How do I know if she is still in contact?

[blindsidedagain]

Looking for some perspective from the OM/OW.

I have a long thread explaining my story under infidelity.

Anyway, it has been 6 weeks since I learned of the affair.

She claims that it was terminated and she has not had contact since.

The past 6 weeks have been extremely difficult.

Anyway, yesterday I was away from the house for 12 hours and did not share where I was.

I guess that I want her to worry about me.

When I came home, she was not home.

I called her girlfriend who has been helping her.

She is a nice lady, and I have spoken to her about the affair as well.

Her girlfriend said 'she just left', which I thought was convenient.

I was gone for 12 hours, I call her girlfriend and she just left!

Anyway, her friend said that they had pizza and hung out.

We spoke some more, and in the middle of the conversation, my cell went dead.

I tried calling her back and the phone was busy.

I left a message and she never called pack.

1/2 later, she came home and said she was with her girlfriend.

I asked what she ate, and she said nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told her that her girlfriend said they had pizza.

She said 'she didn't say that'.

How do I know that the affair is over and that she is not lying to me still????

She said that she wants to work it out, but I cannot attempt that if she continues this.

[addicted2love]

Hi blindsided,

I've been on both sides of the fence...gone from BS to now MW/OW. Crazy i know.

 

Unfortuanately you have to make a choice here. If you choose to stay with your W and try to work things out you have to do just that. If you pick every little thing apart, like whether or not she ate pizza with her girlfriend then you will end up driving the both of you crazy.

 

I realize that this is all fresh for you. You are questioning everything past present and future right now. It's hard to know what is the truth and what is a lie. Honestly for me it wasn't the actual "act" of my H's A that bothered me as much as it was the lying and the cover up and feeling like he really wasn't the man i thought he was. That's the hardest part to get over. In fact I probably never did get over it since I am now on the other side of the fence.

 

Don't question all of the small details. Focus on the big picture. Try to relax and don't let your heart over run your head and your gut instinct. Also if you think something is still amiss, gather all of your FACTS first before jumping the gun and accusing. If you over react it will only cause her to hide better. If you relax then she will relax and if something is still going on it will surface.

 

Hope this helps,

A2L

[LucreziaBorgia]

She is still lying to you, and using her girlfriend to cover for her. Your marriage has no chance whatsoever as long as this is still going on. The more you question her and act suspicious, the deeper she will bury what she is doing and the harder she will gaslight you. What you need to do is back down, stop acting suspicious and go under the radar to get the proof you need. Do you have the funds to hire a PI so that you can get the hard proof you need?

[LifesontheUp]

Anyway, her friend said that they had pizza and hung out.

We spoke some more, and in the middle of the conversation, my cell went dead.

I tried calling her back and the phone was busy.

I left a message and she never called pack.

1/2 later, she came home and said she was with her girlfriend.

I asked what she ate, and she said nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told her that her girlfriend said they had pizza.

She said 'she didn't say that'.

 

I agree with the poster above. Your wife is still lying to you and her girlfriend is covering for her. Sorry but I wouldn't trust her friend - she is your wifes friend and not yours.

 

She probably never thought to tell your wife that she told you they'd hung out and had pizza. Her priority was to let your wife know that she had covered for her and said she was with her.

 

If you can't afford the PI, is there anyway you or a close friend could follow her next time you're out like this?

[cj1988]

I agree, my H lied to his best friends wife about what he did with ease.......the only way a good friend will not lie for them is if what they are doing really bothers them.....

[stampdaddy]

She COULD be lying to you.. But what do you do? If there is no effort into rebuilding the M, what's the point?? I don't get it sometimes....

[LucreziaBorgia]

She COULD be lying to you.. But what do you do? If there is no effort into rebuilding the M, what's the point?? I don't get it sometimes....

 

Therein lies the rub, Stamp. Your MW is probably doing the same thing. Seeing you behind her H's back, while lying/denying to her H in order to stay married. She may not be making an effort to honestly rebuild, but its apparent that this particular MW wants to stay married. Chances are yours does too.

 

I was a cakewoman just like this once upon a time, and I can tell you honestly I feel sorry for whomever is stuck with one whether they are the H or the OM. Both of you are stuck with half lives, while she gets all of hers plus half of both of yours. Not a pretty picture.

