Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 If you google "5 types of affairs", go to the link that shows up at affairrecovery.com, and you'll find her under "having your cake and eating it too". Thanks Reboot.. What was your story again? I think I remember you from Dazed posts, right?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 If you google "5 types of affairs", go to the link that shows up at affairrecovery.com, and you'll find her under "having your cake and eating it too". [COLOR=#008000]www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Shery3.html [/COLOR] [COLOR=#008000]This is how I see it... But, what do I know? anything can happen...[/COLOR]
smartgirl Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I am answering this based on the original post, I've not read the whole thread. I am basing this on my opinion as a woman who has been lured by the interest of another man and also as the BS of a man who was in an A for a year and has recomitted fully to me. If she wanted to leave her H for you, she would have done it by now. A woman will feel mightly interested in a man that makes her feel desirable and wanted. She will fantasize endlessly about being with him. But at the end of the day, a woman will go with the man that can admire and look up to the most and who will be the best provider and father of her future children. You can't give short shrift to romance, but in the end a woman will not trade a sound future for pure romance.
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Once again, I appreciate everyones feedback, as someone stated, "from the OUTSIDE looking IN", this is the perspective I probably need to hear and see... Stampdaddy, do you honestly believe that sex is not a part of their efforts to rebuild their marriage? That even tonight, they're not sleeping in the same bed, holding each other, f***ing each other? And you're sitting here, wondering what the future holds for you. You, my friend, have been used. Many here will say that you've gotten what you deserve... Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Couldnt have said that better myself. mr lucky. He only hear what he wants to hear. So be it!
LifesontheUp Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Why are waiting for somone who could have so easily gone to you when her husband found out? Put yourself in her husbands shoes for a minute. How would you feel on top of everything else if you found out that the OM has not had the decency to leave you alone to try and repair the marriage. Honestly, you are being played by a cake eater. What makes you think that she won't just keep you waiting for another 3 1/2 years? Do not enable her to use you any longer. Show some decency and respect for a change and leave her go.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Stampdaddy, do you honestly believe that sex is not a part of their efforts to rebuild their marriage? That even tonight, they're not sleeping in the same bed, holding each other, f***ing each other? And you're sitting here, wondering what the future holds for you. You, my friend, have been used. Many here will say that you've gotten what you deserve... Mr. Lucky Well, in fact since they havent had sex in almost 3 years, I cant imagine that theyve jumped back at it... So I'm not really worried about that. However, IF they started to "work" on their marriage, I'm sure the subject would come up, but I wouldnt know, cause I'd be long gone... I cant stand the thought of them just "sleeping" in the same bed, and YES, I will agree with you, I HAVE GOTTEN WHAT I DESERVE.... And Chrome, I am posting because I NEED to hear what others have to say, and it will be hard... But I AM TRYING!
