Why do men do this?

[London Girl]

Dated a guy for 5 weeks. He did all the chasing, pursuing, showering me with lots of affection whilst I thought I played it cool by taking things slowly and not instigating anything as I told him I am not going to be a rebound girl. Slept with him after one month. Thought everything was fine than out of the blue he dumps me by saying he is not ready for a relationship with anyone. Immediately soon after he's back on the dating site which is how we met, emailing after girls!

 

He tells me that I am great, blah blah and any man would give their right arm to me but it's just that he is not ready for a relationship as he had only been single for 6 months. The more I think of this the more I think it is because he is a commitment phobic.

 

Why do they treat us this way? I really was falling for this guy and got emotionally attached. I have not been in contact since he emailed me to wish me a happy birthday to which I responded and kept it short and have stuck with no contact ever since. It's been a week. Do you think he will change his mind especially since I have not contacted him and I've put my profile back on the dating site which I'm sure he will see?

[Leoni]

Some men and women are more interested in the chase and the ultimate goal of getting someone in bed with them. I sometimes wonder if it's a form of addiction.

[Woggle]

Because if he didn't do it you would lose interest in him.

[London Girl]

Hmm my friends did think whether it was because he was only after sex. But I really don't think it was. He's 36 and told me that he does not sleep around as he's not 26. He was not even that great in bed. Without going into detail the first time we slept together he said that it takes him a little time to do his "business" esp. when it comes to sleeping with someone new. He did not want to be put under pressure.

 

He never made a move on me sexually during our first or second dates. He only went for a snog on our third date and could not stop snogging me ever since our third date.

 

I just cannot comprehend how he was so into me one minute and the next minute it is over. It's just so bizarre!

[Leoni]

The pursuit and conquest is a form of external validation:

 

"Do I still have it?"

[oppath]

Sometimes it's not that the guy just wants sex. It is that sex is very intimate. After we have sex, we are suddenly more intimate than we want to be with that person, often because we are forced to realize "is this woman a match for me?" Basically, you are suddenly more intimate with someone than your feelings and desires dictate, so you end the relationship after sex.

 

That is what has happened to me a couple times after sex. Only then, when we are highly intimate (sex for me has strong emotional aspects), do we realize that we don't want the overall level of intimacy with that woman. It's not that we used them for sex, it's that we did not thoroughly examine how much we liked them and if we were prepared for more.

 

As long as everything is "ok" with a woman, a guy will keep seeing her. When he sleeps with her, he realizes "ok is not enough for this level of intimacy." I'm not saying it is right, what I am saying is that he wasn't thinking "I'm just going to use her for sex" and I don't believe it is the thrill of the chase. I think during the chase, men ignore their real instincts about how they connect to the woman. They pay attention after sex because "****, what does this mean, relationship? Do I even like this person?"

 

I for one have decided that unless a girl is really hot or seems to want something casual, I'm not going to have sex until I, as a dude, have decided I want to be exclusive. We'll see if I hold out that long.

[London Girl]

Thx for your opinions. It's so hard to figure out what was the real reason. He got abit distant even BEFORE we had sex. I asked him when did he start having reservations and he said that during the time when he first visited my flat and then I visited his (at this suggestion). He thought to himself that "this is heading towards a steady relationship and we are having sex" which is what a couple would do and he knew then that he was not ready for a relationship with anyone.

 

In his previous relationship, he fell out of love with ex for 9 months and became distant with her but did not dump her because he said he did not want to feel guilty as she had nowhere to live. He basically made her miserable hoping she will eventually dump him which she did to which he was relieved. This is a sign of a commitment phobic.

 

Do you think it's more the case that he is seriously not ready for a relationship and just want abit of "single time" as I know he likes his own space and freedom?

[PrincessBOT]

Dated a guy for 5 weeks. He did all the chasing, pursuing, showering me with lots of affection whilst I thought I played it cool by taking things slowly and not instigating anything as I told him I am not going to be a rebound girl. Slept with him after one month. Thought everything was fine than out of the blue he dumps me by saying he is not ready for a relationship with anyone. Immediately soon after he's back on the dating site which is how we met, emailing after girls!

 

He tells me that I am great, blah blah and any man would give their right arm to me but it's just that he is not ready for a relationship as he had only been single for 6 months. The more I think of this the more I think it is because he is a commitment phobic.

