I just feel so lost

[Confused9]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here. I just recently found out my fiance of 4 years (we were due to get married in October 08) cheated on me and the girl is preggo.

 

Here's the story...He went to another state to work and make money for the wedding and started acting very strange. He came home and broke up with me then got back together with me saying he didn't know what was wrong with him and why he did what he did. I tried to make the best of the weekend then he went back and stopped calling again. I was so confused and had no idea what was going on. I checked his voicemails and there was a girl on there and confronted him. Of course he denied it for about a week then finally admitted that he was drunk and just **kissed** a girl but said the girl on the messages was just a friend. He said he still loved me but didn't understand why he did what he did and everything he said was because he was guilty. Two days later he broke up with me saying he couldn't do it anymore and he wanted his space...wanted to do what he wanted when he wanted - blah blah.

 

He came home to visit last month and was so mean. He told me he hated me and couldn't look at me. He said I was so annoying. Then when I finally got him to talk to me told me he was still in love with me and just had some stuff he needed to work out in his head. We hugged and he would NOT let go. He rubbed my hair and conforted me for a minute and then stopped. I found out from the grapvine that he was basically crying when he was home to a couple of people who we both know but aren't our friends. Saying he messed up bad and feels awful for waht he's done to me. He knows if will never be the same blah blah.

 

He has been very mean and text messaging and emailing for most of this - didn't even have the decency to call. He tried blaming me for being mean to him and for caring too much about my family. Told me he never loved me and never wanted to marry me. A week ago I got a text message saying he is having a baby with her and to leave him alone. He said he loves her and finally found someone to treat him well. He also said he never cheated on me and that telling me that was the only way he could get rid of me (yeah, right.)

 

Our relationship wasn't perfect and we fought but I gave this man 7 years of my life and we were happy. I never knew he was having doubts. He would always say how I saved his life and I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He would tell everyone how proud he was to be my husband. Now it's like I never mattered to him. I just don't understand how he could move on so fast? How is he in love already? Why is he blaming me?

 

I have been with this man since I was 19 and I am now 27. This is my first break-up, heartache. Any advice on how to cope would be greatly appreciated. Sorry so long.

[writeon]

Hi Confused,

Actually that's a strange username because it sounds like he's the one who's confused. He doesn't know that he should have treasured you and how lucky he was to have you. But sometimes he does realize that and he's mad at himself for being so selfish and stupid. So he acts all kinds of different ways towards you. But you sound like a smart, got-it-togeter girl who knows what she wants.

 

You're confused about him but in general you are just fine, and I know this hurts to hear because you love him, but you are better off without him. Let him be with the girl who he cheated with you on, I bet she will not treat him nearly as well as you did or make him as happy. You can try all you want to make someone happy but if they are unhappy and selfish people, they will still cheat. She'll find that out.

 

As for you, I wish I could buy you a drink or give you a hug and let you know how totally awesome you are. I'm sure you've heard this and it doesn't help, but the only good thing about this whole situation is that it happened before you got married and not afterwards. He showed you his true colors. Now you know who he really is, and you can start over fresh with someone who is going to appreciate you and be good to you. Good luck confused, I know it's hard but you'll get through it and end up stronger because of it!!

 

PS I suggest you having no more contact with him -- he's said some very mean things and some very contradictory things, playing with your head so to speak, even if he's not meaning to -- and all of that will not help you move on. Just cut him off, he doesn't deserve to talk to you!!

[Mr. Lucky]

I have been with this man since I was 19 and I am now 27. This is my first break-up, heartache. Any advice on how to cope would be greatly appreciated. Sorry so long.

I know it hurts but, believe me, he has (in his own screwed up way) done you a huge favor. Would you want to be married to him? Own a house with him? Have one or more kids with him? 7 years is a long, long, time but at least you found out who (and what ) you're dealing with before things went any further. Now get the best kind of revenge - live a great life, find a great guy and be happy. That'll show him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[blindsidedagain]

I agree with the other posters.

