stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Hi, I am new here but have been reading Posts for many, many months now. I need help from this forum, I think, as I am trying to figure out what I need to do from this point forward.. I am OM, and have been in this relationship for 3 1/2 years now.. We have been caught (back in July), so 5 months ago, and of course, this drastically changed things. I am writing in this Forum because I want to know what to expect on THEIR side, the BS and her.. He was hit by a truck in all of this and is having trouble digesting all of it, still in great denial I guess, and he doesnt know all of the "truth", but obviuosly knows enough. I am not sure if it is necessary to know "everything", but from what I have read, if he asks, he should be told.. I have read that it could take years to "maybe" get to a halfway decent place, but that's "IF" all of the cards are played correctly.. They have gone to counselling but "really didnt get much out of it" and have stopped. He has his "triggers" and she never knows when or where they will come. She is supposed to be in NC, but of course is not really.. She is "trying" to figure things out, BUT has not promised anything and is basically just "going through the motions". I read a post in this Forum from a Wandering Wife, who is "at home" going through the motions and I cant figure out "WHY"? I could be wrong, but she doesnt seem to LOVE him, and really doesnt seem to be "in LOVE with him". And that is the case here.. SO, I guess my long winded question is: How long can they "go thru the motions" before somebody figures out it's best to start a "new" relationship with eachother? I'm sorry if I am all over the map, but thanks for any input...
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Why the hell should you care, why dont you just leave them alone. Let her figure out her marriage on her own, or do you still want her? I guess hurting his family and destroying his marriage doesnt take priority in your mind because I see absolutely no consideration for other's in your post. Sad...
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 YES, I still want her, I am in love with her... I am HORRIBLY SORRY for what he is going through, and I am going by what she is telling me.. I AM leaving her alone and giving her space, and of course this is VERY hard to do, but I have to do it.. I always believed that she was in an "exit affair", and was always told that "she is coming"...
Cobra_X30 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 YES, I still want her, I am in love with her... I am HORRIBLY SORRY for what he is going through, and I am going by what she is telling me.. I AM leaving her alone and giving her space, and of course this is VERY hard to do, but I have to do it.. I always believed that she was in an "exit affair", and was always told that "she is coming"... Stamp, Who makes more money? You or her Husband?
Leoni Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 YES, I still want her, I am in love with her... I am HORRIBLY SORRY for what he is going through, and I am going by what she is telling me.. I AM leaving her alone and giving her space, and of course this is VERY hard to do, but I have to do it.. I always believed that she was in an "exit affair", and was always told that "she is coming"... She is supposed to be in NC, but of course is not really.. Your two posts have conflicting information. NC means No Contact. If you were serious about giving her space, you would not be in contact and have access to information about her marriage counselling.
Woggle Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Why do you want a cheater who has already lied to one man? Do you think you are so special that she won't eventually betray you the same way? I really do not get why people do this?
noforgiveness Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 YES, I still want her, I am in love with her... I am HORRIBLY SORRY for what he is going through, and I am going by what she is telling me.. I AM leaving her alone and giving her space, and of course this is VERY hard to do, but I have to do it.. I always believed that she was in an "exit affair", and was always told that "she is coming"... If she was in an exit affair then she would have told her husband she did not love him anymore when she was caught. She would have admitted her love for you. Why would you wait for someone who is working on their marriage? Leave them alone. If she loves you she will sort out her problems and come to you. You are allowing her to have the best of both worlds. Don't accept that.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 YES, I still want her, I am in love with her... I am HORRIBLY SORRY for what he is going through, and I am going by what she is telling me.. I AM leaving her alone and giving her space, and of course this is VERY hard to do, but I have to do it.. I always believed that she was in an "exit affair", and was always told that "she is coming"... She's an F-ing joke!!! Think about it, She says: She is coming? Then what? Your gonna have to be financially there for her, She's gonna party without you and go out with her friends, Your gonna babysit her kids when she's out all night! Why do you want that? You say your giving her space??? WTF?? Space? You aint dating her, You are her jump-off!!!!!!! You are not her man!!!! Get it through your head that the moment you move on, the better you will feel. If it isnt you she's cheating with, she'll find someone else! That's how some cheaters are! Dont believe the BS she's telling you, where's your balls man!??? Put it like this: Any man who's willing to cheat with a woman when she's married, is gonna have to deal with it when she marries him! Let that marinate in your head. Could you honestly bring her around friends and family and say: Guys this is my married girlfriend. Yeah her husband knows about me and he hasnt killed me yet. I'm in love with her and she wont leave to be with me. Isnt that great? I mean come on that's how people see it from the outside, could you be proud of yourself?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Cobra: He does, But not too far off.. Leoni: She is supposed to be in NC with me by order of both H and MC.. Woggle: I have read alot of your posts and respect your opinions. To answer your question, I guess I believe she wouldnt, but it IS something that I think about. No Forgiveness: She HAS told him that she does love him, but not in love with him. She DID admit to him that she has fallen in love with me, loves everything about me etc... She is not working on the marriage, just letting time have it's place and YES you are correct, she will find me if that is what she wants... And as hard as it is to admit, she has had the best of both worlds for quite awhile and it can only make me start to resent her. There was always a road that we were going down, i thought, and at some point you reach that fork in the road where you have to make a decision. She is obviously there and is letting some time pass without me front and center in THEIR lives as they determine what to do next. The UGLY part of this is "what do I hope for"?