 

Why do they treat us this way? I really was falling for this guy and got emotionally attached. I have not been in contact since he emailed me to wish me a happy birthday to which I responded and kept it short and have stuck with no contact ever since. It's been a week. Do you think he will change his mind especially since I have not contacted him and I've put my profile back on the dating site which I'm sure he will see?

 

 

They do it because they love the chase and the reward not to mention there are no consequences. I've learned that the only way we women can combat this is by being super selective aned super patient. Those men in it just for the chase will tire and move on to something may be not easier (because they love the chase), but more likely to produce results faster. The genuine men will be the ones that stick around and I here they are out there.

 

I personally have also decided that there will be consequences, but that isn't for everyone. You have to have been screwed over 1 too many times to get to this point.

[PrincessBOT]

Hmm my friends did think whether it was because he was only after sex. But I really don't think it was. He's 36 and told me that he does not sleep around as he's not 26. He was not even that great in bed. Without going into detail the first time we slept together he said that it takes him a little time to do his "business" esp. when it comes to sleeping with someone new. He did not want to be put under pressure.

 

He never made a move on me sexually during our first or second dates. He only went for a snog on our third date and could not stop snogging me ever since our third date.

 

I just cannot comprehend how he was so into me one minute and the next minute it is over. It's just so bizarre!

 

 

Don't make excuses for him, he made enough of them himself. Why the heck did it take you two sleeping together for him to realize he was not ready for a relationship. Most men know that if a woman is not a fast or a w*ore sleeping together after a month is a big step.

[MacgyverThis]

It's not that we used them for sex, it's that we did not thoroughly examine how much we liked them and if we were prepared for more.

 

I for one have decided that unless a girl is really hot or seems to want something casual, I'm not going to have sex until I, as a dude, have decided I want to be exclusive. We'll see if I hold out that long.

 

This is a refreshing insight, half the time you wonder if guys are becoming more distant because they are worried that you haven't had sex with them and therefore you don't like them enough, so they go.

 

So men are human after all. And those little boys who tell you if you want to show me you care, you would sleep with me are just after sex.

This has cleared up alot for me. I am so glad i joined this forum

 

And London Girl, I am really sorry to hear about you and that looser guy. If its any consolation I was/am in the same situation, I didn't sleep with him but it still hurts an incredible amount.

The hurt feelings will still remain but if you work at it and do stuff, like take up a new hobby, it helps the time pass faster, you have less time to reflect over him. Also, he seems quite crazy but not a complete nutter, you might be able to talk over stuff with him when you feel up to it.

And you will find that the hurt becomes more bearable over time.

[London Girl]

I did think the fact that perhaps I did not show that much interest with him at the "beginning" that he may leave me anyway because of his own insecurities and failure of this previous relationship. However, I did tell him the reason I was on my guard was because I was wary that he had only been single for 4.5 months and I am not going to be his rebound girl but nevertheless he kept pursuing me and showering me with so much affection. I remember he used to always try to please me whether it was to let me watch what I wanted on TV, when I gave him a shoulder massage, he wanted to do the same even when we had sex he wanted to please me first. I just thought that was so odd.

 

It annoys me that he can just cut me off so abruptly without even giving us a chance and now actively back on the dating site. It's not nice to hurt people and I feel my self esteem is crushed again. You just can't help but think was it something I said or something about me that made him change his mind literally overnight.

[Racquel Colette]

It's really not about him being a commitment phobic. That is what women say as excuses.....I'm sorry but the purpose of dating is sort of an 'interview' to see if you want to go further into a deeper relationship or 'the next level' (as is used in the movie "You've Got Mail.") Well, after a few weeks, he had decided not to go to the next level with you because he didn't feel "it." I'm sorry and I know women get upset but every guy you date doesn't always end up feeling the same way you do. It sucks but it's a fact of life.

 

My only advice is next time wait 2 months instead of one month to get sexually intimate. You might have subconsciously sensed that he was already checking out of dating you so you slept with him as a subconscious way to keep him.

You just have to move on. He's just not into you. That is life.

[London Girl]

Thanks for your opinions. I am getting mixed advice on this.

 

He texted me last night saying

 

"Hey you, hope you are well and had a fun birthday. I'm out with [Joe Bloggs], he says hi, how weird is this, he's one of my best friends from school, take care x"

 

I do know this Joe Bloggs as he used to work at the same Company as I where I still work but why even mention my name to his friend let alone telling me about it?

 

Don't you think he is odd? Do you think he is still interested? Shall I respond?

