Why is it getting harder?

[KATANYA]

Wanted to write this for awhile but was hoping I wouldnt need to....

 

Its been two months since my attempt at ending the A........talked to W and now know WAY too much about MM's 'other' side.....had one slip up with MM a week ago (and felt angry for that!). So here it is.......I know he's a serial cheater, I know he can be a total jerk to his W (verbally abusive and I really think physically when he's drinking), I know he would make a terrible partner, I know they will NEVER separate or divorce (he once told me that he knew I wanted all of him and he wanted to give me that but couldnt so I could only have part of him! - how's that for arrogance!) I know I'm doing the right thing trying to move on beyond the A, I KNOW everything I need to know to be sure this man is NOT the man for me and would make me miserable in the long run.

 

So why am I now struggling with all sorts of feelings? Sad and hurt over the stupidest things....Way oversensitive to things he says/does, feel lonely without him 'around' (and its not like he was always around before) etc.? Hate to admit it (and can't believe I feel this way) but even feel envy? jealousy? over things he and W do and I NEVER felt that way the whole time we were deeply involved!!!!Its sooooo stupid and doesnt make sense to me. I started seeing another single man who is sweet, sincere, VERY attentive, etc. etc. etc. and I genuinely feel like I am being smothered -- he is ALWAYS available and I just don't feel the same for him as I did/do? for MM(if it makes sense he's just tooo nice and tooo attentive????)

 

Why is it getting harder, not easier, to be out of the A when I know its the best thing for everyone (especially me)? Why was it easier in the beginning then it is now? I'm sure if he called right now and asked me to meet him I would....I'm also sure he won't as we have both made efforts to 'pull back'. We had the opportunity to be away this week together and both cancelled - he's taking his W away this weekend instead and I'm going away with a friend. At the same time, I think at times he would jump at the chance to be with me

 

I know I'm intelligent but feel completely stupid, frustrated and disgusted with myself for feeling so down all of a sudden.......Looking for some insight here as to why I'm not coping as well as I did before! Why in the h*ll would I even want this man? Help from anyone who has felt this way (and I hope to goodness someone has because its doesn't make sense to me and I just want to scream or cry or both!!!).

[Gwyneth]

I'm going to give you feedback as the OW myself.

 

I don't think you should feel jealous of the wife since you did say she is verybally and probably physically abused by this man. That's not to say he will or won't treat you the same way. See, sometimes a certain person can bring the worse out of them. His wife may be That person. He said that you can only have half of him--while you may think that is arrogant, he might have been doing You a favor by letting you know that.

 

You are having trouble walking away because we always want something / someone we just cannot have. Right now you are feeling hurt and probably a bit desperate for him to contact you. Every time I tried to end my affair with MM, I became weak. Same for him--we just cannot do it. If that is what you really want--NC, then go for it. If you aren't ready, then don't be.

 

You said you spoke to the wife--how do you know she was honest with you about him? She may have been telling you things she wants you to believe to keep you Away from her husband--the verbal abuser.

 

I don't think any of this qualifies for you to feel stupid or disgusted with yourself. Frustrated--yes, that is okay, but don't regret or feel stupid about your actions because every thing we do, we do for a reason.

 

It's only getting harder because you are concentrating on your feelings for him and what you had with him--and not on who he really is. That's a hard thing to do when we are in love with someone--Love is so blind.

 

Think about things you do that help to keep your mind off of him--perhaps taking up a class, or going out and dancing with friends and finding a new man? If it came down to me and Mr. Husbby to go our separate ways, I would have to find things to do so that I wouldn't be home crying a river and coming to this board and finding myself even more upset than I started off being (this board has a tendency to make me as the OW feel Very ill). I would have to move on.

 

Again. Love is blind. Now you need to open your eyes and see it for what it is / was.

 

Good luck.

[nadiaj2727]

Hi Katanya,

I felt the same way as you're feeling just a short while ago. I couldn't understand it either, because I knew *logically* that we weren't right for each other and that it needed to be over, but *emotionally* I would alternate between feeling strong for making the right decision and weak because I still had all of those feelings for him. I think part of it is the "addiction" of an affair -- the illicit nature of it makes us crave it and depend on it in a way we wouldn't a normal relationship. I agree with you that normal relationships/ normal life without all the secrecy/ excitement/ drama of an affair can feel very boring. But eventually it comes to feel more comfortable and calm and fulfilling and more like true, long-lasting happiness than an affair could ever feel. It just takes time. I don't mean to sound trite when I say that, but time really does heal.

