AngeloWolfe Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Clingy - I've become this and so much more. I've not really put it into thought, because I guess everything has felt right between us. However... some snags were hit a while back. You see, her ex-boyfriend of way back when (Her first serious one) has come back into the picture. He hangs out with her best friend, and has been avoiding him at first to avoid difficulties. However... she asked me if she could 'make amends' with him so she could hang out with her best friend more often. I said I didn't care... but it still bugs me. ESPECIALLY after I found out the guy hasn't gotten over her yet, even though it's been 2 years. So... I guess it's been bugging me. So much to the point that I've done everything in my power to keep her as close to me as possible. Lots of gifts, 'I love you' back and forth all the time... and a paranoid sense that she's going to leave or cheat on me the second I turn around. I trust her with all my heart, but this paranoia will not leave me alone. I hate it. I despise it. Because thinking like this makes me feel like I don't trust her. So... bleh. I guess what I'm trying to ask is: What can I do to defeat this paranoia? How can I look above and beyond the personal fears and become a stronger person? I realize she's starting to notice how much more clingy I am. To the point that it scares me she is being pushed away. I don't want to lose her - so what can I do? Any information I would cherish. <3
dbtmarley Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Making amends with the ex boyfriend? Let me first assume that the two of you are in an exclusive relationship. A relationship consists of a couple of people that make choices on whats best for the ring-less union. Choices that must be made with consideration of each others feelings. If that is not done, then what is it really worth? Grief? Mistrust? Constant wondering what the other is really doing? It's not about being insecure, no it is about her being around a guy she once shared feelings for and to top that why is there a need to make amends if she has no feelings for them? I mean she is not working a 12 step program of recovery where she has to make amends during her 4th step is she? So what gives here? I assume by hanging out with her friend she will be hanging out with the ex. Not cool!!! You can try and rationalize and blame yourself, but no one deserves this. Some here will say, if she is going to cheat with him she will do it anyways, but hey an alcoholic does not go to a bar for a soda. Just like a person who is in a relationship does not hang out with the ex. Her friend has very little respect for your relationship and why can't she hang with the friend when the ex is not around? Are they joined at the hip or something? Dude, this is the beginning of something bad in my book. The fact that she considers it would be a deal breaker if it was me. If she values the relationship she would make changes to show it. Instead she is showing how much she cares about your feelings. Someone she is supposed to love and care for. I don't know man.... I ain't buying it.
Kamille Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You see, her ex-boyfriend of way back when (Her first serious one) has come back into the picture. He hangs out with her best friend, and has been avoiding him at first to avoid difficulties. However... she asked me if she could 'make amends' with him so she could hang out with her best friend more often. I said I didn't care... but it still bugs me. ESPECIALLY after I found out the guy hasn't gotten over her yet, even though it's been 2 years. So... I guess it's been bugging me. So much to the point that I've done everything in my power to keep her as close to me as possible. Lots of gifts, 'I love you' back and forth all the time... and a paranoid sense that she's going to leave or cheat on me the second I turn around. Well Angelo, she asked you for your opinion, and obviously it does bother you. I don't think it's too late to tell her that it does bother you and that you do care. Explain to her why you said you didn't care. In fact, I'd be curious to know why you told her you didn't care?
Author AngeloWolfe Posted December 4, 2007 Author Posted December 4, 2007 I feel that it's not my place to tell her who she can and can't hang out with. The guy is scum, and I know she would never hurt me... at least I hope not. It's usually not my style to sit back and take it in as it goes, but I love her and trust her. So... that's why I told her I didn't care. since it's not my place to say, 'I don't like him, and don't want you to be around him.' KNow what I mean?
dbtmarley Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I feel that it's not my place to tell her who she can and can't hang out with. The guy is scum, and I know she would never hurt me... at least I hope not. It's usually not my style to sit back and take it in as it goes, but I love her and trust her. So... that's why I told her I didn't care. since it's not my place to say, 'I don't like him, and don't want you to be around him.' KNow what I mean? Yea I know what you mean. You were not up front about your true feelings. I know your motivation behind this, but it is not serving you very well now is it? "I know she would never hurt me... at least I hope not" Very telling indeed. You do not trust her around this guy one bit and there is nothing wrong with that, but what you need to do is tell her how you really feel about the whole thing or you can just go on wondering.