[ncpd25]

Hey London Girl,

I'm so sorry you had to deal with everything he put you through. A couple of things:

By no means, beat yourself up or feel as if you did something wrong. Just by reading these posts, it's rather clear he has his head up his a$$.

Eventhough he's 36, he's still acting like a little boy. Granted, breakups occur, but, it's the way people go about it that's the most annoying part. They act as if your the most incredible person in the world and then for some unknown or rubbish reason, they turn and walk with out even flinching!!

He's a 36 year old guy. You would think he would have his feelings in check to a certain extent and not walk into something, act a certain way and then handing out mental hotfoots without even thinking of how his actions will effect you. Sounds pretty self-absorbed to me!

 

As I said, I realize not every relationship works but, he seems rather shallow and superficial if you ask me.

 

It is true that not all guys are like that. I'm a bit older than him, but, I always try to maintain my thoughts and feelings and not do something, if I feel halfhearted about it. I've been hurt and I couldn't do that to somebody.

 

My ex girlfriend did the same thing that happened to you. She was "head over heels" with me. Told me she was in love with me, didn't want to ever lose me etc...She told me I was her soulmate and she got a warm feeling inside everytime she saw me and her heart melted when she looked into my eyes. Some of these things she said to me 3 days before she said: "I thought I felt that way, but I don't" but "I still care about you". Enough with the highschool headgames! I sat for 1 1/2 months and stewed after finding out she told me lie after lie (said she was divorced 4 years ago and then I found out her divorce went through while we were still together, she even had court dates when we were together).

 

I sat around and beat myself up (yes, it drags your self esteem down). I couldn't get over the way she lied, so I started a thread on here and asked about sending her an email to tell her off about her lies. That way she would know, that I know about her lies. I did send the email and she was really upset because she knew I "found her out". I felt so much better after sending the email. Of course, I'm not saying you need to do that (different circumstances).

 

Listen, it was 5 weeks out of your life. I know the feelings are still there and it still hurts but, be thankful it didn't go on for a year or two or you got married and then he pulled this crap. Five weeks isn't even a football season!!

You need to convince yourself that him leaving was his loss, not yours. Get over this and when you're ready to date again, see where it takes you. Be certain to not end up with somebody that just got out a relationship recently. I went through the same thing with my ex. She knew how I felt about rebounds and I asked her when she got divorced, she said 4 years. She later told me she dated somebody for four years after her husband and she broke up with him 8 months before meeting me. Turns out, she broke up with him 2 weeks before meeting me. She ended up marrying him less than a month after walking away from me. I didn't feel bad, he cheated on her and constantly lied to her. About a week before leaving me, she told me she spoke with him and he explained why he cheated and she said, she now understood why he did it??? It's hard because you have to take people at face value to a certain extent because you don't know them. Needless to say, it's just a matter of time before her new husband is back on the prowl. Karma!!

 

Be strong my friend!!

[Yernasia Quorelios]

He did all the chasing, pursuing, showering me with lots of affection whilst I thought I played it cool by taking things slowly and not instigating anything as I told him I am not going to be a rebound girl.

 

<SNIP>

 

He tells me that I am great, blah blah and any man would give their right arm to me but it's just that he is not ready for a relationship as he had only been single for 6 months.

 

<SNIP>

 

Why do they treat us this way? I really was falling for this guy and got emotionally attached.

 

<SNIP>

This is a classic example of falling in love with what someone is doing rather than with that someone. This happens to both men and women.

 

How can we tell difference? It is very hard but achievable.

 

Some people will wait patiently for a very long time, for example:

 

I've learned that the only way we women can combat this is by being super selective aned super patient. Those men in it just for the chase will tire and move on to something may be not easier (because they love the chase), but more likely to produce results faster. The genuine men will be the ones that stick around and I here they are out there.

Others may go to the extremes of treating the person very badly for a while to see if their love is strong enough to withstand worst case scenarios.

 

Sorry to hear about your pain, it will pass and subside to a dull ache. Good luck moving on.

[London Girl]

Thx for your input guys. After a little while, I responded to his text he sent me last night, I kept in short and lighthearted without any questions. He responded literally as soon as I text him. He is one odd man bearing in mind he finished with me. I decided to keep my options open and not put all my eggs in one basket. I did that with my ex ex and wasted one year trying to get him back. I am not going to make the same mistake twice.

