cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I have a few questions for those who have cheated only to help me NOT scream at you and make you feel bad, so be honest, PLEASE ! Scenario : You cheated, you were caught, you stay, tell your S you love them, but deep down you are NOT in love with them anymore for whatever reason (you are in love with OW/OM or whatever) HOW DO YOU ACT OR TREAT your S now? The reason I ask is because I think my H may want out, but is too chicken to tell me or has no place to go.......he tells me he is in love with me (does not act like it at all) sex, touching, kisssing all strange and far between now, his does not look at me the same....but says he loves me and wants to be there.....when I bring all this up, he is defensive and says I am demanding etc......how do some of you cheaters feel about your S now and are you still in love with OW and that is why you cannot love your S now? HE IS HOT AND COLD that is for sure ! All answers welcome at this point, I am about to at my breaking point !
stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Based on what I know and have seen, it may be several "reasons" but being "IN LOVE" or even LOVING the S is not there. It is because "I OWE the S, or because of the children or financial reasons or scared of change so dramatic..." There are other reasons, I am sure, NONE of which involve actually LOVING the S... Especially, if they still are in love with OW/OM..
Suny1 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I was quiet and withdrawn...thinking maybe I could just make it work with him...I love him because he is my daughter's dad. We got along fine and never much time after work to do anything... too tired...or gotta be in bed by *9:30.. lol.. or the next day wouldn't run as *smooth maybe...etc..And I was sooo bored with that! Be it right or wrong...I wanted more out of life than he did...he was content.. I am never satisfied. However.. after 15yrs together.. I miss him. I hate to end that this way... but for me... I was still sooo damn happy inside...
Author cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Thank you for the response, but have you both cheated on your spouse? If you did, how did you act towards your spouse that made it obvious you were not into them or in love anymore ? Were you attentive to their needs at all, did you want sex with them like you did before the A? Did they notice the change and ask what was wrong all the time and you deny your TRUE feelings and tell them a lie ( you are still in love with them )
Suny1 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I slept on the couch alot! We were in such a *rountine that we didn't have sex much.. I think we just took it for granted for so long. I DID try to do stuff with him.. Make plans and he never wanted to go. We always said I love you...at least twice a day.. but still we had no real communication either.
Author cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Suny, thanks, I know the routine all to well.....did you cheat or your S?
Author cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 He tells me that he loves me and is in love me, but he is not the same....less passionate, less loving all the way around.....not mean, but distant, not the same sex drive or attraction to me he had before the blow up over a year ago. When I say something to him he gets mad and says it is all fine and to relax.....I can feel the difference inside me. I know he loves me, but I feel resent and that he is not IN LOVE with me anymore....he says I am wrong, but actions to me speak louder than words.....to me if you are not in love, just leave and find someone you can love again.....I have told him that ove and over again, his answer....if I did not want to be here I would not !
noforgiveness Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 CJ maybe it's himself he is upset with. Maybe everytime he looks at you he feels disappointment in himself and the hurt and shame of it all. He looks at you and everything he's done comes back to him. Maybe it is actually himself he can not face. Just a thought.
Author cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Hello Noforgiveness, I thought about that, but he is way too stubborn to actually feel bad about himself.....remember he is still claiming he is innocent and has done nothing wrong....but to me if that were true then why all the change in him.....we have been through rough times before in the last 13 years, but he has never been this way....when I say things like you never do this anymore or you never do that anymore, he says...well you changed all that with all your Bulls---- over the years and your accusation....so, you see I have a taped weird conversation that shows something was up, but he is innocent and that was innocent and I am not going to make something out of nothing crap......
Author cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 The only way I can explain it in an easy way, he treats me like you would treat someone that you have wrapped and you KNOW they are not leaving. To me that is childish because this is not a game, it is a marriage and just because I do not want to get a divorce does not mean he can take advantage of that.....I am sure all of us at one time had a GF or BF in our lives and we knew they loved us to death, so we did what we wanted etc....knowing they would always be there...I do not want to play the treatening game either.....he is so immature !
AynRand Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 For goodness sake, take your life into your own hands! You act like your relationship is solely directed by him. Figure out what you want from your marriage, tell him, and if he cannot give you what you need, let his half sister have him. It will be empowering...not to mention, he'll have more respect for you if you lay it out and follow through.