Woggle Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I know violence is not the answer but guys like this deserve a beatdown. They deserve to have the betrayed husband and a few other betrayed men just kick the crap out of them for stabbing fellow men in the back.
cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I agree, she is a crack head.....she is telling you she told him she is in love with you???? If that were true she would not still be in her M, he would have left her or she would have already left him.....got it....she is a f---- liar and is doing you both ! She needs her butt kicked out of the house and you will see if that happens, she will resent you....as soon as her H is over her, she will want him again !
noforgiveness Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Cobra: He does, But not too far off.. Leoni: She is supposed to be in NC with me by order of both H and MC.. Woggle: I have read alot of your posts and respect your opinions. To answer your question, I guess I believe she wouldnt, but it IS something that I think about. No Forgiveness: She HAS told him that she does love him, but not in love with him. She DID admit to him that she has fallen in love with me, loves everything about me etc... She is not working on the marriage, just letting time have it's place and YES you are correct, she will find me if that is what she wants... And as hard as it is to admit, she has had the best of both worlds for quite awhile and it can only make me start to resent her. There was always a road that we were going down, i thought, and at some point you reach that fork in the road where you have to make a decision. She is obviously there and is letting some time pass without me front and center in THEIR lives as they determine what to do next. The UGLY part of this is "what do I hope for"? Do you honestly believe she told her husband she is in love with you and that she is not in love with him anymore? Do you really think her husband would still be in the marriage if she told him this? Would you not run if she told you she is still in love with her husband? Think about this? I don't believe that is what she told him. I believe that is what she is telling you to keep you as backup if her marriage doesn't work. I'm sorry but think about it.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I will take any and all criticism, because quite frankly, I dont know what is what anymore, when I thought I had a pretty good clue.. Woggle, guys like me arent always bad guys... I was in this relationship always believing theirs was over, or on it's way. Now, I struggle with the guilt of what it has become, what it will be if it becomes anything more, and alot of guilt "leaving her behind" to deal with it all, while I just move on with my life without someone I completely love.. I know that I cant be a part of her life and wont/dont try to be.. BUT, is it wrong for me to still love her and hope for her? Hope for her to figure things out on her own? I really am seeking any and all types of advice and will ask for any comments to NOT get "personal" towards me or her.. Thanks
Cobra_X30 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Cobra: He does, But not too far off.. Stamp, She will sit on the fence until one of you pushes her off! What steps have you taken to get a choice out of her? She sounds like the kind of woman who won't leave her husband unless the OM has more $$$. Right now she has both! You are single correct?
Leoni Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 stampdaddy, you're not understanding what I'm saying. Once again, if you're serious about giving her space, you would give it by remaining NC with her, which means to not be in contact in any way and blocking her calls. If she's serious about you, why would she remain in her marriage and partake in MC? Are you fine with being second best? Is this the treatment you feel you deserve? Anyone can say anything but in working on her marriage, what does this say to you, without words?
