wherewouldibe Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Why oh why do I always end up having relationships with guys who have a hard time putting me first (or 2nd in some cases?) It seems like everything is great at first (or else I wouldnt' have started dating them) and then slowly over time I realize that the guy is very selfish. There is nothing wrong with being a little selfish but I'm talking about guys who want EVERYTHING their way. I've tried looking for patterns in the guys I date but come up with nothing-the only thing they have in common is none of them come from divorced families. (and my parents are still together as well) Here is the list of the basic "requirements" of what I look for in a guy- no criminal record, has a job, we have something in common, no drugs, is responsible, is easy to talk to, we have fun together and can talk about anything. I'm not the world's best catch but I am college educated, have a good job, no kids, no criminal record, dont' smoke or do drugs, I'm cute, I have a lot of interests, I'm open minded, I am energetic, I'm a good listener. So far my serious relationships consist of guy #1- Seemed like a real sweetie when we met. We were only 18 at the time adn he hadn't had a serious relationship. he pulled out all the stops- brought me flowers all the time, complimented me, took me out everywhere and paid, was very attentive, we could talk about anything- he was in school to become a pilot- spent most of his free time flying, blew me off for school, work, family, etc. They always sounded like good reasons at the time but when he blew off my college graduation ceremony to go fishing with his dad I got rid of him. also another stupid thing he did that comes to mind is that once we were taking a two hour road trip and he had two cars- one was a sports car and the other a work car (didnt' have air conditioning) well it was a 102 degree day and he ended up bringing the work car over to pick me up even though it had no air conditioning and would make for a MISERABLE ride. His reasoning was that it might rain that day and he didn't want to get his sports car dirty. This guy was also very selfish in bed. We would actually get into fights because I didn't want to have sex (cause most of the time I didn't enjoy it becasue it was over so quickly) and he'd demand that I give him a hj or something. Like it was my duty. 2nd guy- was a total sweetheart when I met him. I actually had known him casually for a few years before we dated. He was a volunteer fireman (at the time I thought this was very unselfish that he'd risk his life to save others and not even get paid for it) He also was very close to his family like I am. We had a lot in common and the first six months of dating him was the best time ever. But then he started taking me for granted. He would help out his entire family (do things for mom, dad sister brothers, even his aunt or uncles and cut into our time together. I was just supposed to understand. But when he wanted to see ME I'd better drop everything to do so. And if I did'n't i'd hear about it for the next three months! So that was the end of him. Now my current bf is very selfish in some ways (not in bed) and he has a child so i understand his son comes before me. and its not that he blows me off because he never does but he expects more out of me than he expects out of himself. For ex. he wanted me to go to a party with him, i didn't want to go. Well now he is retaliating saying the next time I ask him to do something he's not going to go. He said he needs to do this to make himself feel better. This is coming from a 31 year old "man". All of these guys seemed so normal at first- guy #3 is a single dad and I was impressed by this when I met him. He takes care of his son with little or no help from anyone else. He's very used to making sacrifices but when it comes to me he seems to think I OWE him everything that HE wants. Like he is tired of sacrificing for his son and wants me to feel exactly like he does. Why do I keep dating guys that turn into these losers?
tomwiz Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 No offesne here...but I'm not suprised. You seem to drive away what are otherwise nice guys. Guess what, you were selfish in these situations too, didnt want to go to a party with him? Puts his kids first. No one is perfect and I think you're looking too hard for one, b/c your not going to find it.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Wow, that's pretty much my past scenerios. I guess there are a lot of selfish guys out there and we are just dumb enough to find them. I think it's bad luck! You'll find someone better, just keep weeding out the weeds.
tanbark813 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Out of curiosty, what are some nice things you've done for these guys?