 

OM wants to think that MW is stuck in a loveless passionless marriage and wants to leave, but her H won't let her go. The reality is, that if she is still married its because she wants to be for whatever reason and will do whatever it takes to stay married - including gaslighting and lying to her H just like this one is doing. Most of them are just like this one. Talking through both sides of the mouth, to the detriment of both men in her life.

 

Blindsided, if you want the affair to end - you have to force it to end one way or the other. She will not end it for your benefit, or for any altruistic reasons. You have to have solid proof, and use that to knock her off the fence. It has to be scorched earth: she either ends the affair, the affair gets fully exposed, OM gets a solid NC letter with legal implications if necessary, and there will be marital counseling - OR, you will divorce her and force her out of your life personally and legally. No middle ground. No grey areas. She may choose in your favor, or she may not. But I can tell you this - anything less than the harsh scenario I mentioned and she will not choose at all. She will merely take her affair further underground.

 

If she wants to fight for her marriage, then give her a real fight to face. If she wants to be with OM, she will simply walk away from you. You have to be willing to take that chance, though.

[stampdaddy]

Therein lies the rub, Stamp. Your MW is probably doing the same thing. Seeing you behind her H's back, while lying/denying to her H in order to stay married. She may not be making an effort to honestly rebuild, but its apparent that this particular MW wants to stay married. Chances are yours does too.

 

I was a cakewoman just like this once upon a time, and I can tell you honestly I feel sorry for whomever is stuck with one whether they are the H or the OM. Both of you are stuck with half lives, while she gets all of hers plus half of both of yours. Not a pretty picture.

 

OM wants to think that MW is stuck in a loveless passionless marriage and wants to leave, but her H won't let her go. The reality is, that if she is still married its because she wants to be for whatever reason and will do whatever it takes to stay married - including gaslighting and lying to her H just like this one is doing. Most of them are just like this one. Talking through both sides of the mouth, to the detriment of both men in her life.

 

Blindsided, if you want the affair to end - you have to force it to end one way or the other. She will not end it for your benefit, or for any altruistic reasons. You have to have solid proof, and use that to knock her off the fence. It has to be scorched earth: she either ends the affair, the affair gets fully exposed, OM gets a solid NC letter with legal implications if necessary, and there will be marital counseling - OR, you will divorce her and force her out of your life personally and legally. No middle ground. No grey areas. She may choose in your favor, or she may not. But I can tell you this - anything less than the harsh scenario I mentioned and she will not choose at all. She will merely take her affair further underground.

 

If she wants to fight for her marriage, then give her a real fight to face. If she wants to be with OM, she will simply walk away from you. You have to be willing to take that chance, though.

 

No arguement.. She HAS had the best of BOTH worlds.. especially MINE. I just hope it is enough to matter.. At least I can rationalize "she'd stay for the sake of the children".. I know this to be true, true enough for me at least.

[whichwayisup]

When people have the best of both worlds, they won't do anything to change it UNTIL there's a DDay or one of the "worlds" gets fed up and tries to walk away (usually it's the OW/OM)..

 

Blind, if you can afford it, hire a PI. It sounds like your wife isn't putting in much effort to be an open book and show you she is trustworthy again..OH and that 'friend' isn't your friend, that friend will help her lie to you so don't rely on any of her friends to help you out on your wife's comings and goings..

[Mino]

I have heard that if you feel you need to hire a PI, your gut is usually right, and she is still cheating.......;

[scaredinlove]

Looking for some perspective from the OM/OW.

I have a long thread explaining my story under infidelity.

Anyway, it has been 6 weeks since I learned of the affair.

She claims that it was terminated and she has not had contact since.

The past 6 weeks have been extremely difficult.

Anyway, yesterday I was away from the house for 12 hours and did not share where I was.

I guess that I want her to worry about me.

When I came home, she was not home.

I called her girlfriend who has been helping her.

She is a nice lady, and I have spoken to her about the affair as well.

Her girlfriend said 'she just left', which I thought was convenient.

I was gone for 12 hours, I call her girlfriend and she just left!

Anyway, her friend said that they had pizza and hung out.

We spoke some more, and in the middle of the conversation, my cell went dead.

I tried calling her back and the phone was busy.

I left a message and she never called pack.

1/2 later, she came home and said she was with her girlfriend.

