allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Yes, I would give him a call/send a text and say that you've thought about it and it's fine if he needs the night to himself. Tell him not to worry about it, and that you have some stuff to get done as well. I think this is a good option as well. I'd text him to say no worries about tonight and to take care or something.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 On one hand everything in his life is so up in the air which is very scary and stressful. Once he figures out his next steps and has a solid plan lined up I'm sure things will change for the better. If you want to keep this relationship going I feel like you may have to give him a little more space for the time being. I feel like men in this situation often get overwhelmed because they are stressed and can't give their gfs 100% and see the gf being hurt, this is what leads to the whole "I just can't handle a relationship right now" speech. That's what I'm the most worried about right now. I want to do what I can to make his life less stressful, not more overwhelming.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 i don't think i would text him, to be honest. he might ear that beep go off, think 'what now?!' and take it as a 'fine, i don't want to see you anyway, have your way, i'm going out.' texts don't relay emotion or tone, so that could be a bad thing.
Krytie TV Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hey Star, on a side note, this relationship kinda seems like it's making you act like someone you're not. Just from the outside looking in with the occasional posts over the last two months it seems to me (and I could be waaaay off) that you're kinda losing your identity in this whole thing. Like everything you do and say is about him. What about you?
allina Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 That's what I'm the most worried about right now. I want to do what I can to make his life less stressful, not more overwhelming. I think I would text him (instead of calling which can be more interruptive) and say something like "Hi babe, don't worry about tonight, get everything done and relax, *kiss* - SG" If he gets a calm, yet also sweet text he'll feel a lot less worried and obligated. Just don't let this happen ALL the time, you don't want to cater to his mood on a constant basis.
shadowplay Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 i don't think i would text him, to be honest. he might ear that beep go off, think 'what now?!' and take it as a 'fine, i don't want to see you anyway, have your way, i'm going out.' texts don't relay emotion or tone, so that could be a bad thing. I disagree. I think this is one of the rare situations where a text is appropriate because it's less intrusive/demanding than giving him another call.
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hey Star, on a side note, this relationship kinda seems like it's making you act like someone you're not. Just from the outside looking in with the occasional posts over the last two months it seems to me (and I could be waaaay off) that you're kinda losing your identity in this whole thing. Like everything you do and say is about him. What about you? i was just trying to edit my last post to say that she also might want to sit back and think about all this and reconsider trying to fit herself around someone else's moods. trying to figure out when, how, or why it's okay to contact someone doesn't seem fair, or like much fun. is he always like this star gazer? i haven't read other posts about him.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Hey Star, on a side note, this relationship kinda seems like it's making you act like someone you're not. Just from the outside looking in with the occasional posts over the last two months it seems to me (and I could be waaaay off) that you're kinda losing your identity in this whole thing. Like everything you do and say is about him. What about you? I haven't lost my identity, but I have certainly lost my mind.
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Just give him that space. Maybe he's feeling abit too much and some men can't handle their emotions, that feeling of inlove...So, inturn they hide for abit... You know things are good between you so don't take it out of context, him needing some time apart. This isn't about you, the relationship or what he feels for you - It's about him just wanting to do other things and detach from his feelings for a little bit. I hope this makes sense to you. I know it hurts and you're so inlove, those feelings of emotional attachment, wanting to be with him more or less 24/7 are overwhelming - So, is it possible that he is feeling overwhelmed too but it is just coming out another way? A way that you're not used to?