 

Can you go complete NC with him? I'd recommend that because it's the only thing that worked for me. (I still have to see him at work, but I vowed to myself to keep it professional and not let let flirting or even "harmless" banter draw me back in to wanting or giving in to that addictive feeling of excitement and drama.) I would highly recommend that.

 

I did a lot of reading after I broke off with xMM -- I read a book called Integrity by Steven Carter and one called The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. I was never one for self-help/ philosophy books, but I found that I needed an explanation for why I had gotten involved with a married man and reassurance that I would never do it again. These books showed me that an affair is not a fulfilling life, and made me happy to be out of it even when there were times I wanted to run back to him. If reading's not your thing, perhaps watch some movies, I suggest "MatchPoint". Or like Gwenyth recommended, take up a class, a hobby, etc.

 

Maybe volunteer -- your pain will seem minimal if you work with abused/ neglected children or with autistic adults or lonely elderly people, etc. (I don't mean that your pain IS minimal, just trying to give you some ideas to count your permanent blessings instead of your temporary sorrows. Basically I think you should tell yourself over and over again that you are doing the right thing and you will be stronger and happier because of it, and indulge yourself in becoming an even better person than you already are -- and you sound like a great one already!! Best wishes!!

[indianlover]

Hi K,

You brain can tell you every logical reason to leave, to hate him, etc but the heart is difficult to persuade. Give yourself time, find a good friend, keep yourself having fun and be happy without him. Over time and when your heart is ready you will be able to let go. Having a really good friend by your side really helps.

 

I was in a R that turned out to be a very bad situation - took me almost 1.5 years to end it. At that point I had a really good friend to turn to when I was lonely and my heart finally agreed with my head and said 'no more.' I tried to end it at least 10 times before I did. Don't let you head give up! Your heart will listen eventually, till then keep fighting. Good luck, IL.

[scaredinlove]

K

 

You were involved with him and that is just natural that you feel the way you do. You are not stupid, don't be harsh on yourself.

 

Enjoy ypur new friend and don't feel pressure to have same feelings for him as you had for MM. Feelings will come on the due time.

 

Your MM didn't seem as a good catch , just keep moving forward and it will be better, It will be worse form a while and than it will be better again.

 

Best wishes.......

[norajane]

Why is it getting harder, not easier, to be out of the A when I know its the best thing for everyone (especially me)? Why was it easier in the beginning then it is now?

 

Think of it this way: it's like starting a fitness program. In the beginning, you're all fired up to lose fat and build muscle, to eat healthy and drink lots of water, to improve your heart muscle and have clearer skin. And you probably have an important goal in mind - getting out of your fat pants or into a slinky dress for the Christmas party or bathing suit season.

 

And then as you go on, it's hard work and you don't see a lot of reward for all the changes you're making. So you become less motivated. And you slack a little and maybe cheat on eating plan or get a little lax on the exercise. And pretty soon, you decide your fat pants don't look that bad, and you love your body as it is, hmph. Why do so much hard work with so little to show for it?!

 

However, if you don't let yourself lose motivation when you're dragging yourself out of bed to go for a run, you will start to see the progress and you will lose the fat pants and have a gorgeous new butt to show off in that slinky dress.

 

Keep the faith.

[KATANYA]

LMAO........thanks NoraJean, you made me laugh sooo hard! First time I think I've laughed in the last three or four days:lmao: I'm gonna print this out and post it on my fridge - maybe I'll get off my "stuck on stupid" kick and lose weight too!

 

Thanks everyone else too........just really struggling right now and you guys really help a lot!

[norajane]

LMAO........thanks NoraJean, you made me laugh sooo hard! First time I think I've laughed in the last three or four days:lmao: I'm gonna print this out and post it on my fridge - maybe I'll get off my "stuck on stupid" kick and lose weight too!

 

Thanks everyone else too........just really struggling right now and you guys really help a lot!

 

 

And just think, by losing MM, you've already dropped about 175 pounds!!