I asked what she ate, and she said nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!

I told her that her girlfriend said they had pizza.

She said 'she didn't say that'.

How do I know that the affair is over and that she is not lying to me still????

She said that she wants to work it out, but I cannot attempt that if she continues this.

 

 

There is no way to know. If you want to workyour marriage you will have to start trueting her. Maybe ask her to call you from times to times so you know where she is.

[head.heart& hand]

[quote=No arguement.. She HAS had the best of BOTH worlds.. especially MINE. I just hope it is enough to matter.

 

Speaking of no argument, this is a debate I would like to respectfully have with you. If you and your wife did not go through a crisis 6 weeks ago I could agree with this statement. However, you call sneaking around in fear, playing a cat and mouse game, enlisting a friend to lie, being deceptive, etc, as having the best of both worlds? I think this comment has become so cliche, you might not even consider what you are suggesting here. If you are saying that being both deceptive and deeply invested in her relationship with two people is the best world to be in x 2-- what does this mean? I would think it's the absolute worst world for BOTH of you! Although most everyone in this forum would find it worse for you (I agree), it is still awful for her as well.

 

Why is it awful for her, you might ask? Firstly, because she has grown dependent on someone other than you, her husband, for emotional support and now shes addicted to that person. If you want to save the marriage, you need to be that person again ( her emotional support system) and she needs to be that person for you (right)? It seems so unfair to you, I agree! Why should you have to be supportive after she's betrayed you? From what I've learned, this is what is necessary if the m is going to heal and grow forward.

 

In the A relationship ending, have you both discussed how you will support one another when a) she goes through the withdrawal of missing her om? and b) you feel insecure and untrusting? In addressing #2, did you discuss how your w needs to be an open book, available at ANYTIME , to help you rebuild trust? She lost credibility with you! How will she be accountable, understanding, and supportive so that you grow to trust her again.

(yesterdays pizza date with a girlfriend didn't make the cut).

 

However, here's the really hard part: As difficult as this sounds, does your w trust you enough to turn to you when she is struggling through this---especially when she is missing her om? Withdrawal is a very predictable part of ending the relationship so if you want to save your marriage, have you found ways for your w to turn to you, rather than run to him ( it is likely that this scenario does not look like a romantic scene in a movie, but rather, one of stress, pain, and depression while lovers reunite briefly to comfort one another). Maybe this is where she ran yesterday when she disappeared? Again, this may seem unfair, yet could you have done something differently so that you were her support system through this difficult time, not the om? Perhaps your w believes that the only one who understands her pain and struggle is the om---( afterall, he's going through the same withdrawal in missing her and feeling the same feelings etc...) Is this true? Did you anticipate that your w might contact the om, when you disappeared for 12 hours?

 

Despite what may have been a discouraging setback yesterday, whether real or imagined, your w told you she wants to stay with you ( and that's you want, right)! Working through your marriage crisis is unlikely be a "straight line", where your w finds remarkable discipline from day one of the crisis until a sense of "normalcy" resumes. Its going to be difficult, a zig -zagged path, yet marriages do survive when the spouses partner together to work through the affair and aftermath. I'm hopeful your marriage will be saved and strengthened if this is what you want! It seems like you do.

 

More than anything else, I'm hopeful you are seeking professional marital counseling to navigate your way through this crisis as a partnership/team. If I made any assumptions in offering ONE possible perspective from which to view your situation, please know that I did so with the best of intentions. I wish you strength and courage as you move forward BSA, I hope this all works for you...

[head.heart& hand]

Dear BSA, 6 paragraphs later and I'm not sure my response to your question was clear. Of course it wasn't , so here's my attempt to be more specific in answering your question.

 

1) It appears your w was hiding something as her story didnt match w/ her girlfriends. So, it seems likely there was communication ( in conversation or in person) between the om and your w yesterday. However, you dont know what that looked like. What if this was "another last goodbye talk", if shes having difficulty ending the affair, for instance. You simply dont know unless she tells you. Can she trust you to tell you? If she's struggling and having difficulty breaking it off permanently, can she tell you this? How would you respond?

 

 

2) Back to my last post and again, your question. I'm not sure the affair will be over ( "over, over") until you become one anothers #1 support system. It seems to me that this would be a necessary component in protecting against an affair ( now and in the future ---). What do you think?