 

I think it is unfair that people get involved with someone else if they have not sorted themselves out emotionally. I seem to get involved with men with emotional baggage and I bear the brunt from the way their previous exes treated them. I remember last year when to be honest I was not emotionally ready but I went on various dates to boost my confidence but I told them from the first date that I was not ready for a relationship, okay I may have led them on but only to the first date.

 

There are so many messed up people out there. Fortunately for myself I've had 9 months of therapy to sort myself out emotionally and I feel I am now ready to move on with life.

[Krytie TV]

I've learned that the only way we women can combat this is by being super selective aned super patient. Those men in it just for the chase will tire and move on to something may be not easier (because they love the chase), but more likely to produce results faster. The genuine men will be the ones that stick around and I here they are out there.

I usually sit back and smile at these threads that contain the female answers to male behaviors. However, at this point I need to say something.

 

This statement above strikes me as one of the most hypocritical comments I have come across. What this is implying is that women should wait around for the man to tire of the chase so that you can see that he's really in it?

 

And what women would be doing this exactly? Given that when men stop the chase the women complain about not being chased anymore, how exactly does this all piece together? Let me guess. You would tell men to not chase and this is supposed to impress women? Oh come now.

 

Seriously ladies... which is it? I had a clue before, but it has become evident that you guys truly have no idea either. You're making this up as you go along. Whatever a guy does, he should have done the other thing. Very insightful... thank you Captain Obvious.

 

It reminds me of the old "Flower or Tree" game. Whatever you guess, it's the other.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

...to my previous post in this thread.

 

An example of a male perspective on the patience approach...

As long as everything is "ok" with a woman, a guy will keep seeing her. When he sleeps with her, he realizes "ok is not enough for this level of intimacy." I'm not saying it is right, what I am saying is that he wasn't thinking "I'm just going to use her for sex" and I don't believe it is the thrill of the chase. I think during the chase, men ignore their real instincts about how they connect to the woman. They pay attention after sex because "****, what does this mean, relationship? Do I even like this person?"

 

I for one have decided that unless a girl is really hot or seems to want something casual, I'm not going to have sex until I, as a dude, have decided I want to be exclusive. We'll see if I hold out that long.

[PrincessBOT]

I usually sit back and smile at these threads that contain the female answers to male behaviors. However, at this point I need to say something.

 

This statement above strikes me as one of the most hypocritical comments I have come across. What this is implying is that women should wait around for the man to tire of the chase so that you can see that he's really in it?

 

And what women would be doing this exactly? Given that when men stop the chase the women complain about not being chased anymore, how exactly does this all piece together? Let me guess. You would tell men to not chase and this is supposed to impress women? Oh come now.

 

Seriously ladies... which is it? I had a clue before, but it has become evident that you guys truly have no idea either. You're making this up as you go along. Whatever a guy does, he should have done the other thing. Very insightful... thank you Captain Obvious.

 

It reminds me of the old "Flower or Tree" game. Whatever you guess, it's the other.

 

I am having trouble sleeping and I find this, now I am really awake.

 

I am not implying that women should wait for men to tire of the chase. This is what I mean:

 

I have read, heard and experienced "confused" men. It turns out that a lot of times they are not really confused at all. They are mentally lazy because if they took a little time to sort out what they are feeling and doing and how it affects the other person they may get a clue. It’s like the latest trend, not only becoming confused but remaining in a state of confusion.

 

However, I have also talked to very expressive men who are able to get out of dating or relationships what they want without being "confused". One guy, 32 years old, that after a very bad failed engagement, knows that he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids. Women that he deals with he lets them know up front. So far he has had no problems dating and being intimate with woman that are grateful for his honesty. In my opinion it allows them to be determine how emotionally involved they want to become. The flip side is that he is never with one woman very long. There is another young man, 24 years old, despite everyone thinking he was too young started searching for a wife at 19 years old. He said he would sit and think about his life and career and the type of woman he wanted to share that with. He was married at 23 and so far is extremely in love and happy. He wasn't confused because he wasn't mentally lazy.

 

So what am I getting at? IMO if I know what I want and how I want to be treated by a man then there must be men who know what they want and how they want to be treated by a woman. So I have to be very patient in few respects. 1) In that I should only consider being with men the exhibit similar ideals 2)If he doesn't exhibit those ideals early on then we are in two different places in our lives and may never match so move on. It requires patience to let go and continue the search 3) In regards to sex the longer I wait to have it the more that is revealed. I am no expert, but it seems that men who date in order to have sex don't usually get past the 1.5 to 2 month mark and I am being generous. Yes they will chase and pursue, but they want a fast return on their investment and if they don't get it they invest in something else.