Lovegod Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 she asked me if she could 'make amends' with him so she could hang out with her best friend more often. I said I didn't care. Wow, did you EVER give the wrong answer! The correct answer is: I don't make amends with my ex's out of respect for you. I expect you to do the same for me. If you feel that it's not disrespectful to accept an ex back into your life, then I cannot be with you. ...and when you say this, MEAN IT. If she does it anyway, you kick her to the curb. I've done everything in my power to keep her as close to me as possible. Lots of gifts, 'I love you' back and forth all the time... This won't keep her in your life. It will spoil her. Then she will start begging and making demands for you to buy her crap she doesn't need or deserve. She will also lose respect for you. I feel that it's not my place to tell her who she can and can't hang out with. When the both of you become a couple, any external influences brought into your life will have some effect on your relationship. It IS your place to state your opinion if you feel is negatively affects your relationship with your gf.
TRAVEL Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 You've gotten some really good responses in this thread. I know you don't want to hear this but at this point i personally believe that your relationship is on its way out....may not happen right away but based on what you said about how you feel and the whole clingy, needy, wussy, behavior your reverting to is a receipe for a loss of attraction for you on her part. Also the fact that she would even consider amending things with an ex means she isn't some girl you should be dating, good for a FB, but not worth a relationship where your investing your emotions. As a general rule, the person your in a relationship with shouldn't be associated with people they've had previous sexual relations with.
polywog Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I think that you feel clingy because you're putting so much focus on her instead of yourself. It's so easy to do... I've done it, and it's irresistible when you have strong feelings for someone. But look at yourself and figure out if you might be filling some void with all these obsessions. None of us can ever be a solid rock, humans are meant to be with others (most of us, at least). But it can get out of balance so easily, and when we go through this kind of thing it's a good time to check in with ourselves and see why we feel so derailed by the object of our love. It's so easy and so natural to lose track of ourselves, unfortunately!
TRAVEL Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 I think that you feel clingy because you're putting so much focus on her instead of yourself. It's so easy to do... I've done it, and it's irresistible when you have strong feelings for someone. But look at yourself and figure out if you might be filling some void with all these obsessions. None of us can ever be a solid rock, humans are meant to be with others (most of us, at least). But it can get out of balance so easily, and when we go through this kind of thing it's a good time to check in with ourselves and see why we feel so derailed by the object of our love. It's so easy and so natural to lose track of ourselves, unfortunately! This is right on. A lot of men/guys walk around life with an internal void, and use a woman to try and fill up, which never works. They experience this void because there not "grounded" in there identity as a man, they probably don't even really know who they are. As a man its important to work these issues out, find out what it is you really want out of life, don't let others/society dictate that for you, find it for yourself, its there in all of us you just have to look deep. Once you find it, you now have "purpose". Once you have purpose you put all your emotions and energy into that. A woman can not be your purpose. If you let a woman be your purpose you will react at all her whims, emotions and moods. Your purpose needs to be beyond your woman, that way when you experience the natural female tendencies from her, it won't throw you off base because you have a purpose thats beyond her. This right here is what will really get a woman attracted to you, basically what they mean when they say a "man on a mission"
polywog Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 This is right on. A lot of men/guys walk around life with an internal void, and use a woman to try and fill up, which never works. They experience this void because there not "grounded" in there identity as a man, they probably don't even really know who they are. As a man its important to work these issues out, find out what it is you really want out of life, don't let others/society dictate that for you, find it for yourself, its there in all of us you just have to look deep. Once you find it, you now have "purpose". Once you have purpose you put all your emotions and energy into that. A woman can not be your purpose. If you let a woman be your purpose you will react at all her whims, emotions and moods. Your purpose needs to be beyond your woman, that way when you experience the natural female tendencies from her, it won't throw you off base because you have a purpose thats beyond her. This right here is what will really get a woman attracted to you, basically what they mean when they say a "man on a mission" It's the human condition... true of both men and women! Chances are that the woman who is tormenting your soul right now has her own weird personal baggage that's merging with yours in an unhealthy way at this time. The point here is that It's a message being sent to you to tend your own garden. By this I mean think of yourself as a garden and visualize it. You'll get a picture and it might not be pretty. But there's nothing to fear, because as long as there is soil (and there is) you can make a fabulous garden of your own. Maybe flowers, maybe fruit, maybe even illegal plants... everything goes in your own garden... the point is, it's Yours! You have the power to fertilize it, and plant whatever YOU want. You will make it thrive. It just takes a little focus. And someone who thinks it's a knock-out garden will want to come look at it. Sorry for the corny metaphor, but I must say that in my own life it applies and I use this visualization regularly, when I come to my senses from time to time.
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