morgandy Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I was dating this guy for almost a year, and we had known each other through mutual friends for about a year prior to that. He always said that he was totally in love with me, and he was really great to me throughout our relationship except that he had very low self esteem which caused him to not truly trust me and always have to know where I was going or who I was with. He constantly was texting and emailing me, and would get offended/sad if I didn't reply. He also didn't have any friends while we were dating, and only wanted to hang ut with me and talk on the phone (we lived about 2 hours apart for most of the year). He used to be kind of known by our mutual friends for being the fun crazy party guy, but he stopped all that when we sarted dating because he said he didnt really enjoy it and could be himself around me. A few times when we were dating, he secrety got high or drunk, but always called me in tears to "confess" and said he would get help. I never really got upset with him for it, because it's his choice, but on the whole I do not relly aprove of drugs or alcohol so it was nice finding somone else who didn't just want to drink all the time. I also have some issues with intimacy, and sex was never really easy for us, because I would always end up crying or upset after, even if I was enjoying it previously; as well he was my first partner so I was shy & nervous in general. I broke up ith him because I got scared basically - I was moving to his city to go to school, and so we decided to move in together and I think I just started freakig out about that, as well as getting fed up with his constant need for contact and jealousy over nothing. When I broke up with him, he said he would never stop loving me, and he was very upset and wanted me back. He still wanted to move in together as friends, so we did. He asked me if I could just not date anyone for a while, or if I had to not to bring him around the apartment right away and to warn my ex when i did start seeing smeone. I said ok, because I wasn't planning on dating anyone for a while, as that was mostly the reason i broke up was that i jst didnt want a boyfriend. He said he wasn't going to be able to date anyone for a loong time. Now that we've been broekn up for about 5 months and living together for 3, he seems to be completely over me. He rarely talks to me anymore, we never hang out, and once in the middle of the night I woke up to the sounds of he and some girl having sex in our living room. This from a guy who used to tell me he thought sex should be special between people who loved each other. I have had troube making friends in this new city, but he is always goin gout with people, getting drunka nd coming hme late. He's constantly on his phone with someone, and the few times we have hung out he gets a call from someone in the middl eof it and leaves to go be with them. Now, I am extrememly lonely, and I have started to feel like I miss him and want him back. This is the LAST thing I would ever have expected. I didn't think I would ever want him back. I am never the jealous kind, nor the kind to write pleading posts on relationship help websites, but I find myself having nightmres about the couch girl and here I am writing this. I semi-mentioned my feelings to him in a text message conveesation a few weeks ago (I have communication issues..too nervous to do face to face) andhe said that he just wats something "casual but close". I can't be just one of the girls he is sleeping with, but at the same time I don't want that level of intensity and over committment as before. And I'm really confused as to which person is the real him; the one he was when we were dating, or the one he was befoer and is again - the drunken party whore? I relly don't know what to do, I have tried talkign to him about it but just don't know what to say to start the conversation. We were never really good at talking about things, especially us, when we were together. He wants a close relationship, but casual, and he said physical part is important to him, and I am afraid that I won't be able to give him that on a casual level since it is such an emotional/hard thng for me. So, after that looong post....any thoughts or suggestions on what i should do?
blue.butterfly Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I know it will be very hard, but do everything you can to detach yourself from this man. Are you still living together? If so, it would be very wise to find another place to live. I think you are most likely feeling very lonely right now, and it is very easy to make bad decisions in that mindset. Hearing him with someone else is just unacceptable. He took no consideration of your feelings in this situation and it was a downright sleazy thing to do.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Move out! He seems a little manipulative and controlling... Do not under any circumstances get the idea in your head that he will fall in love with you again if you start sleeping with him! That ship has sailed. The guy doesnt trust you anymore, he wont come back. He will however take advantage of whatever your willing to give him. Now you feel like he has changed? No he hasnt. He is the same person you dated, the difference is that you are seeing a side of him that was minimized previously!
Author morgandy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Thanks for your quick replies. Unfortunately moving out isn't really an option, as it would b next to impossible to find someone to rent my room for the remainder of our lease. I already tried this earlier in th year when we were fighting a lot, but didn't get any interest from renters. It does seem like he has changed, as he now goes out and seems to have interests, but you are probably right, he hasn't changed. Or maybe he has and is just a better person without me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Hold on!!!! Why is everyone being mad at what he's doing? He was clingy in the relationship no doubt, he had issues yes. but he never abused her or hurt her in the relationship. They moved in together as friends, she agreed!!! Now listen he's probably feeling lonely, his ex girl is right there and doesnt want him, she just looks at him like a friend. He probably got tired of being in a position where he couldnt be with a woman he loved so he's nailing everything is sight. Um your firneds right? You broke up with him right? You didnt want a boyfriend right? Then what, you thought he was gonna sit on his ass and not move on with his life??? WTF??? lol. I was in the same exact situation where the girl thought I would always be there for her after she dated loser after loser. Ad truthfully I got tired of being her emotional doormat. I needed the feeling of lips and a warm body next to me, damn her! She aint giving me any, why should I care? Now I understand why you are hurting, you still want him bottom line and you messed up. That's why your confused just face reality, your still not over him. Why is everone mad at him, he's moved on. You shouldnt have moved in with him, Something bad was bound to happen where you slept with someone or he did. It was inevitable. It wasnt sleezy, he's not gonna sit on his ass having no sex. Is he a unich? lol. I think not. If anything all I can say is just move out, if your in pain, just tell him and ask him if he could do what he do elsewhere. Out of common decency. lol.
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