It is much better now than later, even though it is painful.

Hang in there, you are very young and eligible.

You will find someone who appreciates you.

You did mention that you fought a lot, so take a look at yourself before getting into a new relationship.

You will have a little baggage that may carry over into the next relationship (perhaps trust or jealosy, isssues).

To thine own self be true.

Good luck to you!

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Best thing you ever DID was walk away from this guy. Not only is he a complete moron who can't even discuss adult matters with you in person (the idiot resorts to text messages and emails like a dumb-ass teenager) but he's immature and untrustworthy for STARTERS.

 

The others nailed it - thank God you hadn't already married this loser and had his kids. THANK GOD. Yeah, 7 years is a long time - especially when it appears this is the only serious relationship you've had since you were a teenager.

 

One day in the future when you meet a real man - one who actually puts YOUR welfare at the top of his priority list - you'll realize what a stinking little weasel this as*shole was.

 

Good luck to you.

[Confused9]

You are all so wonderful...thank you for your kind words. I continue to blame myself and focus on him and how he is happy. I know I shouldn't do that but it's so hard. He was my support, he was everything to me and now he just ran away like I never mattered.

 

I just don't think it's fair if he gets to be happy. You know? Why does he have someone to cuddle with and help him get over me? Why does he get to be the one who gets to feel new love. It's sickening how fast he has changed and moved on.

 

I am in therapy and want to work SO hard on making myself well. I do have baggage in terms of my relationship with him and my father. My father walked out on me and never looked back as well. I am the youngest and he was mean to me and wouldn't talk to me but he would talk to them...I don't know...men just don't like me.

 

Writeon...I wish you were closer. I would love to meet new people and start fresh and have drinks with girlfriends and dance and have fun! You were very kind to say those nice things about me...I don't feel too good about myself right now so it couldn't have come at a better time.

[Jasmine8719]

Im really sorry your going through this. i actually had a similar case happen to me...It's a really heartbreaking situation...you have so many emotions running through you...you almost don't know what to do...you loved this man for so long and now he's hurting you...I think you need to let him figure your relationship out on his own...dont pick up his calls, dont answer his e-mail.. dont speak to him...until he is bangging on your door and sleeping on your pourch because he wants you back is when you might consider talking to him...I played ring around the rosie with my ex too..one minute he's saying he loves me the next he got another girl pregnant (said they were getting married on my birthday)...she was calling me harrassing me etc. and his new gf is probably doing the same to you and brainwashing your fiance...I think its like a cheating husband too. They think they have something better and they know its wrong but they keep going back...long story short just back away and as hard as it is and easy as it sounds you have to move on...Ask yourself do I deserve this pain? Do I deserve being treated like this? Stick with your friends and your family and you'll be okay in the end

Good Luck!

-Jasmine

[Confused9]

Wow Jasmine...did he ever try to come back to you? If he did...how did you say no? That is crazy how this happens to other people...you think it's only you...you know?

 

I hate him right now but I love him too. It's a rollercoaster I can't wait to get off.

 

Hopefully you will be on more so we can chat. I am sure you could help me a lot...if you are willing.

[Jasmine8719]

There are plenty of women that go through this. You are by far not the only one. Only the worst roller coaster ride; you dont know what's going to happen. What if he comes back? What if he doesn't? What am I suppose to do? Do I forgive him? You can't stop crying you can barely eat, barely sleep. One minute your like okay I can do this, Im strong and the next your a terrible mess. And like you said you hate him but love him at the same time. I met this guy online when I was 15 and had a "relationship" with him until I was 18...didn't date another guy in between.. I got so emotionally envolved with him to where I wouldn't hang out with my friends as much...I talked to him more than I talked to anyone else around me everyday. again I became emotionally invovled and being so young I think its worse cause you don't have that control over your feelings and you dont have boundries (sorry if thats confusing; I had to give you the background). So anyways he met this girl down were he lives said he got her pregnant wants to be with her...he never loved me he whenever blah blah blah...so I know you know that feeling...how can you do this to me etc. I was a mess...She was calling harrassing me worst time of my life...after about a month he was still being mean to me saying he never loved me he loves her how they have sex all the time blah blah blah..After about I say 3-4 months he started talking to me again he wanted to get back with me..And i think at that moment I realized that he wasn't good for me. I felt so much stronger.. He put me through this so why would I go back to him? So he can do it again?

