Sammy75 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I think I already know the answer to this one but has any of the OW out there remained friends with their MMs after the A ended?
curiousnycgirl Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I have remained friends, not especially close, but we still speak and when in the same city we try to have dinner.
Freedom Now Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I remained friends with him for about a year after the affair but now we don't talk. He, too, contacted me when he was in town and we did dinner a few times but it was apparent that he wanted to start up the affair again which created an awkward situation for me. So much had changed it wasn't even worthwhile in my opinion. I had no interest in him whatsoever. I am sure that we will be "friends" but at a distance. Infrequent e-mails, etc....but I wonder what the underlying motive for such contact would be. His wife would be destroyed if we remained even e-mail buddies. And it is disrespectful to her to do such a thing. And can you ever really be just friends after such a highly charged relationship? I doubt it. But that's just my opinion.
KATANYA Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I can't give a 'for sure' answer to this because I ended the A a couple months ago and am personally having issues with the residue feelings, etc. right now. What I can say is that if it is possible then me and exMM should be able to do it. We were friends before the A for years and he is extremely close to my children who call him 'uncle'. I wish the A had not happened in a lot of ways because I hate the thought that the friendship may not survive and that would be such a loss (much greater than losing the R with a MM)........ If there was a friendship before, and if both parties can move past the A with no hang ups, resentments or residual feelings, I think there can be friendhship afterward......it just needs VERY clear boundaries and a lot of respect.
Freedom Now Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 What about the wife? Would she be okay with the friendship? That is what needs to be taken into consideration, I think. If the friendship hurts someone, it isn't right. Period.
Trimmer Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 If there was a friendship before, and if both parties can move past the A with no hang ups, resentments or residual feelings, I think there can be friendhship afterward......it just needs VERY clear boundaries and a lot of respect. I have a follow up question, and it's an honest question and I promise not to jump to judgement on any answers: If you considered it possible to stay friends, would you do it if it were necessary to continue to keep your friendship a secret from the wife, or would you only do it if it were all out in the open? In other words, would you be willing to have a relationship with him that still had to be kept secret from her, or does ending the affair and moving on mean ending the secrecy, too?
OWoman Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 What about the wife? Would she be okay with the friendship? That is what needs to be taken into consideration, I think. If the friendship hurts someone, it isn't right. Period. Hmm... I'm not sure what I think about this. I can understand where the reasoning comes from, but I'm not generally in favour of giving up friendships because a relationship partner finds them threatening. Where do you draw the line on that one? It's a pattern that men who abuse their partners cut them off from their friendships. Removing someone's support system because one finds it threatening cannot be healthy for either individual or for the relationship, surely? I've had male friends whose new girlfriends have found their friendships with me threatening although I've had not the slightest romantic or sexual interest in them, and even one woman who married a close friend of mine and ultimately told him to choose between her and me because she found it threatening that he would discuss things with me she found threatening - he and I have been friends forever - and was devastated when he told her that she'd need to accept him as he was, including his friendships, or lose him. She backed down, but despite being invited she never joins us for coffee or drinks. If she was really concerned, surely it would be more constructive to come along, get to know the scary friend and become friends, too?
KATANYA Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 I have a follow up question, and it's an honest question and I promise not to jump to judgement on any answers: If you considered it possible to stay friends, would you do it if it were necessary to continue to keep your friendship a secret from the wife, or would you only do it if it were all out in the open? In other words, would you be willing to have a relationship with him that still had to be kept secret from her, or does ending the affair and moving on mean ending the secrecy, too? For me, the friendship has always been out in the open and has been going on for over a decade-there was nothing to hide. The A was the secret and was for the last two years. If the friendship has to be kept 'secret' then I'd have to say there is still more there than just friendship. Likewise, if a spouse was not ok with the friendship, I think there would be very little chance of the friendship actually lasting.
Freedom Now Posted December 6, 2007 Posted December 6, 2007 Hmm... I'm not sure what I think about this. I can understand where the reasoning comes from, but I'm not generally in favour of giving up friendships because a relationship partner finds them threatening. Where do you draw the line on that one? It's a pattern that men who abuse their partners cut them off from their friendships. Removing someone's support system because one finds it threatening cannot be healthy for either individual or for the relationship, surely? I've had male friends whose new girlfriends have found their friendships with me threatening although I've had not the slightest romantic or sexual interest in them, and even one woman who married a close friend of mine and ultimately told him to choose between her and me because she found it threatening that he would discuss things with me she found threatening - he and I have been friends forever - and was devastated when he told her that she'd need to accept him as he was, including his friendships, or lose him. She backed down, but despite being invited she never joins us for coffee or drinks. If she was really concerned, surely it would be more constructive to come along, get to know the scary friend and become friends, too? Understood. However, these affairs and relationships are much more than simply threatening. They are marriage killers. And a friendship that evolves from such a relationship is damaging. The wife would surely not approve. And, surely, the wife would not want the MM to remain friends with his OW. That is just out of the question. And I was the OW. And I would think that she wouldn't want me going within a thousand miles of my exMM. And she would be right. It just isn't healthy for the marriage.
Can'tGiveUp Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 I don't know that I would say we are friends. We have maintained some contact...have done lunch. We know that if we tried to be "real" friends it would all just escalate again. I think W would freak if she knew we communicated. And she never knew for sure if there was an A.
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