"Space"?

[Star Gazer]

Very upset right now. Be prepared for a LONG post. Sorry guys.

 

BF returned home this morning from being out of town visiting family Friday through this morning and went immediately into a nasty work situation. Over the weekend he experienced a little bit of family drama and work drama, both of which have made him unusually grouchy.

 

Last night I asked if I would get to see him tonight. His response wasn't all that exciting, just "It shouldn't be a problem." A "problem"?? I didn't question it. He then wished me sweet dreams and said he'd call me after he came down from the mountain so that I knew he made it back safely, and that he'd also call me later in the day to discuss tonight's plans.

 

He never called this morning, so I called him just to make sure he got down the mountain okay (he was having brake problems too all weekend, and it's snowing up there). He answered the phone and bit my head off, and said only, "I'll call you in a minute." When he called back, he immediately apologized and explained why he had snapped at me (the dog he was working with had just sh*t and vomited in the crate in the SUV he was in). Makes sense to be grouchy, right? Right. Well then the conversation continues about what he has to do today, and he just sounds even grouchier. So I ask him if he was grouchy at me or the situation. He said, "I'm just grouchy in general, don't take it personally."

 

The last time he went out of town for almost a week was over Thanksgiving. While gone during that period, he was very sweet and lovey dovey on the phone, all "I miss you, I can't wait to come home to you" blah blah. So when he said, "It shouldn't be a problem," this time I noticed a stark difference in tone and interest in seeing me, but wasn't sure what was causing it. Anyway, this morning I cutely ask him what he'd like me to bring over tonight (I usually bring something, be it a treat, wine, a movie, something), and his response is "I don't know, Star, I don't know. I don't know if I can do it tonight."

 

"What do you mean?" I ask.

 

"I just have all this stuff I need to get ready for the week, I need to .... [rattles all the stuff off, the same stuff he always does]." And then he says words I never thought I'd hear: "I just need some space from you today."

 

"Space"? He's had nearly 5 days of space. I'm silent. After about 20 seconds he says, "What do you want me to say, Star?!"

 

I say, "I just want you to feel the same way about me that I do about you in that after being gone you'd want to see me."

 

He says, "Of course I want to see you, I just have all this stuff I want to take care of for the upcoming week.....[he goes off and lists it again]"

 

I say, "Well, I'm in no way suggesting that you don't do those things. We can get together after you're done, but by all means, if you need space, take alllllll the space you want." (At this point, I'm choking up, and he can hear it.)

 

"Why are you crying?!" (He's getting frustrated.)

 

"Because when someone says they need space, it's not a good sign. I didn't expect dinner or a movie, I just wanted to see you. Touch you. Sleep next to you."

 

He then goes on to repeat the things he wants to get done today, and I tell him again that I know about that stuff but thought we could get together well after he estimates he'd be done so that he has extra time for whatever. He then calms down and seems as though he'll make the effort to take care of his stuff as soon as he can and says he'll call me later today to give me a better ETA regarding when we can get together. I again tell him that there's no rush, to take his time and get whatever he wants done done.

 

But I was still VERY upset when we got off the phone. I worry that our heavy conversation last week about his job-status might be making him feel overwhelmed with me. Unfortunately, he's not the best communicator, and when I try to talk to him about anything I end up upset, which in turns frustrates him.

 

He's got a lot of stuff going on right now. A new position and schedule at work (that starts today), some family drama, some financial troubles, and then the fact that he's up in the air re: what to do work-wise when he gets out of the military in January.

 

I don't know if I should even answer the phone when he calls or go over there tonight. He needs space. I should give it to him, right? Is this space really space from ME, or just that he wants alone time for himself?

 

I really want to see him tonight. If I don't see him tonight, it will be a while before we get to spend time together because I have plans this week....

[Cobra_X30]

Space means... he is in a bad mood, and doesnt want to hurt you!

 

Well, that's how it would be for me anyway. Let him have some time to sort his crap out... I suppose you could offer to help him... but that doesnt sound like fun.

 

He WILL want to see you again soon!

[sb129]

Oh my darling SG.

 

Did you know there is a florists called Stargazer http://www.stargazertheflorist.co.uk/

 

I go past it every Monday and I think of you every time.

 

I think you should answer the phone, and if you want to see him GO over there if he asks you to.

