ButtHead Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 That's me. After endless hours and sleepless nights looking for a solution in LS and everywhere, I'm looking for someone to throw a direction for me to head in. I'll keep it short and too the point. About a year ago, I met my girlfriend who's very dear to me and we have a lot of things in common. Instantly, I captured her interest. From early on, it was clear she had fallen in love with me. The problem is, I do not yet feel that I have fallen in love. I've told her once that I loved her because I felt pressured after she said it. I later said that was not true and it hurt her bad. And it kills me when I look at what I've done. Towards the end of our relationship, the constant problem was that I did not love her, and apparently it showed. I realize only after we're apart. Things took a turn for the worst and we broke up. It was sort of mutual. She's taking it worse than me because she loves me and I think if I don't now, maybe she's right and I never will. I care for this girl very much, but she's convinced that we can't move forward unless I know that I love her. I want the best for her and we're starting to talk about getting back together. I do not want to break her heart any more than it already is. She loves me and I haven't found that yet. Will I ever if not by now? That wasn't short. Btw, neither of us regret the happy times we've spent together. I care dearly about this girl.
PLAYBRAT Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 Hi.... Love is NOT something you can force. Love ALSO somes in different degrees. You probably love her...and care deeply for her...but just are not feeling that 'in love" butterflies in the stomach feeling. Personally I think it's silly to exect to feel that way constantly about someone. I also think a lot of people throw away a potentially GREAT thing because they DON'T have those 'giddy" feelings all the time. Sometimes those "feelings" come from uncertainty about the relationship and person.Kinda hard to feel that way about something you are sure of. It sounds like you have a good grasp on reality and how you feel. The fact that you say you miss her now is actually a positive thing. Sometimes it DOES take losing something or someone to know how special it is. Maybe you are simply one of those people. It does not mean you don't love her...it might just mean you show it differently.The PROBLEM I see in your case is that SHE needs to know it. You just need to find a way to show her so that she knows you are sincere. Bets wishes to you...
carrotgirl Posted December 4, 2007 Posted December 4, 2007 BH, My thinking is kind of different from lots of other people in that I don't believe too highly in rules and titles. In love, not in love, is it love? Is it not love? If you don't feel in love in the first couple of months then you never will be... personally, I think that's a load. We feel more and less of lots of things all the time. I have a friend who has been seeing his girlfriend for about three years. He feels he speaks honestly when he says he doesn't have that "in love feeling" for her. He loves his girlfriend and they are happy together. Does this make their relationship less good than someone else's? I highly doubt it. Even after being together for some time, that initial "I'm so into you" feeling fades. I think it fades because real life deals perpetual ups and downs and time keeps moving while we want to stay locked in the "I'm so into you" moments of bliss. There is just no way to do that. Some people think, I don't feel everything with this person so I should find someone who is my everything. I say good luck with that. No one person is going to be your everything. But one person could be your best friend... Someone you want to share things with, someone who gets you, someone who forgives when you're an idiot, someone you love. Maybe it's not going to be a bowl you over feeling of "in love". If the physical attraction is there, and there is a genuine desire to want to spend time together and you are happy with each other and care for each other, does it have to have a name other than love? Does it have to be called "being in love" in order for you to be happy? You have to decide if that quest for the ideal love is worth losing pretty damn good love eh? Feel better, Carrot
Author ButtHead Posted December 5, 2007 Author Posted December 5, 2007 Thanks, Playbrat and Carrot. It's my first serious relationship and I'm still not sure about things like love and such. We actually remained friends for a week and continued to talk on the phone about how things were. She's the type of person who wants to see me actively fight for her instantly, not wait it out for a better time. So I thought it was a waste to not take a shot at a relationship with a girl who's willing to do anything for me and I asked if she would come back if we both made changes to make things work. I was very happy that she agreed . You guys have helped more than you know. And Carrot, you have a good point. Playbrat, I am still unsure about love so I cannot yet tell her yet. I hope I can give her my all at showing her. Thanks again!
kirikat Posted December 5, 2007 Posted December 5, 2007 That "in love" feeling is - as enjoyable as it is - more or less your bodies chemical response to another person. It is biology's way of finding us a partner to bond with. Had your girl kept her cool, behaved indifferently, made you chase her a bit - you would have those chemicals too. And once you caught her? Those chemicals would retreat within a years time, and you would have what you have now. (And the reason she is still so infatuated? Because she is not sure of you, and it is impacting her central nervous system....) Love is a decision you make to devote your life to another, to care for them, cherish them and be with them. Infatuation is often what gets you to that decision, but infatuation is not love. You need to work on the romance - and stop running.
carrotgirl Posted December 7, 2007 Posted December 7, 2007 Love is a decision you make to devote your life to another, to care for them, cherish them and be with them. Infatuation is often what gets you to that decision, but infatuation is not love. There is a lot of value here. And this holds true regardless of what the relationship is called. If someone says she's wildly in love with her SO but she cheats is that love? If you cherish this woman and care for her even when she bugs the heck out of you is that not love? Labels and titles get us into lots of trouble. They're seldom very meaningful in reality but when we use a label, like, He's MY boyfriend, suddenly we confer all kinds of power and entitlement on ourselves that really isn't there. And far too often we think those titles protect us from harm and hurt. She's MY wife, she's going to love me forever. Hopefully, yes. Sometimes the labels are scary as hell and we just run with the what ifs like hamsters in a Habitrail.... If I tell her I love her what if I change my mind later? What if a year from now I meet another guy who really excites me? What if we get tired of each other? What if I'm a person who just doesn't feel things very deeply? What if this is all there is? Yup. What if? You have a foundation of attraction, caring and trust that a lot of people don't have. This means you have an opportunity to build something very unique and wonderful. At the very least, you've got a really good bond so enjoy what you've got while you've got it. And BH? If you decide this relationship isn't right for you, likely you will find someone else to love. Carrot
Author ButtHead Posted February 13, 2008 Author Posted February 13, 2008 Thanks a lot, carrotgirl. I feel a little better about myself. We are genuinely happy with each other most of the time especially when we got back together. However, I have to find a way to settle things because she's not happy with being with someone who can't say "I love you." I get what you're saying that it doesn't matter as long as I care, but it matters to her. I can't say it because there are times where we miscommunicate because one of us has a different way of interpreting words. There are some other small issues that I'd like to work out. I think I should tell her because I really do care about her a great deal, but maybe I shouldn't because I could end up hurting her. I contact her a lot and I do what I can to keep her happy by listening and remembering important dates, but is it possible this isn't the extent of love and that I am just a confused person? Thank you also, kirikat. You explained it pretty well, I didn't want to do it soon, but she pressured me to ask her out pretty early on and I knew she would say yes, but what do you mean work on the romance?
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