Author wherewouldibe Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 Tom, I dont think a "nice" guy would not attend his fiance's graduation from college (especially after she attended his) just to go fishing with his father-who he saw every day. What nice things did I do for these guys- well guy #1 was a long time ago so let me try to remember- I'm a people pleaser so I always do things that I think will make the other person happy. for ex, guy #1 was sentimental so for our 2 yr anniversary I made him a scrap book using pics of us and some funny sayings and wrote about our favorite memories. He actually cried when I gave it to him. also with guy #1 he loved car shows so I went to tons of car shows with him (even though I dont like them), I attended college two hours away from where he lived but I drove home every single weekend just to see him. When he got a job (as a pilot) he had to move 9 hours away and I moved to be with him (only lasted 4 months) but at least it was nice of me at the time. I'm always very thoughtful when it comes to gifts, I like to make my guy's favorite meals for them. oh and with guy #1 for one of his birthdays I got some of his friends together and paid for them all to go to a strip club. (they thought I was the coolest girlfriend ever ha ha) Before we had sex, i would give him a hj every night we were together (and he wouldn't do much to me) I chalk this up to me being inexperienced and not knowing any better! guy #2 I was very affectionate with him (which he liked) If he would spend the night I woudl make him lunch to take to work with him, he didn't have a lot of money so I understood when we couldn't go out very much. I always rent movies HE wanted to see. Again I put a lot of thought into gifts. I gave him a lot of space at times when I knew he wanted to hang out with his friends or wanted to hang out at his fire station. I wasn't clingy at all but I made sure he felt appreciated. I would do sweet little things I knew he liked. I dressed up like a victoria secret model when we had sex (cause I know he liked it) I was understanding (or tried to be) when he would leave to go help his entire family with stuff. with guy #3 there is not enough space on this page to write all the nice things I did for him. mostly just helping him with his son-babysitting him on ocassion, taking him trick or treating etc, always bringing little gifts for them, I bought his son school supplies, when my bf went to court to get custody I did all kinds of internet research about the custody laws in his state and helped him find a good attorney. Iv'e bought him groceries when he couldnt' afford them, I helped him decorate his house, I fix dinner for them a lot, I help him clean his house (even though I don't live there) I watch his son when he works late, I go to his house all the time cause my car uses less gas then his truck does. I try new things with him all the time (sexually) I've bought him porn. I've done sweet things to suprise him. I always put his son first (as in if I want to go somewhere and his son doesn't want to go I'll just agree not to go) So while I"m not perfect I think I've done a lot of nice things for the various guys I've dated.
fral945 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Here is the list of the basic "requirements" of what I look for in a guy- no criminal record, has a job, we have something in common, no drugs, is responsible, is easy to talk to, we have fun together and can talk about anything. I'm not the world's best catch but I am college educated, have a good job, no kids, no criminal record, dont' smoke or do drugs, I'm cute, I have a lot of interests, I'm open minded, I am energetic, I'm a good listener. Coming from a guy's perspective, you might want to try finding out about as many of these things as possible beforehand. If you can find maybe former roomates or friends, that would be a good start. I hate to tell you this (and maybe I'm being pessimistic), but even though I think your requests are very reasonable, I don't think there are very many men with all of those qualities. Fun men tend to have problems with jobs and money, and men who hold jobs and are good with money are usually kind of boring (like me, lol). Plus all men (at least the ones with women) put on an act or withhold certain information when trying to get a woman. They are obviously trying to put their best foot forward. I think a good analogy would be a job. In the job interview (i.e., the courting phase of a relationship) you put your best foot forward. You go the extra mile with tasks (i.e., flowers, chocolate, romantic dinners) and are always attentive. Eventually, though, once you have secured the job (i.e., now in the relationship) you become complacent. You've learned what is expected of you and you will do the minimum needed to get the job done (i.e., no more flowers, dinner maybe once a month). Eventually, if you become inefficient enough at work (i.e., you don't do the flowers, romantic dinners, etc. more) you will be fired (i.e., break-up). I guess the moral of my story is a relationship takes maintenance, and if both people are not willing to do some maintenance, there is not much hope. It sounds like you were doing all of the maintenance in the relationships. All of these guys seemed so normal at first- guy #3 is a single dad and I was impressed by this when I met him. He takes care of his son with little or no help from anyone else. He's very used to making sacrifices but when it comes to me he seems to think I OWE him everything that HE wants. Like he is tired of sacrificing for his son and wants me to feel exactly like he does. Why do I keep dating guys that turn into these losers? It's sounds like you've had quite a few bad ones. Do you ever approach men? I am not picking on