maynicholas Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 The guy that I'm currently seeing has this strange ego thing going on. In psychology it's called the false uniqueness effect- where one thinks that they are unique, special, and no one has ever been able to accomplish what they have, and that they deserve praise and admiration for it. Now don't get me wrong, it think people should be proud of what they have accomplished, but I think people should keep in mind that there are millions of others out there with their own similar story, who have tried and succeeded- or failed at the same thing you are doing. We get in these long discussions about it. He talks about how far he has come and how he is different from everyone he knows because he has accomplished so much and that no one else has the drive that he has- blah, blah, blah... I remind him that yes, he has come far, and that he has every right to be proud- just not too proud- that other people out there are doing the same thing. He doesn't believe me. Funny thing is that I came from the big version of the industry he is working towards. (picture talking to someone who makes low budget indepentent films in a small town when you just came from in Hollywood). I like him and enjoy our discussions because they excercise my mind. He loves that I challenge him because no one ever has. I am not really purposely challenging him- just offering some life lessons that I have already learned. He spends most of the time justifying himself- while I tell him he doesn't need to. He says that others have told him that he comes off as cocky and can't understand why- I say gee I wonder... Is this the type of person I should be wary of dating or is this just a common personality quirk?
spooty Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 "false uniqueness" is also a trait of narcissists, and those are types that you should avoid. some other things you should look for is changing attitudes, does he throw a fit when you insult him (or he thinks you have insulted him) or does he just not get it when you try to take him down a peg. also, does he like to be in control of contact and conversations? for example, does he get annoyed when you miss his call, but he expects you to understand that he's "busy" when he misses yours? narcissists like to use people, and i'm sure he sees "use" in you since you're from a bigger part of the same industry, is your relationship focusing more on this than you'd like? does he challenge you but doesn't like it when you challenge him? a narcissist will stick around as long as he has a "use" for a person, that is... when you stop giving him insights, or affection and attention he will move onto someone else that does. try it, if he never lets you lead the conversations away from whatever he wants then that's the type of dominating controlling behavior of a narcissist. you might wanna look up NPD, and take note that it gets worse over time because you can't convince that sort of person that anything is wrong! just something to look for, if he's not that bad then he's probably got too much or too little confidence for some reason (they sometimes are expressed the same way in men)
sb129 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 He sounds like he needs to get over himself. I used to go out with someone with NPD. Its not fun.
sb129 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 He sounds like he needs to get over himself. I used to go out with someone with NPD. Its not fun.
Author maynicholas Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 He says enjoys that I challenge him because no one ever has. He says that is one of the things he likes about me. I am no longer associated with the industry he is trying to get into because I left and changed careers- he knows that. He doesn't get insulted- he jokes about being insulted, but he never gets mad about it. I did consider NPD, but he isn't that bad and he isn't controlling. But then again, we have only been dating for about a month.
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hmmm...I used to date a man like this, but it sounds like the man I dated was worse about it than yours because he could not take a joke. He had the worst sense of humor, ever! I would say since the man your dating appears to have at least a sense of humor about it, to perhaps give him some more time and see how you feel about him as time goes on. Since it's only been one month, I don't see what the harm would be in giving it more time.
Author maynicholas Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 a narcissist will stick around as long as he has a "use" for a person, that is... when you stop giving him insights, or affection and attention he will move onto someone else that does. try it, if he never lets you lead the conversations away from whatever he wants then that's the type of dominating controlling behavior of a narcissist. He does however constantly need to justify himself and when I say let's just agree to disagree he will continue on anyway in hopes of justifying himself some more. Maybe I should see if he is capable of going a whole night just talking about me Now I will give him this- he thinks I need to be more proud of my accomplishments and that he has never known anyone capable of doing what I have done. I mean, sure, it's nice to hear- but I don't need to spend an entire night discussing how far I have come- other people have done the same thing- he just hasn't met them.
jcster Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 "false uniqueness" is also a trait of narcissists, and those are types that you should avoid. It's also a trait of "adult children of alcoholics." Either way, it's a matter of whether or not it's pathological or merely "quirky."
Author maynicholas Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 No, he's not pathologial (my bff and her husband have know him for a couple of years). But she did say that he was overly sensitive. Apparently I seem to be the only person to speak to him this way without him holding a grudge for a while. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to enjoy working my psycho-analytical brain on him while it lasts. It's good practice for me.
Lauriebell82 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 No, he's not pathologial (my bff and her husband have know him for a couple of years). But she did say that he was overly sensitive. Apparently I seem to be the only person to speak to him this way without him holding a grudge for a while. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to enjoy working my psycho-analytical brain on him while it lasts. It's good practice for me. Well, you should still proceed with caution, due to his narcissistic mindset. Oh, just a tip, try not to psychoanalze him too much..I'm a therapist and my my boyfriend HATES when I try to do that to him. He says he feels like a client, and not a boyfriend!
