randuff Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 And guess what? She told me everything I already knew. I don't need to talk to her anymore. Do I want to be with someone who trerated me the way she did. I have to stop caring for her like I do. I am agonizing myself by doing all of this. I knew all this already but it was nice hearing it from someone else, someone who is a "professional." Maybe that is the kick start I need to move on. Here is the stupid part of yesterday. She came over! To work on some homework because she can't do it in peace at her apartment with her roommate and friends that are there making noise. She is suppose to come over tonight to finish it. I told her a week ago that she could come over and do this so I feel bad saying I don't think it would be a good idea for her to come over now. Why should I feel bad? She didn't feel bad when she did what she did, did she? I dunno what it is but I have a real bad problem with my dependency I think. I also let her borrow $200 til Friday so she could pay for her part of the rent!!! Ugh why do I do these things when I know it doesn't help the situation??? I am a very intelligent man. But at the same time I feel like a complete IDIOT. I know everything I should do and everything that is happening but my mind and my heart aren't on the same page! Why do I torture myself so much! It is insane! I tell myself, when she calls don't answer, but what do I do? Of course I answer. It's like an addict with a problem who thinks one more time won't hurt, just one more isn't all that bad. I am not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I am addicted to her! I just want one more hit! Why can I not listen to the people on here or myself for that matter?!?! It is absolutely ridiculous that I am putting myself through all this when I never have before and I don't understand why. I don't know what it is about her that makes it so difficult for me. Anyways I am going to see the counselor every Tuesday for the next 5 weeks and hopefully that will help me to resolve the way I feel. I just wish I could switch it off like a faucet! BTW, If any of you out there have EAP programs through your job I highly recommend you take advantage of it. I get 6 free sessions with my counselor through my employer with it!
Author randuff Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Not really worried about the $200, I know she would pay that back to me regardless. She even told me last night she is an enabler to my difficulty letting go but instead of just ignoring the call and texts I accept them....
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