you (and this may not be the case with you), but I know that some women are old-fashioned & won't approach a man and then complain about the ones they get. You can't expect good men to come to you (I surely don't expect good women to come after me, lol). The only thing you can know about men who come after you is that they are sexually attracted to you, and not much else. I would take a practical approach. Talk to friends, acquaintances, etc. to find out what he is really like and how he treats them. The best people to talk to are those who have lived with him (ex-roomates, ex-girlfriends, etc) if possible. There are no guarantees, but I think that could give you a better idea of what day-to-day living would be like with him. If you hear enough good things, then it might be a relationship worth pursuing. Good luck (and if you can't find a good one, call me, I'm single ). fral945
Author wherewouldibe Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 thats really good advice and its interesting that you compared a relationship to a job cause its absolutely true!! With guy #2 I actually used this analogy because at his work he was a perfect employee- never late, never called off work, always did everything asked and more. When he started slacking in the relationship (and I mean MAJOR slacking such as he just wanted quickies (where he enjoyed it, I didn't) spending as little as only 5 hours a week with me (and he wanted to be with me because he kept saying he didn't understand why I wanted to end things) and as for listing "fun" as one of the qualities I look for I didn't mean the guy has to be bouncing-off the-walls fun or anything. Just someone with a sense of humor. And as for approaching guys-I've done it both ways- guy #1 saw me first and thought I was cute and my friend told me and I approached him. The first night we met we were total stranger and yet we literally talked for hours. OUr first date we talked for hours too. guy#2 I approached him. I had known him casually and I started to have a little crush on him and thought he was really a nice guy. guy #3 he approached me. again thanks for the advice!
CD111 Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Sorry to be so blunt, but the reason you end up with these guys is because you allow it. If you allow them to treat you like crap, then they will.
fral945 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Sorry to be so blunt, but the reason you end up with these guys is because you allow it. If you allow them to treat you like crap, then they will. True. But that's why she needs to find out more about them before getting involved. If they have a past of treating people like crap it's likely to continue. Generally, good people don't become ass holes overnight.
Rooster_DAR Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Maybe they have been scre**ed by women in the past, perhaps they are hoping you will be attentive and not expect too much to quickly. Or, maybe you are just going after the kind of men conducive to this type of behavior. I can understand why some guys still date women but take care of number one first, look at how crappy relationships are these days. Goes the same the other way around too BTW. Good luck,
LovesDog Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 and if you can't find a good one, call me, I'm single . fral945 Doesn't sound like too bad of an offer! Where do you live Fral945?
melodymatters Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Ha ha, Roosters current avatar says it all : " F*ck you, I'm sitting on my couch in my pj's and I just don't care !" Sorry, OP, wish I could be of more help, but I find myself in similar situations : first three months the guy's great, so you, being a nice person, become helpful and accomodating, they get used to such, become more comfortable, ....... and suddenly 6 months or so later your are being taken for granted. You come up with any answers/solutions, please post them !
fral945 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 Doesn't sound like too bad of an offer! Where do you live Fral945? Unfortunately, not near you . I live close to Jacksonville, FL.
Author wherewouldibe Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 True. But that's why she needs to find out more about them before getting involved. If they have a past of treating people like crap it's likely to continue. Generally, good people don't become ass holes overnight. Its not like I meet somone and a week later I am dating him. With guy #1 it was the quickest- we went on a date and it was fabulous and we became a couple a few weeks later. And he was inexperienced so he didn't really have any ex girlfriends (he was 17). guy#2 I actually knew him for about five years before we dated (just casually) and everyone you asked about him said he was a really nice guy and thats how I knew him too. I didn't know anyone who dated him though. Guy #3 I knew for two years before we dated. We were friends. I didn't know any of his exes so I didn't have anyone to ask. I just had what he told me. And it was believable. I mean how do find out about guys beforehand? Ask for references. Most guys don't talk to their exes so how would I be able to get in contact with them and that is just weird. I talk to one of my ex boyfriends but I wouldn't feel comfortable telling some girl he wants to date anything but the basics about him. and I dont' let myself be treated like crap. I would have never dated any of these guys if they started out treating me like crap. Everyone treated me very very well in the beginning and when I continue to treat them well they just seem to slack off and become self centered jerks about things. I'm wondering how you recongnize the jerk underneath all the first- few months-I-want-to-impress-you bs?