[Jasmine8719]

Okay so ask yourself those questions If he has hurt you, ripped your heart heart; with barely any concern, continues to see this other woman. Why would you want to go back to him? Because you think your soul mates and he's the only one out there? You dont want to throw away these past 7 years? What if you did get back with him? Wouldn't you constantly be concerned wether or not he's still with her? Won't you wonder if he's still cheating? What makes you think he wouldn't do it again? He has obviously lied to you, so how could you trust him? Time is what heals the heart. Realizing that your strong and can get through this will help; the faster you realize this I think the easier it is..

[Confused9]

did he ever say why he was mean to you in the first place? That's the hardest thing for me to swallow...why is he mean to ME?? He did this. If he was so happy with her...what's the point in making me feel bad? Would't he want to protect my feelings?

 

He went out to another state for work and this all happened. Now he says he's planning on living out there. I think it's because he's running away. He won't call any of his friends back home either. It's like he knows he f*cked up and can't face what he's done.

 

I too was young when we started dating...19 and I am now 27. I don't even know how to be single.

 

I just can't understand how he cuold be happy with her?

[Jasmine8719]

Him saying he never loved you is a lie. He's just trying to hurt you so you'll get mad at him. Then he'll be like "see she's crazy I can't believe I was ever with her". He's ashamed of himself and doesn't know how to handle it and hurting seems the only way for him. I honestly don't understand men. They think women are crazy..pshh. anyways. after about a month this happend i met this guy named Jon and we only went out for about a month too lol...I think we realized we were better off friends. But...a few short months after that I met the most amazing man; he does anything to make sure that I'm happy.. I love him with all my heart although its only been a

1 1/2 I have a good feeling about this one. anyways I could go to pages on about him and I.. and yes my ex (not jon, the one that hurt me) still tries to talk to me. IM me like a a week ago...and I have no feelings for him none always wish him the best of luck and I now know I have the upper hand because I know he wishes he was still with him.. Point is lol...If you don't get back with him (for your sake hopefully you won't) There is a tommorow, your still young and yes 7 years was a long time, but once you find that one man, those 7 years won't mean anything anymore. but I'm here you can always talk to me..I just do my homework and watch movies at work lol (Im in college)...maybe get out today, hang out with friends, shoot its Friday go out meet some new people..you'll be okay

-Jasmine

p.s-I had to keep opening a new box because I was afraid I would loose what I typed, oh and I hope this helped some

[Jasmine8719]

You know what he probably is not happy with her...actually he isn't..How could any person be happy knowing they messed up with something good that they had and now has a baby?? on the way...with someone he isn't even married too

[Jasmine8719]

I think hes mean to make himself feel better; and yea like you said I think he is running away from his problems, if he hasn't even talked to his friends...then yeah he has a lot going on...he's lost

[Jasmine8719]

But no (sorry I didn't answer your question) I don't believe he ever said why he was mean...But I think it's obvious...You've known him for seven years..you know he doesnt mean what he says

[Confused9]

Yeah. I know. He just tries to tell me he's happy and I've seen pictures of them together. He is hammered of course (he's also an alcoholic) but he is smiling. It's almost like...he is using her to cover up what he has done.

 

This man LOVED me. He held me on a pedastle. We had our problems...like everyone else but they were never so bad that he said he was going to leave. Up until he cheated he seemed on board with the wedding and was always so sweet. Now it's like he is another person.