LifesontheUp Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Well, in fact since they havent had sex in almost 3 years, I cant imagine that theyve jumped back at it... So I'm not really worried about that. However, IF they started to "work" on their marriage, I'm sure the subject would come up, but I wouldnt know, cause I'd be long gone... I cant stand the thought of them just "sleeping" in the same bed, and YES, I will agree with you, I HAVE GOTTEN WHAT I DESERVE.... And Chrome, I am posting because I NEED to hear what others have to say, and it will be hard... But I AM TRYING! You are kidding yourself Stampdaddy. It will happen even if it hasn't happened already..... it will be part and parcel of them trying to heal the marriage. I'll promise you that her husband will want too in order to "claim" his wife back. Please let her go, it'll be better for you too in the long run.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Why are waiting for somone who could have so easily gone to you when her husband found out? Put yourself in her husbands shoes for a minute. How would you feel on top of everything else if you found out that the OM has not had the decency to leave you alone to try and repair the marriage. Honestly, you are being played by a cake eater. What makes you think that she won't just keep you waiting for another 3 1/2 years? Do not enable her to use you any longer. Show some decency and respect for a change and leave her go. I AM leaving them alone... I HAVE put myself in his shoes, and I HATE IT! It is very hard to let someone go that you love so much. At least with a Divorce, you still have a connection for the rest of your lives because of the children, here, it's FINAL and FOREVER, so it's very hard.. Everyday, every single day, we have loved eachother, everyday, she has a "chalkboard" note or poem from me, everyday I try my hardest to "make her feel beautiful", everyday, we have a routine - so it is the hardest thing I will ever do, but I HAVE TO DO IT thanks
LifesontheUp Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I AM leaving them alone... I HAVE put myself in his shoes, and I HATE IT! It is very hard to let someone go that you love so much. At least with a Divorce, you still have a connection for the rest of your lives because of the children, here, it's FINAL and FOREVER, so it's very hard.. Everyday, every single day, we have loved eachother, everyday, she has a "chalkboard" note or poem from me, everyday I try my hardest to "make her feel beautiful", everyday, we have a routine - so it is the hardest thing I will ever do, but I HAVE TO DO IT thanks I'm not belittling how you feel at all. But she is using you and has done for the last 3 1/2 years. Please have some respect for yourself and move on. That means if she contacts you, ignore her. It'll be hard. God knows I've felt my own loss and betrayal through the years. It takes time, but slowly you will get over it.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 I'm not belittling how you feel at all. But she is using you and has done for the last 3 1/2 years. Please have some respect for yourself and move on. That means if she contacts you, ignore her. It'll be hard. God knows I've felt my own loss and betrayal through the years. It takes time, but slowly you will get over it. Thanks! EVERYBODY says that she is "using me". Why can't it be possible that "she LOVES me"? Why can't it be possible that she will end her marriage with time, with a little more grace than with me standing right there front and center? Why can't it be possible for me to "honor" their space, while NOT turning my back on her, while I take care of my house, job and children? I understand that there is risk there, but can't the things that she has said be true? Why does everyone think that they can't? Am I that stupid? I'm a 40 year old man, that can tackle the world, but I can't seem to get a grasp of this at all...
noforgiveness Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks! EVERYBODY says that she is "using me". Why can't it be possible that "she LOVES me"? Why can't it be possible that she will end her marriage with time, with a little more grace than with me standing right there front and center? Why can't it be possible for me to "honor" their space, while NOT turning my back on her, while I take care of my house, job and children? I understand that there is risk there, but can't the things that she has said be true? Why does everyone think that they can't? Am I that stupid? I'm a 40 year old man, that can tackle the world, but I can't seem to get a grasp of this at all... She could love you but you have a very large obstacle to that love. HER HUSBAND. She is still married. How long are you willing to put your life on hold for a woman who is married to someone else?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 She could love you but you have a very large obstacle to that love. HER HUSBAND. She is still married. How long are you willing to put your life on hold for a woman who is married to someone else? I DON'T KNOW~
Cobra_X30 Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Thanks! EVERYBODY says that she is "using me". Why can't it be possible that "she LOVES me"? You will never know as long as you continue to enable her indecision! More than likely she has feelings for you both... that is possible. Take action or waste your life away waiting. Your choice friend.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 You will never know as long as you continue to enable her indecision! More than likely she has feelings for you both... that is possible. Take action or waste your life away waiting. Your choice friend. That's why I am HERE.. trying to get insight. it HAS been helping.