I think the most likely scenario is he is grouchy and stressed, and is worried that you might see that side of him if you go over, or he is worried that that he might not get all the stuff done in time, and not be able to devote time to you properly.

 

DON'T worry! He still loves you. He is a guy- they generally can't multitask as well as we women can. If they have to do that it freaks them out.

[Krytie TV]

Well Star, after hearing this, my view hasn't changed. However, I think it would be a bad idea to get together with him tonight. It would be a consolation rendezvous and he may even resent having to be with you. I think you should take the pride stance and tell him if he doesn't care, then you're not interested in seeing him.

[melodymatters]

Oh, I'm so sorry Star ! Not that I think this is any big deal, but I know it feels so unsettling.

 

I would NOT go over there tonight, delay your gratification for the greater good : in this case, making him miss you and perhaps fear that he, is losing YOU.

 

By all means talk on the phone, don't be b*tchy, but retain your personal power, don't let him know he rattled you that easily.

 

Big hugs ! Keep us updated !

 

Melody

[AlwaysLost]

I feel really bad for you but sometimes guys dont handle stress well and freak out on the closest ones in their lives. I do think you shouldnt stand for it, dont tell him so but dont go over either. Just say i know you got a lot going on and think space is a good idea. This not only turns the tables on him, it may make him realize he cant just dump all over you. Best of Luck!!

[sb129]

Actually on second thoughts, I agree with Melody and KTV re: going over there tonight.. But don't worry too much about it.

[oppath]

I'm sorry Star.

 

I don't know what to say. My last relationship ended like this. I had been gone for Christmas for 1.5 weeks. She had lots of plans the weekend I got back. "When are we going to get together to exchange gifts and celebrate my birthday." "I don't know. I told you, I'm busy. I've got things to do." Of course my platform was "I've been gone for 1.5 weeks. I'd think my girlfriend would want to see me ASAP coming home? What's going on?"

 

Point is: you were right to say "usually space means something bad."

 

But NOT ALWAYS. I have a buddy who is still with his gf, who told him "I need some space right now" in front of my face. It really was temporary, as in "just for today and maybe tomorrow."

 

I understand your needs though. You want to see him. Even if he is busy, you just want to spend the night next to him, to touch him, to sleep next to him. That is not a lot to ask.

 

All you can do is wait this out, and when he wants to talk, calmly explain "I know what it is like to be overwhelmed. It happens to me all the time, and I understand if you are busy and need some space. But if we haven't seen each other in a while, and that is how you feel, I just need something small. If you have a lot to do, even if it is just sleeping in the same bed together, that is all I need and I understand."

[JamesM]

Space means... he is in a bad mood, and doesnt want to hurt you!

 

Well, that's how it would be for me anyway. Let him have some time to sort his crap out... I suppose you could offer to help him... but that doesnt sound like fun.

 

He WILL want to see you again soon!

 

Ditto to this 100%.

 

As much as you are afraid he is leaving you, this is unlikely. He probably had a stressful time away, came back to a stressful work situation, and then had a stressful ride down the mountains. Now the one thing he needs is to relax and be alone with no stress. He is in no mood to be extra friendly...no matter who he would be with. Trust me...I totally understood how he felt throughout your story, and I almost predicted each response before I read it.

 

Don't panic. Relax. And let him have his space.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

How long have you been dating? What's your ages?

 

It sounds as if he's scared about something. What I don't know. Can you offer him the "space" he wants? In the meantime, tell him that you will be going out and rekindling things with friends. Do not stay home and wait for him. You will only regret it....

[Star Gazer]

So what do I say when he calls? Make no mention of tonight?

 

This is the thing: He's in the military right now, as you know, and works like 12 hour shifts. It takes him 20-30 minutes (sometimes more) just to iron his uniform. Then he has to polish his shoes (another 20-30 minutes). Then he has to make his meals for the 12 hours and put them in a little cooler thing. I've seen him go through this process several times, it's legit. It takes him forever because he's anal. So when he says he has all this stuff to do to get ready for the week, that's what he's referring to.

 

Before this week, he worked somewhere between 2 and 4 days a week, kinda randomly disbursed. We generally saw each other on the days he didn't work at all. Because he's about to be discharged, they took his awesome dog away from him and gave him a lame dog that's literally sick/ill, and changed his schedule so that he works M-F - same hours, more days. This is really upsetting to him...he lost his partner (the dog), got an ill dog in return, got pulled off patrol, and is stuck doing a position he doesn't like, and has less time to do ANYTHING...either for himself, or with me/family.