 

Also being selective is having an idea of the characteristics that I want and need in man and choosing to be with a man that exhibits them. Not someone who is perpetually confused (i.e. mentally lazy). Who probably just wants something different then I want, but saying it would mean having to give up a beautiful, intelligent, kind, successful, fun, loving, etc, etc woman before he is ready.

 

So to the contrary, I don't think women should wait for men to tire of the chase. I feel that by being selective we cut down the chances of getting a man that will chase, but start to lose interest as soon as we start to show a desire to become serious. By being patient we allow ourselves time to get to know the real person not the representative.

 

I don't understand what you mean about women complaining about men that stop chasing. You lost me on that part of the comment.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

PincessBOT...great post .

[SunnyLady]

I am having trouble sleeping and I find this, now I am really awake.

 

 

 

I have read, heard and experienced "confused" men. It turns out that a lot of times they are not really confused at all. They are mentally lazy because if they took a little time to sort out what they are feeling and doing and how it affects the other person they may get a clue. It’s like the latest trend, not only becoming confused but remaining in a state of confusion.

 

However, I have also talked to very expressive men who are able to get out of dating or relationships what they want without being "confused". One guy, 32 years old, that after a very bad failed engagement, knows that he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids. Women that he deals with he lets them know up front. So far he has had no problems dating and being intimate with woman that are grateful for his honesty. In my opinion it allows them to be determine how emotionally involved they want to become. The flip side is that he is never with one woman very long. There is another young man, 24 years old, despite everyone thinking he was too young started searching for a wife at 19 years old. He said he would sit and think about his life and career and the type of woman he wanted to share that with. He was married at 23 and so far is extremely in love and happy. He wasn't confused because he wasn't mentally lazy.

 

 

 

Also being selective is having an idea of the characteristics that I want and need in man and choosing to be with a man that exhibits them. Not someone who is perpetually confused (i.e. mentally lazy). Who probably just wants something different then I want, but saying it would mean having to give up a beautiful, intelligent, kind, successful, fun, loving, etc, etc woman before he is ready.

 

.

 

 

EXCELLENT post!!!! This is soooo true. They remain in a permanent "state of confusion". Thanks for enlightening me thus far...

[SunnyLady]

I am having trouble sleeping and I find this, now I am really awake.

 

I am not implying that women should wait for men to tire of the chase. This is what I mean:

 

I have read, heard and experienced "confused" men. It turns out that a lot of times they are not really confused at all. They are mentally lazy because if they took a little time to sort out what they are feeling and doing and how it affects the other person they may get a clue. It’s like the latest trend, not only becoming confused but remaining in a state of confusion.

 

However, I have also talked to very expressive men who are able to get out of dating or relationships what they want without being "confused". One guy, 32 years old, that after a very bad failed engagement, knows that he never wants to get married and never wants to have kids. Women that he deals with he lets them know up front. So far he has had no problems dating and being intimate with woman that are grateful for his honesty. In my opinion it allows them to be determine how emotionally involved they want to become. The flip side is that he is never with one woman very long. There is another young man, 24 years old, despite everyone thinking he was too young started searching for a wife at 19 years old. He said he would sit and think about his life and career and the type of woman he wanted to share that with. He was married at 23 and so far is extremely in love and happy. He wasn't confused because he wasn't mentally lazy.

 

 

Also being selective is having an idea of the characteristics that I want and need in man and choosing to be with a man that exhibits them. Not someone who is perpetually confused (i.e. mentally lazy). Who probably just wants something different then I want, but saying it would mean having to give up a beautiful, intelligent, kind, successful, fun, loving, etc, etc woman before he is ready.

 

.

 

EXCELLENT post!!!!!!! Thank you for sharing these enlightening thoughts!!

I agree with every word of it.

[sb129]

Excellent post Princess BOT. Especially this part:-

 

So I have to be very patient in few respects. 1) In that I should only consider being with men the exhibit similar ideals 2)If he doesn't exhibit those ideals early on then we are in two different places in our lives and may never match so move on. It requires patience to let go and continue the search 3) In regards to sex the longer I wait to have it the more that is revealed.

 

When I actually applied this to my own dating, I found the right guy pretty quickly. He was in exactly the same place as me, and we are getting married in a years time.