feelingtorn Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hi Stampdaddy, I've been lurking a lot, but your post really made me think hard about my own situation, so I am posting my story and thought. I am a MW and have been seeing a OM since Feb - almost 9 months. We are in love, but I am also in love with my H. I couldn't talk to anyone about my situation, and while I was feeling like losing my mind, I came across this website. Now, I know I am a cake-eater and for some weird reason, my feelings for H and OM are very compartmentalized. They are like apple and orange, and I can't seem to pick one. No, let me correct myself. I've decided to choose H over OM. I've known H almost 12 years and realized that my feeling for H is a lot stronger than for OM. I tried to break it off three times, but each time, OM persuaded me that we should continue. I recently tried again, but when he started talking about his next year plans for both of us, I just did not have a heart to stick to my decision. I am trying NC, but I am having W and can't seem to help myself yearning for his text message or email. What I am trying to say is I have no doubt that MW loves you. However, the fact she has not left her H tells me that she loves H more than you. Best wishes.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 Hi Stampdaddy, I've been lurking a lot, but your post really made me think hard about my own situation, so I am posting my story and thought. I am a MW and have been seeing a OM since Feb - almost 9 months. We are in love, but I am also in love with my H. I couldn't talk to anyone about my situation, and while I was feeling like losing my mind, I came across this website. Now, I know I am a cake-eater and for some weird reason, my feelings for H and OM are very compartmentalized. They are like apple and orange, and I can't seem to pick one. No, let me correct myself. I've decided to choose H over OM. I've known H almost 12 years and realized that my feeling for H is a lot stronger than for OM. I tried to break it off three times, but each time, OM persuaded me that we should continue. I recently tried again, but when he started talking about his next year plans for both of us, I just did not have a heart to stick to my decision. I am trying NC, but I am having W and can't seem to help myself yearning for his text message or email. What I am trying to say is I have no doubt that MW loves you. However, the fact she has not left her H tells me that she loves H more than you. Best wishes. Thanks for your post and I hope you get things figured out for yourself, I know it's tough. There is no doubt that she loves me, she loves me to death. and she is IN LOVE with me. I do know that she loves her H, but it's that "I'm not in love with you type", that "I want good things for you type". You know these things, because you talk, as a couple, and I'm understanding, so she can discuss tough things with me. They have been married for 18 years, known each other for 25, so there is no doubt that there WERE feelings there, maybe are, but they havent been there for over 3 years, and probably longer. She doesnt know if they can EVER come back.. There are children, and that is the biggest thing. She is giving him the time that he/they deserve to figure things out. Where does that leave ME?? Right here on LS posting til my fingers bleed. I'll get it figured out. Thanks
reboot Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 It just really gets old hearing people say this "In Love" junk. "Love" and "In Love" are the same damn thing. People like you misunderstand the feeling you get when your brain gets doused in dopamine and adrenalin and testosterone for "In Love". She had all these same feelings for her husband once. Else why did she marry him? If and when you actually have a real relationship with this woman, and real life with her becomes your reality, those "In Love" feelings will go away, just like they did for her with her original husband, and all you'll be left with is wondering when she's going to cheat on you. Maybe you can come here and read about her next boyfriend discovering poetry too. Sorry for being so blunt, but you need a dose of truth.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I do know that she loves her H, but it's that "I'm not in love with you type", that "I want good things for you type But she may have that LONG LASTING love with her husband, the kind of love that isn't just based on hot sex, lust and passion. It's more than that. This is the man who will sit and hold her hair back while she throws up. This is the man who will support her through rough times, whether it be financial, an illness, or just the normal crap life throws at you in general. The husband has her love and it's the good, the bad and the ugly, not just the good. They have a history together, children, friends and family. Inlaws, cousins, extended family, neighbours, co-workers etc...Their lives are meshed in EVERY way and I don't understand how an OW or an OM can expect a MM/MW to just drop everything, divorce and start a new life! Feelingtorn, you are in a tough situation, you