KenzieAbsolutely Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I disagree. I think this is one of the rare situations where a text is appropriate because it's less intrusive/demanding than giving him another call. i didn't say she should call him. i just said that texts are easily misconstrued, and the midst of a problem already happening, a message that is void of emotion can be taken any way he wants, and not necessarily how she means it. i think she should wait til he calls her. if he can't do his own thing, fine, he'll have to deal with it. he said the spave thing, she's trying to be accommodating. he can't fault her for that, and if he does, then he's just being picky, which means nothing she did, no matter how she does it, will have made him happy.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 i don't think i would text him, to be honest. he might ear that beep go off, think 'what now?!' and take it as a 'fine, i don't want to see you anyway, have your way, i'm going out.' texts don't relay emotion or tone, so that could be a bad thing. I think I agree. I've noticed twice now that if I contact him after he's told me he will call me that he seems to get a little perturbed. He's specifically asked for "space today from me," so any contact whatsoever - even something as minimally invasive as a text - might just piss him off. i was just trying to edit my last post to say that she also might want to sit back and think about all this and reconsider trying to fit herself around someone else's moods. trying to figure out when, how, or why it's okay to contact someone doesn't seem fair, or like much fun. is he always like this star gazer? i haven't read other posts about him. No, he's not always like this. But I do find myself trying to do and say the right thing most of the time.
sb129 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Stargazer did you look at the link I posted? i was sending you some virtual flowers with the pricetags on them to make you smile!
Cobra_X30 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 This is the first time I've felt like this. He's very, very attentive to me. That's why I'm so blown away with this - it's like he's pulled a 180 after the weekend. Growing pains! Relationships always hit turbulence... Dont take this kind of thing too personal... Really this probably has more to do with him and his life than how he feels about you. I dont like the fact that your crying upsets him. Lots of good guys like that... but sometimes they can come across as uncaring, even when they are not!
melodymatters Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Yeah, I agree with your last post SG. There's no "good" way to contact him, without doing the very thing that is perturbing him : " not giving space" This is the time to do the old mental switcheroo. Pretend he's one of those guys you dated that you weren't really that into. No way you'd be sweating this then ! Don't call, when he calls be sweet and yes " breezy", tell him it's ok to just get things done so that you can be relaxed next time your together. If he gets pissed about clearing his schedule, then just be honest. " What do you WANT me to do honey ? You sounded so stressed today I wanted to give you time to unwind, but if you really DO want me to come tonight, then of course I will." All of this in a tone of loving support and honesty. Good luck sweetie : Don't you hate it when that magical honeymoon period starts to smell like "real life" ??
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Stargazer did you look at the link I posted? i was sending you some virtual flowers with the pricetags on them to make you smile! I just did. They're lovely. Growing pains! Relationships always hit turbulence... Dont take this kind of thing too personal... Really this probably has more to do with him and his life than how he feels about you. But I'm in his life. How does "his life" have nothing to do with me? I dont like the fact that your crying upsets him. Lots of good guys like that... but sometimes they can come across as uncaring, even when they are not! He gets UPSET when I cry, not mad or angry. He gets frustrated, he doesn't know why I'm crying and doesn't like to see me sad.
shadowplay Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Growing pains! Relationships always hit turbulence... Dont take this kind of thing too personal... Really this probably has more to do with him and his life than how he feels about you. I dont like the fact that your crying upsets him. Lots of good guys like that... but sometimes they can come across as uncaring, even when they are not! In my experience it entirely depends on the guy. Some guys love taking care of women and feel touched when a girl cries. Others don't like too many demands put on them, and they interpret crying as a demand. Also, guys get frustrated when there is a problem that they don't know how to fix. If she's crying and he feels that he is helpless to make her feel better, this will lead to frustration.
whichwayisup Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 But I'm in his life. How does "his life" have nothing to do with me? Stuff he needs and wants to do on his own. He gets UPSET when I cry, not mad or angry. He gets frustrated, he doesn't know why I'm crying and doesn't like to see me sad. Because he doesn't know how to handle it, most men feel weird when a woman cries.