 

I know there is a possibility that he loves her...but I just don't understand how. Maybe she is his soulmate? Maybe she showed him that he wasn't really in love with me? But, he has known her for 3 months...he barely knows her. They just met for cripes sake!!! I think he is caught up in the newness of it all and now that she is pregnant (I still don't know if I beleive that) he is just stuck.

 

It's just so hard to imagine how he could replace me so fast. I know she does new things and is new but we had so much history. Does he think she is going to put up with him when he is drunk and isn't taking care of the baby? He is very unstable emotionally and I think he has bipolar disorder...I am very worried about him when he does begin to realize and think about what he has done.

 

We were best friends...how can he just throw me away and not try to contact me. It's been 2 weeks!!! I will not call him but I want to.

 

His b-day is next Saturday, too. I wonder if it will even bother him if I don't call?

[Jasmine8719]

I don't know how you feel about cheating in relationships..but this interesting http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t138090/

[whichwayisup]

Do not call him on his birthday, that's a death sentence for you. You have no idea how he'll react either! It more than likely end up hurting you more, especially since he's being very cruel to you. You don't need to add to your pain by contacting him on his bday.

 

I know you want to contact him, everytime you get the urge, post here and remember: NO new contact = NO new hurts.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

That's the hardest thing for me to swallow...why is he mean to ME?? He did this. If he was so happy with her...what's the point in making me feel bad? Would't he want to protect my feelings?

 

It seems like this guy resented you all along for some reason.

 

That's why he did what he did.

 

Being a decent guy he just felt awful guilty about you for a while, but he is happier to be rid of you right now.

 

Not sure how much he loves her, but being free is more of a factor.

 

You don't seem heartbroken to me at all.

 

You just miss the convenience to having him, and you are pissed that he is happy and not missing you. Is just an ego thing.

 

Ariadne

[whichwayisup]

Not sure how much he loves her, but being free is more of a factor.

 

You don't seem heartbroken to me at all.

 

You just miss the convenience to having him, and you are pissed that he is happy and not missing you. Is just an ego thing.

 

This is just crappy Adriane. I don't understand your words sometimes, do you read all the posts first or just make up what you want to believe?

 

This man is sick and has run away from his future wife - He is freaking out, possibly having a nervous breakdown or something as what he is doing is NOT normal! There are ways of handling things and the way he is choosing to be is NOT normal.

 

Confused, I usually don't tell people to ignore other people's posts, but please don't listen ariadne!

[Confused9]

ariadne, I'm not sure what you are trying to say or why you are trying to make me feel worse...I am not going to even respond. You are cruel.

[Confused9]

Again, thanks whichway...I know I shouldn't call him. But, it's the first time in 7 years we won't spend his b-day together...I don't want him to be upset that I don't call. Here I go again thinking about him first.

[Confused9]

I will respond to one thing you said...Being a decent guy he just felt awful guilty about you for a while, but he is happier to be rid of you right now.

 

HOW the H*LL can you say he is a decent guy?

[whichwayisup]

Again, thanks whichway...I know I shouldn't call him. But, it's the first time in 7 years we won't spend his b-day together...I don't want him to be upset that I don't call. Here I go again thinking about him first.

 

You're welcome...And here's a big hug as you need afew right now...

 

His ego will be hurt if you don't call him - DO NOT mix that up with hurt feelings of emotions and in his heart. He is past the point of feeling ANY pain, hense his a@@hole moments and the way he is treating you. He probably HATES himself and because of that, he cannot deal with you or anyone else who cares about him.

 

The OW doesn't 'know' him at all, he has her fooled...

[Confused9]

I agree. They are totally living a lie right now.

 

I miss him so bad though. It's so hard to move on without any real closure or conversation or information. You know? He has been so cruel. SO SO cruel.

 

hug right back to you... : )