitter. Life is too short to be unhappy. Ask him for a trial separation and see if this is what you really want. You don't have to rip his heart out to make the break. This isn't a race. You were way too young when you made the choice to marry. You were still a child practically. You've become a woman now and are discoverign who you really are and what your wants and needs are. You're not a bad person fro wanting this. You've just grown up and figured out this relationship isn't right for you. You always have the right to choose what is best for you. Ignore the guys that want to guilt you into staying in a miserable marriage. I personally don't understand why they would feel that way. Guess they are so needy and dependent they would rather have a woman stay with them out of guilt and pity than leave them. To each their own. It is important to see to your own happiness and if you cannot find anything you could build on with your partner then it is best for all parties to end the relationship. Annabelle is right when she says it isn't healthy for one person to stay with someone they know ist happy to be there. Just make sure there is nothing; no amount of counseling, no serious attempt to change things that would lead you back to your husband, before you give up. A person should be able to say they tried everything before they broke a vow as serious as "forever" especially when children are involved.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Mr. Lucky: clearly you are not so lucky. You sound like a pathetic loser who has had at least one woman leave him. Don't take it out on the poster. She was 16 and he was 29 when they met. He should have known it would come to this and deserves everything he gets. Hooghie: You just have yourself a nice day. And I mean that sincerely, from me to you... my husband and I have been together for 7 years and been married for almost 4. He is 13 years older than me. I was 19 when we got married and now we have two daughters aged 3 and 1 and a half. The OP was 21 when she chose to have her last child with her husband. Was she still below the age of responsibility? Might I also add that he has been from job to job since we have been together and currently I have been supporting the family paying all the bills and rent and everything else since july 2006 and he has been spending money getting his wants as well as his needs which has put us into a lot of debt and im basically fed up with that also. This would be new information that certainly portrays your husband in a different light than your first post. Anyone would be fed up with that kind of relationship, age difference or not. Again, I hope you and your husband are able to consider your daughters happiness and well-being during this process... Mr. Lucky
lbj123 Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Lilmia, I think that you are making the right decision. Unfortunately, you are going to have to deal with a lot of difficulties before your life will get better, but it is truly unfair to both of you AND your children to stay in an unhappy marriage that not capable of finding the love and partnership it needs to survive. I myself went through a divorce. Thankfully there were no children, but I was in a very similar situation in terms of me being the one to realize and accept my own feelings and to do something to make a change rather than suffering in silence. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt for marrying a man who was not right for me, and constantly beat myself up in my head with thoughts that I was a selfish person for entering into a marriage, that I was heartless, a coward, and insentitive hurting my husband so badly. I was young too, and what i realized is that I wanted to love him the way he loved me, wanted it to be a happy, mutually fulfilling partnership, but in my head i confused wanting these things to be there with actually having them. Ending my marriage was an extremely painful and difficult time in my life and I do not wish it on anyone, but I have been on my own for about a year and a half, and I can say without question that it was the best decision for myself and for my husband too. good luck and stay strong.
confusedaboutmylove Posted December 12, 2007 Posted December 12, 2007 he is gonna fight for full custody of the kids becuase he thinks i must be crazy to want to divorce him. Any advice out there. sounds like he is using the kids as a trump card to try and control your decision. Someone else mentioned to me that this sort of behaviour is what controlling/abusive men do to attempt to keep the woman they want with them, as the absuser knows the kids are the closest thing to your heart. Also, someone who loves you shouldn't be threatening you like this. You have obviously broached the subject with him, for him to be making such a statement. I know where you are coming from. I sometimes just want to leave my H too... (just vented about it in my newest post)... but I guess we do have to weigh up all the options out there and the pros/cons of such a decision. ONly you know what is best for you and your girls. Keep us posted.
kle Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 You know, you need to be happy. Life is too long to spend it with someone you aren't happy with. And, as far as hurting your children... I came from a home where my parents stayed married until I was 12. They were unhappy and my brothers and I knew it, felt it, and were terrified of a pending divorce. I have a 4 yr old daughter, and left my ex when she was 1. She is so happy, and we are both loving parents and now good friends. It all happened quickly and we were not in love. Why raise her in a loveless home. She never had to experience the feeling of mommy and daddy being unhappy together. Now she feels very loved by both of us, and can see us both in future happy marriages. Listen to your heart, be strong, and make the right decision for everyone! I don't encourage divorce, but in your case, you are so young and can make a change to provide yourself, your kids, and your husband with happier future situations.
Toccoah Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 Well, here is my two cents. They started dating when she was 16! He was .... 29. Thats borderline predatory in my opinion. Her parents didnt like him... warning sign. I'd bet money that the guy is controlling. That he is not a good husband. Late 30's is not the end of your life. He can move on. She is not cheating on him... more than likely she has just grown up and realized that perhaps she deserves more. So, LilMia, go get an attourney... you are justified in wanting a new life. If he cant be the man you need... you did give him 7 years to become that. No point in living in misery. Divorce is hard on the kids... but so is a crappy marriage! STRONGLY AGREE! She told him she wasn't happy, so he should except her honesty and proceed to move on. She was 16...he was 29. What kind of 'Man' was he? Obviously one not thinking with the correct head. Marriage ends. That's a part of life. No such thing as 'You made your bed.....lie in it'...... If that were the case, divorce wouldn't be legal.
BettyBoop Posted January 23, 2008 Posted January 23, 2008 The OP was 21 when she chose to have her last child with her husband. Was she still below the age of responsibility? You're not that grown up when you're 21 either, Mr Lucky... It's irrelevant when she had her kids seeing as how he came onto her when she was 16 and he was 29! No "man" would do such a thing. Also, we do not know whether or not the pregnancy was planned or any circumstances behind the pregnancies. I think she has every right to be happy, and if a divorce will make her happy then she has every right to. It takes two to make a marriage but only one person to end it.
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