whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 All you can do is pour your heart out, write him letters (for theraputic reasons, do not ever send them to him), make your own closure and hopefully with the help of time, you can move past this and heal yourself. If this helps, you do know part of the reason why this is happening - His depression (did he ever seek therapy or see a PDOC to be on meds?) and his drinking. That combo is explosive, especially if he never got any help for it.
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 He tried to hurt himself a couple of years back...that ended him up in the hospital and he stopped drinking and doing drugs and went to therapy. That all stopped a couple of years later and he started drinking again. He said he didn't do drugs but I recently found out...that wasn't true so he was lying about that as well. Maybe he was lying about the way he felt for me the whole time? He just seems so okay with it being over.
Jasmine8719 Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I can't see how anyone can constantly lie over 7 years..I think your listening to what he's telling you now and trying to make sense of it all. He's not okay with it being over..maybe if you guys were only dating for a month...but 7 years...no way
Author Confused9 Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 He's sure acting like it's okay. Part of me just wishes he was back in my arms. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I NEVER thought he would hurt me like this. I don't think he did either and I don't think he can live with himself for what he's done.
Ariadne Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Hi, This is just crappy Adriane. I don't understand your words sometimes, do you read all the posts first or just make up what you want to believe? No. I read the post and interpret it. This is why I say that the guy resented her and that being free is more important to him, even more so than whatever love he may or may not have for that other woman (pretty obvious really): ~ He came home to visit last month and was so mean. ~ He told me he hated me and couldn't look at me. ~ He said I was so annoying. ~ He has been very mean and text messaging ~ He tried blaming me for being mean to him ~ Told me he never loved me and never wanted to marry me. ~ He said he loves her and finally found someone to treat him well. This man is sick and has run away from his future wife - He is freaking out possibly having a nervous breakdown Hmmm... Ariadne
Ariadne Posted December 8, 2007 Posted December 8, 2007 Hi, HOW the H*LL can you say he is a decent guy? Because of this: ~ He would always say how I saved his life and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. ~ He rubbed my hair and conforted me for a minute and then stopped. ~ I found out from the grapvine that he was basically crying when he was home to a couple of people who we both know but aren't our friends. ~ Saying he messed up bad and feels awful for waht he's done to me. Ariadne
Author Confused9 Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 But what about the cheating, lying part. What about the fact that he never came clean and text messaged me that he was having a babyh. What about not giving me any explanation and leaving me. That is not decent.
Author Confused9 Posted December 8, 2007 Author Posted December 8, 2007 I didn't see the first post either... HE also said he was sorry and that this was a nightmare. He also told me that he 7 years he spent with me were the best years of his life. He is going back and forth. How could you resent someone for 7 years and not tell them? I would have had to been a really bad person for him to do that and I am not. I really don't see what your reasoning is for coming here and trying to make me feel responsible? I am dealing with a grave loss...my first true love and I came here for support...not to be told I did something wrong and he is a decent guy!
hippiechick Posted December 11, 2007 Posted December 11, 2007 Hi, This is just crappy Adriane. I don't understand your words sometimes, do you read all the posts first or just make up what you want to believe? No. I read the post and interpret it. This is why I say that the guy resented her and that being free is more important to him, even more so than whatever love he may or may not have for that other woman (pretty obvious really): ~ He came home to visit last month and was so mean. ~ He told me he hated me and couldn't look at me. ~ He said I was so annoying. ~ He has been very mean and text messaging ~ He tried blaming me for being mean to him ~ Told me he never loved me and never wanted to marry me. ~ He said he loves her and finally found someone to treat him well. This man is sick and has run away from his future wife - He is freaking out possibly having a nervous breakdown Hmmm... Ariadne I think your "interpretation" WAY off. Isn't it the cheater's way to escape to say it was YOUR fault. He was trying to make her feel guilty for him being a cheater. He was TOTALLY thinking about himself by telling her. YOU were mean, YOU are annoying, You treated me bad...YOU You YOU!!! When really it should be interpreted through him. I am and ********* for cheating, I treated you like dirt and never thought of your feelings, I continuously lied to you! None of this is Confused's fault.
PinkRibbon Posted December 27, 2007 Posted December 27, 2007 So how are you doing? Have you heard from him?