have two men that you love and soon you MUST make a choice and stick to it. What you are doing now is cruel to both men. Yes, you want the OM, but is it fair to HIM that you can't give him more? Just when you have time to spare for him? To put your family and kids first over him? His heart probably is breaking...And, your husband - Is it fair of you to have an affair and fall for someone else behind his back? He deserves ALL your love, your affection and attention on HIM as he is the one you married. Good luck, to both of you and like reboot, I'm sorry if I've come off harsh. Get some counselling in to help you get stronger so you can make a decision once and for all. Doing what you're doing now is only hurting yourself, let alone innocent people who don't deserve this treatment.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 It just really gets old hearing people say this "In Love" junk. "Love" and "In Love" are the same damn thing. People like you misunderstand the feeling you get when your brain gets doused in dopamine and adrenalin and testosterone for "In Love". She had all these same feelings for her husband once. Else why did she marry him? If and when you actually have a real relationship with this woman, and real life with her becomes your reality, those "In Love" feelings will go away, just like they did for her with her original husband, and all you'll be left with is wondering when she's going to cheat on you. Maybe you can come here and read about her next boyfriend discovering poetry too. Sorry for being so blunt, but you need a dose of truth. It's OK Reboot.. I was kinda mocking the whole "In Love" thing.. Cheapshot on the "poetry" though.. anyway, I knew a guy once, alot older, probably mid sixties, and he and his wife WERE that "in love" type of couple. Second marriages for both, but had been married for a long time when I knew them. Point I guess is some people "fall" into bad patterns and the "in love" goes away and others recognize everyday why they are "in love" and do something about it.. I am hoping to be that guy or even run circles around him....
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 But she may have that LONG LASTING love with her husband, the kind of love that isn't just based on hot sex, lust and passion. It's more than that. This is the man who will sit and hold her hair back while she throws up. This is the man who will support her through rough times, whether it be financial, an illness, or just the normal crap life throws at you in general. The husband has her love and it's the good, the bad and the ugly, not just the good. They have a history together, children, friends and family. Inlaws, cousins, extended family, neighbours, co-workers etc...Their lives are meshed in EVERY way and I don't understand how an OW or an OM can expect a MM/MW to just drop everything, divorce and start a new life! Feelingtorn, you are in a tough situation, you have two men that you love and soon you MUST make a choice and stick to it. What you are doing now is cruel to both men. Yes, you want the OM, but is it fair to HIM that you can't give him more? Just when you have time to spare for him? To put your family and kids first over him? His heart probably is breaking...And, your husband - Is it fair of you to have an affair and fall for someone else behind his back? He deserves ALL your love, your affection and attention on HIM as he is the one you married. Good luck, to both of you and like reboot, I'm sorry if I've come off harsh. Get some counselling in to help you get stronger so you can make a decision once and for all. Doing what you're doing now is only hurting yourself, let alone innocent people who don't deserve this treatment. It's ironic that you said the "hold her hair back while she's throwing up" thing. THAT IS what she says of ME, because that did happen. She said that she's lucky if HE would toss her a rag to clean it up... She said this just last week.. BUT, I HEAR YOU... But, HE is also the man that forgets Bdays, Anniversary's and doesnt believe in Valentines Day. Doesnt have "date nite", doesnt ask her out, has NEVER just taken the day off for her, AND he's the boss... I know it's 50/50, but sometimes one tries and tries for years and the other doesnt get it until its "too little, too late". Doesnt justify the Affair (I thought/think/hope: Exit Affair) SO, I say all of this but in the end, I still dont know if it matters.. The children are the glue right now... And one more thing, (I am not saying you see it this way), but my guard is up if the perception is that our relationship is all about sex, and didnt have it's own beginnings of History, responsibilities, meshing etc.. not comparing, just stating what is what Thanks WW
