yadayadayada Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 My bf looks at other women. A shocker, I know. I know people look (I'm guilty of sizing up attractive men), I know it's natural but at what point is it excessive? For my bf it is a constant. When he almost constantly scanning a room. For a while I studied his actions before saying anything becasue I wanted to be sure that it wasn't just me being insecure and this is what I found. If facing an entrance to a bar he would glance at every woman that came in. If a man entered, no glances. If at dinner we were seated next to women (not so much couples but a table with only women) his attention would constantly be drawn to that table. By drawn I mean glancing over there every 30 secs to a minute. When walking down the street (next to me, carrying on a conversation with me) and we overtook a woman while walking he would do the sideways glance to check her out. I have witnessed him stare directly at woman's behinds as they walked by us, head turned following and looking. generally we are very affectionate in public, holding hands, stealing kisses, but I noticed that when it's just a normal situation he kisses me, eyes closed, etc. At one point there was a very pretty girl standing nearby once and when I gave him pecks on the lips he kept his eyes open and glanced in the direction of that girl. This happened more than once. Like I said, I know that people look. It's natural. But I also think that respect comes into play in a relationship and when you are physically with the person you love you would try and tone down such actions. If I'm not around, I honestly don't care what he looks at. I'm not going to try and police his actions. I think that's where insecurity comes into play. I just believe that one should respect one's SO when out with them. Am I strange to think that? I'm just curious to know what people consider excessive "looking" at other women?
Art_Critic Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 but at what point is it excessive? It becomes excessive if it starts to bother you.. You are right that most people do look at other men and women.. I do.. but I would never do it in a manner that would make my wife feel uncomfortable and if I did and she mentioned it to me then I would need to alter my behavior. I say that if he is doing this and he knows it bothers you then he is disrespecting you.. The stance is yours to take.. speak with him about it and explain to him how his actions make you feel. Then see if he changes his behavior..
cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 My H has never been one to stare really hard or really long, but I see him doing it now more than ever. So, you know what, I give it right back...he just laughs knowing he was the idiot ! What goes around comes around baby !
Author yadayadayada Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 I did bring it up to him and he became upset and told me that I was being insecure and he wouldn't put up with insecurity like that? The subject was dropped. Later that week we made plans to meet up with my friends at a bar. He sent me an email that day stating that he just wanted to let me know that he now feels uncomfortable when going out with me and to be aware that he is going to look around when at the bar becasue that what happens when you are out you look around (he didn't mention looking at women - but just looking around at events and people in the bar in general- something that I, yet again, don't disagree with) He stated that I should be secure in knowing that he loves and wants to be with me but that he is going to do what he has every right to do and that it look around when out socializing. I felt it was a little harsh.
cj1988 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 All men say that crap honey! They are going to look just like we do, BUT some make it obvious and that can be VERY disturbing. My best friend has been dating a GREAT guy, she is beautiful as well......her only complaint to me in 6 months is that he stares at women a lot and it bothers her. She is going to tell him it makes her feel funny.....I am sure he will quit for awhile, but will start again. My H told me the same thing, you are insecure, deal with it. I said whatever, deal with this....i stared at the best looking guy in the bar and he knew what I was doing and laughed, but he got the point.
Leia Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Do the same thing when you're with him and see if he's comfortable with that or not! I know two wrongs don't make it right but how can you kiss your SO and LOOK at another girl at the same time?!
JamesM Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I did bring it up to him and he became upset and told me that I was being insecure and he wouldn't put up with insecurity like that? The subject was dropped. Oh so typical. When confronted with something we do wrong, we react with anger and self-righteous indignation. When we are confronted with something of which we are innocent, we tend to react without anger but with surprise...and usually promise to try to prevent it from happening again. This guy has no respect for your feelings. And if what he does make you feel uncomfortable or "insecure," then he is right...YOU don't need HIM around. Art said the exact words I was thinking..... It becomes excessive if it starts to bother you. And if it bothers you and he makes no attempt to do less gazing, then he is showing no concern for you feelings. What does he think? Some other woman will hook up with him while he is out with you? Does he expect he can get a phone number while he is out with you? Gimme a break. If he cannot quit, then you should quit him. If he looks at other women while he is dating you, then what will he do if you marry him?
Mz. Pixie Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 It becomes excessive if it starts to bother you.. You are right that most people do look at other men and women.. I do.. but I would never do it in a manner that would make my wife feel uncomfortable and if I did and she mentioned it to me then I would need to alter my behavior. I say that if he is doing this and he knows it bothers you then he is disrespecting you.. The stance is yours to take.. speak with him about it and explain to him how his actions make you feel. Then see if he changes his behavior.. I agree with AC here. If it's bothering you, he should want to alter his behavior. The fact that he doesn't makes me a little uneasy about the whole situation.
Leoni Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I also agree with Art_Critic. This issue is a matter of respect and decorum. Your b/f is rude and discourteous. In making his discourtesy your issue, he effectively takes the offensive. Everyone people watches and notices other people but this is excessive behaviour. I wouldn't put up with this type of behaviour. You can use humour to deflect it, by flashing your hand in front of his eyes, every time he does it. In doing this, you can illustrate to him, how many times he does it. Of course you take the risk of him getting angry but then, so what... You also have to be reasonable with your expectations. You can't expect that he will never look.
spooty Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 next time he does it just say, "could you be more subtle? i don't care if you look but i'd rather not see you looking" or go the sarcastic route and say "try to be more obvious honey, i don't think that guy in the back corner knows that you're starring at her" make it a game, comment on this starring every time and then he'll try to be more subtle! tell him that you know it's natural to look, but ask him to not make it so obvious. it's very rude when a guy won't look you in the eye while having a conversation. now it's unreasonable to want him to stare at you all the time, but it's very annoying to talk to someone who is always starring over your shoulder. but, be thankful that he doesn't make comments about what he sees.
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