Author Confused9 Posted December 27, 2007 Author Posted December 27, 2007 Hi PR, As you could probably tell from my other post in your thread I am not doing much better. He contacted me a couple of weeks ago via text message with a very general 'happy holidays to you and your family' not sure if he expected me to write back but I didn't. The last time we spoke he made it VERY clear he did not want to hear from me. To be honest, the contact pushed me back and prevented me from moving forward for a little while. It's almost like he felt me feeling stronger so he tried to make me weak again or something? I am moving forward everyday but it's the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. I am still confused and have no idea what happened to my life. I would have NEVER EVER expected him to do this to me. I am still shocked. Perhaps, it will get easier, and in a way it has, the tears have subsided, but it's still the worst thing to ever go through. I miss him so much!
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 It is still new and 3 months is in my opinion not long enough to "get over" someone you love. Lord know I am struggling everyday to keep my head about the emotional water. That last 2 days have been horrible. I have done nothing but cry. Awful really. I think it is because I didn't even get a Merry Christmas message or anything from him. He has forgotten about me in 3 months. No Contact is the hardest thing I have ever done. I want to contact him so bad but I don't out of fear. The last time I spoke to him 3 weeks ago if couldn't have been any more plain if he had spelled it out in crayon that "I don't love you at this moment" and "You don't exist for me anymore" were some of his better statement. And the cold tone was more hurtful than anything said. And he is with someone which makes it hurt more. How long have you been with no contact? I hope you feel a little better each day. I wonder where we will be in a year from now? Keep us posted.
PinkRibbon Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 (edited) double post sorry Edited December 28, 2007 by PinkRibbon double post
Author Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 I know what you are going through PR. I really do. I hope that we will get over this and in a year our lives will be all fabulous. Let's hope, right? I guess we can say with confidence that it can't get any worse for us so it's got to be looking up? I have no been romantic with him for 3 months, seen him in 2 and spoken to him in 1. He did text me like I said in the earlier post but that was 2 weeks ago - I've heard nothing since. This all started happening in Sept so it's still pretty fresh. I just take it one hour at a time and see where it leads me. I still love him as much as I did before all this. I can't say the same for how he feels about me, but I imagine the love for me is still there? I have no idea though. This is very very hard for me. I just wish we both could feel better.
MrsHellnoFire Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 3 month relationship??.. it didn't take him long getting another woman pregnant, did it? Sounds like passion was missing and that is what he sought. But now he also gets a baby on top of that with a woman he hardly knows.
Author Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Well if it was missing...he should have talked to me about it instead of getting some girl pregnant. I don't feel it's justified because he was missing passion.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 Well if it was missing...he should have talked to me about it instead of getting some girl pregnant. I don't feel it's justified because he was missing passion. Like most folks that have been cheated on, you're looking for some sense of right and wrong - a relationship version of Lady Justice, complete with robe, scale and blindfold. Doesn't work like that . You only hurt yourself by thinking "I still love him as much as I did before". Because you don't love "him", but rather some false, idealized version of him as a good and faithful partner. So think back - was he? Looking at your situation realistically is the first step forward. You've had time to grieve, now it's time to think about getting better. Up to you... Mr. Lucky
Ariadne Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I hope that we will get over this and in a year our lives will be all fabulous. Let's hope, right? I still love him as much as I did before all this. I can't say the same for how he feels about me, but I imagine the love for me is still there? He might still. I doubt he loves the other woman. It was too soon, and there is too much anger there in him for that feeling to be true. Plus, he appreciated you for some things you did. And you care. The only thing is the baby, he might get tangled there because of that. Ariadne
Rooster_DAR Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 This is yet another case where I notice the cheaters always seem to vacelate between feelings for one or the other partner. They become unpredictable, and at times can be very cruel and have some moments of regret and remorse. Staying in this situation is not good for you, if it continues it can tear you up emotionallly waiting around for you partner to assume their wits again. Don't put up with it would be my advice to anyone, you deserve better treatment than that. Cheers!