reboot Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 If all you say is true (and you're assuming she tells YOU the truth), why in the world is she still with him?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 6, 2007 Author Posted December 6, 2007 If all you say is true (and you're assuming she tells YOU the truth), why in the world is she still with him? All I say IS true.. I am not being naive. There were MANY conversations on EVERY subject. We talked EVERYDAY, we live close enough to each other, but just far enough away (15-20 miles). We werent F*** buddies, we grew together, AND we could communicate.. She says she knows she waited too long, but again, I made it easy for her to not rock the boat. There are children involved, and I know that was the biggest hangup. It is hard on her to hear, "Daddy's home!" and then start the conversations, BUT the did start. They have gone to counselling off and on starting 2 1/2 years ago. She wanted to start to show him that things werent working. He just didnt buy into it. He thought things were just fine. Even though the didnt go out, they didnt go on trips, they didnt have sex, they didnt touch, hold hands or anything. They had the kids, a house and his job. THAT'S IT. She tried to show him so he could figure some things out, and NO she didnt have enough conversations and NO she wasnt firm enough and NO she just didnt flat out tell him that she wanted a Divorce. She DID say things like, "maybe we should separate", "maybe we should get a divorce", and he would just tell her she was crazy. She even let a copy of the book "Should I stay or go" laying around with answers to some of the questions that she wrote in it. (it has kinda a worksheet in it). She answered that "my marriage is joyless", "I do not see happiness for me going forward with H" etc... She almost "wanted" to get caught for whatever reason. It's like he's her Daddy.. Now, she feels "grounded", so she resents him. BUT, she also respects him (I know, I know, respect?) and he deserves TIME for them to figure things out, and I know she's hoping that HE figures out that "what are we trying to save? Our M was over long before OM". She doesnt want him to just get fed up with the Affair and mess, but rather see that she tried years ago and has been "checked out" before me..
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 All I say IS true.. I am not being naive. There were MANY conversations on EVERY subject. We talked EVERYDAY, we live close enough to each other, but just far enough away (15-20 miles). We werent F*** buddies, we grew together, AND we could communicate.. The thing is, this woman has lied to her own husband as well. I'm not saying she's lying to you, it's just that she is in NO position to be making ANY promises to you, let alone, allowing the feelings to grow between you two, UNTIL she leaves and divorces her husband. She could say alot of things she actually does mean, and she could have every intention IN that moment to carry them out - But due to the ring on her finger, any promises or discussions about the future cannot really happen, and things could change. I mean, if one of her kids gets sick, deathly ill, she ain't going anywhere, she'll choose to stay married because the child will need BOTH of the parents. I don't mean to poo-poo what you have with her, but you need to keep your eyes open and not take every word out of mouth as "this is how it's going to be." Hope this makes sense to you.
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 It's ironic that you said the "hold her hair back while she's throwing up" thing. THAT IS what she says of ME, because that did happen. She said that she's lucky if HE would toss her a rag to clean it up... She said this just last week.. BUT, I HEAR YOU... But, HE is also the man that forgets Bdays, Anniversary's and doesnt believe in Valentines Day. Doesnt have "date nite", doesnt ask her out, has NEVER just taken the day off for her, AND he's the boss... I know it's 50/50, but sometimes one tries and tries for years and the other doesnt get it until its "too little, too late". Doesnt justify the Affair (I thought/think/hope: Exit Affair) SO, I say all of this but in the end, I still dont know if it matters.. The children are the glue right now... And one more thing, (I am not saying you see it this way), but my guard is up if the perception is that our relationship is all about sex, and didnt have it's own beginnings of History, responsibilities, meshing etc.. not comparing, just stating what is what Thanks WW yes, you said it, the children are the glue and if she doesn't want to disrupt their lives as they know it, chances are she will stay married and suck it up for as long as it takes and make the best of it. She'll focus on the kids, the house, the routine of life ... I didn't mean to imply your relationship is all about sex, but it IS based on a relationship that is not whole, that is hidden away, and doesn't include every part of what a real open and honest relationship should be. See, what I don't think you're understanding is, you're making her life easier by being the nice guy, the OM in her life...On one level she has feelings for you and you help her make her marriage bareable. On another level, deep down, she knows she is not going to leave her marriage, end it, turn everyone's lives upside down so SHE can be happier and be with you. I could be wrong.... Question is, how long are you willing to stick around?
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