Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 The thing is, this woman has lied to her own husband as well. I'm not saying she's lying to you, it's just that she is in NO position to be making ANY promises to you, let alone, allowing the feelings to grow between you two, UNTIL she leaves and divorces her husband. She could say alot of things she actually does mean, and she could have every intention IN that moment to carry them out - But due to the ring on her finger, any promises or discussions about the future cannot really happen, and things could change. I mean, if one of her kids gets sick, deathly ill, she ain't going anywhere, she'll choose to stay married because the child will need BOTH of the parents. I don't mean to poo-poo what you have with her, but you need to keep your eyes open and not take every word out of mouth as "this is how it's going to be." Hope this makes sense to you. Youre not poo-pooing (thank God) I am NOT counting on ANYTHING. The ONLY promise that I take from her is that she loves me. Thats it. I have NO clue what will happen. Believe me, I have spent far too much time "speculating". And what scares me to death, is reading all of these Posters here, the Husbands that have found out about their wives cheating. And they choose (for the moment) to STAY. Many whom have no clue how their wives feel OR even how they feel.. I remember reading Dazed posts. 3 flippin years before he finally couldnt take it any more and if I remember correctly, his wifes A was a short one based on sex and eneded right then and there. Mine has been 3 1/2 years, and HE knows ALOT of some of the details.. AND, by the way, she hasnt worn her ring in over 2 years...
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 AND, by the way, she hasnt worn her ring in over 2 years... That you know of, but when she's not with you...... Who knows what will happen, but just put a time limit on it for yourself. In a year if things are exactly as they are now, do you plan on sticking with her for another year? Some say, going NC (no contact) completely will force her to make a choice. She'll either do her best to fix her marriage, or she'll end and find you afterwards...Right now as things stand, she's got TWO men in her life, so I'm sure it's hard for her to give one of you up.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I know I am going back and forth and all over the place.. I WILL be Ok, it just sucks right now. I can't let go, I can't quit loving her, needing her, missing her, wishing and hoping for her, and I can't quit thinking how none of this could matter in the end. I will respect her if she chooses NOT to end the marriage for the sake of the kids, they are HER children and it would be HER choice, a choice I would have to live with. I know there are MANY people here that would say that one should NEVER stay "for the sake of the kids", and I am one of them, BUT, not in this case, I'd have to respect HER decision and let the rest of the folks speak for me about it. We are on day 3 of NC, and it seems like a year.. Thanks again
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 That you know of, but when she's not with you...... Who knows what will happen, but just put a time limit on it for yourself. In a year if things are exactly as they are now, do you plan on sticking with her for another year? Some say, going NC (no contact) completely will force her to make a choice. She'll either do her best to fix her marriage, or she'll end and find you afterwards...Right now as things stand, she's got TWO men in her life, so I'm sure it's hard for her to give one of you up. She doesnt wear the ring... just Monday, I walked into her house and up to her bathroom (she was blowdrying her hair and didnt hear me) and she didnt have it on. No tan line, no wearing of the ring. I know it's hard for EVERYBODY to believe, but their is enough TRUTH there for me from her that if she's lying to me, what she is lying to me about would be so small and insignificant, so why lie..
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 You walked into her house?? You make it sound like you just showed up without her knowing. Really, don't want to be a downer but who has tan lines this time of year? Also, you have mentioned lying several times in several posts. Sounds like you want someone to convince you that she is not lying to you. Gut instincts are right 99% of the time.
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Amen brother!!!! Absolutely agree. Be a f-ing man!!! Have some pride and do the right thing!
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 You walked into her house?? You make it sound like you just showed up without her knowing. Really, don't want to be a downer but who has tan lines this time of year? Also, you have mentioned lying several times in several posts. Sounds like you want someone to convince you that she is not lying to you. Gut instincts are right 99% of the time. She had no clue I was showing up.. she was getting ready for volunteering at her daugters school... whats your point???
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Several points: 1) pretty stalkish (glenn close related to you?), 2) you going to her house is not respectful for him or his family (even though you wax on and on about feeling bad for him, 3) sounds like you are a sad, conflicted man whose actions do not reflect his words. You ask for a ton of advise and validation on this site but I get the feeling your just looking for someone to make you feel better about being so selfish and not being a true man (by doing the right thing for child(ren)).