Citizen Erased Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I would have no patience for a man like this. When a man loves himself like this what hope do I have of competing?
Author maynicholas Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Aww, I love a little competition!
Author maynicholas Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 So hear I am thinking this guy doesn't listen to a word I say, but last night my BFF informed me that (for a refresher the guy I'm dating is my BFF's HB's BFF) that he is always talking about me. 'MayNicholas always says this, MayNicholas always says that' to the point where her HB is about to tell him he is tired of hearing it. Now she won't tell me exactly what he is saying because her and her HB are taking a strict don't ask, don't tell policy about us (apparently not that strict) but she didn't ask for details- but she did say it wasn't anything bad. Is this a good sign? Could this mean he likes me more than I think he does? Or is this just something guys do?
amaysngrace Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Is this a good sign? Could this mean he likes me more than I think he does? Or is this just something guys do? I think narcissists only associate with those they hold in high esteem. But still think they are better than those they associate with. I don't know if he's NPD. Nobody knows for sure. Just be careful. Bragging on you could also mean he really respects you. As long as he isn't objectifying you don't worry about it. He may really like you. And if you think too much you could blow it.
tanbark813 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Funny thing is that I came from the big version of the industry he is working towards. (picture talking to someone who makes low budget indepentent films in a small town when you just came from in Hollywood). He says enjoys that I challenge him because no one ever has. Oh, well. I guess I'll just have to enjoy working my psycho-analytical brain on him while it lasts. It's good practice for me. You both sound pretty f**king cocky. You should be a good match for each other.
Author maynicholas Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Aw, I'm not cocky- I'm self-actualized.
tanbark813 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Aw, I'm not cocky- I'm self-actualized. I'm going to steal that term and start using it.
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Aw, I'm not cocky- I'm self-actualized. I don't think you're cocky, but I'm also not threatened by success. As far as your guy - I guess only you can decide if his behavior is tolerable. Is this something you have tried to make him aware of? Perhaps he doesn't really know how he comes off to people?
tanbark813 Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 I don't think you're cocky, but I'm also not threatened by success. If this was a poor attempt at a stab at me then you clearly know nothing about me.
Author maynicholas Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 Feel free to! But seriously... back to my question... What does that mean if he is talking about me all the time? Is that something you guys do on a regular basis? I though is was just a girl thing.
Author maynicholas Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 As far as his behavior is concerned- I really haven't spent enough time with him yet to figure out if it is tolerable or not. We have only been dating for a month. But I am in a different place than him since I just ended a long term relationship in July, so part of me is still in the 'pair' mindset. He doesn't do anything nice for me, but then again, there has never been an opportunity for him to either. We are going on our first activity date next week (usually we just hang out and drink and chat till the wee hours- which I'm cool with) so I think I'll have a better idea about him after that.
Florida Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Feel free to! But seriously... back to my question... What does that mean if he is talking about me all the time? Is that something you guys do on a regular basis? I though is was just a girl thing. I think that's a great sign! And it shows he is not doing it to flatter you, as you wouldn't have known except through the grapevine. Nothing wrong with the traits you mentioned, you are just seeing some of his quirks, they are better than most of the quirks people have. If anyone is an aspiring anything they will tend to be annoying puffing themselves up, but maybe it is deserved too, in some cases. Maybe he just wants that acknowledgement from you!!
Jilly Bean Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 As far as his behavior is concerned- I really haven't spent enough time with him yet to figure out if it is tolerable or not. We have only been dating for a month. But I am in a different place than him since I just ended a long term relationship in July, so part of me is still in the 'pair' mindset. He doesn't do anything nice for me, but then again, there has never been an opportunity for him to either. We are going on our first activity date next week (usually we just hang out and drink and chat till the wee hours- which I'm cool with) so I think I'll have a better idea about him after that. Oh OK, sorry - I didn't realize this was so new. Well then, part of it may be his own insecurities and trying to impress you with his laundry list of accomplishments. He's preening, perhaps. He likes you, and is trying too hard to ensure you return that.
Author maynicholas Posted December 13, 2007 Author Posted December 13, 2007 I have let him know that I like him regardless of what he has or hasn't accomplished. He jokes about me having a wall up, but the truth is I feel like he does. I have yet to see the man behind the self talk. I am only assuming there is one there becasue every once and a while it slips out when we are hanging out with a group of friends- and I trust my BFF when she says there is a really good guy with a big heart behind the egotist I keep seeing. I just wish I could see it on the one on one level. Any tips on getting him to let that guard down?
Florida Posted December 13, 2007 Posted December 13, 2007 Any tips on getting him to let that guard down? Try to gear topics away from areas of professional accomplishment and things in that area. Try to get him to focus more on the person behind the man. Or creating those intimate jokes that no one else knows what you two are talking about. Would you say you are more advanced in your area than he is in his? I'm wondering if that could be the source of this. It's definitely not something you ever want to confront head on, you could destroy him without meaning to.
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