Cobra_X30 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 But I'm in his life. How does "his life" have nothing to do with me? Yeah, your the good part of his life! I dont like to put green beans in my ice cream. Sometimes you seperate the good parts and the bad. That changes as time goes on... but for now... he doesnt want to burden you with his load. He gets UPSET when I cry, not mad or angry. He gets frustrated, he doesn't know why I'm crying and doesn't like to see me sad. How does it make you feel when he gets upset over you crying? He probably feels like he needs to do something to fix it... but doesnt know how.
norajane Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Star, you were disappointed that he seemed to not want to see you after being away for a week...and I think you're overreacting a bit. Ok, a lot. He sounds like he's a had a miserable time lately, and is just now getting back home and has tons on his plate. And when you called, you caught him at a really bad time when he was already super-frustrated with the dog and whatnot. And then you laid a guilt-trip on him about not wanting to see you... People do get overwhelmed with what's going on in their lives at times, and for him, I expect he figured he would rather see you when he can focus on you and enjoy being with you, rather than having his mind on a million other nagging worries. He probably thought you'd enjoy that more, too, instead of seeing him all distracted and out-of-sorts. My advice would be to stop freaking out about this. Give this guy the benefit of the doubt, as you two have had a strong relationship to date. You have to sometimes give a little - in this case, giving him some time to deal with his issues on his own and forgoing the opportunity to have your desires met by seeing him. I would not text or call him at this point. I think that will add to the aggravation and miscommunication. Texts are crap for communicating about an issue that is causing you stress, anyway...think of how you'll feel if you send that text and he doesn't respond to it... He said he would call you tonight. When he does, be your charming lovely self who is always happy to hear from him. And apologize, with a smile, and tell him you had missed him while he was away, so when he said he had too much going on tonight to see you, you reacted out of disappointment. Be gracious and tell him you understand what he's going through, and you'd be happy to see him another night if that works out better for him. Put yourself in his shoes, maybe where you're preparing for a tense deposition, and then get another case dumped in your lap last minute that you now have to research and write a brief for, while at the same time, your dog is throwing up all over your case files and you just found three huge pimples on your chin...wouldn't you appreciate that evening off so you can get your stuff taken care and your mind back in balance? Wouldn't it be nicer if your bf reacted to that by saying, i'm so sorry you're going through all that. I'll see you tomorrow when you're feeling better and I'll bring chocolate? Wouldn't you end up feeling far worse if he was hurt and upset that you said another time would be far better to get together? Don't turn this into a make-it or break-it thing. It's not. It's just two people operating on high emotion and making far too much of it.
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Fantastic advice, NJ. I think you hit every nail on the head. Don't turn this into a make-it or break-it thing. It's not. It's just two people operating on high emotion and making far too much of it. My concern is that HE is turning it into a make-it or break-it thing.
sb129 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Listen to Aunty NoraJane SG. Her post makes ALOT of sense. guys get frustrated when there is a problem that they don't know how to fix. If she's crying and he feels that he is helpless to make her feel better, this will lead to frustration. This is so true. Wonderboy is a real Mr. Fixit man. If he can't fix it, he gets annoyed. He now gets that sometimes I just want to rant and rave and cry and let off steam, but I don't think he likes it that much. We have fights, we are still growing into eachother, you guys are too.
norajane Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 My concern is that HE is turning it into a make-it or break-it thing. I doubt it. He's probably still freaking out about all his issues (imagine what his SUV smells like right now!! and how that poor dog must be whimpering in his ear), and when he's in a calmer place this evening, he'll call you and be able to talk with less stress and trauma. None of us are perfect under stress and pressure, and he's probably kicking himself for making you feel bad today.
norajane Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Listen to Aunty NoraJane SG. Her post makes ALOT of sense. That's cuz I react the exact same way to disappointment! But, can I be big-sis Norajane? I'm too young to be an Aunty to Star...
Author Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 When I'm upset - with work, with a friend, with anything - just the thought of seeing him that day/night puts me in a better mood. When I'm stressed, I want to be closer to him, not farther away. He seems to feel the opposite. Are men and women wired differently in this regard?
oppath Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 When I'm upset - with work, with a friend, with anything - just the thought of seeing him that day/night puts me in a better mood. When I'm stressed, I want to be closer to him, not farther away. He seems to feel the opposite. Are men and women wired differently in this regard? I'm different as a dude in that in the moment, during the storm, I want some distance, but once it has calmed a little I feel close.
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