Suny1 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I was the one that cheated... he had his own A a few yrs back.. but we tried to make it work. Maybe your H does feel guilty.. As always... actions DO speak louder than words.
CallMeCrazy Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I agree with AynRand.... If you feel so upset ~ and if you think there was an A (which if you think there was, there probably was, listen to that little voice inside you 99.9% of the time it's right!!) then you should take matters into your own hands. Do you really want to live the rest of your life with someone who is not in love with you?? Actions most definitely speak louder than words.... I would do some real soul searching to determine if YOU want to stay in a marriage like this.... Life is short.... Good luck to you!
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I'm not gonna come on here and berate your decision by staying and trying to make it work, but it is upon you for you to take the reins in your life. Where would you like to be in a year from now or two? The decision is your and it always have been. If he wants to leave then, serve him with divorce papers and grant him his wish. It's painful I know shorty but check this out, it maybe a blessing in disguise you may meet mr right after you drop the coward of a husband. Yes he's a coward because he's not saying what he wants, he's waiting for you to make a move. He'd rather be in limbo and play with your emotions than either crapping or getting off the pot. But it's your life you know. Your anger is justified though but right now, take that anger and use it to move you forward in life and forget about him, employ an 180. If he wants to come back fine, if he doesnt fine. Give yourself a deadline and when your ready let the chips fall where they may. Good luck.
Author cj1988 Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Thank you all for your responses. I know in my heart that I have to do something before I loose myself totally. I have no idea what he feels or is going through anymore because he does not want to talk about it. He is so full of resentment that I do not think he can see what he really is anymore when he looks in the mirror. I know that I am greiving the loss of the man I once knew, but more so for the woman I once was, strong, independent and especially happy. I am not afraid of being alone as much as I am giving up. But, his actions do speak louder than words and as much as he tells me " I love you or I would not have been here all these years" I do not believe that in my heart now. He is not a bad guy, just a screwed up child in a mans body. I pray everyday for the courage to set myself free from the prison and hell I now live inside myself. I know my answer is not far away, I just have to know I am doing the right thing for ME, not him. I do not think he wants a divorce, I just think he is running from himself and cannot find his way home, where ever that might be now. Life is too short to sit back and watch it go by....I have to learn to live again, make new friends, find old ones.....most of all I need to find me ! Thank you again, you all are a true god send !
blindsidedagain Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I can really relate to your feelings. It has been 6 weeks for me. I can only say that I felt the worst during the 1st week, second worse the 2nd week and so on. So I really think that time will help both of us. It does suck while you are in it. Death is easier because it is final.
Author cj1988 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Yes Blind, it will get easier......look at my neww thread (update for CJ and the sister lover) I posted it this morning. I have lived a slow death for a year now and now I am coming back to life.....I had to take my life back, he had it in his hands and played it to the end. I have no idea what is going happen now, all I know is that either way will be peace for me ! I was freaking out for sooooo long like you, but last night was heaven to me, I feel sooooo good today. They will never feel remorse if you let them get away with it ! I learned that ! I do not have to bring up the A, I just had to tell him like it was and it is my way now, not just his ! Good luck and I am watching you !
Myfakename Posted December 10, 2007 Posted December 10, 2007 I think some people might confuse routine with love. You are just use to a person, so you say to yourself, 'well if im used to having them around i must love them' Others might love the person they use to be. Remember people change. Long term relationships are designed to factor that in. Some people just grow apart. Anouther reason people say they love you is because they fear not having anyone. You are the fallback plan so they tell you what they think you want to hear to placate you. People dont like to be forced out of comfort zones. They want to have thier cake and eat it too as it were. Still anouther reason is they are chicken ****. They dont want to accept the negative conciquences of thier actions. These people tend to still be very immature even at fairly advanced ages.
Author cj1988 Posted December 10, 2007 Author Posted December 10, 2007 Myfakename, you are very wise. I believe that is where my H and I stand right now. As hard as I try to get him to realize that the spark he once had for me is gone, the more he tries to tell it has not, I am not stupid. He does love me and the fact tha I clean the house, his clothes, take care of everything, he does nothing, why leave that ! The sad part is that the blinders are off and now I want more and if he is not capable of giving what is so easy, then I am history. He now knows this so lets see what happens. The ball is in his court. I told him I wanted a break, he said NO, then he will leave for good, I said I am not asking your permission for ME to take a break, he did not know what to say !
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