 

On top of it, I'm in the corner going, "I want to seeeeeeeeeee you!" That's gotta be annoying, despite the fact it's said with the most love and affection one could possibly give.

[sb129]

One thing about guys, well my guy anyway, is that when he is stressed or annoyed, all he wants to do is sit in front of a football or playstation game with a beer and not talk.

He zones out, and I have to remember not to get offended that he doesn't want to dissect whatever it is thats bugging him until later, or maybe not at all.

[Krytie TV]

On a fundamental level, it's about compatibility. You need to decide if the compatibility is there. Can you handle a relationship in which you're always in the corner wanting to be seen? I think this has less to do with how much you like each other and more to do with equity in a relationship.

[Star Gazer]

It would be a consolation rendezvous and he may even resent having to be with you. I think you should take the pride stance and tell him if he doesn't care, then you're not interested in seeing him.

 

I agree that he might come to resent me. I fear it now, actually. Now that I'm in his life, he has to balance me with everything else he's got going on. I fear he may start to resent having to balance...

 

I know he cares, and I do want to see him, so I can't say what you suggested because I'd be lying to his face.

 

don't let him know he rattled you that easily.

 

Unfortunately, I think he already knows he rattled me.

 

All you can do is wait this out, and when he wants to talk, calmly explain "I know what it is like to be overwhelmed. It happens to me all the time, and I understand if you are busy and need some space. But if we haven't seen each other in a while, and that is how you feel, I just need something small. If you have a lot to do, even if it is just sleeping in the same bed together, that is all I need and I understand."

 

That's almost verbatim what I said to him that made him calm down and agree to see each other tonight, TBA.

[Star Gazer]

On a fundamental level, it's about compatibility. You need to decide if the compatibility is there. Can you handle a relationship in which you're always in the corner wanting to be seen? I think this has less to do with how much you like each other and more to do with equity in a relationship.

 

This is the first time I've felt like this. He's very, very attentive to me. That's why I'm so blown away with this - it's like he's pulled a 180 after the weekend.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

He needs space. I should give it to him, right? Is this space really space from ME, or just that he wants alone time for himself?

 

yes, if you care about what he thinks and don't want to make it worse, then of course, it should go without saying, that you give him what he asks for and has pretty blatantly made it clear that he wants.

 

just a thought....you mentioned you don't know why he would need space when he had, you said 5 days i think, of space from you already.

 

but if he was already worked up, and you called him at bad moments when he already said he would call you, or if he was ready and waiting for a problem with you because of his time constraints and mood, or expected the phone to ring, even the anticipation of these things happening is an annoyance when you're in a bad mood because of other stuff.

 

maybe that sounds convoluted. let me try to explain it this way. it's a little different, because it was a friend who did this to me, not a love, but same concept.

 

i had this friend, i'll call her marla. sometimes, i was busy with family, school, work, etc, so some days would pass before i had a chance to call her. she would send me messages, or call, and ask where i was and what i was doing, and i would say it's not a good time to talk or hang out, i'll call you when the time is better. she never gave me a chance to call when the time was better, because she was calling me again before i could get back to her. so if i was already busy, and albeit a little grouchy, her not giving me a minute to settle before she popped back up again made me very reluctant to call her at all. she began to be needy and impatient, and it made things a lot worse. then she would get teary and accusatory, and it wasn't endearing, and it didn't make me feel bad or understand---it made me angry and annoyed because she just wasn't getting it. how could i not have made time for her in a week, she would ask. and to me, i felt like i already had made time, because i had to answer her calls, read her messages, and spend time thinking how to handle her nicely without hurting her feelings, on top of worrying about things that were immediately in front of, and she didn't get that all she needed was a little patience, and to back off me a little, and i would happily have gotten in touch with her when i was ready.

 

does that make any sense? maybe his 'time off' from you didn't feel like the break or the space he needed because much of the already busy, stressful time was spent anticipating and dealing with the problems and annoyance he was experiencing regarding you.

 

does that make any sense? all those words, sorry. there must be an easier way to explain it, but that's the best i can do for now.

[Star Gazer]

KA - I understand you completely. Thanks.

 

In your opinion, what should I do now? Let him know he's off the hook for tonight? Suggest another time when he calls?