[frannie]

I know he's a serial cheater, I know he can be a total jerk to his W (verbally abusive and I really think physically when he's drinking), I know he would make a terrible partner, I know they will NEVER separate or divorce

 

I started seeing another single man who is sweet, sincere, VERY attentive, etc. etc. etc. and I genuinely feel like I am being smothered -- he is ALWAYS available and I just don't feel the same for him as I did/do? for MM(if it makes sense he's just tooo nice and tooo attentive????)

 

Why is it getting harder, not easier, to be out of the A when I know its the best thing for everyone (especially me)?

 

K, while it may be perfectly rational and logical for you to 'prefer' the attentive, sincere single man over the loser cheat, that's largely irrelevant here. You can't reason with the heart, unfortunately.

 

Gwyneth said, "we always want something we cannot have", and while that's often the case, in some people it's a huge motivation and love button. You literally feel smothered by a man who is attentive, and crave the man who is unavailable, just because of those qualities. Why is that?

 

I would say, work on why you feel unable to accept, undervalue and are perhaps somewhat repulsed by love freely given, while at the same time needing and valuing love which is withdrawn, unavailable and impossible. Because I don't think it's anything particularly to do with the men themselves, but how you process and look at what they're offering, making the worthless seem worthy, and the available uninteresting.

[NoIDidn't]

I would say, work on why you feel unable to accept, undervalue and are perhaps somewhat repulsed by love freely given, while at the same time needing and valuing love which is withdrawn, unavailable and impossible. Because I don't think it's anything particularly to do with the men themselves, but how you process and look at what they're offering, making the worthless seem worthy, and the available uninteresting.

 

Amen! I agree with this. I used to be that woman. It was so hard to let an "available" man get close to me. They just showed up TOOOO much. They wanted to do things ALL THE TIME.

 

But in the end it was worth it. It is hard to push through the uncomfortableness of pushing our boundaries to include something healthier. I still can't eat green vegetables. LOL

[KATANYA]

Wow Frannie......that's a lot to think about and I've never looked at it in that way. Thanks. Today was a REALLY bad day but you've given me something to really think about and focus on.

[TheDevilsBabe]

Quote:

"Why is it getting harder, not easier, to be out of the A when I know its the best thing for everyone (especially me)?"

 

In my opinion...there are several reasons...the following are just a few knee jerk responses that jumped into my head when reading your quote so ive posted without really putting much thought into it. *my apologies but time is of essence right now but i wanted to send a reply post out to you before logging out*

1.)you are listening to your heart

2.)you have become used to a set pattern having been involved with him and now that has changed

3.) You just arent looking at the whole picture...your eyes are half open. Seeing only the emotional side of the situation.

 

Again....In my opinion.....well.....you have to learn how to be YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.

Why? How does this answer your question? How would this help?

Well, if your best friend was in the situation YOU are in...what would you *as HER best friend* tell her? What kind of advice would you offer her? What would you tell her as options on how to ease the pain of the separation and end of such a relationship. How is it that we can give good advice to our friends, advice that makes sense and is case appropriate...but then when THE SAME ADVICE would apply to a situation in our own lives...we forget all those words of wisdom??

As women it is especially important to BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND, especially in times of trouble and turmoil stemming from an OW relationship. Some women, unfortunetly have a way of rationalizing and making excuses for the MM they love...AT THEIR EMOTIONAL EXPENSE!! **TAXXXXXXXXXX* By being your own best friend and LEARNING HOW to let your head take over to help ease the pain in your heart....by looking at it from a valuable "outside" point of view... FROM YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND...and nottttt neccessarily in just the area of Love and personal romance...but actually in all areas of Life.......the answers will be there...after all THE PERFECT BEST FRIEND IN A PERFECT WORLD would never lie to you...would always tell you the truth..in spite of what you may want to hear...or need to hear....just tell the the truth...the facts as they may apply...plain and simple.....and offer her pearls of wisdom as seen fit....same kind of things you would tell a best friend in "real life".....and in time...if you can become YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND....you will learn valuable tools that will help you understand how to avoid situations that are taxing to onesself and detrimental to your emotional health. learning how to be your own best friend is a wonderful growth process. Good luck to you in your current situation....and should you choose to try and utilize my method.....i wish you a wonderful journey into discovering YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!! much love to you