Author Confused9 Posted December 28, 2007 Author Posted December 28, 2007 Thanks guys. I know I need to move on. It's just so hard to do so. You think of all the good times. The things he did. The future we planned and it's like...what the h*ll happened?!??!? Of course I think I will never feel love again and no one will ever love me, etc. I know I love the idea of who he was and stuff...but I don't understand where I went wrong and how I caused him to cheat and **hate** me. How can he justify his treatment of me and how can he say he never loved me, etc. Plus, why the h*ll is he so mad at me? What did I do? These are all ?'s I know you can't answer for sure but...It just blows big one's that I probably won't get them from him either. Not to mention I miss him so much! He was my best friend!!!
norajane Posted December 28, 2007 Posted December 28, 2007 I am still confused and have no idea what happened to my life. I would have NEVER EVER expected him to do this to me. I am still shocked. Ok, you may not appreciate what I'm saying, but the truth is, you fell for a guy who, in your own words: - is an alcoholic - was and probably still is a drug abuser - is emotionally unstable - is possibly bipolar - tried committing suicide Your odds of having a healthy relationship with someone like that are pretty slim. Ask yourself why you thought this was the best you could do for yourself, or why you didn't think you deserved someone who was healthier? How much of your relationship was based on you saving him from himself? How much of it was you being emotionally fulfilled? Or were you mostly drained by his constant needs and acting out? This alcoholic, emotionally unstable guy left you to work in another state. Without you around propping him up and saving him from himself, he went out drinking, met a woman who was willing to take care of him and have sex with him, and started an affair behind your back. Being unable to care for himself, much less own his own sh*t, he dumps on YOU and is mean to you and tries to make himself believe that you deserved to be treated like sh*t just so he doesn't have to admit what a failure he is as a human, just so he doesn't have to actually DO anything to 'fix' himself. And now he's created an even bigger mess because his affair partner is pregnant. So all he can do is slink away and be mean to you - you, the only person who gave a damn and was willing to put up with his acoholic, drug addicted, unstable ass. Confused, the only thing you have to be confused about is why you accepted this guy into your life for so long and cleaned up all his messes for him.
Author Confused9 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 Norajane, I agree with what you are saying but why is it so hard for me to let him go??? I want him back! I love this man. Regardless. She. this OW she won't be able to help him like I can...she can't. She has no idea what she has gotten herself in to. I want him to realize he loves me. I want him to come back because I love him. Doesn't he realize that? I gave him everything I could. He turned away from that...what does that mean about me??? He left me. I am alone. He is on to 'bigger and better thing'. I am stuck dealing with him abondoning me. He never gave me a chance. He never gave me a fair fight. He left. I failed : (
norajane Posted December 29, 2007 Posted December 29, 2007 Norajane, I agree with what you are saying but why is it so hard for me to let him go??? I want him back! I love this man. Regardless. She. this OW she won't be able to help him like I can...she can't. She has no idea what she has gotten herself in to. I want him to realize he loves me. I want him to come back because I love him. Doesn't he realize that? I gave him everything I could. He turned away from that...what does that mean about me??? He left me. I am alone. He is on to 'bigger and better thing'. I am stuck dealing with him abondoning me. He never gave me a chance. He never gave me a fair fight. He left. I failed : ( First, he is not on to bigger and better. He is not emotionally stable and he went to what was right in front of his nose - someone who was there where he was when you were somewhere else. And now he's made a mess and has to stay with her because he is incapable of doing the hard work to earn your forgiveness and getting his act together and being a mature man. Second, frankly, I think you should read a little about co-dependence. Why are you so stuck on someone who is so in need of saving? You can't save him and do everything for him - he is not a child and you are not his mother and you shouldn't want to be that to a man. You should want a relationship with a man who is capable of being an equal partner. I honestly think you have some kind of co-dependence thing going on that makes you believe that YOU failed in taking care of him when HE is the one who failed at being an honorable, respectful, loving partner to you.
Author Confused9 Posted December 29, 2007 Author Posted December 29, 2007 I will be sure to get a book on that, thans Nora Jane. I def think I have issues with trying to 'save' people. I do it all the time. I think it stems from my childhood and always being the responsible one, even with my own mother. I come from a long line of addicts (although I am not one) and always always take care of them. I did it for my mom when my dad left when I was 5. She became the child and I would rub her back and tell her everything was going to be okay. I am just so upset that he could treat me so bad. It hurts like h*ll. I am definately in need of lots of therapy (which I am getting, but still...) MY therapist said the same thing...date someone who doesn't need me to fix them. Date someone who is on my level, etc. It's just hard because I miss him. He believes I was the bad guy. That hurts me so much. Now he's all happy with the OW. It's so frustrating! I am stuck here picking up the pieces and he is already happily in the arms of another! You have been amazing with your advice...thank you!
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