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Several points: 1) pretty stalkish (glenn close related to you?), 2) you going to her house is not respectful for him or his family (even though you wax on and on about feeling bad for him, 3) sounds like you are a sad, conflicted man whose actions do not reflect his words. You ask for a ton of advise and validation on this site but I get the feeling your just looking for someone to make you feel better about being so selfish and not being a true man (by doing the right thing for child(ren)). In all due respect, I AM confused. BUT am getting a grip. I am NOT related to Glen "flippin" Close and dont appreciate the reference. I AM trying to get ahold of this thing, a thing which I KNOW YOU don't understand and I am NOT interested in getting into a "thing" with YOU... While I appreciate ALL comments, whether soothing or critical, I don't appreciate someone, who has no clue spouting off at ME.... I AM a true man, and DO care about the children, BOTH of ours.... Thank you
In Like Flynn Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Remember this will have no future. Those kids she is concerned about will hate your guts if they find out and the husband will make sure, if they don't repair their marriage. She then will have to choose between her relationship with her kids and you.....guess who wins!!!
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Remember this will have no future. Those kids she is concerned about will hate your guts if they find out and the husband will make sure, if they don't repair their marriage. She then will have to choose between her relationship with her kids and you.....guess who wins!!! No arguement, IF the Husband does this. It had been brougtt up that "he will poison their monds" in counselling, and the counsellor told him that that would be the worst thing he could do, because, WHO does it really help? HIM? no, the KIDS, no, me or her? NO!! BUT youare correct sir, if he did decide to do such a thing, it isnt good for me.. "We love him, because HE loved us first.." comes to my mind.. And I DO love them.. And I DO HATE THIS
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 In all due respect, I AM confused. BUT am getting a grip. I am NOT related to Glen "flippin" Close and dont appreciate the reference. I AM trying to get ahold of this thing, a thing which I KNOW YOU don't understand and I am NOT interested in getting into a "thing" with YOU... While I appreciate ALL comments, whether soothing or critical, I don't appreciate someone, who has no clue spouting off at ME.... I AM a true man, and DO care about the children, BOTH of ours.... Thank you I don't mean too much disrespect but you have posted quite a bit today and I feel I do know a bit of what is going on with you. You have shared quite a bit. Now, How are you trying to get ahold of this thing? Sounds like you are trying to stay IN this thing! You showing up at her house, when her kids could have been there, when her H could have been there. If you are doing things like that, maybe she hasn't ended this with you because she is scared to death of you. Worth considering! Also, to your reference that your not interested in getting into a 'thing' with me, well, sometimes introspection and reality hurts sometimes. Sorry if my bedside manner toward someone doing the things you are doing isn't soothing enough for your taste. You asked for opinions and I'm taking the time to give it.
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 To be productive, and hopefully start anew, please answer me this. Why has she not left him to be with you?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 I don't mean too much disrespect but you have posted quite a bit today and I feel I do know a bit of what is going on with you. You have shared quite a bit. Now, How are you trying to get ahold of this thing? Sounds like you are trying to stay IN this thing! You showing up at her house, when her kids could have been there, when her H could have been there. If you are doing things like that, maybe she hasn't ended this with you because she is scared to death of you. Worth considering! Also, to your reference that your not interested in getting into a 'thing' with me, well, sometimes introspection and reality hurts sometimes. Sorry if my bedside manner toward someone doing the things you are doing isn't soothing enough for your taste. You asked for opinions and I'm taking the time to give it. OK, now we have this "thing".. I have been to her house a number of times, and I have ALWAYS been welcomed (kids were at school, H at work, I KNOW HER SCHEDULE!, so QUIT with the weird thoughts.. She is NOT scared of me and I am NOT a stalker, so stop it!!! Of course I am trying to "stay in this thing", I LOVE HER! I AM tring to figure this out and YOU need to figure that out! Sorry if MY bedside manner isnt soothing to you...
stillhere Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Sorry SD, didn't realize you posted your story in the infidelity section. I don't venture over here............... I think your MW is having second thoughts, or is just scared to leave a comfortable situation. It happens. She's afraid to venture out into the world on a wing and a prayer with someone new. My MM had this concern as well. He told me he was afraid to start over, after being with his W for so long. Apparently, he now feels that it's worth the risk for love and happiness, so he's following his heart. It's not too often that the married person just up and leaves. They are afraid of losing their children, their financial status, all they've known for so long, to start over with someone that they may not really be compatable with. It's a big risk, even if their M isn't all that great.