[KenzieAbsolutely]

KA - I understand you completely. Thanks.

 

In your opinion, what should I do now? Let him know he's off the hook for tonight? Suggest another time when he calls?

 

i would not see him tonight. i would just tell him you understand he's busy, and you would rather get together at a time when you're both looking forward to it. if you get together tonight, it might end up causing an argument you don't want, for one reason or another.

 

but don't say this to him in a teary, accusatory tone, because you don't want to guilt him into seeing you--which won't go well. say it nicely, but firmly, like in a way that he'll see you're not about to jump at the chance to hang out with him after he's a little nasty, either. be 'breezy.' but remember, you don't want to give him the idea that he can pull this every time he has a bad day.

 

he's the one who asked for space. so give it to him. if he decides he doesn't really want it, he'll go out of his way to prove it, and then you can go from there.

 

if marla had only played her cards right, we would still be friends. we're not.

[shadowplay]

Hey, I know how terrible you must be feeling. I agree with others that you shouldn't go over there tonight. Try to back off a bit in general. But don't ignore his calls. If he calls you be cordial/friendly but don't put any demands on him (in terms of spending time with him). Let him be the one to ask.

[allina]

"I just need some space from you today."

 

(At this point, I'm choking up, and he can hear it.)

 

"Why are you crying?!" (He's getting frustrated.)

 

 

Did he say he needed space or needed space from YOU? I know it's rough but I would try to let this go, but not on a regular basis. You don't want a relationship where the guy is throwing the space thing at you each time something comes up.

 

Him getting annoyed with you crying is sort of harsh on his side

 

 

 

So what do I say when he calls? Make no mention of tonight?

 

 

I think it would be best to wait a few days, don't mention it tonight. I would suggest not seeing him tonight. Calmly and nicely say that it's okay, you want him to get his stuff done and that you're going to grab dinner with a friend.

 

I agree that he might come to resent me. I fear it now, actually. Now that I'm in his life, he has to balance me with everything else he's got going on. I fear he may start to resent having to balance...

 

I know he cares, and I do want to see him, so I can't say what you suggested because I'd be lying to his face.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, I think he already knows he rattled me.

 

 

On one hand everything in his life is so up in the air which is very scary and stressful. Once he figures out his next steps and has a solid plan lined up I'm sure things will change for the better. If you want to keep this relationship going I feel like you may have to give him a little more space for the time being. I feel like men in this situation often get overwhelmed because they are stressed and can't give their gfs 100% and see the gf being hurt, this is what leads to the whole "I just can't handle a relationship right now" speech.

 

On the other hand you make so many excuses for him. Yes, I agree they are valid but whenever he disappoints you you have a list of reasons to justify his actions. Like I said above this is probably temporary and will change once he knows what life has coming for him but don't let him drain you too much.

[shadowplay]

The important thing is to keep being friendly and sweet to him and act like the whole thing isn't a big deal. Don't act upset because in a way that's putting a demand on him.

[Star Gazer]

Allina - he said he needed space today from me. His exact words were, "I just need a little space from you today."

 

How do I go about NOT seeing him tonight? I'm concerned he'll get upset about that too, like, "What? I made efforts to get my sh*t done and now you're canceling on me?"

 

So, should I let him know NOW that we can hang out another time?

[shadowplay]

Allina - he said he needed space today from me. His exact words were, "I just need a little space from you today."

 

How do I go about NOT seeing him tonight? I'm concerned he'll get upset about that too, like, "What? I made efforts to get my sh*t done and now you're canceling on me?"

 

So, should I let him know NOW that we can hang out another time?

 

Yes, I would give him a call/send a text and say that you've thought about it and it's fine if he needs the night to himself. Tell him not to worry about it, and that you have some stuff to get done as well.

[Krytie TV]

Yeah. If you're choosing not to see him, tell him as soon as possible so he can do his thing his way.

[allina]

Allina - he said he needed space today from me. His exact words were, "I just need a little space from you today."

 

How do I go about NOT seeing him tonight? I'm concerned he'll get upset about that too, like, "What? I made efforts to get my sh*t done and now you're canceling on me?"

 

So, should I let him know NOW that we can hang out another time?

 

Well if he rushes and makes sacrifices to see you and really wants to see you don't turn him down. However, after all that he may just want to unwind and have some alone time, I know I would. You don't want to make him do anything out of guilt.