Woggle Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Now that you know their relationship is not over leave her and forget about her. Go out with the guys and enjoy yourself instead of tearing yourself up over a no good cheater who will do the same thing to you when the newness wears off.
cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Tell her you do not want anything to do with her until she leaves and see what she will do.....she will drop you like a ton of bricks....guaranteed.....
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 The H has called me a couple of times, and in our "discussions" has said as much. He has also said that they havent had relations in 3 years.. SO, I guess in this case, I do believe her, because he confirmed it.. He has asked me to have NC while they figure things out. So, I will honor that. He has said that there was no reason to kick her out NOW, when the HELL of breaking all of this apart is coming shortly, BUT, I guess it could happen at any time or not..
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I will take any and all criticism, because quite frankly, I dont know what is what anymore, when I thought I had a pretty good clue.. Woggle, guys like me arent always bad guys... I was in this relationship always believing theirs was over, or on it's way. Now, I struggle with the guilt of what it has become, what it will be if it becomes anything more, and alot of guilt "leaving her behind" to deal with it all, while I just move on with my life without someone I completely love.. I know that I cant be a part of her life and wont/dont try to be.. BUT, is it wrong for me to still love her and hope for her? Hope for her to figure things out on her own? I really am seeking any and all types of advice and will ask for any comments to NOT get "personal" towards me or her.. Thanks What are you talking about, right now your in the fog!!!! Leaving her behind??? Where the F are you going???? lol. She's married!!!!!!!!! Hello!!!!!!!! You say guys like me arent bad but your doing a bad thing by going after a married woman!! You know this, and if you know then why do you persist in imagining her in your life! She's married! lol. You say you will not allow personal comments about her? WTF??? Are you really that blind to understand she's using you, and your just a jump off, are you that pathetic to not fully get it through your head that you will always be the jump off! Yes it is wrong! Her future does not include you!!!!
noforgiveness Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 The H has called me a couple of times, and in our "discussions" has said as much. He has also said that they havent had relations in 3 years.. SO, I guess in this case, I do believe her, because he confirmed it.. He has asked me to have NC while they figure things out. So, I will honor that. He has said that there was no reason to kick her out NOW, when the HELL of breaking all of this apart is coming shortly, BUT, I guess it could happen at any time or not.. Ok that makes zero sense to me. Are you sure it was him and not one of her friends who called you posing?
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 No Forgiveness: It WAS him. HIS cell phone #, HIS office#..., etc.. I dont know how to say this, so please forgive, but the characters involved here are all "normal". 40-43 years old, homes, children, etc.. I am divorced. Cobra: I KNOW you are correct, just hard to do, but a MUST!! Leoni: The MC was at his request, she actually went in there a few weeks ago (by herself this time) to tell the councellor enough was enough, that she DID try in the M years ago, and it just isnt there anymore. The H knew she was going to do as much. BUT, the Counsellor todl her that "she hasnt even befun to try, that the H deserves for her to try, and that she is worried that the H would try to take the kids, rake her over the coals, etc,.." So, here we are.. I am sure that she is acting cowardly, selfishly, thinking really only about herself etc.. I know that she loves me (you KNOW when you are LOVED), but I also know that she is scared... Maybe I am a knucklehead, BUT, I love her...
reboot Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Tell her to look you up when she can show you signed, notarized divorce papers, and then cut her off. Otherwise, you could be doing this limbo dance for years.
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Once again, I appreciate everyones feedback, as someone stated, "from the OUTSIDE looking IN", this is the perspective I probably need to hear and see... I am and have been in a fog, by my design, so not looking for sympathy, but it is what it is.. I have been a part of a 3 1/2 year relationship that has been full of love, sharing, caring and YES, LIES...... I never thought that I would admit it being UGLY, as I fooled myself into believing it was beautiful... I am VERY confused and still can't help to feel as if somehow, "It will ALL work out..."
Author stampdaddy Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Tell her to look you up when she can show you signed, notarized divorce papers, and then cut her off. Otherwise, you could be doing this limbo dance for years. Youre right, as I have been doing it for quite a while now... Tough to do, since we have had been together EVERYDAY for 3 plus years.... But, it has to be done
reboot Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 If you google "5 types of affairs", go to the link that shows up at affairrecovery.com, and you'll find her under "having your cake and eating it too".
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