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 OK.... again trying to help...not trying to ruffle your feathers, but now I'm back to the conflict between what you say and what you are doing. Quote from you earlier today "I AM leaving them alone... I HAVE put myself in his shoes, and I HATE IT!" So, I am confused as to how you leave them alone when you show up at HIS house? Explain that to all of us as your posts are very confusing. You are looking for our help but it is hard to give when we are hearing conflicting information. Seems to me if you were putting yourself in his shoes, his house would be the last place you would go. Are you having a hard time controlling your actions? I would think a man who (another quote) could "tackle the world" would have that discipline. Please help all of us help you.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 Sorry SD, didn't realize you posted your story in the infidelity section. I don't venture over here............... I think your MW is having second thoughts, or is just scared to leave a comfortable situation. It happens. She's afraid to venture out into the world on a wing and a prayer with someone new. My MM had this concern as well. He told me he was afraid to start over, after being with his W for so long. Apparently, he now feels that it's worth the risk for love and happiness, so he's following his heart. It's not too often that the married person just up and leaves. They are afraid of losing their children, their financial status, all they've known for so long, to start over with someone that they may not really be compatable with. It's a big risk, even if their M isn't all that great. Thanks for the post, and you are right, I AM scared that she will stay for alot of those reasons, BUT if the reasons ARE the children, then I have NO choice but to respect that. That is HER choice.. I KNOW it is not to stay with HIM.. Either way, I STILL will hurt, but at least understand and respect...
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 The thing is, even if she stays because of him, she won't tell you that as she knows it would really hurt you, so she is going to focus more on the kids as her reason to stay. Are you in any kind of counselling? If not, consider it because the rollercoaster ride you're on will eventually do damage to your self confidence...Also, by going to counselling, maybe you'll become strong enough to walk away completley and stay in NC mode. Did you do a site search on ratingsguy, oyster and bonehead? 3 OM who were involved with MW.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 OK.... again trying to help...not trying to ruffle your feathers, but now I'm back to the conflict between what you say and what you are doing. Quote from you earlier today "I AM leaving them alone... I HAVE put myself in his shoes, and I HATE IT!" So, I am confused as to how you leave them alone when you show up at HIS house? Explain that to all of us as your posts are very confusing. You are looking for our help but it is hard to give when we are hearing conflicting information. Seems to me if you were putting yourself in his shoes, his house would be the last place you would go. Are you having a hard time controlling your actions? I would think a man who (another quote) could "tackle the world" would have that discipline. Please help all of us help you. You ARE correct my friend.. I am struggling here.. I AM NOT a stalker, she was happy to see me, BUT I told her that I HEAR HER, so she will have the space, BUT it is so very hard.. EVERY DAY, for 3 1/2 years, we have been WE, and NOW, it has come to a screeching halt!! And I AM trying to deal with it, "tackling the world" as it feels.. SOrry if I am too defensive...
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 you didn't answer my question, why do YOU think she hasn't left him for you?
stillhere Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 WWIU..........out of those guys you mentioned, 2 of them did witness their MW's leave, but they (the OM's) were not the ones they ran to. They waited all that time and ended up having their hearts stomped on. SD, sometimes love just isn't enough. That's what i worried about all along with my MM. As of right now, he is planning a way out, BUT that could come to a halt at any point in time. I won't relax until he crawls into bed next to me, and wakes up with me by his side. These situations aren't all cut and dry. Sometimes we think it would be so easy to walk away from a horrible situation, but that's not always the case. Guilt, fear of the unknown, the children, whatever the reason, can make someone stay even if they aren't happy.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 you didn't answer my question, why do YOU think she hasn't left him for you? See Still Here's post.... Many reasons.. So, what do I do knowing this???????????????????????? I love her
outoftheditch Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 What do you do? Simple. . . have the decency as a human, a man, and a father to leave thier family alone. Allow them to work through the issues and if it ends, it will be ending on thier terms, not with the stain of your involvement on it. If she loves you, allow her to do what she needs to be done. And give the family at least a piece of a chance to survive.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 7, 2007 Author Posted December 7, 2007 What do you do? Simple. . . have the decency as a human, a man, and a father to leave thier family alone. Allow them to work through the issues and if it ends, it will be ending on thier terms, not with the stain of your involvement on it. If she loves you, allow her to do what she needs to be done. And give the family at least a piece of a chance to survive. i am doing that.... 3 days, which seems like 3 moths, BUT i AM doing so.. Thats why I am here for 2 days, TRYING
stillhere Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 i am doing that.... 3 days, which seems like 3 moths, BUT i AM doing so.. Thats why I am here for 2 days, TRYING I give you a lot of credit SD. It's not easy to walk away from the person you are in love with. That's why NC (no contact) is so hard. But OOTD is right, you have to leave her be, and if she does love you, she will come back. Now is the best time to find a new hobby. Anything to keep your mind off of her. She knows where to find you, so if she is to leave, she will be sure to hunt you down. Chances are, you were helping her M, in a way, with your presence. You made going home to a horrible situation better just by being in the picture. She knew she could lean on you for comfort and protection. Now that you aren't there, she may realize just how unhappy she really is. Not knowing what is going on with her is going to hurt, but i think you need to start focusing on you and what makes you happy, other than her. I have to go to bed, but i hope you start to feel better real soon. I'll check up on you when i get home from work tomorrow.
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