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I think a good analogy would be a job. In the job interview (i.e., the courting phase of a relationship) you put your best foot forward. You go the extra mile with tasks (i.e., flowers, chocolate, romantic dinners) and are always attentive. Eventually, though, once you have secured the job (i.e., now in the relationship) you become complacent. You've learned what is expected of you and you will do the minimum needed to get the job done (i.e., no more flowers, dinner maybe once a month). Eventually, if you become inefficient enough at work (i.e., you don't do the flowers, romantic dinners, etc. more) you will be fired (i.e., break-up). I guess the moral of my story is a relationship takes maintenance, and if both people are not willing to do some maintenance, there is not much hope. It sounds like you were doing all of the maintenance in the relationships. Love the job analogy because it's bang on for the honeymoon period, duration and break up. OP, There's a fine line between giving and overly-giving. Same goes for competence and overly-competent. In many ways, both are examples of controlling behaviour in that they can both create dependencies, very Wendy/Peter Pan. How long are you willing to be Wendy? Isn't it better to give a little less and expect a little more for yourself from the beginning? I'm emphasizing the word "little" because if you overly-do this portion, you will become just like the men in your life.
latefragment Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I think whoever said that this happens because you let it is a bit "wrong" here. Well, very wrong. You are obviously someone who likes it when a guy is nice to you and treats you well, otherwise you wouldn't date them in the first place. It's not your fault if they suddenly become selfish and somewhat mean. And you DID dump them, eventually, so - good for you for standing up for yourself. I think your post about the nice things you've done for these guys shows just how cool of a person you are. I'm not a guy but if I were one, I'd TOTALLY want to date you. You sound like the perfect gf - not too clingy, fun, interesting, intelligent, etc. Anyway, I think you've just had a run of bad luck. Maybe be more assertive in the future when a guy starts slacking off - easier said than done. I've been in similar situations to you: I meet a guy, initially he's great, then suddenly he disappears, or does something really mean, or gets selfish, etc. It really sucks.
fral945 Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 I mean how do find out about guys beforehand? Ask for references. Most guys don't talk to their exes so how would I be able to get in contact with them and that is just weird I didn't mean that, I'm just saying try to find out as much as you can. I know that women talk to their friends about relationships all of the time, and they tend to share their problems with other women. You can talk to friends of the ex-girlfriends. Unless you are new to the group you are with, they are probably people who are aware of any problems a certain guy has had in the past and would be more than happy to tell you about it. If no one really knows the guy, though, you are SOL, and you can only go by what he says. Anyway, I think you've just had a run of bad luck. Maybe be more assertive in the future when a guy starts slacking off - easier said than done. I've been in similar situations to you: I meet a guy, initially he's great, then suddenly he disappears, or does something really mean, or gets selfish, etc. It really sucks. Agreed. It might be that the guys you've dated never really had a girl stand up to them. I think a mature, reasonable person understands that a relationship is not purely selfish and, to use an expression, "you have to give some to get some".
Mz. Pixie Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 First of all, when you first start dating someone they are putting on their best face for you. Once you are dating for a while people begin to really show their true colors. Not that this is an excuse but alot of guys are hunters- and they are task oriented. After they pursue you and you become their partner they tend to relax some of the focus they directed towards you to channel it into other areas. They kind of have to because you cannot totally focus yourself on your partner all the time. Does that make sense? My husband has joked it's like "Wife- check" and move on to something else. Of course he's evolved and he knows a relationship takes work. Perhaps it's the maturity level of the people you're dating??
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